Somewhere Out There
by KingsandThieves
Summary: After Horizon, Joker's had enough of the sulking on board, so he decides to do something about it. It's just too bad for Cerberus that "doing something" means dumping Shepard and Kaidan alone on a dangerous planet to hash out their problems, a planet that one member of the crew is already intimately familiar with. Rated M, mostly for later situations and a whole lot of profanity.
1. The Reaping

**Disclaimer:** BioWare's game, I'm just messing around with it.

**Rating:** As of right now, M for language, violence, and forthcoming adult situations.

**Pairing:** F!Shenko, all the way. Definitely fluffy in some places and angsty in others. I told myself I wasn't going to fall for Kaidan during my first ME playthrough, and what did I do? Yeah. Still not regretting it.

**Note(s):** For this, I basically asked myself, "What if I just throw post-Horizon Shepard and Kaidan on a planet to work out their troubles?" and if that planet just happened to be a dangerous mutant-plant planet, then so be it... It's really just my take on what I think _should_ have happened after Shepard's return from death, and just a lot of the tension surrounding their relationship during ME2, so expect a lot of flashbacks to the first game and in-between. Cover picture is art by Aameeyur Deviantart. I hope you enjoy!

* * *

_Will we accept the things we must?_

_The world will now learn of change to come_

_or no world_

-Coheed & Cambria

* * *

The air was still in the wake of what the Citadel Council had just said. Most eyes were on the woman standing at a lower podium before them, her hands clasped tightly behind her back. Her head was down, her eyes hidden.

"I'm sorry," she said quietly, but with enough authority that her voice carried. "I must not have heard you correctly. Councilors, will you kindly repeat what you've just said?"

The members of the Citadel Council - turian, asari, and salarian - exchanged glances. Councilor Anderson, however, did not. He was frowning down at his podium, refusing to make eye contact.

The asari, Councilor Tevos, spoke. "Of course. In light of recent events, we have concluded that the attack on the Citadel was the result of the geth, manipulated and controlled by the rogue Spectre known as Saren Arterius. As he has been taken care of, we expect this to no longer be an issue. There are, however, the reports of ships missing in the Terminus Systems to address. We believe there are pockets of geth resistance there, the remnants of Saren's followers, and we'd like you to neutralize them. The Council-"

The woman spoke again, her voice louder this time. "Excuse me, Councilor. But what about the Reapers?"

Some of the associate members nearby, standing on balconies and in alcoves, paused in their hushed conversations. Every eye turned on her.

Again, all the Councilors, save for the human, exchanged equal looks. "What about them?" the turian, Councilor Sparatus, asked.

"Have you just forgotten that one of them attacked the Citadel and nearly killed you?" Her voice rang with anger.

Tevos spoke up again. "Despite your claims, we have no evidence proving that was indeed a Reaper, if such a thing even exists. What we do know is there was an invasion of geth, and Saren was at the helm of their forces. As Saren is dead and the geth scattered, the public has no more reason to fear a so-called 'Reaper attack' then they do another by the geth, so long as you do as we request and investigate the Terminus Systems."

The woman's head snapped up, revealing blazing green eyes. "Saren wasn't leading them," she shouted. "He was an instrument, indoctrinated by the Reaper, Sovereign!"

Whispers filled the Tower, associate members abuzz at the woman's claims. The members of the Council glanced around, each of them looking both dismayed and annoyed, save for Anderson. If anything, he seemed just as defiant as the woman below.

"This is a Council meeting," Sparatus blustered. "We will not be spoken to in this matter, regardless of who you are!"

"Quiet while a meeting is in progress, if you please," the salarian Councilor, Valern, said to those gathered. To the woman, he said, "If you would like to rephrase your claim, you may."

"Thank you, Councilor," the woman said through clenched teeth. "I apologize for my outburst, but _with respect_, I simply do not understand how you can dismiss the presence of the Reapers. They are real, and, _if_ I may be so bold, you believed me quickly enough when your lives were at stake."

Someone gasped, and the whispers grew louder. Sparatus pounded on his podium. "You go too far!"

"I go as far as needed!" The woman took a step back. "You were there, all of you. You saw what happened right before your very eyes. Deny and lie to the people all you want, but you know what happened, and you know I'm right."

None of the Councilors said a word.

The woman looked around at the assembly gathered, at the aliens and humans alike, staring down at her in confusion, disbelief, outright mockery. A month ago, they were begging for her help, their lives at stake as their beautiful station was threatened, and now they were taking everything she had told them and throwing it away, just to live in ignorance. Well, she was finished.

"The Reapers are coming," she said, her voice echoing to the highest reaches of the Tower. She gestured at the Council. "These _people_ would have you believe the threat is over, but it's not. It hasn't even begun. Prepare yourselves, because when the day comes and the Reapers arrive to wipe out everything we know, you will regret ever imagining you were safe."

There was a long pause.

"I think that is quite enough," Tevos said. "Now, will or will you not investigate the Terminus Systems, and eradicate what remains of the geth?"

"Yes, I will. But not for you." Her eyes flicked to Councilor Anderson. "I will do it for the people who have disappeared."

"Something I'm sure they will be grateful for," Anderson said quietly. "Thank you."

She nodded tersely. Her emerald eyes held the Council for a long moment. Then Commander Shepard - war hero of the Alliance military, first human Spectre, savior of the Citadel Council - turned on one heel and stalked down the stairs.

* * *

When Kaidan Alenko found her an hour later, she was decimating a paper target with a semi-automatic handgun. Having seen her possessed by that deadly focus before, he kept quiet and waited for the moment to pass. It was better not to disturb her when she had killing on the brain, regardless of whether or not he was the object of her rage.

Instead, he wandered around the apartment she'd been given by the Council. She hadn't had much time to spend in it, and it showed. Though fully furnished, she'd hardly decorated it at all. There were only two indicators that it belonged to her: the bookshelf near the window, shelves sagging under the weight of dozens of novels, and the picture of her with her parents at her graduation from ICT. Everything else was strange, seemingly belonging to someone else entirely.

Kaidan was just flipping through one of the books stacked haphazardly on a shelf, reading snippets of it, when there was a sigh. He glanced over his shoulder. The automatic shields around her had come down, scattering the remains of rounds across the tile floor. She put her pistol back in its holster, before snatching up the target. She made an annoyed clucking sound.

Kaidan set the book down, crossing the room. "What, did you miss?"

"Not exactly." She held it out to him. There was a significant hole with ragged edges where the forehead might have been, were it a real person. Just one little hole strayed from the others, down on the right cheek.

Kaidan rolled his eyes good-naturedly. "Well, I always knew it. You're a terrible marksman."

Shepard smirked, taking the target back. She rolled it up, plunking it into the trash compactor built in to the wall. Shoving her yellow protective glasses to the top of her head, she walked into the small kitchen, opening the refrigerator. "You want something?"

"Beer, if you've got it."

She pointed at the uniform he was still wearing. "You sure about that, Lieutenant?"

"Hey, I'm on shore leave until my commanding officer tells me otherwise."

"Well, your commanding officer only has…" she bent over, peering inside, "fuzzy cheese and some oranges, so beer it is then!"

She pulled out two bottles, kicking the door shut with her foot. Cracking them open, she handed one to him, and took a long pull on the other. She perched on one of the barstools, unzipping her boots with one hand and kicking them off. If he hadn't seen her in a similar pose of relaxation before, it might have unnerved him, her being his commander and all. Now that they'd passed that stage, he was relieved to see her let go, if only for a few minutes.

He leaned against the counter across from her. They drank their beer in silence, both lost in their own thoughts. He tried to think of a time when they couldn't do that, but it seemed - at least, in his mind - that they'd always been able to just sit back and let the quiet speak for itself. Of course, in the past, it was usually because Shepard had her nose buried in a book, but he'd never minded. The silence spoke volumes, and it was enough.

At least, for a time. "Music, on," Shepard said. "Mozart; _Don Giovanni_ Overture." The music started with a crescendo in a minor chord, sounding dark, ominous, intense. Shepard closed her eyes against the swell of the music, sighing quietly as she finished the last swallow of her beer. She set the bottle down, picking at the label, eyes unfocused.

"That bad, huh?" Kaidan asked quietly.

"What gave me away?"

He pointed to the music sphere across the room. "_Don Giovanni_. You played it after that time you fought with your mother." _And I know you._

The corners of her mouth barely lifted, as she met his gaze across the counter. "They all but publicly denounced me. Went back to that whole 'the Reapers aren't real, you have no proof' bullshit."

"Seriously? Even after Sovereign attacked and you saved their lives?"

"Yep. They're claiming it was the geth, led by Saren. I tried to get through to them, but they just won't listen…" Shepard shook her head, ripping the label off her bottle. It made a satisfying tearing sound, but she just crumpled it in her fist. "Eight cruisers. Eight cruisers full of people, _good_ people, with lives and families to go back to. They're dead because I made the call to save the Council, and _this_ is how they repay me. _This_ is how they honor those who sacrificed their lives to keep them safe. Not that they'd care, I suppose, because they were just human lives," she said bitterly. Suddenly, she punched the counter, her knuckles smacking against the stone loudly.

"Maybe they'll come to their senses. They can't very well ignore a Reaper attack, can they?"

"Yeah, but if it happens - _when_ it happens," she corrected, "they'll be so unprepared that…well, a lot of people are going to get screwed over."

"Hey." Kaidan reached across the counter, grabbing her hand, gently rubbing her smarting knuckles. "It won't come to that. We'll stop them."

She smiled slightly. "You think so?"

"Of course. With you leading us, there's no way we'll lose."

"You're sweet, Kaidan." She sighed again. "I just wish they wouldn't waste my time."

Kaidan frowned. "What do you mean?"

She explained to him about the so-called geth resistance and the ships going missing. The entire time, she squeezed his hand. He didn't think she even realized she was doing it.

"They're sending us to the Terminus Systems? But doesn't that seem like-"

"They're getting rid of me? Trust me, the thought has crossed my mind. But what can I do, just leave those people to whatever fate has found them?" She shook her head. "No way. So yes, we're going to the Terminus Systems." A shadow suddenly crossed her face. "I wish I could take everyone."

He knew she meant the crew that had been with her at the end, the crew that had helped her stop Saren, but after Sovereign and Saren both had been killed and the Reaper invasion temporarily delayed, they'd all gone their separate ways; besides Tali'Zorah, the quarian tech who'd completed her Pilgrimage, he didn't really know where anyone else had gone. Shepard would know, and if he had to bet money, he'd put it on her itching to contact them and bring them along. Unfortunately, this _was_ Alliance business, but he knew she still missed them.

"Well, you've got Joker and the _Normandy_'s crew, the finest in the galaxy. And me," he added as an afterthought.

She smiled, the look on her face reserved specially for him. "Yeah, and you."

The music swelled around them, and for Kaidan, it was more than enough.


	2. Slow Dancing In A Burning Room

_It's not a silly little moment, it's not the storm before the calm_

_This is the deep and dying breath of this love we've been working on_

-John Mayer

* * *

It all happened so fast: one minute, she was watching a vid her mother sent her, and the next, she was pulling on her suit, Joker shouting, _"Brace for evasive maneuvers!"_

They had just barely arrived in the Terminus Systems, where the ships had vanished, and they were already under attack. The _Normandy_ swooped. Shepard took two unsteady steps sideways, grabbing the edge of her desk, holding on as Joker bobbed and weaved. A glance out her window showed light, gold, some sort of beam. She could hear it searing metal, singeing off the pieces of her beloved ship. The lights flickered, and an alarm began screaming. Shepard pulled herself up and reached for her helmet. With it under her arm, she was out the door.

An explosion wracked the ship, the tremors pushing Shepard towards the wall. She dug her fingers in for a moment, before gaining her footing and continuing on. There were shouts somewhere in the ship; a woman screamed, sounding far away, and the alarm blared, fading in and out. From above, Joker's voice was yelling.

_"Kinetic barriers down! Multiple hull breaches, weapons offline! Somebody get that fire out!"_

The floor shook beneath her feet, and the lights flickered again, going out this time, everything turning to orange and red, on high alert. Her legs moved of their own volition, speeding up, and suddenly she was running past the mess area, to the escape shuttles. Members of the crew ran past her, and she nodded at them, shouting, "Get to the escape pods! Watch out for debris!" She fired up the console at the end of the walkway and began dispatching a distress beacon, even as wires rained from the ceiling and there were more explosions, more fire. Something burst beside her, and a column of pressurized air spat at her. Calmly, almost in slow motion, dream-like, she put on her helmet, clicking it into place. Her oxygen stabilized, and she gazed out at the destruction through glass.

"Shepard!"

It was Kaidan, right behind her. She turned in time to see him don his helmet as well.

"The distress beacon is ready to launch."

"But will the Alliance get here in time?"

She opened her mouth to reply, but there was a blast from beside them. It knocked Kaidan to the side, and she staggered. The screen behind her sizzled out into static. Flames burst around them.

"Shit! They had better. I'm not doing all this just so they can find our frozen corpses." She reached for a fire extinguisher that had rolled near her feet. There was another one beside it; she tossed it to Kaidan over her shoulder. He caught it, righting himself, helping her put out the fires surrounding them.

"You need to get everyone into the escape shuttles," she shouted to him.

"Joker's still in the cockpit, he won't abandon ship!"

_Damn it, Joker._ Shepard threw the extinguisher, ducking down, reaching for a panel that had burst open on the wall, its wires spilling out. She reached for one that was nearly severed, shoving it back into its port, praying it would hold. The screen behind them flickered back to life, the image faint. She slammed the panel shut, spinning around.

Kaidan grabbed her arm. "I'm not leaving, either!"

She had all of one second to look at him, and everything seemed to decelerate to just the two of them. She touched his hand where he held her, fingers tightening briefly. All too quickly, reality resumed, and she was forced to pull out of his grip.

"I'll take care of Joker. You focus on getting everyone to the evac shuttles!"

She struggled to walk away from him, every part of her screaming to go back. The ship was coming apart, the floor vibrating violently, threatening to throw her down with every step, but she had to move, had to go, had to save them.

"Commander…" Kaidan's voice was hesitant, terrified.

Shepard turned around to look back. There wasn't time enough for words; people were depending on both of them. Taking a deep breath, she nodded. "Go, Kaidan."

"Aye, aye."

He turned, speeding to one of the last available shuttles, helping people inside, urging them on. She could hear his voice; she closed her eyes, focusing on it, wanting to imprint it to the walls of her skull in case this went belly up and she - they -

The ship groaned, and from inside, Shepard could hear them: the shuttles shooting off into space, getting everyone away from the destruction raining down upon them. Everyone but Joker. She turned away from the console, and suddenly a plume of fire surged directly in front of her. She staggered back, holding her arms up over her face. She took a deep breath, before plunging through it.

She could still hear Joker transmitting, his anxious spurts of,_ "Mayday, mayday! This is SSV Normandy,"_ keeping her going, leading her to him, letting her know he was still alive. _"We've suffered heavy damage from an unknown enemy!"_

Running through the ship, dodging falling wreckage, she didn't know how the _Normandy _hadn't shut down yet, leaving them to float helplessly in space. Finding one stairway blocked, she sprinted up the other. The door at the top was stuck. She forced it open, grunting with the strain, and there was a great gust of air and a squelching sound before she stepped through it - and out into space.

The roof of the _Normandy_ was gone. The bridge was exposed, cracked open, chairs and chunks of hull and bodies, the bodies of her crew, lulling serenely, like maybe they were just asleep, only she knew better. Out there, everything was silence, glowing blue, the stars surrounding Shepard on all sides. The only sound was her own harsh breathing. It was like walking through slow, cool water; she took careful steps, eyes darting around for their unknown enemy, constantly alert, wary of the lack of gravity just waiting to send her spinning into nothingness.

She reached the cockpit safely, passing easily through the kinetic shield protecting Joker from the deep cold. He wore a mask, defiantly avoiding her gaze.

"Come on, Joker, we're getting out of here."

"No, Shepard. I won't abandon the _Normandy_, I can still save her!"

"The _Normandy_ is lost, and if we don't go now, so are we." He didn't say anything. "I know you love her - so do I - but she's gone, and there's no sense in us going down with her. if I can get you a new one someday, I will. I can't do that, though, if we're dead!"

Joker paused, before nodding. "Yeah, okay. Help me up."

She offered her arm, hauling him out of his seat as gently as she could. She had just gotten him up when there was a sudden glow of light from beyond the _Normandy_'s broken shell.

"They're coming around for another attack," Joker said, petrified.

"Hurry," Shepard urged, shuffling with him as carefully as she could, while still moving fast enough to combat the adrenaline wiring her system.

There was the sound of a laser shearing through metal, and more pieces of the _Normandy_ floated away, careening through dead air. There was no time, no time - Shepard shoved Joker into the pilot's shuttle, feeling guilty even as he cried out in pain, but the rattling of the ship turned her attention back, in time to see the light, the beam, sawing off the back end of the _Normandy_, leaving nothing but the cockpit and coming closer, ever closer, to where she stood.

Time slowed. Shepard thought of the email still open on her wrecked terminal, the vid of her mother waving to her with two fingers from the observational deck of the _SSV Kilimanjaro_, pointing to the view outside, stars framing a purple gas giant, the light turning her mother's normally pale skin indigo. "Isn't it gorgeous out there?" she asked, smiling. Her teeth glowed an eerie blue.

Shepard snapped back to the moment, as the laser burned away the nearest wall, sparks crackling, screens shattering into black glass. Even through her suit, she could feel the heat of it. The blast knocked her off her feet, but she didn't fall back down, she floated, fairly swimming through the air, straining, reaching for the button to send the shuttle, her fingertips just inches away, then - she got it, and Joker was yelling her name or something like it, but the shuttle door had shut and it was taking off and that was all that mattered, even as she lost her grip on the wall and she spun with no anchor, nothing to hold to, lost in space, and there was no sound but she could see it, like a rocket firing, touching down right beside her, and she was propelled backwards, hitting a wall, and something stabbed into her, and she was floating, floating, and then the _Normandy_ was falling away from her or she was falling away from it, all she could see was fire, burning up the night, and suddenly she was cold, deep cold, and it was hard to...hard to...

_Isn't it gorgeous out there?_

_Breathtaking._

* * *

Kaidan could _feel_ the final explosion, even at that distance. Though he knew it would never reach them, not out there, he still recoiled away from the wall, as if it was near enough to strike. For just the second time in his life, he prayed, all the way to the Alliance cruiser that picked them up, all the way to the crowded med bay, where he got a cut on his head looked at, all the way to the second deck, where he paced, watching, waiting for that last shuttle.

And when it finally came, he ran down to meet them, the last of the survivors. And yet, as he passed by the others, filling the hallways with their singed clothes and chatter, he was surprised shocked confused disoriented to see that only one person was being helped out. He waited while the crew carefully maneuvered Joker, who was complaining of a broken arm and possible leg bone fracture, waited for her to step out and take her helmet off, shaking her hair back, her mouth set in a grim line, her eyes already mourning those they'd lost, but she didn't, because it was empty, and she…

They found a spare stretcher for Joker, and carried him past Kaidan. He was wild, cradling his arm even as he struggled to sit up, eyes streaming. "I'm sorry Kaidan, I'm so sorry, I tried - but she-" The crew kept moving. Kaidan could still hear him, repeating like a mantra, like a prayer, "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," but Kaidan couldn't figure out why, because he knew any second she would step out and be there, like she always did, like she always was. Always, _always_.

Kaidan sat there, listening to screams from the med bay and hushed sobs and the announcements from the captain as they neared the Citadel, but not hearing a single thing, because the one thing he did want to hear wasn't coming clear, like a radio patched through too much interference.

He waited all night, but for the first time since he'd known her, she never once appeared.


	3. Drops of Jupiter

_But tell me, did you sail across the sun?_

_Did you make it to the Milky Way to see the lights all faded,_

_and that heaven is overrated?_

-Train

* * *

Shepard slept. And while she slept, she dreamed.

She was standing on a rooftop, holding a small rectangle package wrapped in bright-red paper. A night breeze dragged strands of her red hair across her face, obscuring the figure standing across from her. She brushed them aside impatiently, but when she looked again, there was nobody there. When she looked down, the red package had become her own heart. Instead of veins and arteries, there were wires hanging from it, fizzing and sparking like the _Normandy_ just before… It was slippery, hard to hold on to, and before she could grip it properly, it fell from her hand.

The rest of her dreams were jumbled images, a mess of panic and bright lights and unfamiliar voices. And when she awoke, the world was on fire.

She thought she was still dreaming, because how could someone rebuild her? Why else would she be working with Cerberus? She kept waiting to move onto the next dream, the next sequence, to go back where she had been after death, but it didn't happen. When she got clipped by a bullet from a mech, she felt surprisingly real pain, and then she knew.

It had been hours since then, since she'd met Jacob Taylor and Miranda Lawson, hours since they'd been betrayed, hours since she'd discovered she had been _rebuilt_ by Cerberus. They had gone to the human colony of Freedom's Progress under the mysterious Illusive Man's instructions - she had even seen Tali there - but she couldn't muster any sort of emotion other than _separation_, a distinct line forming between her and everyone else, like she was just watching from beyond a sheet of glass, just going through the motions, doing what she was told.

Hours since then, and she was still trying to grasp her thoughts, but they always turned and ran from her before she could pin them down, slipping through her fingers like smoke. The first moment she could, she darted off to the nearest bathroom, just to be alone, to try and remember what being alive felt like. Maybe she was wrong, but she didn't remember it feeling like this.

Shepard didn't grip the edge of the sink. She just stood there, hands hanging limply at her sides, not sure what she was afraid of, but fiercely resisting looking at her face.

She started with her body. It was nearly exactly the same as it had been…before. She didn't understand; if what they said was true, she would've been lying down for two years, immobile, certainly unable to exercise to retain her muscle mass and strength. Miranda tried explaining it to her, but the answer was too scientific, going right over her head, the words moving through her like wind, with no meaning.

Somehow, they'd created the liberal hips, the slim waist, the swell of breasts, the slightly hunched shoulders, the curve of back, the strong arms, the hands that could easily grip a weapon, throw a grenade, kill someone. She even had the same _calluses_ beneath the gloves she wore. She closed her hands slowly, curling her fingers into fists and releasing, watching the flex material stretch over her knuckles, over what was once dead skin. She didn't understand.

She wore Cerberus armor of an advanced make and weave, good for firefights, for protection, for anything. New weapons sat on her hips, her back, her shoulders, weapons that worked ably, but weren't ones she trusted, much like the new people she was supposed to be working with. Everything was new. Everything was different.

Her eyesight drew higher, wavering at her neck, at the dips of her collarbone, the pale skin of her throat. _Come on. You're Shepard, for fuck's sake. _But was she? She dragged her eyes up, forcing herself. She didn't like what she saw.

Her red hair was longer now, down past her shoulders. She'd pulled it back for the mission on Freedom's Progress, but it would need to be cut. She reached for a handful, holding it up to the light. She had _noticed_ the red before, of course; it was her hair color, it garnered attention everywhere she went. But she had never stopped to think about it before, about _how_ the strands came to be that particular shade, or the gold highlights that melded with it, into it, shifting and changing with every fluctuation of light. There were a lot of things she hadn't thought of before.

Scientifically, it was the same face. She still had her straight nose, her sharp cheekbones, her pointed chin. There was the scar through her right cheek where she'd been sliced by a batarian back on Elysium, the smaller scar through her lips, where she'd been caught by a piece of shrapnel while still an N6. The memories surrounding the scars surprised her. Miranda had tested her memories on the shuttle ride over, finding them adequate, but it was all so strange, getting used to being a _person_ again, rather than a body.

Cerberus had done their work well, and she was indeed still physically Shepard, but there were slight differences. There were scars all down her left cheek, little ones like she'd been peppered by a shotgun, and some up on her right temple. They glittered with the promise of biomechanics beneath. Miranda had said something about advancing the process that way, but it still shocked Shepard to see them, to realize there were very real pieces of her missing, replaced by something else, something foreign.

Shepard wanted to close her eyes, to avoid looking at them, but it was her eyes that drew her attention the most. Still green, flecked with brown, but…_wrong. _There was an offness in them she couldn't quite place, a shadow, a doubt. She shivered.

She dimly recalled something she'd learned from her tutor, back in the days when she'd lived on stations following her parents all across the galaxy, sometimes pulled in two different directions. It had been biology, a study of parasitism, and her tutor, Skylar, an older woman with a great sense of humor, had drawn pictures for her on a tablet that made her giggle, depicting worms and bugs attacking or living inside little stick people. _Ectoparasites, social parasites, epiparasites… _"And of course, endoparasites, those that live inside their host," Skylar said. "The two types are intercellular, parasites that inhabit the physical spaces of a host's body, and intracellular, the kind that inhabit their host's cells."

She was the same, but not, a Cerberus endoparasite living inside her, coiled around her spine like a snake, tickling her organs with its tongue. Hers were both inter- and intracellular, invading every part of her body, every part of the thing she had once been, and she wasn't sure how to escape the hold it already had on her.

"Shepard?" It was Miranda over the intercom. "Did the Illusive Man tell you there was someone here to see you?"

"Yeah, I'll be right out." Slowly, she backed away, turning away only when she could no longer stand it.

When Shepard's eyes landed on Joker, her heart eased slightly. He was waiting outside in the hall, and when he saw her, his eyes lit up and he whooped. "It really is you! I thought they were lying to me - because come on, it's Cerberus - but you're alive!"

Without a word, she crossed the distance between them and grabbed his shoulders. She might have never done so _before_, but after all they had been through, she thought the situation called for it. She kept her hands lose, not squeezing too tightly. She'd just gotten him back; she didn't want to put him in the hospital with a broken collarbone for one overexcited greeting.

Joker stiffened slightly. "Whoa, Shepard. You uh, feeling okay?"

"I'm just so glad to see someone I know," she said, patting his shoulder, reminding herself that he was real, that she was real. "Someone I trust." She looked down, noting the black and white uniform he wore. "Even if you're working for Cerberus."

"Hey, after everything, I just wanted to fly, and they were the only ones who were willing to let me. But…" His eyes crinkled as he smiled. "You and me both, Shepard. It's really great to see you again. You know, _alive_. It's just like old times!"

"Yeah, it's definitely an experience."

"But how'd they do it? I saw you get spaced!"

"Yeah, I…" The beam flared in her mind's eye, and she stopped. The _Normandy_ was being torn apart all over again.

"Shepard?"

She drifted back to Cerberus. "I got rebuilt, I guess."

Joker didn't mention her tune-out. "Yeah, I heard about something they were working on - Lazarus or something like that. Cost what, over four billion credits? You're a pretty expensive project, Commander."

_Commander. _Everybody still called her that, even Miranda and the Illusive Man. But could you command when you're dead, when your file is stamped K.I.A and closed? She didn't even known what the Alliance had done when the news broke, what her family had done. Her hand shot up, reaching for her neck. Her dog tags were gone. She hoped her parents had them, that they weren't just floating out in space somewhere.

She swallowed hard. "Yeah, that's me, causing problems for everyone even in the afterlife."

Joker smiled. "Well, I have something that might cheer you up. They only just told me last night."

He beckoned and she followed. He led her to a hangar beyond a window, where she stared into darkness.

"What am I-?"

Joker shushed her. The lights flickered on inside, and suddenly she knew exactly what the fuss was about. Armor, weapons, _life_…and now Cerberus had given her a new ship as well, an SR-2, the upgraded model of her own precious _Normandy_. It wasn't the same ship, but it was as close to the fond memories she was going to get. Joker beamed, looking to her, and for the first time since her death and seeing him again, she felt something stir, something real. It looked like she had kept her promise about getting him a new ship, after all.

"Isn't she beautiful?"

Shepard stared, one hand pressed to the glass. It took her a moment to find her voice. When she did, she glanced at Joker out of the corner of her eye. "I guess we should give her a name, shouldn't we, Lieutenant?"

His grin only widened.

* * *

After escaping Miranda's official clutches and arguing with the AI about which direction to take in their fight against the Collectors, Shepard was at her wit's end. She was halfway to the elevator when Kelly Chambers, the perky yeoman assigned to her, called her name.

"Commander, a moment?"

She tried not to sigh. "If it really is a moment."

The young woman approached her, biting her lip. "Um, Miranda had me take a box of your things up for you. I-"

"Wait, what things?"

"When you, er…well, the Alliance had your mother pack up your apartment on the Citadel. The Illusive Man procured everything she didn't take, but there was only one box."

"And?"

"I took it up to your cabin. I hope that's okay."

"Yeah, it's fine, I… uh, thank you." Standing in the elevator, she couldn't possibly think of what her mother would leave behind.

The door to her cabin opened with a hiss. She blinked, looking around as she strolled inside, surprised. It was much bigger, with stairs down to a sitting area and her bed. Beside the sitting area was a bookshelf, several books standing to attention there. She couldn't read their spines from where she stood. To her right was a desk with her private terminal, several shelves for knickknacks, and a display case above her terminal that opened when Shepard pushed a button. Covering the left wall were two large aquariums, casting a blue glow over the room.

Shepard glanced to her right. The box was sitting on the chair at her desk. She took two steps forward without even realizing she'd done it, looking down inside. It was filled with a myriad of objects, some shining in the blue light of the fish tanks: There was a pretty glass paperweight with a suspended drop of water inside, a model of the original _Normandy SR-1_, a framed handwritten note, and a small bronze statue of a man wielding a sword, riding a horse. Beside those was a book and three framed pictures. She reached inside, touching each of them lightly with the tips of her fingers.

She pulled out the book first. It was black, nothing written on the cover. She opened it to the flyleaf, eyes falling on the familiar inscription. She read it twice, before closing it and setting it on the desk.

The pictures were another story. The first one made Shepard's mouth twitch. It was a photo from her birthday two years before, when the _Normandy_'s crew had some rare shore leave. She and Gunnery Chief Ashley Williams had a bet going that unfortunately, Shepard lost, earning her a tattoo in the spot of her choosing. After working out a deal with Williams, Shepard had chosen to get it on her ribs just to spite her, only to realize what a horrible decision the location had been. In the picture, she was laying on her side, holding her shirt up just below her breasts, wincing, cheeks pale, as a bald guy inked her. Ashley was standing beside her, mid-laugh.

With one hand, she reached up to unbuckle her armor, shedding the pieces of her shell. She yanked up the tight under-armor beneath, looking down at her ribs. It was still there. Slightly faded, but there. Cerberus really had done their job.

The second picture was one of her father, tipping her off as to why her mother had left that - and the statue of the man riding the horse - behind. They'd divorced after Shepard enlisted, perhaps waiting for her to be out on her own before severing ties. They were still amicable (that she knew of) but there was really no reason for Hannah Shepard to save photos or trinkets that would only remind her of her ex-husband.

The last picture knocked the breath from her. Shepard had taken it, on the exact same day as the one of her and Ash, though the setting had been much different. Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko stared at her from the screen, a tiny smile brightening his face. His dark hair was pushed back from his face, his eyes, like oil spills, as intense as they had always been, but in the picture he looked happy. He _was _happy, she remembered. He'd been smiling at her. She thought of the book in the box, of the words written on the inside of it for her eyes only.

Her reserves crumbled. She nudged the box aside, sitting down in the chair. She let the pictures fall into her lap as she stared at her hands, clenching and unclenching her fingers, just like she'd done before. She didn't understand any of it. She was never religious, never superstitious, but now there were questions that she couldn't even begin to comprehend.

"Commander?" It was Joker. "Come to the bridge, when you've got a minute?"

"Yeah, I'll be right over." She waited a few minutes, gathering her thoughts, or at least trying to, before wearily standing and changing as quickly as possible, pieces of her Cerberus armor strewn across the floor. She pulled on the cargo pants and shirt that were in the in-wall cabinet beside her bed, the material rustling against her skin, a strange feeling after nothingness for so long, before she took the elevator back down.

Joker was muttering about the AI Cerberus had put in place when she arrived.

"Can you believe this?" he asked, annoyed. "It's creepy! And it calls me Mr. Moreau! My _dad_ is Mr. Moreau, not me."

"Definitely not normal," Shepard agreed, before swiftly changing the subject, wanting to be back in her cabin as quickly as she could. "So, you wanted to talk?"

The anger drained away from his face, and he averted his gaze, spinning his chair away from her. "Yeah, um, I figured you might…have questions. I do, too, actually."

"Me first." Shepard took a seat in one of the chairs for the gunners, currently unoccupied, swiveling towards him. "What the hell happened…afterward?"

"Afterward?" He shook his head. "It was a mess, Commander. It all sort of fell apart without you. Everything you stirred up, the Council just wanted it gone. They broke up the old team, sealed all the records, and grounded me - real fun, by the way."

"I'm sorry about all that. I'd change it if I could. But uh, to be honest, I meant _directly_ afterwards."

"Oh." Joker's face was closed off, emotions hidden. "That was a mess, too. I, uh… those were dark times. I think some of the old crew might've blamed me, people like Kaidan and Liara. It was hard to talk after that, knowing what we knew, and then they were just gone."

Shepard's lungs hurt when she took her next breath. "Kaidan?"

"Yeah, he was really torn up after it happened. I mean, everyone was shocked and sad - your mom gave this really epic speech on Elysium when they unveiled the memorial of you - but for everyone who knew you, who had gone through all that with you, it seemed pretty hollow."

"Wait." Shepard shook her head. "I have a _memorial_?"

"Yep, where you fought during the Blitz. Word is it's a really popular wedding spot - most popular in the galaxy, actually."

"You're kidding."

"Nope. No matter what you think, Shepard, to the galaxy you're a pretty big deal. Well, still are, now that you're back."

Shepard shook her head, sitting back in her seat. "So what happened to everyone else? Where are they now?" _Where's Kaidan?_

"Uh, well, the only thing I heard was Kaidan's still with the Alliance, and Tali went back to the Migrant Fleet. She completed her Pilgrimage, you know? Everyone else just kind of dropped off the map." Joker spun idly in his chair, leaning forward slightly. "It's a shame."

"Yeah." She wanted to know more, but it was obvious Jeff didn't have the answers she sought. She pressed on, shaking her hair back. "So you had a couple of questions? About what? I've been…well, you know."

"Well that's exactly it, Commander. You're the only person I know who has died and come back to talk about it. What was it like?"

Shepard looked down at her hands. She knew it was a question asked in innocence. She and Joker went way back, they were friends, they asked each other questions all the time before, but this… He had no idea what he was asking her.

She shook her head. "I don't remember."

"You don't remember anything? Not even a little bit?"

She looked away. "I remember the _Normandy_ getting hit, and waking up in a Cerberus facility. That's about it."

"Oh." Joker failed to hide the disappointment in his voice. "Okay."

"Yeah." Shepard stood. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I have two years of sleep to catch up on. Set a course for Omega. Oh, and when you get a second, send Chambers up to my cabin. There's a book I want her to get rid of."

"Aye aye, ma'am," he said. "Commander?"

She stopped on her way out of the cockpit. "Yeah?"

Joker smiled. "It's good to have you back."

_At least one of us seems to think so._


	4. Without A Word

_Stand there and look into my eyes_

_and tell me that all we had were lies_

-Birdy

* * *

Horizon changed everything. Well, not everything - _dying_ changed everything, but Horizon changed all of what was left, everything Shepard had to cling to.

It would be all too easy to pretend that, in the spare few moments she got alone on the _Normandy_, she hadn't spent too much time on her private terminal, trying to gain access to the files of her former comrades, remembering what it had been like before she'd died. She couldn't deny spending hours late into the night searching, looking for any sign of them, wondering if it would be stupid to try, to even _think_ about trying to communicate with them.

She had at least seen Tali, witnessing firsthand what she had been doing in the last two years, but it took the quarian less than ten minutes to deconstruct any preconceived notions the commander had. Things were no longer the same, and whatever illusions she still had were old-fashioned. Shepard had tried telling herself that was what things were like now. _Come on, Shep. Catch up with the times, before they leave you behind._

She should've remembered, expected it, when she finally came face-to-face with Kaidan Alenko. But of course, like all mentions of his name, she promptly forgot things weren't the way they used to, remembering only the people they'd been two years ago, and the partnership they'd forged in the heat of battle back then.

Regularly, she resented being fetched to speak with The Illusive Man, and most of their talks ended with her stomping away in anger. She was definitely not happy this time, having been pulled away from her meal to meet with him in the debriefing room. It was the usual from him: Horizon had gone black. Mordin Solus, the salarian doctor they'd picked up on Omega, had worked out a counter-measure for the seeker swarms, and if they hurried, they could stop the Collectors this time and save the colonists.

Shepard was about to bail, to have Joker fire up the _Normandy_, sure this mission was a dime a dozen, when The Illusive Man took a deep drag on his ever-present cigarette and said, "There's something else you should know." He exhaled, the smoke obscuring his face. "One of your former crew, Kaidan Alenko, is stationed on Horizon."

It shouldn't have registered, shouldn't have been more than a blip on her radar, but just like everything else with him, she reacted. "Kaidan? But I thought he was with the Alliance. What the hell is he doing out in the Terminus Systems?"

"Officially it's an outreach program to improve Alliance relations with the colonies. But they're up to something, and if they sent Commander Alenko, it must be big. I suggest you take it up with him."

The journey to Horizon was a whirlwind. Shepard resorted to locking herself up in her quarters, thinking of him and wondering what had changed about him, if anything, besides his new advancement to Commander. She paced hectically, looking at everything in the room but the picture she'd placed on the desk, wishing not for the first time that she was back on the original _Normandy_, because that at least held the memories, like a favorite book she could go back to and read as often as she liked. This new room was empty of Kaidan, empty of them, save for that picture, the one she'd taken on the day he'd taken her out for her birthday.

But that had been two years ago, and as she was learning, two years was a long time.

Eventually, she'd convinced herself: Maybe it was just time to give it up. Maybe it was time to move on. She was finally starting to push the emotions down, hiding them away, and then just when she thought she might get out of this without the scars, everything was dragged back up to the surface, leaving her gasping for air. She realized with a pang that this was the first time since she had returned that she'd felt something, _anything, _and she hoped more than anything that this was a good sign of things to come.

Before they arrived, Joker paged her to the bridge. "Commander, if you've got a second. Could use a word up front."

When she strolled over to the bridge, Joker was spinning idly in his chair, flicking little balls of rolled-up paper into EDI's holographic blue sphere. "What's up, J?"

"Just wanted to talk for a minute. Word is Kaidan's posted on Horizon. Although, I guess that's Commander Alenko now, huh?"

Shepard folded her arms over her chest. "The word's correct. What does that have to do with anything?"

"Well, isn't it going to be weird seeing him again?"

"Are you getting at a point here, Joker?"

"No, no," Joker said hastily, avoiding her eyes. "Just, uh…tell him hi from me, I guess."

When Shepard left the cockpit, she looked back once. She knew exactly what Joker was getting at - he was one of the only people who knew of the tryst between her and Kaidan, if she could even call it that.

They'd only spoken about it once, after Joker had interrupted the two of them kissing by the lockers. She'd immediately gone to Joker, bringing it up to try and explain, even though she had no idea what to say - she'd fallen on Lieutenant Alenko, and he caught her with his lips? - but Joker cut her off, saying, "Commander, if I can be frank, as far as I'm concerned, the only thing I overheard was a superior officer discussing the mission with a lieutenant." She was relieved; even more so when, as she was leaving, he said, "Just…be careful."

Despite his runaround, what Joker said got Shepard to thinking. It _would_ be weird seeing Kaidan again, and though she had imagined this moment for a long time, she wasn't sure what to expect. It wasn't over, not for her. She didn't know how Kaidan felt about it, though she'd tried to find out. Using a number of different aliases, she'd tried to hunt him down, to get a hint at where he might be or where she could find his email address, but she was a soldier: Give her a gun, and she could take it apart and put it back together again in under a minute, but throw in a computer, and she was scratching her head. She would have asked around for help if it wasn't so obvious why she needed it in the first place.

When they arrived at Horizon, Joker dropped Shepard and her team right into the middle of the invasion. They fought their way through the insect-like Collectors, using EDI to power a gun large enough to take down the dropship, but not large enough to stop them from getting away with a majority of the colonists. Shepard could have kicked herself, watching that ship grow smaller in the distance, as one of the lucky ones left behind came running forward.

"No! Don't let them get away!"

"There's nothing we can do. They're gone." The words tasted bitter on Shepard's tongue.

He paced in front of them, neck craned up to watch the sky. "Half the colony's in there! They took Egan and Sam and…and Lilith! Do something!"

"I didn't want it to end this way," Shepard fired back. "I did what I could, I'm sorry."

Garrus took a step forward, placing a hand on her arm. "More than most, Shepard."

The man paused. Slowly, he looked down, his gaze focused on her. "Shepard? Wait. I know that name. Sure, I remember you! You're some type of big Alliance hero." His words held the hint of a sneer.

Suddenly, another voice filled the air, one as familiar to Shepard as her own heartbeat. "Commander Shepard," Kaidan said, stepping out from behind cover. "Captain of the_Normandy_. The first human Spectre. Savior of the Citadel." With each achievement listed, he took another step towards her.

The breath vanished from her lungs at the sight of him. Two years was a _very_ long time, but he still looked so much like he did in her dreams: dark eyes you could fall into, hair black as the night sky slicked back from his face, and the lips she'd loved to kiss, shaping her name like they always used to. Though there was an oldness, a weariness, in his eyes that hadn't been there two years ago, he still looked strong, sure, steady, so unlike her in that moment that she felt weak, vulnerable, stripped bare beneath his gaze, awaiting his judgment. Her heartbeat was so loud, roaring in her ears, that she almost didn't catch his next words.

"You're in the presence of a legend, Delan." His voice lowered slightly, as he glanced at her. "And a ghost."

The raving colonist's annoyed remarks about the Alliance faded to the background, as she stared into Kaidan's eyes. She couldn't read all the emotions there, as he stepped up to her, staring like the day they'd first met, like he couldn't believe she was real.

"I thought you were dead, Shepard." His voice was more hoarse now, and she could see the way his hands shook. Perhaps he was not so unaffected by her presence, after all. He glanced past her, to Garrus. "We all did."

Garrus dipped his head, acknowledging the truth.

Kaidan stepped so close, his chest brushed hers. He reached up, fingers trembling, lightly stroking her chin, her cheeks, her lips, as if he couldn't believe she was standing in front of him, that she was real.

She heard Jack from behind her, asking Garrus, "What, did they fuck or something?" The word choice meant nothing to Shepard, but the nonchalance with which Jack said it, as if that was all it had ever been, all it could ever be, set her teeth on edge. She suddenly flushed, embarrassed to be put in this situation, on display for her team to see. She didn't know what she had expected, but not this; she felt like such a _fool_ for even imagining-

She shifted, about to take a step back, when Kaidan's arms suddenly enfolded her, pulling her into a tight hug. What little breath was left in her lungs vanished, as she buried her face in his neck, inhaling the scent of his aftershave, the smell she had loved so much coming back to her in full-force, making her head spin. He held her for a long time, as if afraid she might disappear again if he let go. She could feel his heart hammering through his Alliance armor, could feel the way his arms and shoulders were tensed, waiting for the bomb to drop.

He let go first. When he stepped away from her, his eyes were bruised. They were no longer filled with remembrance, but something else, something that caused Shepard's heart to plummet so far, she was afraid it had disconnected entirely.

"Two years," he said, his voice low. "You show up after _two years _and just act like nothing happened."

"Kaidan, I…I don't know what to say." No dream conversations or combat tactics could have prepared her for this moment; she really didn't know what to say, what to tell him to make any of it better, when the fact remained that she had died and come back as someone slightly different.

He leaned in, refusing to look away. "I thought we had something, Shepard. Something _real_. I…I loved you. I mourned you, for two whole years."

She wanted to cry out that it was real, that she still felt it every day she could barely focus for worrying about him, wondering where he was, and every night when she couldn't sleep, kept up by dreams of him, by memories, but the past tense wasn't lost on her. It stabbed straight into her, a more potent weapon than any of the ones on her back.

"Thinking you were dead _tore_ me apart," Kaidan went on. "How could you put me through that?"

If it was possible to break what had already been broken so many times it was unrecognizable, then Shepard felt this would be it, her heart splitting unevenly, her soul taking that final hit.

"Kaidan-"

He was angry now, and Shepard suddenly realized what was in his eyes was distrust. It broke over her with sudden clarity: Things were not the same, they might never be the same, and she was stupid to think they would be.

"Why didn't you try to contact me? Why didn't you let me know you were alive? All that time-"

"I _wasn't_ alive, I was clinically dead! It took those two years to bring me back. I've literally been back for, what, a month? And all the records were sealed, anyway." Shepard shook her head. Everything was coming out wrong and her thoughts were muddy, made worse by the feeling of snakes writhing in the pit of her stomach. "Look, I'm sorry, I'm sorry for…for dying, I guess, but I'm back now, and-"

"No, Shepard. I moved on. At least, I thought I did. But now we've got reports of you and Cerberus." His eyes became two chips of jet, turned hard and cold, as he stared at the armor she wore.

"Reports?" Garrus asked. Shepard jumped; she'd momentarily forgotten he and Jack were even there. "You mean you already knew?"

Kaidan seemed glad to focus all of his attention on Garrus; it was like Shepard had vanished before his eyes. "Alliance intel thought Cerberus might be behind the missing human colonies. They got a tip this colony might be the next one to get hit."

Jack hissed. "The Illusive Man."

"Anderson stonewalled me," Kaidan said, like Jack hadn't even spoken. His eyes cut back to Shepard like glass. "But there were rumors that you weren't dead, that you were working for the enemy."

Shepard stood up straight, narrowing her eyes. "I didn't realize humanity was the enemy here, Kaidan. Don't you see? Entire colonies are disappearing, and the Alliance has turned their back on them. Cerberus is the only group willing to do something about it. I wanted to save these people, so I chose the lesser of two evils." _Please, please understand_.

"The lesser of two _evils_?" Kaidan balled his hands into fists, taking a step forward. "You can't really believe that. We both know what Cerberus is like, what they're capable of! I wanted to believe the rumors that you were alive, but I never expected anything like this." His eyes roamed over her face, and she knew what he saw when he looked at the scars, what he felt sure she'd become. It took all of her willpower not to flinch beneath his scrutiny.

"You need to understand-" She reached for him, but he recoiled away from her touch. That stung more than any of his words in that moment.

"You turned your back on everything you believed in! You betrayed the Alliance. You betrayed _me_." The venom in his voice shocked her.

"Kaidan, you _know_ me."

"Do I?"

She ignored that, voice rising. "I've spent the last twelve years gunning for the Alliance. You know I'd only do this for the right reason. You have to believe me! You've seen it with your own eyes: the Collectors are targeting human colonies, and they're working with the Reapers."

Kaidan hesitated. "I want to believe you, Shepard, but _I don't trust Cerberus_. They could be using the threat of a Reaper to manipulate you. What if they're behind it? What if they're working with the Collectors?"

"Damn it, Kaidan," Garrus burst out, gesticulating wildly. "You're so focused on Cerberus that you're ignoring the real threat!"

Jack's eyes traveled back and forth between everyone. She looked wholly amused at the argument raging around her.

Shepard had a sudden flashback to two years prior, when they'd been chasing Saren, the rogue Spectre. The Council hadn't believed her about her visions, about what she could see coming for them: the Reapers, an army of them, ready to erase civilization as the Alliance knew it, as they'd been doing for millenia. Back then, Kaidan had backed her unconditionally, supporting her fully, despite how insane she might have sounded. But now? Now she was starting to think he sounded like all those bureaucrats he had once claimed to hate.

It was Shepard's turn to take a step back, folding her arms over her chest. "I think you're letting your feelings about their history get in the way here," she said quietly. "It's obscuring the facts."

Kaidan pitched his voice just as low as hers. "Maybe. Or maybe you feel like you owe Cerberus because they saved you. Maybe you're the one who's not thinking straight."

"Look, I-"

"You've changed," he said, his tone echoing with finality. "But I still know where my loyalties lie. I'm with the Alliance. Always will be."

Shepard suddenly found it hard to speak. "You're making a mistake," she whispered.

Kaidan turned and walked away, stopping a few feet away from her, his back to her. After a long silence, he glanced over his shoulder. "I've got to report back to the Citadel. The Council can decide if they believe your story or not."

Jack took that time to speak up. "Hey, isn't that where we're headed next?"

Shepard closed her eyes, wishing she had something to hit her with, even though to do so would most likely mean Jack ripping her limb from limb. Taking a deep breath, Shepard opened her eyes and nodded.

"Kaidan." She waited until he faced her before continuing. "I know I can't change any of this, and I know you want nothing to do with me, but we _are_ on our way to the Citadel, and you'd get there much faster if you rode with us." When he didn't answer, she went on. "Let me just do this one thing for you."

"You don't have to prove anything to me."

"Evidently, I do. Look, you don't have to talk to anyone. You can stay somewhere secluded, and we'll just go our separate ways once we reach the Citadel."

"You really think I'm going to willingly board a Cerberus vessel?" He scoffed.

"I think that once, you would have trusted me to look out for you," she said softly. "I think that somewhere inside you, you still believe that."

Kaidan was silent a long time, before folding his arms over his chest. "What if I say no?"

She shrugged, attempting nonchalance, but failing. "Then I'll leave you here. The Collectors might come back to finish the job, and who knows if we'll be around again in time to-"

"All right," Kaidan snapped. "Drop me at the Citadel. But I'm keeping all my weapons, and I don't even want to _see_ any Cerberus personnel."

"Then you'll have to close your eyes."

"Fine by me. After that, it's goodbye, Shepard." He looked like he wanted to say something else, but that hard voice came out instead, reminding her that they had both changed. "For good."

Slowly, she nodded. "For good."

In the next moment of silence, she radioed in Joker to send the shuttle. She didn't tell him about Kaidan. He could find out for himself.

When they boarded the ship through the hangar, Jack immediately scurried off to her hidey-hole in the bowels of the _Normandy_. Shepard turned to Garrus. "Please escort Commander Alenko to the Starboard Observational Deck. He can stay there while we're en route to the Citadel. Make sure he's comfortable."

Kaidan didn't say a word, eyes directed at the floor. Garrus looked between the two of them uncertainly.

"And what about Miranda? She won't like being undermined as your second-in-command or whatever it is she does."

"You've always been my second, she just never knew it. So fuck Miranda. Fuck The Illusive Man. Fuck all of it." Shepard shook her head, her long hair obscuring her face. "I'm going to my quarters. Please don't disturb me unless it's a dire emergency. Good night."

Without another word, Shepard turned on one heel and marched up to the elevator. Once she was inside, she slumped against the wall and covered her face with her hands._I've lost my mind. All because of Kaidan_. The echoes of his name inside her mind hurt, as she remembered a time she'd loved to say it. Now, she wanted nothing more than to forget him, to purge his very existence from her mind, like wiping a data drive clean. She wished she could just send every wasted minute of it all into nothingness, into dead space, to a place where nothing grew and there was no light, a place it would never come back from.

Joker linked her private comm a few minutes later, as the elevator was opening onto her floor. "Um, Commander, is there a reason Kaidan is being locked up on Deck Three like he's a prisoner? Because when I said you two had a thing, I really didn't want to know about any weird fetishes or-"

Something snapped. "Shut up, Joker," Shepard snarled. "Just shut up for once, all right?" There were some goddamn things even a joke couldn't touch, things a joke _shouldn't_touch.

For one of the first times ever, Joker was completely silent on the other end.

"If you need anything else, defer to Garrus, please. I'm busy." She severed the link, ripping the earpiece out and throwing it onto her desk. Too late she noticed the picture of Kaidan still sitting there. Before she had time to think, she picked it up and threw it across the room. It hit her armor console, the screen fizzling before going out. Sinking down into the chair at her desk, Shepard sat still for just a moment - before she leaped up, making it to the trashcan a few feet away just in time for her to be violently sick.


	5. Bulletproof Heart

**Thanks so much for follows, faves, and reviews! You're great. Anyway, flashback time!**

* * *

_I got a bulletproof heart, you got a hollow point smile_

-My Chemical Romance

* * *

Everybody knew she was on board, but from what Kaidan heard of the ship gossip, only a handful of the personnel had actually seen her. He hadn't, figuring it was smarter to just do his job rather than lurk the corridors looking to corner a war hero. Still, every time someone else saw her, the excited whispers would move through the crew, and Kaidan would again hear through the grapevine all the fantastic rumors surrounding the most accomplished soldier to come out of Interplanetary Combatives Training, Lieutenant Commander Shepard.

Commander Shepard. Just her name inspired awe. Everybody knew who she was. There were some things you couldn't do without becoming a famous war hero, and almost single-handedly taking down a ground force during the Skyllian Blitz was one of them. She was a living legend, and she was on their ship, living and eating and serving on _their _ship.

Beauty though she was, the_ Normandy_ wasn't that big - so Kaidan couldn't figure out why he hadn't seen the Commander yet. He always seemed to just miss her; it got to the point where he began wondering if she was purposely avoiding him. But why would someone he'd never met go to that much trouble just to stay away from him?

It finally happened late one evening. A bunch of them were gathered in the mess area, doing the usual: eating to keep up calorie intake, if they were biotic, like him; playing cards; reading books or magazines; recording vids to send home; drinking smuggled liquor; and all around talking and laughing, being loud to enough that it was becoming harder and harder for Kaidan to fight what felt like the start of a migraine. He hid his face behind a month-old magazine, but it was all starting to become too much.

Several of the engineers nearest him were being particularly obnoxious. They'd gotten a little tipsy on some smuggled batarian nosh, and their volume increased with each poorly told anecdote. Finally, Kaidan broke after a rather rude joke involving an asari and a varren.

"Hey," he snapped, smacking his magazine against the table's surface. "How about you watch your mouth, huh?"

"Whoa ho!" the loudest of the bunch exclaimed, eyes widening. He was named Buchanan, if Kaidan's memory served. "What, are we bothering your _me time_, princess?"

Kaidan shook his head, disgusted. "Why don't you just go sleep it off? You're embarrassing yourself."

"What's your problem, man?"

Kaidan shoved the magazine away, holding up his hands. "No problem. You, on the other hand, are being disrespectful."

"Ooh, _disrespectful_. Get a load of this guy." He laughed meanly, and his friends followed suit.

Suddenly, Kaidan was standing, his chair pushed back and his hands balled into fists. He hadn't meant to, didn't want to, but his anger was making his decisions for him.

Buchanan's eyes widened, before narrowing. "What? You wanna fight, is that it?" He swayed on his feet. The noise in the room increased, as Kaidan stared him down.

Suddenly, a voice rose above the din, clear and imposing. "You want to fight someone? Fight me."

The noise in the room tapered off, before going silent. Whispers began as everyone swiveled, looking to find the source of the voice. A woman Kaidan had barely noticed sat in a corner. She handed the book she'd been reading to the man next to her, slowly rising to her feet. Kaidan briefly thought how he'd never seen her before, when everyone around him suddenly jumped to their feet, scrambling to salute, and it hit him.

Kaidan's annoyance faded to the background as he saluted her as well. He stared, unabashed, finally face-to-face with Commander Shepard. He was almost taken aback, for she was not who he'd been expecting. All the talk of her made her seem larger-than-life, so much so that he'd always assumed she was. He didn't expect the curvy woman before him with bright eyes, but he didn't know what he had been expecting, truthfully. Just looking at her, though, he could see why she was so talked about throughout the galaxy. There was a brightness to her, an aura, that commanded immediate respect

She nodded to everyone. "At ease."

Her hair was a dusky reddish brown, the ends ragged like she'd cut it herself, falling to her chin. Her face was long, all sharp cheekbones and hard angles, like a work of art made to be deciphered. On her right cheek, there was a long thin scar, and another slicing through her lips. Long lashes framed brilliant green eyes that stared coldly at Engineer Buchanan.

One of the other engineers, a woman named Kendricks, hesitantly stepped forward. "With respect, Commander, we had no idea you were here-"

"I understand. But that's not the real issue here, is it?" Circling around the table, she stood directly in front of Buchanan. "Well?"

"Commander?"

"You wanna fight?"

"No, Commander."

"I thought as much. You like jokes, Engineer?"

Buchanan stumbled over a reply. Commander Shepard didn't back down, didn't even blink.

"Well, going by that _hilariously_ funny one you just told about the asari dancer, I'd say you do. You want to hear one? It's a particular favorite of mine."

"Yes, Commander."

"All right, it goes like this: An engineer drinks himself into idiocy and makes a complete ass out of himself one night. He insults his superior officer, Staff Lieutenant Alenko, and challenges him to a fight." Buchanan shot a terrified glance at Kaidan. "You know the funny part?"

"N-no, Commander."

"If Alenko wanted it, he could boot that engineer's ass off this ship and back to his mommy and daddy on Earth so fast, he'd arrive _yesterday_. You get what I'm saying here, Engineer Buchanan?"

He nodded so fervently, Kaidan was almost certain Buchanan would hurt himself.

Suddenly, Commander Shepard smiled brightly. It looked strange on her face, too wide, too fierce. "But we don't want that, now do we, kiddo?"

The rigorous up and down of his neck shifted suddenly, wagging side to side.

"That's what I thought!" She clapped him on the shoulder. "Now, I think you'd better do as Lieutenant Alenko suggested, and make friends with your bunk. Sound good?"

"Yes, Commander."

"Go on, then."

He staggered from the room. After a second, his friends filtered after him, heads together, whispering. Kendricks wasn't among them. She, like Kaidan, like everyone else, was staring at Commander Shepard with a combination of reverence and awe.

"Here you are, Commander." It was the man who'd been sitting beside her. He handed her book back to her. Kaidan sat back down, expecting her to disappear again, grateful he at least got one glimpse of her, when she suddenly plopped down in Buchanan's empty seat, across the table from him. He stared at her, questioning.

She flipped through her book, finding the page she'd been on earlier. She looked at him briefly, before doing a double take. "Something on your mind, Lieutenant?"

"I, uh…" He said the only thing he could think of. "Thank you. Ma'am."

"I read your file," she explained, slouching down in her chair. "I know about the migraines from your implant. I read everyone's file. Helps to know who I'll be serving with, if that makes it sound less…" She trailed off, turning her attention to her book.

She was quiet for so long, he elected to prompt her. "Commander?"

"Creepy. That's the word I was looking for." She didn't look up. "So? You all right?"

The throbbing was still there, but less emphasized than it had been. He nodded. "Ship-shape, Commander."

Her face was hidden by her book once again, but he thought there was a smile in her voice when she said, "Glad to hear it, Lieutenant."

It became somewhat of a ritual for them, after that evening, to sit in the same seats in the mess area, neither of them talking, just reading for a few hours before turning in. Some nights, she couldn't be there, and he understood; as Commander and XO, she was often busy, involved in conference calls with admirals and someone he'd heard her refer to as "The Doyenne." She was busy doing other things too, that he heard about later from other crew members: She played cards with So-and-So on Friday nights, exchanged stories with This Person during lunch hour, and would stop by and chat with Joker, their sarcastic pilot, every morning before meeting with Captain Anderson.

Even if she was steadily making friends with the entire crew, he had her for at least one night. Sure, they didn't talk, but it was interesting to just watch her, which was usually what he did while pretending to read magazines or check his mail.

He couldn't explain why he was so fascinated with her. It could have been that she was a living legend, sitting beside him in the flesh at least once every couple of days. It could have been the way she never spoke since that first time, not once. It could have been the way her hair fell into her eyes, or how she let out little sighs, like she was frustrated or amused. It could have been the way she devoured books the way some of the other crew members did their meals, and did this thing while she was reading that he was sure she was unaware of, reaching up to stroke the scar on her lip. He wondered how she'd gotten it, but never had the nerve to ask.

More than anything, though, he had a feeling that his fascination stemmed from her sitting beside him. There were a dozen other places she could go to read, to get away from the crew, to find solace. And yet, she chose to sit next to him.

Most nights, he caved first, saying goodnight and heading off for his bunk. He never knew what she did after he left, but one night, he endeavored to find out.

His eyes were itching with fatigue, but he didn't dare get up, didn't dare give in to sleep. He reminded himself it was worth it, if he could somehow find out more about her. It took an extra hour, and Kaidan re-reading the same article six times, before she finally sighed and shut her book. When he looked up at her, she was blinking at him like she hadn't even noticed he was there.

"Lieutenant. Can't sleep?"

He set the magazine down, smiling slightly. "Looks like."

"Is it the implants?"

He shrugged. He could lie and say that it was, but something about her demanded honesty. He thought it was her eyes. They pierced right through him, and narrowed like they'd know if he was lying. "To be honest, Commander, I wanted to talk."

"That so?" She leaned forward in her chair, eyes never leaving his face for a second. "About what?"

There was a split-second of panic, as Kaidan realized he had never gotten that far in every imagined conversation between the two of them. His gaze dropped to her book; he pointed. "What are you reading?"

"Oh, this?" She picked it up, stroking the spine. The words had all but faded entirely. "It's poetry, by a guy called Pablo Neruda. He's an old favorite of mine."

"Never heard of him."

Commander Shepard smiled, her scars stretching dramatically. "I'm not surprised. This book belonged to my great-grandparents way back when. It's actually falling apart." She held it up, and he could see the yellowed edges of pages, and the strings barely holding the binding together. "I'm sure they've got data pads rigged with downloads, but I've never really been a fan. There's something so much more organic about books."

"Plus, it's been in your family. It's more personal."

She nodded, eyes sparkling. "Yeah, exactly. That's where I got all my books. You should see my quarters sometime - there's hardly any room to move around."

Kaidan chose to ignore that comment, the possible implications already rising to the surface. It would be pointless to lie and say he wasn't attracted to her, but there was nothing for it: She was his commanding officer, and there were regulations.

She was still talking, laughing. "It pisses Anderson off to no end. Same with The Doyenne. She told me not to bring them - says I'm a soldier, not a librarian - but since she gave me most of them, I figured it was safe to ignore her. Besides, it's nice to have something from home."

"Wait." Two plus two suddenly added up. "The Doyenne is _your mother_?" He had heard of Hannah Shepard, naturally, but he had never quite made the connection before.

She looked surprised. "Yeah. She hates that I call her that."

"I can imagine why." He laughed, couldn't help himself. She did, too.

As they spent the next hour talking, exchanging stories, he couldn't help but realize he had missed this. Sure, he had a couple friends among the crew, people like Kendricks and Jenkins, but they never _really_ talked. He'd forgotten how fun it could be.

Finally, though, she was doing all she could to suppress wide yawns, and it was way too late for the both of them. Kaidan decided to bow out gracefully, hopeful that they could do this again.

He stood up, saluting. "Commander, it's been fun."

She smiled. "It has, Lieutenant. But I admit, I'm a little surprised."

"Commander?"

"When most people want to know about me, the first thing they ask me is my first name."

That hadn't even occurred to him. He'd heard it before when she first became well-known during the Blitz, but afterwards, it was always Commander Shepard, daughter of esteemed military officials, Hannah and Philip. It had become so synonymous with her, that it was easy to forget there _was_ a first name beyond that title. But now, standing there with her, alone and talking for one of the first times, he realized how much more there was to find out, how much more lay beneath the soldier - and how badly he wanted to know.

"Well, you can tell me. What do you say, Friday, same time, same place?"

Her grin only widened, his gaze drawn to the scar on her lip. "Sounds like a plan, Lieutenant."

They went their separate ways, but Kaidan was almost sure she looked back.

* * *

It was just supposed to be a simple mission down on Eden Prime, but if there was one thing Shepard had learned, it was that nothing was simple, not on a ship like the _Normandy_.

"Dammit!"

The crew had mostly scuttled away once the word spread that she was not in a good mood, but Shepard didn't care if anyone heard her, as she kicked aside a chair. It banged against the wall, bouncing off her locker. She yanked the door open, pulling out her armor piece by piece, throwing it on the table beside her. She slammed the locker door shut again with a clang. Her head hurt fiercely, her neck throbbing from that damn beacon, and she just wanted some food and some sleep - though she'd had enough to last two days - just so she could get away from everyone, from having to do anything, because she was so angry she could barely think.

She didn't mean to go off, but ever since she had woken up back on the _Normandy_, after a day of thrilling, horrific nightmares, it had been brewing inside of her as she answered questions and spoke to Anderson about what to do next and where to go and what it all meant and let Chakwas poke and prod her and shine lights in her eyes and tried not to acknowledge Alenko's eyes on her the entire time, but it was just too damn much and she needed to get away as soon as she could, and she did.

Nothing set her off like losing someone. Since she had been _born_, the military was her life; she saw it every day in her parents and in everything around on her, on the numerous stations and ships, in the presence of dozens of tutors trying to give her some semblance of an education, in the Alliance higher-ups who smiled down at her, wondering what her future held. Since she was eighteen, it had been her life as well, and she was participating in it, rather than just watching it from the sidelines, playing the game with a fierce desire to do well, to rise high.

It was a simple formula, really. Complete the mission. Save people in need. Contribute not only to humanity but to the progression of the galaxy. Protect. Lead. Excel. But life got in the way; things happened, snow-balling so fast and out of control that she couldn't stop them. That's how it was on Elysium, and that was how it was on Eden Prime. When she closed her eyes, she could still see Jenkins and Nihlus, the knowledge that they had _just_ been talking to her two days prior both startling and painful all at once.

Though she had eluded it, and in worst case scenarios, even caused it, death always astounded Shepard. She didn't understand it, the way people, whether mere fragments of your life or towering structures holding everything in place for you, could slip from one world to the next like it was simply opening a door and walking through to the other side. She didn't understand how someone who was there, embedded in your memories, in messages, on vids, could just be gone. Her mind was capable of many things: As a child, she'd excelled in her studies, unstable though her education was throughout the years, and she was incredibly gifted with languages and writing, fascinated by classical works of literature and music, a passionate dancer, proficient in combat skills and survival. She was a talented twenty-eight-year old woman, not some wondering child who couldn't process _how._ But she couldn't fathom the limits of life and death. Her problem was _why_, and _where_.

Along with astounding her, death infuriated her, especially when her comrades were the ones taken. It was her job, her _life_, to protect people. And if she couldn't even do that, then what was her purpose? Who was she?

Shepard lashed out, punching her locker. The metal dented easily beneath her fist. She winced, shaking her hand out as her knuckles smarted and stung. Taking a step back, she took a deep breath, cradling her hurt hand in the other.

"Commander?"

Shepard spun around. Kaidan Alenko was standing there, looking at her uneasily. His gaze flicked from her to the dented locker and then back again. He didn't say anything, just watched her evenly with his dark eyes.

"Lieutenant. What do you need?" She didn't mean it to, but the words came out harsh, uncaring. It was the worst moment for him to show up, but a part of her relished it, wanting to pick a fight, wanting to take another swing, if only to relieve the pressure inside that was threatening to overwhelm her.

He took a step forward, looking as though he was deep in thought. Finally, however, he asked, "Are you okay?"

She almost nodded, sending him on his merry way so she could be alone, protecting the others from herself when she was like this. But he was still watching her with those dark eyes, and she remembered all too well their friendship, the way they gravitated towards each other in a room full of people and the acute feeling of pleasure at realizing they wouldn't be alone. Kaidan – Lieutenant Alenko, that is – had always picked up on her, could always sense when something was wrong. Not that he needed to be particularly intuitive at the moment; she was almost certain everyone could hear her. She was only surprised Doctor Chakwas hadn't come hurrying over to tell her to calm down, that getting angry wouldn't help her injuries in the slightest.

So instead of ushering him away, she tersely shook her head. No, she was not okay. It never got any easier. It was always like this, always would be. She wanted to be perfect, wanted everyone to be okay, but life had other plans for her. _Damn it._

Alenko didn't look afraid of her, merely concerned. "Commander, permission to speak freely."

Shepard made an indifferent gesture, avoiding his gaze. She could already imagine what he might say, could already hear the voices running through her head. Get it together, you're making a scene. Remember everything they tell us: You're already dead the moment you hit the battlefield, so what does it matter? Kill your humanity to get the job done. Stop letting your personal feelings get in the way of being the soldier I know you are. All of them were things her mother had told her all her life, and all of them were things she had tried so hard to do in every situation. She had learned, though, that it wasn't that easy, would _never_ be that easy.

Alenko paused, before nodding at her. "Jenkins was my friend."

The simplicity of that statement hit her right in the gut. He didn't offer up any more of an explanation, just shrugged and said it in that understanding way that made her want to hit him. They were always spotted together on the _Normandy_, always talking and laughing in the mess hall and causing minor havoc for both Captain Anderson and Doctor Chakwas to clean up, especially in the earlier days, days she'd only heard tales about when they were younger and she was still in ICT. She blushed faintly, wondering what he must have thought about her carrying on when the burden was really on his shoulders all along. Of course Jenkins was his friend. She should have known, should have remembered.

Shepard took a deep breath, her shoulders slumping. "I know. I'm sorry, Lieutenant. I should have done more."

"Hey." He crossed the distance between them in two quick strides. "I was there. You did everything right. It was just bad luck." He reached out a hand to lightly grasp her shoulder. "Look, I…knew Jenkins a long time. And I know he'd be glad and proud to have served alongside you. And in a way, it's almost… Well, I don't want to say good, because it isn't, it won't ever be, but…" He looked her in the eyes. "At least he got to go home."

Shepard nodded, thinking of her own home of Earth, and the way Jenkins eyes had shone when they touched down on Eden Prime. Alenko had a point. Still, it hurt, and probably always would. At least the mission wasn't a complete failure, she thought, reflecting on what they had lost in so short an amount of time…and what they had gained. She suddenly frowned. "What happened to Chief Williams?"

"She's here. I expect Anderson will want to talk to you about her. She's up in the mess, waiting to find out what we have in store for her."

Planetside, she had been informative, willing to assist, and even more importantly, straight to the point without any bullshit. As someone who understood all the red tape of the military and politics, Shepard was appreciative. Williams was a good soldier from what she had seen, and they could use all the help they could get. _Especially now._

Still, she wanted to know. "What was your impression of her?"

"She's a determined soldier, and incredibly well put-together after losing her entire squad. She seems to follow orders well, and is eager to help whenever she can." Alenko nodded. "I think she would make a nice addition."

"So do I. I just wanted to know your thoughts on it. I don't want this to feel like—I mean, it's not like I want to fill his place as soon as possible, because that would be—"

"She has nowhere else to go," Alenko interjected smoothly, nodding. "And it's not like she's taking his place."

"Yeah, you're right. It's just… He was a great guy. It's a real blow when that sort of thing happens. Everyone here will miss him."

"I know, but that's what it means to be Alliance. We all lose somebody, whether we're ready for it or not. What matters is that we're all here now, together, and we're still fighting for the ones we've lost." His fingers tightened on her shoulder. "Don't tear yourself up over this. Jenkins wouldn't have wanted that."

"Yeah, I know, I just…" Shepard sighed. "It's hard."

The two of them were silent a moment, and Shepard wondered what came next. They'd lost Jenkins, gained Ashley, and there was still the two of them in the middle, still the same two since the beginning when she'd been assigned to the _Normandy_. She wondered if one day, something would happen to her, or even him. She found she didn't want that, not by a long shot, and her stomach clenched at the very thought of it.

She glanced at Alenko, at the dark circles under his eyes and the fatigue emanating off of him in waves, frown marring her features. "Lieutenant, how long were you sitting at my bedside?"

He shrugged nonchalantly. "Not too long." His eyes said differently.

She met his gaze, and they both knew he was lying. He kept his face carefully blank, and she tried to do the same, tried to keep the astonishment out of her eyes as she realized he had sat beside her bed for over fifteen hours, keeping a vigil and watching over her. Maybe she wasn't the only one who was afraid of death and what it might mean.

If she hadn't been so shocked, she might have reprimanded him, but as it was, she didn't know what to say other than what made sense.

"I… Thank you."

At least he pretended to be puzzled. "Commander?"

"For everything. I know I'm not always easy to deal with, but it means a lot that you're here."

He smiled slightly and she was glad to see it. They would never forget what had happened on Eden Prime, and even far in the future, they would probably still feel the loss, but at least they still had each other. _And hopefully we will for a long time._

"We're part of the Alliance. We're supposed to stick together."

"Of course." She took a deep breath, shaking her hair back, slipping back into her professional skin once more. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a meeting with the Council via comm. There's a lot to talk about."

"You're not kidding." He released her, stepping back. "Commander."

She nodded. "Lieutenant." She made for the stairs across the room, forcing herself not to turn around and look at him, to see his face just before she turned the corner and walked up several steps.

Alone, out of sight, she stopped and leaned against the wall. She took a deep breath and idly raised her hand to touch her shoulder in the same place he had.


	6. You Cut Her Hair

_So live, live long, see her face in everyone_

_and turn, turn the page, start again_

-Tom McRae

* * *

When Anderson sent him the email, Kaidan hadn't intended to do anything at all except finish up his business on the Citadel, and get the hell back to Earth to report to the Alliance. Still, as he ate his last meal on the station, he couldn't help listening to the voice in his head that sounded painfully like hers, telling him to go, to cling to what little pieces of her that he had left.

So he finished up and headed over to the apartment he had frequented only several months before, the apartment where he had shared meals and laughter with her, among other things. It was her place, her sanctuary, and he had been a part of that too by her invitation, telling him exactly just how much she treasured their…whatever it was that they'd been doing.

But that was before. Now, it was just another empty place.

When he arrived, there were turian workers hauling furniture out and down the hallway. He pressed himself to the wall, watching them go past. He frowned, wondering who was already in there as he kept going down the corridor. There was a small crowd outside the door, neighbors who had come wondering, questioning why there was so much activity. Judging by some of their faces, however, Kaidan was sure that some of them at least had known who she was.

Kaidan flashed his ID to the sentry outside, letting himself be scanned. From inside the apartment, he caught a slightly familiar clipped voice.

"…and tell them to finish up with the furniture, will you? I have somewhere to be soon. Where is that landlord? I swear…"

When the sentry nodded his okay, Kaidan pushed past, standing in the foyer of what had once been Shepard's apartment. It was pure chaos. The walls were bare, the furniture dismantled, stacked boxes against the wall nearly as tall as him. With a hollow feeling in his chest, he realized someone else would live in there, someone else would move all their belongings in and fill up the spaces that had belonged to him and Shepard; someone else would make new memories of their own and it wouldn't be filled with his anymore. The thought staggered him so much he just stood there in the middle of the stripped living room for several minutes, frozen. He was suddenly overcome with the mad desire to buy it, to ensure that his realizations never happened, even though he knew it was crazy, that he would never be able to afford it, not on his salary.

He reached out one hand to touch the wall, his fingertips inches away from it, when he stopped, finding he couldn't. The walls were a part of her, as much as he had been once. They were what she hid behind when she needed to, they were what held in her cries, what reverberated her laughter, what she leaned against when she had nothing else to hold her up. He slowly retracted his arm.

Kaidan suddenly felt lost inside the apartment, standing still while everyone else was moving so fast around him, blurred to his dull senses. He was just thinking of leaving, wondering why he was still standing there, wondering why he had shown up at all, when he made the mistake of looking up, staring directly into Hannah Shepard's eyes across the room. The resemblance was so strong that he nearly gasped, until he realized with a sick sense of longing that her eyes were blue, not green, and that they would never be green.

She was still in uniform like him, her chest glittering with the medals of esteem and the symbols of her rank. They'd tried to make her an admiral, but she had declined once the news of Shepard's death broke. She was supposed to be addressing it in a speech on Elysium at the memorial dedication in a week. Kaidan wondered what she would think if he didn't attend.

She narrowed her eyes at him, her gaze dropping to his chest, to read the name tag sewn onto his uniform. There was a sharp pinprick of recognition there when she raised her eyes once more, and this time, he retreated, his back to the wall, the hostility in her eyes pinning him there. He didn't know what he had expected, but it wasn't that. He remembered the fight he had overheard between Shepard and her mother once, the fight they'd been having about him. Her mother's words came back to him, stabbing into him all over again.

_He's not worth throwing away your life._

She finished up instructing the laborers to take more boxes, before striding over towards him. There was no escape; he was caught in the crossfire, and now he had to take it. He stood up as straight as he could manage, staring back at her defiantly. He still remembered to salute at the last second, though it was as insolent as he had ever been able to manage in the face of authority.

Looking at her, he could see immediately where Shepard got her fire. Her mother had strawberry hair brushed back into a severe bun. Her nose was crooked like it had been broken not once but twice, and there was a purple scar running jagged through her left eyebrow. Her jaw was blockier than Shepard's, but she clenched her teeth in the same way, narrowing her eyes with those same gold eyelashes.

"Lieutenant."

"Captain. I'm so sorry for—"

She didn't wait for him to finish. "What are you doing here? To see how many of my daughter's possessions you could make off with?"

Kaidan shook his head slowly, forcing himself to remain calm. "No, ma'am."

"Good, because I'm came here expressly to forbid that." She folded her arms over her chest. "I know exactly who you were to her, and you should know now, I've never approved of it. In fact, I attempted several times to persuade her from continuing this course of action."

Course of action. Like he was just another mission, and Shepard had been making a mistake. He wouldn't deny that their…_liaison_ hadn't been the wisest move, especially when it seemed so apparent that everyone else knew about it, but never would Kaidan consider it a mistake.

"I am aware of that, ma'am."

She cocked her scarred eyebrow, the knitted skin stretching and catching the light. "Oh?"

"Yes, Captain. I actually overheard one of those times. She and I discussed it later."

"Did you? How cute."

A surge of anger rose in him, bubbling beneath his skin, and he couldn't stop himself. "She and I believed that discussing things was an important facet to a healthy, lasting relationship."

She looked momentarily confused. "And?"

"With respect, I just thought you might like to know, since that concept seems unfamiliar to you."

She unfolded her arms, and for a split-second, he thought she might hit him. Her face flushed, and she clenched her fists, the ring finger of her left hand still bearing the light skin from where her wedding ring had sat for eighteen years before being suddenly removed. She leaned in close, lowering her voice.

"That's all good and well, Lieutenant, but there is one thing you've failed to grasp."

"And what would that be, ma'am?"

"What you had was nothing more than a schoolboy's crush. Did you really think she wasn't in the military for life? That once this death-or-glory mission you were on was over, she would just quit – and do what? Marry you?" She snorted derisively. "There was no future, no miraculous happy ending, where the two of you ended up together. She knew this, had always known this, whether she wanted to or not."

Kaidan's heart felt like it was plunging into his stomach, dissolving in the acid. "You're wrong."

She went on as if she hadn't heard him. "To be honest, I'm surprised she didn't end it long before. What was the point of dragging it out? Nobody likes a festering wound. She should have just severed the infected limb." She was silent for a moment, her eyes searching his face. Finally, she said, "I think it's about time you give up and move on, don't you? You no longer have any place here. Let her _family_ grieve for her."

He could hear the resentment under her words, the anger roiling inside her. She blamed him for what had happened, and Kaidan couldn't say he hadn't expected that, but it still hurt, roughing up the bruised parts of him that had already been kicked to the ground.

"I…" He shook his head. "For the record, Captain, I respectfully disagree."

"I'm sure you do. I'm also sure you were just leaving."

"Yes, ma'am."

"And here," she said, turning away, taking something out of a nearby box and slapping it into his palm. "Take this with you. Nobody in this family has a use for it anymore."

It was a black book, no words written on the cover. He knew exactly what it was. His fingers tightened around it, and he nodded, looking up at her. "Thank you, Captain Shepard." He was surprised to find he actually meant it.

"You're welcome. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have an apartment to empty…and a funeral to attend."

Several of the movers walked between them, breaking their eye contact. Kaidan took that moment to disappear.

On his way over, he'd been momentarily optimistic, thinking that maybe Anderson was right, that going to her apartment would heal some part of him and help him get closure, but he realized now how stupid he had been to even entertain that thought. How could anything heal him? She was gone, she wasn't coming back, and that knowledge was ever-present like the shadow that followed his footsteps; there was no running away, not anymore.

He followed the movers out into the hallway, lost in his thoughts, until he tried to step around them. A glint of silver from inside the foremost open box caught his eye, and he stopped, peering inside. "What's in there?"

The turian and human exchanged a look, as if wondering simultaneously who the creepy guy was asking after the dead woman's belongings. Still, they didn't call security, so Kaidan took that as a good sign.

"You knew her?" the human asked.

Kaidan nodded. "Served on her ship."

He nodded too. "She was incredible. Real inspiring. That was her mom back in there – but I guess you knew that."

If Kaidan didn't think about Hannah Shepard for the rest of his life until the very moment of his death, it would still be too soon. He changed the subject, pointing into the box. "So what's all this stuff?"

"Oh." The turian blinked at him with liquid eyes. "A recovery team went out to the crash site a few days back. This was uh, all they could find, sir."

Kaidan's heart stuttered with the realization of what he was looking at, half-buried under chunks of blackened armor and some random books her mom had probably thrown in there with them. They were her dog tags. He nodded, pretending to find interest in something else, waiting until the movers set the box down in the hallway with some of the others before going back inside the apartment. The moment he was alone, Kaidan stuck his hand inside the box, clenching the beaded silver chain in his fist before hurrying away.

The last thing he did before leaving was stop by Anderson's office. Kaidan waited until the door opened, before stalking inside and throwing the black book down on his desk, knocking aside the datapad he'd been reading. He lifted his hands, looking up at Kaidan calmly.

"Lieutenant."

"You can have that. Hannah Shepard gave it to me—"

"_Captain_ Hannah Shepard."

"—and you know what's funny? Shepard, she used to call her mother The Doyenne. Did you know that?"

Anderson didn't reply.

"Well she did, and now I completely understand why." Kaidan suddenly backed up, holding his own hands up, retreating. "Anyway, you can have that and whatever's left at her apartment too. I don't know what you were thinking, but I clearly wasn't, and I just…I need to go." Anderson opened his mouth to speak, but Kaidan shook his head. "No. There was only one thing I wanted, and I don't have it anymore, so there's no point. Have a good night, Councilor."

With that, he turned and walked away. Two sets of dog tags bounced against his chest beneath his shirt, one right after the other, a heartbeat calling out into the void, waiting for an answer that wasn't coming.

* * *

"Come on, Alenko." A shoulder nudged him. "Just one night. You don't have to stay out for long, just come out with us."

They'd been spinning him the same lines for months, pushing, pulling, trying whatever they could to get him to just spend more than a few minutes among people. It wasn't that he didn't try, it was just that after more than that, it started to hurt, seeing other people laughing, drinking, dancing, when they didn't even realize the price their freedom had been bought with. They had no idea what had been lost.

He had thrown himself into work - even landing a promotion, somehow garnering a recommendation from Anderson, despite the way he'd treated the Councilor the last time they spoke - but it didn't help, not when he was constantly forced to remember everything all over again, the bad and the good, like the night he'd taken her out for her birthday on the Citadel. He could've sworn she fell in love with him that night, but thinking about it for too long was too much.

Friends of his, Reese and Lewis, finally hit their breaking point. "Stop moping," they said, though neither of them knew the particulars, that he was moping over the war hero and savior of the galaxy that they so revered. "Get out and live again! It wouldn't kill you, man."

He didn't bother saying he wished it would, as he finally relented, just to get them off his back. Reese and Lewis did a victory dance.

They went to a club in Vancouver called Pulse, a place Kaidan knew well. The music pounded through him, as the continued drinks from his friends sizzled the ends of his nerves. Reese and Lewis were so happy to get him out, they didn't stop talking, not once. Kaidan was grateful for it, as they picked subjects so far from his usual predicament that he couldn't help smiling a little. Bolstered by the alcohol, he even managed to joke once or twice. For the first time in months, he felt normal, like maybe nothing had happened and it had all been a bad dream.

Until _she_ bumped into Reese.

"Oh, I-" She turned, her face lighting up at the sight of him. She was pretty, with light eyes that glowed purple in the club's sporadic lights, and dimples for miles. Her short, dark hair fell to her chin. "Brian? Oh, it's so good to see you!"

"Audrey, oh my god!" Reese hugged her with one arm, the other hand still holding a beer. "It's been so long, how the hell are you?" He called the bartender over, to replace the drink she'd spilled on him when she hit him.

"I'm fine, fine. And Joe, hey." She waved at Lewis, before turning to Kaidan with a smile. "And… I'm sorry, but I don't think I know you. I'm Audrey McCarthy."

"She's that doctor friend of ours. Remember, I mentioned her?" As inelegantly as possible, Reese nudged Kaidan. "Had no idea she'd be here, though. What luck! Audrey, this is Commander Kaidan Alenko. He's Alliance, like us."

She held out her hand. "Pleasure to meet you."

He stared at the lines on her palm, the straightness of her fingers, the long nails. What doctor had long nails? Shepard had never had long nails; she was too busy shoving clips into guns, punching mercs in the face, and running her fingers through his hair in the middle of the-_no, don't go there, not now._

He tried to erase the image of green eyes from his mind, shaking Audrey's hand. "You too. So you're a doctor?"

They talked for hours. She was smart, polite, very interested in politics and technology. At the end of the night, she let him ask her out for drinks in the future, just the two of them. He didn't know if he'd actually do it, but the option was there. She knew he wasn't looking for something serious, telling him as much when he walked her out, but she said she was always in the market for new friends. He couldn't help thinking that Shepard would have disliked her.

Now Kaidan didn't know whether to laugh, cry, or do an insane mixture of both. Shepard was _alive_, she was there, the way he always wanted her to be, the way he never thought she would be again, still beautiful and fierce and _real_. Thinking back now, he could barely remember what had been said on Horizon, trapped in a haze of emotion. There was such joy, burning through him like a star, disbelief, affection, wonder, before there was sadness, anger, suspicion. If there was one thing he'd learned, it was that if something seemed too good to be true, it was.

He still remembered the _Normandy_ exploding, lighting the dark heart of space. He searched, his eyes roving, for Shepard climbing out of the last pod behind Joker, but there was only the pilot, and Joker's eyes were red and he was crying, shaking his head, and Kaidan knew what was being said, and even though he'd known, felt it like something snuffing out inside of him, he hadn't _known_, not really. The first moment he got alone on Earth, he fell to his knees and screamed, some horrible sound belonging to a creature in the furthest corners of space, not him, a guy who had only ever lost control around one person, the one woman he'd planned to spend the rest of his life with, the woman he'd lost. He didn't remember much after that.

He spent every night for the next year and a half lying awake, thinking of Shepard, remembering the planes of her face, the feel of her skin, the sound of her chanting his name like a prayer, a promise. Some things started to blur over time: the precise shade of green in her eyes; the sound of her laugh, but some never would, like the way she would stroke the scar on her lip when she was deep in thought, a habit that had driven him wild, though she never knew it. He wished he had told her, just once.

And then, five months later, the rumors started. "Commander Shepard is alive," people were whispering. "I _saw_ her! Just the other day!" Hope swelled in him, a phoenix rising from the ashes, but all too soon, the hopes were dashed when he remembered: Those people were crazy, because she was dead, she died. As much as he wished for it, he knew people didn't come back from the dead, especially not from a death like hers. It was time to face reality, and stop letting her ghost control him. Enough was enough. So he asked Audrey out for drinks, and at the end of the night, he kissed her.

A month later, Shepard was standing in front of him, looking precisely the same as she had when they first met, except _not_ - there was something different, something besides the scars, something in the cadence of the voice he had once loved to listen to so much. He believed her when she said she had been completely rebuilt, but as much as she claimed to be the same, he knew it wasn't true. She was Shepard but no longer the woman of his dreams. Two years was a very long time, and it had left a horrible taste in his mouth, leaving him to wonder, sick, if he'd ever really known her at all.

Cerberus. _Cerberus_. Of all the people to bring her back, it was them. The horrible irony of it all wasn't lost on him; Kaidan felt certain if there was a god, he was one twisted motherfucker. For them to take her, claim her, make her theirs - it just made him so _angry_.

Kaidan looked around the Starboard Observational Deck, where he was standing, completely alone. She really knew how to hit him where it hurt, he realized. _Just me and my memories, and all that fucking space. _He crossed to the expansive window, looking out over the stars. If he closed his eyes, he could still see the fire, the pods fleeing, her hands clutching him before shoving him away, forcing him to leave her behind-

He hit the glass with one open palm. The sound echoed hollowly. Fury razing his senses, he turned away, facing an array of bookshelves. Marching over, he grabbed books at random and started throwing them, tears blinding him. He hadn't even realized he'd done it, but suddenly one of the shelves was flying across the room, biotically lifted, knocking over others, the books landing askew in all directions. He released the energy as quickly as he'd formed it, but the damage was done. The sudden silence in the aftermath was overwhelming, the only sound his ragged breathing.

Leaning back against the wall, he slid down until he was sitting, his arms resting on his knees. He let his head fall back against the wall, closing his eyes. He brushed the remaining tears off his face, the anger abating as suddenly as it struck him, leaving only a feeling of empty exhaustion, of hollowness.

This was not the way things were supposed to be. They'd always known they might die, but to come back? It was all too much, too soon, each thought reopening the wounds he had once believed were on their way to healing. Now, it was all pain, all over again.

Kaidan opened his eyes, wearily sitting up. He glanced around at all the books everywhere, hardly believing he could have done something like that. His gaze zeroed in on one in particular, with a black cover, no title. It felt familiar, as it should have, since he'd bought it for her. He picked it up, flipping to a random page, reading the lines to himself, hearing it in her voice:

_In you the wars and the flights accumulated_

_From you the wings of song birds rose._

_You swallowed everything, like distance._

_Like the sea, like time. In everything you sank!_

_It was the happy hour of assault and the kiss._

_The hour of spell that blazed like a lighthouse._

_Pilot's dread, fury of a blind driver,_

_turbulent drunkenness of love, in everything you sank._

He fell asleep there on the floor, leaning against the wall, the book in his hand and her voice in his dreams.

* * *

**Poetry is credited to "****_The Song of Despair"_**** by Pablo Neruda.**


	7. Hanging On

_I just can't keep hanging on to you and me_

-Ellie Goulding

* * *

The journey to the Citadel was tense at best, beginning with Shepard yelling at the Illusive Man in the comm room. Joker could hear her all the way up on the bridge, though the only words he caught were "personal life" and a ton of others not fit for repeating. After that, she shut herself up in her cabin, only available through EDI and after she claimed the AI was giving her headache, not at all, her quarters a blackout zone.

In the rare times when Shepard was out of her quarters, she was roaming the hallways, snapping at anyone who got too close. She made sure the ship was running and everyone was doing their jobs, but she nearly reduced Yeoman Chambers to tears with a single look and eventually _did _reduce her to tears with some choice words, so Joker had Garrus calmly request she stay in her quarters until they reached the Citadel. She threw a book at him.

The only time she was guaranteed to stay in her quarters was when Kaidan was out and about. He had given up his consternation about the crew quickly enough when he got too hungry to stick it out, but he didn't speak to anyone except Garrus, Joker, and Dr. Chakwas. Still, the rumors spread like wildfire, until it was all Joker could do to avoid hearing about the best friends who became enemies, and the famous former Alliance hero turned traitor. It was all becoming too much.

Finally, he summoned Garrus to the cockpit. "I need your help. You're the only one who can talk to her."

"Uh, Joker, you _were_ there when she threw that book at me, right? She told me to shut my mandibles, too - very rude."

"Well, get over it. She's got nobody else to talk to, and I'm pretty convinced she thinks I don't take her seriously."

Garrus rolled his eyes. "Wonder where she ever got that idea."

"Shut your mandibles, Vakarian."

"See, that's _exactly_ how she said it! I knew you were listening."

Joker mimed throwing a book at him, and Garrus ducked out of the cockpit, heading for the elevator.

* * *

"Shepard, Garrus is here to see you."

Shepard looked up from her terminal, glaring. "He can announce himself, EDI, and if you don't mind, we'd like some privacy."

"Of course."

The door opened and Garrus poked his head inside, gazing at her warily. "Done playing target practice with my face?"

"I'm sorry," she said quickly, crossing the room. "Come in. I promise not to throw anything else." She reminded herself to arrange her face into a smile, to keep up the pretense that she was fine.

He did as she said, plopping down on one of the couches in the sitting area. "Wow, very nice. The aquarium is an interesting touch," he said, looking around. "Are these the rooms that all four billion credit projects get?"

She narrowed her eyes, sitting across from him. "This four billion credit project is seriously reconsidering that promise right about now."

Garrus laughed. "All right, all right. Look, I wanted to talk to you."

"I kind of figured, since you came all the way up here. What's up?"

"Well, it's the target practice. And the yelling. And the sniffling yeoman I passed on my way here." His face remained passive, but she still felt judged.

"Kelly's very sensitive," Shepard mumbled, looking away. "It's just… I feel like we can't get rid of Kaidan soon enough, you know? I'm all on edge, and as I've been reminded constantly by Joker and EDI, I can't even fire blanks on a ship, so there goes my stress reliever." She blushed slightly. _Well, one of them anyway._

"Didn't you read a lot before, too? I distinctly remember your nose constantly buried in a book."

"Yeah, but all my books are gone. They were in my apartment on the Citadel and my mom cleaned it out. The only ones in the Starboard Observational Deck are boring, or books that I don't want to read because they remind me of…people."

"So which one did you throw at me?"

"A guide to settling the galaxy for new colonists." She shrugged. "I found it on my bedside table."

"Ugh."

"Exactly. So I'm trapped in here with nothing to relieve this tension, and I feel like I'm going crazy!" As if to illustrate her point, she suddenly jumped up and began pacing.

"Well, would you like me to tell you a story?"

Shepard glanced towards him. "What story?"

"Well, it's a memory, really. I was just thinking about it earlier." He settled in, one arm up on the back of the couch. "It's strange going into a suicide mission on a predominantly human ship. Your people don't prepare for high-risk operations the way turians do."

"We do a lot of things differently. For instance…" Her lips twitched. "We can swim."

Garrus sighed dramatically. "Are you ever going to let that go?"

"Probably not. I could teach you someday, if you wanted? No?" When Garrus just shook his head, she rolled her eyes. "Fine. Anyway, how do turian crews prep for high-risk missions?" She kept pacing, but less fervently, interested now.

"With violence, usually. Turian ships have more operational discipline than the Alliance, but fewer personnel restrictions. Our commanders run us tight, and they know we need to blow off steam. It's natural."

Shepard nodded, following along.

"Turian ships have training rooms for exercise, combat sims, even full-contact sparring. Whatever lets people work off stress."

Shepard stopped pacing, peering at Garrus intently. "You mean turian ships have crewmen fighting each other before a mission? Isn't that a bit dangerous?"

"It's supervised, of course. Nobody is going to risk an injury that interferes with the mission. And it's a good way to settle grudges amicably." Garrus smiled, leaning forward, clasping his hands together. "I remember right before one mission, we were about to hit a batarian pirate squad - very risky - and this recon scout and I had been at each other's throats all day. Nerves, mostly. She suggested we settle it in the ring."

"How'd that work out for you?"

"Pretty well. She and I were the top-ranked hand-to-hand specialists on the ship. I had reach but she had flexibility."

There was a joke in there somewhere, but Shepard ignored it. "That is a genius idea!" Now her pacing was excited, as she momentarily stopped paying attention to Garrus and began mumbling to herself, gesturing. "One of those would obviously be preferable, but since we don't - I mean, what could it really hurt?" Finally, she stopped, spinning around. "Garrus, will you fight me?"

"As long as you don't throw bad books in my face."

"No, no, no. Strictly hand-to-hand."

"Wait. Are you serious?"

"Of course! Did you miss the whole 'I'm going crazy' part? Besides, it'll help me calm down. Y'know, less collateral damage and all that."

He thought about it. "Hm. I don't know, Commander…"

"Oh come on, why not? Suicide mission, remember? We may not come back anyway." Suddenly she had an idea. "The least you can do is try to knock me on my ass before I die. Again. I mean, _two_ lifetimes and you still haven't taken me down?"

"_Try_? I don't think so." Garrus took the bait, getting to his feet and pointing at her. "Meet me down in the shuttle bay in twenty minutes."

She nodded. "You're on, Vakarian."

Which is how she found herself twenty minutes later, sizing up Garrus across from her in the ring they'd taped on the floor. Surprisingly, there was an audience: Jack was slouched on a crate, looking bored and haughty; Grunt, the tank-bred krogan, stood nearby looking excited; and Jacob Taylor, former Alliance like both Shepard and Joker, wore an impassive face, arms crossed over his chest. Everyone else gathered was a Cerberus drone that Shepard had yet to learn the names of.

Two of them waved her over to the edge of the ring, a man and a woman. "Commander, I'm Gabby Daniels, and this is Ken Donnelly," the woman said, smiling. "We work down in engineering. We just wanted to wish you good luck!"

"Yeah," Donnelly said, his Scottish accent immediately recognizable. "Not that we don't like him, but kick his ass for us, will ya? We've got credits riding on you."

"Do you? I'm flattered. I'll try and get you your money's worth." Though she wore a smile on the outside, on the inside, she was teeming. Finally, she was going to get a chance to work the adrenaline out of her, to wring out all the confusion and hurt and unrest until there was nothing left but a blissfully empty exhaustion.

She had changed into her usual undergarment, a tank top made of advanced fiber weave. After wrapping her hands, she did some stretches, jumping up and down, looking over at Garrus.

"You ready for this, _Archangel_?"

He held out his arms. "I'm Garrus Vakarian, and this will be my favorite place on the _Normandy_ after I kick Commander Shepard's ass." Several of the people watching laughed, including Jack.

Shepard bared her teeth. "Let's go, then."

They circled each other from the outside, slowly working their way in. They were pretty evenly matched: Just like in his story, Garrus had the reach, but she was quicker than him, dodging and rolling out of the way before he could land a real punch.

She finally got the first hit in, but it glanced off his arm. Still, everyone around cheered. "Come on, Garrus," Jack crowed, standing on her crate to see over the crowd. "Knock her on her ass."

"Yeah, Garrus," Shepard goaded. "Am I too quick for you?"

"No." Before she could move, he reached out, grabbing her arm and yanking her forward into a vicious punch, knocking her down. Some people in the crowd groaned.

Blinking stars out of her eyes, she was back on her feet, snapping with a sharp elbow to his face, knocking him unsteady. Using his unsteadiness, she attacked, striking out at every possible opportunity, driving him back. His parries were excellent, lightning-fast, there to stop every punch she threw at him, but she still had the upper hand. She ignored the crowd encircling them, ignored the rushing in her ears, ignored the pounding of her heart. She just kept going, kept fighting, kept pushing until-

Garrus' curled fist smashed into the side of her head, while he simultaneously kicked her in the back of the knees, sending her flying to the floor, nearly skidding out of the ring. She coughed, rolling over, her ears ringing as the crowd around them cheered loudly. Garrus strutted around where she lay on the ground, his arms up triumphantly. "That's right," he crowed. "What did I say? Did I not tell you that-"

Shepard kicked out, knocking Garrus' feet out from under him. He fell, halfway in, the other half of him outside the taped circle. Shepard clambered to her feet, looking down at him, her hands on her hips. "What was that you were saying, Vakarian?"

"I was just saying that...you win. This time." He was out of breath. "Maybe I should have known better than to go up against you, especially right now."

"Yeah." She tried to catch her breath, holding a hand to her side. "Maybe next time, I'll let you win."

"Next time, you won't have to."

Shepard offered him a hand, helping him up. They shook hands, and as Shepard went back to her side of the ring, she caught a glimpse of Donnelly and Daniels. They were grinning, waving at her excitedly. She waved back, giving them a thumbs up. For one of the first times since she'd been back, she felt like she could breathe a little easier.

"Dammit, Shepard," Jack snarled from beside her. "They tell you they bet on you?"

"Yeah. Why?"

"Because they bet _me_." Disgusted, Jack shoved her way through the crowd, throwing a rude hand gesture into the faces of the engineers.

Shepard rolled her eyes. Catching the towel Jacob threw at her, she wiped the sweat off her face. She almost smiled into the terry cloth, pressing it to her face, taking a deep breath, the fabric pressed to her nose and mouth. From beyond the towel, she heard the crowd slowly began to quiet. Shepard looked up, confused, turning to see what everyone was staring at.

Kaidan was standing in the ring, rolling up the sleeves of the dark grey shirt he was wearing. "Garrus has always gone pretty easy on you. Think you can take me instead?"

The slight relief she'd felt in her muscles vanished, instantly tensing up again, body reacting to him against her will. She looked him up and down, throwing the towel over her shoulder, folding her arms. She forgot the crowd was there, only focusing on him. "You sure you want to tangle with me?"

"Well, I've never been one to hit a girl, but you're the great _Commander Shepard_, so why not?"

"You're right," Shepard said, anger bleeding into her voice. "One dance is just like any other."

Kaidan's face was stony. "Then it shouldn't matter, should it?"

"Fine." Shepard tossed the towel back to Jacob, looking around at the crowd. "Who wants to see Commander Alenko and I go a round?" The shouts were hesitant at first, before growing louder, everyone getting fired up again.

Garrus materialized beside her, grabbing her elbow. "Shepard, what are you doing?"

"He challenged me."

"So? You can always say no."

"Like you said no to me earlier?" When Garrus didn't say anything, Shepard leaned in, lowering her voice. "We need to do this. _I_ need to do this. I thought you, of all people, would understand that."

Garrus looked hesitant, before nodding and letting go of her. "Yeah, I guess I do. Just watch yourself, all right?"

"'Course." Adjusting the tape on her hands, Shepard turned around, glaring at Kaidan. She raised her fists. "So let's do this."

This time, Shepard measured her footsteps, moving slowly, keeping her eyes on him the entire time. Garrus had been something to distract her, a friendly fight just for the sake of letting loose. But this, this was different. This was real.

In arguments, Kaidan was always the one to back off first, recognizing the danger signs when it came to her and leaving her alone to settle down. He was the calm one, something she'd always loved about him; he balanced out her short fuse and helped her keep control in tense situations. This was the first time she'd ever seen him lose his cool, besides Horizon, making her believe that maybe she wasn't the only feeling completely torn inside.

Neither one of them advanced first, waiting for the other to strike. She bounced on the balls of her feet, edging forward every now and again, trying to goad him into lashing out, but that calm demeanor was working for him, and he called her bluff.

She suddenly stopped, lowering her arms. She forgot all about the crowd around them, about the noise pressing in on her ears, focusing instead on him and the way he was looking at her. "Kaidan, you _know_ me. They - well, I don't know the exact science of it all, but they made sure it was me. It cost them a fortune, but it's really me, all of it, and you know I would never betray the Alliance. Everything I've done - Saren, Elysium, even growing up with my parents - it was always for the Alliance."

He kept his hands up, keeping her in his sight. "Yeah? It sure doesn't seem that way."

"They just don't understand, not anymore. Two years ago, we killed Saren, we helped bring down Sovereign. That was one Reaper. Everyone celebrated, and things were fine for a while, but I always knew there would be more. I couldn't take a breath, not when I knew it was always a matter of time before something worse would come. So when I woke up and they were telling me about the Collectors - yeah, maybe they are manipulating me. But the Alliance won't take the necessary steps, and if that means I have to join with a group like Cerberus to help save humanity, then I will."

His eyes narrowed. "Well, I'm _so_ glad you're in the right place now. Really, Shepard, I'm happy for you."

Shepard glared, slowly raising her arms once more, her fingers curled into tight fists. _Then we'll do this, just me and you._

Minutes passed, each of them still refusing to hit the other. The crowd was getting restless, hollering at them to just _do_ something already. Kaidan's eyes never left hers, even as she began to grow more angry, more restive. How could he just ignore everything they'd been through together? How could he just chalk it all up to nothing? She wanted to lash out, wanted to make him hurt like he was doing to her. He was winding her up like a toy, and they both knew it. It just pissed off Shepard even more.

"What's wrong, Kaidan? Afraid to get hurt again?"

His face twisted. "I just don't want to mess with your shiny new _Cerberus_ body."

Finally, she'd had enough. Feinting left, she launched herself forward, throwing her entire body at him with a snarl. He knew how impatient she was and had probably expected her to attack before him, but for her to totally take him down was a shock, and they both rolled, skidding across the floor.

She shot to her knees, on him again in an instant, landing at least one good punch. "It's - still - _me_!"

Kaidan grabbed her wrists, holding her off. "Yeah, says the woman trying to beat the shit out of me!" He swung his leg around, kicking her in the ribs. She flew off of him, sliding back on the floor.

She pulled herself to her feet, advancing again, feinting right, ducking low, dodging and parrying, throwing haymakers as they went at each other more fiercely. "What is your problem?" she gritted out, craning her neck to avoid being hit.

"My _problem_?" Suddenly Kaidan lowered his fists, grabbing her, pulling her into a bear hug, her arms trapped in front of her between them. "_You_ are my problem, Shepard. You just show up and expect everything to be fine again but you're with them and -"

Shepard kneed up, but he twisted at the last second, and she connected with his thigh. Still, he released her, limping backwards. Strands of her hair had fallen from her ponytail, sticking to her damp cheeks. She stared at him across the circle. Everyone was surprisingly quiet now, listening.

Garrus stepped forward. "Shepard, maybe this wasn't such a-"

"No, Garrus." She threw up her arms, rounding on Kaidan. "What do you want me to say, huh? I already apologized for dying, for doing it after _saving you_."

"Yeah, some mercy that was, thanks."

"Are you kidding me? You think I've changed. What about you?"

Kaidan put his fists up. "What about me, _Commander_?"

They met in the middle, clashing fiercely, but she was seeing red, heart ready to burst, anger spurring her on like some sort of demonic entity. Spinning while he regained footing, she sent a roundhouse kick to his head, leveling him. He fell backwards, his body bowing gracefully, seemingly swooping down in slow motion. He lay there for a second, unmoving. The crowd was eerily silent, the only sound moving through them the shocked gasps and murmurs of concern.

The anger receded back down, like the aftermath of a tidal wave, and she realized what she had done. Kaidan was a biotic, he had implants, and his amp; what if she had knocked something loose, or broken them? She ran over, kneeling beside him, trying to block out the whispers rising from the assembled crew.

"Kaidan?" She reached out to touch his shoulder. His hand shot out faster than she could react, grabbing hers and flipping her over him.

She landed on her back, the breath knocked out of her, as he straddled her waist. She struggled beneath him, clawing up at him, fighting even as she tried to draw air into her aching chest. "You…bastard," she choked out.

"Why did you bring me here?" Kaidan demanded, leaning over her, holding her hands tight against his chest. "Why did you do this to me? You are ruining _everything_."

"Oh, you…think so?" Her breath whooshed back into her aching chest. "So what, do you just wish Cerberus hadn't brought me back? You wish I was still dead?"

"Sometimes!" Kaidan shouted, voice echoing. It took him all of one second to realize what he'd just said. He looked around, eyes darting nervously. "I mean, maybe. I don't know, Shepard, okay? I don't know!" He shook his head fervently, letting go of her hands. "This is all just so messed up. I mean, don't you wish-"

She clocked him in the jaw with a right hook before he could finish. He rolled off of her, dazed. She sat up, dragging herself away from him, wanting to be as far from him as she could possibly be. The crowd was roaring again, and the sound was overwhelming, disorienting. Hands were on her, pulling her up, a calm voice talking indistinctly in her ear.

"Garrus," she mumbled, as the turian held her tight, supporting her with one arm. "Garrus, I…I need to go."

"Yeah, come on. Chakwas needs to look at you. Mordin, too, maybe."

"No, I want - I want to be alone. Take Kaidan to Chakwas. I'm going to my cabin."

He still had a hand on her arm, refusing to let her go. "Are you sure?"

She nodded wearily. The crowd was dissipating now, talking excitedly about what they had just witnessed. Jacob had offered the towel to Kaidan once he got back to his feet, but he ignored him, gazing across everyone at Shepard. She stared back, before he shook his head and looked away.

"Yeah. I'll be fine." Watching Garrus go, she limped away, towards the elevator.

She had told Garrus they needed to do it, that the fight needed to happen, and it did, because of everything going on below the surface with her and Kaidan. Kelly often told her that it was healthy for her to talk about her feelings, and Kelly encouraged other members of the crew to visit her, too. But now that Shepard had heard how Kaidan really felt - and possibly broken a rib in the process - all she wondered was why she didn't feel any better.

* * *

"Y'know, when I said talk to her, that wasn't really what I had in mind."

Garrus glanced over at the med bay, at Kaidan getting checked out by Dr. Chakwas, the only other person - besides Joker and himself - that he would let near him.

He sighed. "Yeah. She was rather…insistent."

"Meaning she challenged your manliness, right?"

"Something like that. I tried to intervene when she and Kaidan were about to go, but honestly, she scares the shit out of me."

"Well, you know Shepard: she's a fighter, not a lover. Kind of always has been."

Garrus watched Kaidan, eyeing the bruises on his face, the slump of his shoulders. He remembered very well the haunted look in Shepard's eyes as she had limped away, alone.

"You know, Joker, I'm not so sure if there's a difference between the two."

* * *

Long after everyone else had gone to sleep, Shepard visited Dr. Chakwas and Mordin. Assured that she was fine (besides a bruised rib), she received the usual lectures for her rough "extra-curricular activities" and was given some painkillers to help her sleep. If they took away the dreams, that would be enough.

She stopped by the main battery while she was down there, surprised to see Garrus still awake, calibrating the guns for the _Normandy_. It seemed like he did nothing else these days. _Looks like I'm not the only one who has a weird stress-reliever._

"You're still up, I see."

"Yeah. Thinking, I guess." Garrus turned around, leaning against the console behind him. "What can I do for you, Commander?"

"I was just thinking, too. About that story you told me earlier."

"Oh, yeah?"

"Yeah. How did it end?"

"Oh." The ghost of a smile crossed Garrus' face. "It was brutal. After nine rounds, the judge called it a draw. There was a lot of unhappy betters in the training room."

Shepard thought of Jack and nodded. "Yeah, I suddenly know the feeling. Then what happened?"

"We, ah…held a tie-breaker in her quarters. I had reach, but she had flexibility." There was a definite grin in his voice.

Shepard let those words sink in for a moment, before she stood up straight and flushed. "Oh! _Oh_. I see."

"Yeah." Garrus looked away, shrugging. "More than one way to work off stress, I guess."

Shepard looked towards the doors, imagining the mess area beyond, the observation decks, particularly the starboard deck, where Kaidan was bunking for the night, as he had the night before. She had a sudden flashback, images flurrying through her mind, memories of slick skin and wanting hands. Her face heated even more.

_Stop it. That was a lifetime ago._ Kaidan had made it clear that it was over, and there was nothing she could do about it. They'd reach the Citadel in the morning.

"Yeah," Shepard finally said, clearing her throat. "I guess you're right. But like I said, humans and turians do a lot of things differently."

Garrus didn't dispute her when she turned and left. She popped two of the pills Chakwas had given her on her way up to her cabin, hopeful, but nearly certain that there would be nothing strong enough, in this world or the next, to make her forget what Kaidan had said.


	8. Under The Water

**Thank you all so much for your reviews and follows/faves! I know this seems to be taking a while, but I wanted to establish some background before jumping right into it. Shepard and Kaidan's adventure begins in the next chapter.**

* * *

_Lay my head under the water_

_Lord, I pray for calmer seas_

_And when I wake from this dream, with chains all around me_

_No, I've never been, I've never been free_

-The Pretty Reckless

* * *

Sleep proved to be a difficult endeavor. The pills had the desired effect, taking away the pain, but Shepard couldn't sleep. Her body was exhausted, but her mind was wide awake, excelling into hyper drive, forcing her to lay awake.

And it wasn't just her mind, either. Beneath her blankets, she was too hot, skin boiling. Without them, she was freezing. The ship was too quiet, just as Tali had always complained about in the previous years. Then there were moments where her thoughts, her heartbeat, seemed too loud, deafening in her quarters. Finally, she just decided to get back up and go for a walk…straight to the Port Observation Deck, where the bar was.

Strictly speaking, it was a restricted area, but Shepard was too far past that point to care anymore. It probably wasn't smart to drink with the pills Chakwas had given her, but if it helped her sleep and got her mind to shut down, she was fully prepared to pay the consequences later.

As she poured herself a glass of whiskey, she kept replaying the events of the last couple of weeks. Waking up in that Cerberus lab. Meeting the Illusive Man. Seeing Tali again. Seeing Joker, finding Garrus, Mordin, Jack, talking with Miranda and Jacob and EDI, those two engineers down on the fourth deck, the Collectors, the swarms, Horizon, Kaidan, his face earlier in the ring…

_You wish I was still dead?_

_Sometimes!_

She set the glass down harder than she meant to, biting her lip. More than everything else, what stuck out in her mind was what Joker had asked her when she had returned, the question she hadn't answered, had lied to avoid talking about. It was the answer that kept her up, even now.

Draining her glass and grabbing the bottle instead, she went out to the mess area and rustled around in her locker, until she found a pair of scissors. Going into the women's bathroom, she set the bottle down on the sink and met her own gaze in the reflection. Of all the people she had seen in her life, she was the hardest one to face, that strange, unfamiliar girl in the mirror staring back at her almost accusingly. Shepard grabbed a chunk of her long red hair. It was too thick, too hot at night, and as far as she was concerned, a large part of her current trouble sleeping. She began sawing at it viciously with the scissors. Claret strands drifted down into the sink and onto floor, turning Shepard's vision red.

By the time Joker found her, she was sitting at the table in the mess area, shoulders slumped, a third of the bottle gone. She looked up at the sound of his limping gait, before quickly wiping her face with the back of her hand.

"What are you doing up?" she asked, sipping the bottle.

Joker stared at her, and she knew why. She looked awful. She'd cut her hair back to its pre-death state, chin-length and ragged, uneven in places. Her eyes hurt from being awake, from being unable to cry. Almost unconsciously, her hand tightened around the bottle.

"I thought I heard someone out here. Can I, uh, sit down?"

Shepard nodded. "Want a drink?"

"No thanks, Commander." He eyed her unsurely. "Is something wrong?"

She almost laughed. What _wasn't_ wrong? Instead, she just took another drink.

"Is it Kaidan? Because I'm sure he'll come around, Commander. It's just an adjustment, you know? I'm still not really used to having you around again. It's kind of expected when something this incredible happens."

"Incredible," Shepard repeated. "You think what happened to me was incredible?"

Joker shifted, looking suddenly uncomfortable. "Well, yeah, Commander. You're back, you know? Aren't _you_ glad to be back?"

And there it was, the four billion credit question. That was the last thing she wanted to confess, but with the alcohol sluicing through her blood, she felt the need to at least try, to drag it back up just once more, so that she could stow it away forever, pushing it to the furthest reaches of her mind. Maybe then, she could get some rest.

Shepard took a drink and a deep breath, setting the bottle down, her hand still wrapped around its neck. "After I hit the release for you to go, I got blasted backwards," she said quietly. "I hit the wall, and my suit ruptured: could've been the force from that, could've been a piece of shrapnel, anything. Whatever it was, I was left out in space like that. I remember I couldn't breathe."

Joker stared at her, wide-eyed. He didn't say anything, just let her speak, the memories dredging back up to wash over her anew.

_No air, lungs collapsing. And then, with a great roaring sound, wind tearing at her hair, she dropped onto a soft beach, cooled by the gentle tide and overwhelmed by such lethargy, such warmth. There was no war, no fight, no galaxy to save, just the endless sea, and a feeling of total, all-encompassing peace that she couldn't even make herself move away from where the tide pulled at her, soaking her skin. She closed her eyes, smiling to herself. Everyone was safe back home. They hurt, but no pain was forever. In their own time, they'd heal, and she would make angels in the sand, arms spread wide, fingertips sinking in, the ocean alive beneath her fingernails. Everything would be fine._

"It was like a…waiting area, I guess. I just laid there, and even though I was happy, I still felt sort of expectant, like something was supposed to happen next."

_Rushing, like the waves, but different. There was breath and warmth and a soft light, gold light, swirling in and out, gently pulsing, and she was enveloped, enfolded, caressed._

"I was still me, still Shepard, and I knew it, somehow. But…at the same time, I was a part of something else, something bigger, some sort of entity. And it felt like…" She trailed off, remembering, aching - not physically, but emotionally, spiritually - longing for that place again, that peace. Her eyes fluttered closed.

"Shepard?"

"Completion," she finished, opening her eyes, returning to the world. "It was completion. I was done, it was over, and after everything, I wanted nothing. Do you know what that feels like, Joker? Try to imagine it."

He shook his head. "I can't."

"Exactly. You have no idea what it's like, to be stripped of your physical being, to no longer need a vessel, to be empty and full all at once, to be free, to just _be_. In that place, I felt like I had everything. Everything was fine."

_Until it wasn't. There was a breaking sound, like glass, and the sky above her shattered. Her light dropped away, as she felt herself _ripped_ from the sea of consciousness she had become and thrust back into the cold, into the breathless feeling she'd left behind. In the shiny place, she hadn't known pain, hadn't had a body to feel pain, but suddenly she was back inside one, and it screamed its torment as nerves reacted, neurons firing, cells working like gears to manage her body's functions, all vital tiny pieces of the same puzzle that had been miraculously restored._

"It's not now?" Joker sat up, looking confused.

"At the time, I was fine knowing all of you had gotten away, that all of you were safe. Now…" She looked up, meeting her pilot's eyes. "Do you ever think about the soul, Joker?"

He raised his eyebrows. "That's pretty heavy, Commander. Um, no, I guess I don't, not really."

"You guess? Or you know?"

He smiled ruefully. "I know. I never think about that sort of thing."

"Well, think of it this way: our bodies are like the _Normandy_. They aren't _us_, per se, but they're what we ride around in. Our souls, spirits, whatever you want to call them, they're the core that keeps us running. And when I say running, I don't mean physically, I mean spiritually. With me so far?"

"The ship analogy makes it easier, yeah."

"So we are really just a bundle of consciousness. But what _is_ the soul? How does it grow inside of us? Does it happen while we gestate in the womb? Does it manifest when we take our first breath of life? And where does it go when we die?" Shepard waved off Joker as he opened his mouth to answer. "I'm not religious, you know that, and I'm not trying to spout gospel or anything, but think about it. This is what has been running through my mind ever since I woke up in that Cerberus base."

"What is, Commander?"

"_Where did I go_? The ship I was in just died, but not me, not who _I_ really am, and then suddenly someone got the power back online and I was just magically back in it. Tell me how that makes sense."

"Well, in ship terminology like that, it doesn't. You - or your soul, whatever - would've died, too."

"Exactly. But somehow, I didn't. And I want to know why, how. Miranda told me the Illusive Man wanted me _exactly_ the way I was. You see these scars?" Shepard pointed to her lips, her cheek. "Those are mine. You remember?"

He nodded.

"I still have the tattoo Ashley made me get back on the Citadel, on my birthday. I still have the same _calluses_, Joker. My body is exactly the way it was, just how he wanted it."

"And…what about your soul?"

"Well, it's obviously still me. I mean, I _know_ myself. I still have the memories. I still know you, the old crew. There's an entire life in there, and I know it's mine."

Joker frowned. "But?"

"But…" Shepard took a deep breath. "My spirit was severed. It was torn out of me when I died, and sent somewhere else. That was okay at the time; I liked it there. Then… just when I was starting to adjust, something came along and ripped me out, again, shoving me back inside a vessel that I'm no longer sure fits me, that I don't quite remember all the passwords to. My soul is me, and this body is mine, but it's not the same as it used to be. Whatever's in there now has a different shape, a different fit. I'm still Shepard, always will be, but somewhere in all of that, my soul became…damaged. _I'm_ damaged."

Joker didn't say anything, just stared at her, eyes transfixed, wide, slightly horrified. Finally, the truth was coming out.

"On Horizon, Kaidan saw it. He knew. Death is all over me, like a smell I can't seem to get rid of, whether my heart is beating or not. He could see it, in the scars on my face, in what they _added_ to me, to speed up the process. I'm me, but I'm also not, and he knows that. Maybe he's right about me." Shepard took a deep breath, a pain building in her chest, making it hard for her to breathe steadily. "Last night, we were sparring and he - he said sometimes he wished I was still dead."

Joker made a move to say something, but she shook her head. "No, I mean, he has a point! Wouldn't it be easier? Then we wouldn't even be having this conversation, and I would be back to wherever I was, and Kaidan could move on and nobody would have to feel these things-"

"Shepard, _no_."

"It's just…he isn't the only one who wishes that, Jeff. He's _not the only one._" She raised her head, looking to him for an answer. "So what do you think? What do you make of the great Commander Shepard now, Joker?"

He didn't answer at first. He seemed to be mulling over everything she was saying, staring down at the sticky surface of the table, his mind whirling. When he finally looked up at her, there was something in his eyes she didn't want to see. "I think," Joker said slowly, "that you're just a little tipsy, and-"

"Oh, bullshit!" she snapped. "You know what this is, okay, and you know what? I'll say it plain. No. I am not _happy_ to be back, and I don't think what Cerberus did was a miracle." She stood up, wavering slightly by the edge of the table. "But I'll endure, because that's what I've always done. It's what _we_ always do."

"Shepard-"

She hung her head, hiding behind the hair she had left, the bottle held loosely at her side. She spoke so softly, he almost didn't catch it. "I'm just so _tired_."

_But the kind of sleep I want may never come again._

* * *

Joker stood, rounding the table. He didn't know how to process the information she'd just given him, didn't know where to even begin trying to heal the hurt inside her. What he did know was that it was his responsibility to take care of her, not only as her subordinate, but as her friend. He knew she meant that she was more than tired in the physical sense, but he figured hitting the hay was a good place for her to start.

"Okay, come on, time to grab rack." He wriggled the bottle from Shepard's grip, setting it on the table. Letting her lean on him (but only a little, because dead weight would no doubt break him), he helped her into the elevator and back up to her cabin.

When they made it inside, he noticed the array of objects decorating her shelves, at the picture frame lying on the floor beside the armor console. She stumbled down the stairs wearily, mumbling to herself. He watched her go to make sure she arrived at her destination without falling down, before he looked down at the picture again. Joker stooped, grabbing it, flipping it over. It was blank. He examined the back, pressing the button to restart the image. The screen flickered to life, showing him the precise reason it had been on the floor.

He looked up in time to see Shepard yanking off her shirt. Averting his gaze quickly, he crossed to her desk, and set the picture back up beside her private terminal. He left it on for her.

"Get some sleep, Shepard," he called, not daring to look back. They were friends, but there was a line between them he was unwilling to cross. She murmured her assent, and he left, taking the elevator back down.

_I'm damaged_. How was he supposed to react to something like that? He and Shepard had been through a lot together, had become unlikely friends thrust together by fate and the circumstances of a galaxy on the brink of war, and even though he never imagined it would happen, especially with her being his superior, he had come to care for her. And this sort of thing was the exact reason he had never wanted to care for her, because now he was suddenly standing in an ocean of words, trying to find the right ones to make everything okay again, to make everything the way it was, knowing already that there were no words for him to find. _I gotta do something._

"Mr. Moreau," EDI suddenly said, scaring the bejeezus out of him. "Is Commander Shepard unwell?"

"No," Joker said through clenched teeth, one hand pressed over his heart, as if that would calm the racing. "No, EDI, she's fine."

"Are you certain? Because my scans indicate-"

"She will be _fine_. Do me a favor, and put a lockdown on her cabin, will you? She needs some rest, and she doesn't want to be disturbed." The elevator pinged, and the doors slid open. Joker exited all too happily, though he knew there was no escape from the AI.

He had just grabbed the bottle of whiskey and was heading for the Port Observation Deck when he heard a door swish open. He looked over his shoulder, freezing when he saw Kaidan standing in the corridor, peering at him curiously.

"Joker? What are you doing out here?"

"I, uh…I was just putting this back." He shook the bottle slightly. "What are you doing?"

"I heard voices." Kaidan took two steps forward, frown deepening. "Why do you have a bottle of whiskey?"

_Shit. _"Because I was drinking it?"

"Since when do you drink? I thought there was a pilot oath. I remember when we went to the Citadel, for-" He stopped short. "Well, when we went to the Citadel a few years ago, you wouldn't drink with…us."

"Well, I've had a lot of reasons to break that oath in the last couple of years."

Kaidan nodded. "Yeah, I hear you. But whiskey's pretty hard stuff. There's only a couple of people I know who like it. One of them's me. And ah, this particular brand…" He reached forward, plucking the bottle out of Joker's hand. "Northern Light. I only know of one other person who drinks this whiskey."

"Whiskey is whiskey. What does it matter?"

"And that's how I know you're not a drinker, Joker." Kaidan turned the bottle over his hand, running his thumb over the gold Canadian leaf embossed on the label. He was silent for a long time, lost in thought, before he asked softly, "How is she?"

Joker folded his arms. "What do you care?"

Kaidan sighed, chancing a look up. "She told you what I said, didn't she?"

"Yeah, among a few other things."

"Look, I don't know why I said that, okay? I was just angry and - and confused. My head's not in the right place, not anymore. You know, ever since I met her, she's shaken up my world, but this time, I…I wasn't ready for it. It might've shaken me too much."

"You shouldn't be telling me this, you should be telling _her_."

"I know, I just…" He shook his head. "I don't know anymore, about us, or any of it. Maybe it's better if we just leave it here." Kaidan handed the bottle back to Joker. "Thanks, for looking out for her."

"What, you're just going to give up? I saw you after what happened, man. I know how much this meant to you, how much _she_ meant to you."

"Then you know that sometimes it's not that easy. That sometimes goodbye is the only way."

Joker scowled. "I don't believe that. And I don't think you do, either."

Without waiting for a response, he turned on his heel, entering the lounge and storing the whiskey back in its rightful place behind the bar. When he returned, Kaidan was gone, and the ship had returned to its usual taciturn state.

Except now, Joker was wide awake, mind whirling. Something had to be done, not just for the two of them, but for everyone, while there was still time left to do it.


	9. Jar of Hearts

_I know I can't take one more step towards you_

_'Cause all that's waiting is regret_

_And don't you know I'm not your ghost anymore?_

_You lost the love I loved the most_

-Christina Perri

* * *

The idea came to Joker in the middle of the night. It was wrong, so wrong, enough to earn a court-martial and then eventual probable death, had the two of them still been in the Alliance, but they _weren't_, so the gears began turning away, and once the idea was there, he couldn't quite make it go away.

Technically speaking, it was for the good of the mission. Shepard was a walking time-bomb, unable to focus, and after Horizon, they had downtime anyway, on the hunt for more of the Illusive Man's dossiers. He himself had made some snarky remark about her personal life, as Joker had sort of overheard the day before, and if her personal life_was_ interfering, why not eliminate the problem? Then she could focus appropriately. She could do what needed to be done, slate wiped clean. Sure, it would probably earn him an enemy status among the Alliance for kidnapping an officer, but - and as much as he hated to admit it - what Cerberus was doing was more important.

So the idea of marooning both Shepard and Kaidan on a remote planet was starting to sound better and better with each passing hour that he lay awake.

_How_ he was going to do it, however, was another matter entirely.

His solution appeared at breakfast the next morning - literally.

He was waiting in the short line to get whatever passable portions Rupert, the chef, had made that day, when two engineers he'd seen before joined the line behind him. He couldn't remember their names, glossing over everyone who wasn't part of Shepard's immediate team, but their conversation sparked his interest as soon as they got near enough for him to hear.

"No, no, no." One of the engineers, a pretty brunette, shook her head. "Unshackling a VI doesn't make it an AI. You need a lot of time for that, and quantum computing - a blue box."

"Yeah, I know that," her companion said, a tall redhead with a thick accent. "But if you unshackled a VI and gave it the necessary code and blue box, _could_ it become an AI? Like, if for whatever reason, I wanted to mess with that Shepard VI…"

The woman grabbed the man's arm. "Ken, if you did that, I think she would kill you. As in full-on murder you in your sleep, with a knife. No, not even in your sleep - to your _face_."

"I'm not saying I'm _going_ to do it. I was using that as an example. But if we gave it the education it needed and tweaked its software, could we make another Shepard?"

"No, dummy, because it's not _really_ her."

"How do you know, Gabby? How do we even know this Cerberus version is even really her?"

The woman lowered her voice slightly. "Ken…you don't really think that, do you?"

"No, not really. It's just…what even makes us really _us_?"

"I don't know, I'm just an engineer."

"So am I, every now and again." Ken sighed. "Don't listen to me, Gabs, I'm just ate up today."

"You stayed up late last night playing cards with the turian again, didn't you?"

"He's got a really lousy poker face. And he has some great stories about Shepard."

"Oh, really? Well, maybe next time, you'll actually invite me."

"Yeah, he said - Wait, what?"

There were still three more people ahead of Joker in the line, still time for him to talk. He turned slightly, looking at the two of them. Though he was normally as untrusting of others as possible, he didn't have time to be choosy, not when humanity's hero was in the throes of a breakdown.

"You guys playing for Team Shepard?"

They exchanged a look. "Meaning what, exactly?" the woman asked.

"Meaning I may have a job for you, if you're interested. Shepard - and this entire mission - could literally be at stake. I wish I was kidding, but for once in my life, I'm not."

Ken folded his arms. "We're listening."

"Can't talk here. Meet me in…" Where was somewhere private? Where was somewhere that damned AI wouldn't be listening? "In the shuttle bay, one hour."

"The shuttle bay? But-"

"Do you want to help, or not?"

They didn't question him again.

He didn't think they even realized he was the pilot, but they found out soon enough, when they shuffled into the shuttle bay, looking around unsurely. He ushered them into the shuttle as quickly as he could, closing the doors behind them.

They stared at him uneasily. "Um, what is this-?"

"What are your names?"

"Engineers Kenneth Donnelly and Gabriella Daniels." Daniels peered at him intently. "And you…you're Joker, right? I mean, Lieutenant Moreau?"

"Right, right," Donnelly said, nodding. "You were Shepard's pilot during the Saren business!"

"Yeah. Look, I don't really have time to explain, but this is the only place I could think of to talk where that AI won't hear us. You know that Alliance officer we have onboard?" They nodded. "Well, he and Commander Shepard had a thing of a...romantic nature. Or, they did, before she died."

The two of them gaped.

"Yeah, basically. But now she's all screwed up from him essentially calling her a traitor. I know she's a commander, and she should be able to squash this stuff down or whatever, but I've known her a while, and she always does that; it's not good for her, because eventually she'll explode. You think that fight yesterday was bad? You haven't seen anything."

"With respect, Lieutenant, we were both stationed on the _SSV Perugia_ during the Battle of the Citadel," the woman - Gabby - said. "I think we know what happens when Shepard feels threatened."

"I see. You're both former Alliance?"

"Yep. Donnelly here nearly got himself court-martialed for speaking in Shepard's defense when they did their little cover up routine. Figured it'd be smart to join Cerberus to actually _do_ something, especially when they brought her back." She shrugged. "It doesn't feel great, but if we're helping people, then it's worth it."

"Then you're exactly who I need for this."

"What exactly is the problem here?" Donnelly asked, narrowing his eyes.

"Well, I'm not saying this will be a life or death situation for the two of them, but I honestly don't know if Shepard can do this mission without at least trying to make amends with him. And the only way I see this happening is if we dump them on a planet somewhere and _make_ them deal with their problems."

Both Ken and Gabby were silent, looking at each other, seemingly communicating with eye contact. "So, what you're saying," Donnelly finally said, "is that you want to maroon our commanding officer and an Alliance commander on a planet so they can hash out their sordid love affair and move on with their lives?"

Joker raised his eyebrows. "Well, when you put it like that-"

"I'm not judging you, Joker, just trying to work this through. It sounds to me as if Commander Shepard is emotionally compromised, and you're worried about the effect it will have on all of us. Meaning that if she's compromised and deemed unfit to lead a mission, it stands to reason that your proposal actually makes quite a bit of sense, especially if-"

"What Kenneth is _saying_," Daniels interrupted, "is that we'll do it. Not just for the good of the mission, but for Shepard's sake."

"Yeah," Donnelly said, nodding. "No offense to the commander, but I don't want to die over that guy. He seems nice, when he's not, y'know, calling all of us terrorists and killing us in his mind."

"But how exactly are we going to pull this off?" Daniels asked, biting her lip.

Joker clapped his hands together. "Well, the two of you actually mentioned something earlier, and I have this idea that just might work…"

* * *

By the time Joker took his usual place at the cockpit, Shepard was awake and her body was screaming. She had slept later than usual, she noticed, as she peered blearily at her alarm, only to find it hadn't been set. She rubbed at her crusty eyes, trying to remember what had happened last night. She remembered hunting down some whiskey, and then…nothing, nothing but a flash of Joker's face in her mind. Maybe he would know.

When she roused herself from her bed, wincing and cursing at her sore muscles, she realized her entire cabin had been put on a privacy lockdown, unreachable from the outside by anyone except the AI, until it was lifted. Her lips twisted into some semblance of a smile.

When she was in the shower, she discovered she had cut her hair, something that crawled back into her mind slowly, as she palmed some shampoo into it, trying to get used to the feel of short hair again. As she was getting out, she felt the familiar tug of an FTL jump, signaling that they were hopefully in the Serpent Nebula. Trying not to think of what that meant for her and Kaidan, she got dressed in the casual uniform Cerberus had given her, lacing up her boots.

She was drying her hair when the lockdown suddenly lifted with a _ding _and Joker's voice carried into the room.

"Hey Commander. Sleep well?" He sounded wary, like he wanted to say something else, but wasn't sure if it was wise.

Shepard switched the blow-dryer off, ruffling the ragged cut with her fingers. "Somewhat. Don't remember much of last night, which is usually a pretty good indication I was up to my eye sockets in whiskey. Good to know I can still get drunk, I guess. You cut me off, right? Made me go to bed?"

"Uh, yeah. Wouldn't want you to do something you regret."

"I'm assuming you got EDI to put the lockdown on my cabin?"

"Only so nobody would bother you. I figured you could use the sleep."

"Thanks."

"Yeah, no problem."

"No, really, Joker." Shepard ran a hand through her still-damp hair, letting it fall over her face. "Thank you, for always looking out for me."

There was a brief silence. "'Course," Joker finally said. "It's my job. Speaking of which, though, you're wanted down in engineering."

"Oh?"

"Yeah. Engineer Donnelly made it sound pretty urgent."

"Well, may as well get the day started, I guess. Let me know when we reach the Citadel."

"Will do."

Fastening her pistol to her hip, as was her habit, she left everything else behind and took the elevator down to the fourth deck. It seemed empty without Tali, but Donnelly and Daniels were a nice couple of people, she thought, even if she didn't know them very well. Of course, Jack and Grunt were there too, but you'd never know it from how often they participated in socializing. Not that there was much socializing to be done on a ship traversing all over the galaxy that didn't involve card games or violence. Sometimes they even managed both at the same time.

Donnelly was at his console when she ducked inside, his back to her. "Hey," she said, announcing herself. Donnelly flinched slightly, turning around, standing at attention. "I hear you have a problem down here."

Donnelly looked nervous, eyes roving all around the room. "Oh, it's not so much a problem, Commander, it's a favor. Doctor Chakwas was feeling under the weather today - something must be going around - and I was up there getting Mordin to check me out, and she said she'd given you some pain meds, for your scrapes and bruises?" He was talking so fast, she could barely keep up. He didn't wait for her answer, reaching into his pocket and pulling out a cartridge. "She said she gave you the mild ones and that_these_ will help much better. She asked me to give them to you."

"Oh. Um, okay." Shepard took the cartridge, opening it and shaking several of the pills into her hand. They were blue with a white stripe, unlike the red ones Chakwas had originally given her. For some reason, she thought they looked familiar.

"Yes, she said they were extra-strength and long-lasting, so if you take them now, you should be right as rain for the rest of the day."

Shepard shook them around, trying to think of where she had seen them before. "Pardon my language, Donnelly, but did she say if they would fuck with me?"

Donnelly snapped his fingers. "Ah, that's what I was forgetting! There's no nasty side-effects. They'll actually help you focus. They've got some ingredient in them…can't remember what it's called, Commander, sorry. All that med jargon goes right over my head."

"You and me both. All right, well, if Chakwas thinks it'll help…" She shook all but two back into the cartridge, swallowing them dry. They went down painfully, but if what Donnelly said was true, it wouldn't matter in a few minutes anyway.

As she hadn't eaten yet that day, it didn't even take that long. Her vision suddenly wavered, her fingers tightening on the catridge. She frowned, stumbling slightly, trying to focus, but the room was spinning around her. When she swallowed again, her mouth was dry, and she felt warm, slow. "Donnelly, what…what did you do?" she gasped. The cartridge fell from her hand, breaking open on the floor, pills scattering in all directions.

The last thing she heard was him saying, "It's for your own good" before she crumpled to the floor.

* * *

Kaidan was halfway through a manual describing basic hydroponics when Joker's voice buzzed through.

"Hey, Kaidan. Wait - do I have to call you Commander Alenko now?" He didn't seem to want to mention the previous night. Kaidan didn't want to, either; if Joker was content to leave it alone, then he was fine with that too.

"If I said yes, would you actually do it?"

"Probably not. So Garrus wanted to talk to you, he's down in engineering."

"What's he doing down there?"

"Probably calibrating something. Fourth floor."

Kaidan threw the book down on the chaise lounge he'd been reclining on, standing and stretching. "Hey, will we be at the Citadel soon? Feels like it's taking a while."

"Are you insinuating something about my flying skills? Or worse still, about my ship?" Joker lowered his voice, lovingly cooing, "Don't worry baby, he didn't mean it."

Kaidan rolled his eyes, as Joker cut the link. Poking his head out of the Starboard Observational Deck, he hurried to the elevator. One of the Cerberus operatives was already waiting; he froze, debating if he should turn around and walk back, to wait until the coast was clear. It was too late, however: She turned, glanced at him, and then did a double-take.

"Oh! You're Commander Alenko!"

"Yeah." He eyed her suspiciously, resisting the urge to take a step back. She was much shorter than him, with pale skin and short dark hair. Her big brown eyes blinked up at him innocently, as she bit her lip.

"I have a delivery for you." She rifled around in her pocket. "I was just on my way down to engineering, because Joker said Garrus was looking for you…"

"A delivery? From who?"

"Doctor Chakwas. Aha!" She pulled the cartridge out of her pocket, handing it to him with a smile.

He stared at her hand, refusing to take it just yet. "Why didn't she bring it herself? Or ask me to stop by?"

"She's feeling a little under the weather. Even doctors get sick, you know. Doctor Solus - the salarian, Mordin - he's been tending to her, and he stopped me as I was walking past." The elevator opened, and she stepped inside, still holding the pills out. He had no choice but to follow her. The doors swished shut.

"What are they for?"

"Apparently she told Mordin that they're for your migraines? She said while you were here, if you had any discomfort, these would be perfect for you, and that you can take them when you leave today."

It was almost uncanny. The reason he hadn't been able to sleep the night before was the full-on migraine he'd been in the throes of, no doubt a lingering effect of his brawl with Shepard. He'd barely gotten any sleep, and was still feeling mild pain even now. He was grateful that Chakwas had remembered his particular problem with his implants, and even more so that she was thinking of him. He made a mental note to thank her - and Joker - later.

The woman smiled again, more shyly this time. "If I may say so, Commander, I think it's very interesting that you have L2 implants."

"Chakwas said that, huh?"

"She told Mordin. He said something about wanting to scan your brain for activity - he seemed pretty excited about you having the L2's and no brain damage, but she said no, of course. It's nothing to be ashamed of. You're gifted."

Someone else had told him something similar once, both awestruck and curious about what he could do. They'd spent many a night laying awake, discussing his limits, with her even offering to help him train, help him test. And then there were the other times, when he felt like his head was splitting open, and she would be there for him, soft and quiet, the two of them curled around each other in the dark, her whispering stories until he fell asleep. Those were the most painful moments, but the best ones. It seemed those two qualities always went hand in hand with Shepard.

Swallowing hard, Kaidan snatched the cartridge from the woman's hand. "Take two?" he asked.

"Yes. They're just strong painkillers, without any of the nasty side effects."

Kaidan nodded, not really listening, only concerned with his head and his hope that maybe they'd be strong enough to eliminate what he was feeling in his heart. He palmed two of them, throwing them back and swallowing. By now, he was a pro, and they went down easy.

Until the vertigo hit, and he slumped sideways against the wall. His limbs no longer seemed to be his own. "What the…" was all he managed, before he crashed to the floor.

* * *

"Mr. Moreau, I believe there may be a problem down in engineering. I will check for you, if you'd like-"

"No," Joker said sharply, frowning at the blue sphere to his left. "Actually, I need you to do me a favor."

"How may I help?"

"Up here, in the cockpit. Do my controls seem laggy to you? Kind of sticky?"

There was a beat of silence, the sphere fluctuating its brightness. "Systems do seem to have slowed, perhaps as an effect of tampering or faulty equipment. I can run diagnostics, if you'd like?"

"Yes, do that. _Every_ system up here on the bridge, if you don't mind. See what the problem is, and give me a detailed list of _every_ way we can fix it. Run some numbers, too."

"Numbers of what?"

"Of processes. See how much we're averaging each day. It might be too much."

"The _Normandy SR-2_ is built to handle many processes, Mr. Moreau. In fact, it-"

"Regardless, I'd like to know. I am the pilot, and it's my job to keep track of this sort of information. You're always complaining how I'm not up to standards, how I'm constantly cutting corners and _falsifying maintenance reports_, so I'm trying to be more responsible."

"That action is commendable; however-"

"Do you want to get Commander Shepard in on this? Because I'll link her right now. Here I go." He pushed the button to the comm in Shepard's cabin. _This had better work._"Commander?"

In a bubbly voice full of bravado, the response came. "Commander Shepard, Alliance Navy!"

Joker suppressed a wince. "Yeah, we know. So I proposed to EDI that she run systems diagnostics on everything up here in the bridge and also crunch some numbers on our processes. That sound adequate?"

"There's nothing in this galaxy we can't beat if we all work together!"

Joker killed the link as quickly as possible. "See? She's encouraging us to work together. So how about you start running those diagnostics?"

"Of course. I do, however, have a query, Mr. Moreau."

"What's up?"

"If we are intending to take Staff Commander Alenko to the Citadel, why have we jumped to Pragia?"

* * *

The elevator dinged open. Daniels stared out in horror at Donnelly standing in the corridor, an unconscious woman draped over his shoulder. "He took them _now_," she whispered, pointing at Kaidan furiously. "Put her down, I can't lift him out of here!"

The doors started to close. She threw out her arm, holding them open, as Donnelly set Shepard back down as carefully as he could, before running over.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck," he muttered, practically singing, as he grabbed Kaidan's arms and dragged him from the elevator.

Daniels jumped out after him, biting her lip and pacing. "Oh man, oh man, I can't believe we're doing this. We have to be out of our minds. Why did we let Joker convince us to do this?"

"Gabby, calm down. Grab Shepard, will you?"

"Are you kidding me? She's got like twice my muscle mass; I'll collapse!"

"Then drag her!"

"_Drag_ Commander Shepard?" Daniels squeaked. "I can't drag her across the floor, she's my commanding officer! Oh my god, we _drugged our commanding officer!_"

Donnelly stepped over Kaidan, grabbing Daniels' arms and shaking her slightly. "Gabby, get a hold of yourself! This is for the good of the mission, remember? Come on, deep breaths in and out. We're doing this to help Shepard. She'll thank us later when we defeat the Collectors. All right?"

Daniels did as he said, taking deep breaths in through her nose and out her mouth. Finally, she nodded. "Okay, yeah. It's for Shepard, and the mission. Shepard and the mission."

"We've got to hurry, while Joker's distracting EDI."

Together, the two of them began dragging Kaidan and Shepard towards the starboard cargo area, to get down to the hangar. As they were nearing the doors, there was a_whoosh_ing sound from behind them, and the sound of heavy boots on the metal floor.

"What the _fuck_?"

Jack was standing in the hallway, staring at the two of them. The look on her face was a mixture of her usual annoyance combined with shock and amusement. Suddenly, she barked out a short laugh, pointing at Shepard's limp body on the floor.

"Are they drunk?"

"Erm, no?" Donnelly looked to Daniels, their faces mirroring panic. "Look, Jack, we're kind of in the middle of something, so if you could-"

"Wait a minute. Did you _drug_ them? Is that what you're doing?" The amusement was gone, replaced by anger. "If you fucking killed Shepard, I am going to tear-"

"Why would we kill Shepard? We're trying to help her!"

"By drugging her?" Jack rolled her eyes. "Typical fucking Cerberus. But what are you doing with her? And that Alliance guy, whatshisname?" Her eyes suddenly widened. "Wait a minute, that's the guy she was fucking! You could see it all over his face. It was so funny, he was all, _'Shepard, you betrayed the Alliance, you betrayed me, I loved you, wah wah wah'_." She snorted, shaking her head.

Donnelly and Daniels just stared at her.

"What?" She made a face. "Oh, fuck off, that _was_ funny. Now where are you taking them?"

"We're dumping them on this jungle planet in the shuttle so they can work out their problems and Shepard can get herself focused again so we don't all die when we go through the Omega-4 relay," Donnelly said in one breath, gasping by the end of it.

Jack laughed again, until she realized he wasn't kidding. She sobered up immediately, taking a step forward. "Wait. Seriously?"

"We need her to have her head in the game," Daniels said.

"No, no, I don't care about that. A jungle planet? What jungle planet?"

"Um. Pragia, I think it's called."

Jack swore long and loudly, her voice bouncing around in the hallway, echoing. She suddenly laughed darkly, muttering to herself, pacing back and forth like a caged tiger. She spun on one heel, pointing at the two of them, eyes crazed.

"I want to help you."

Donnelly looked even more frightened, if that was at all possible. "Since when?"

She turned her gaze on him. "Since now, motherfucker. Let's go." She hoisted up Shepard's legs, helping Daniels carry Shepard down the stairs and into the open shuttle.

Their shuttle pilot, Damien, was waiting for them, smoking a cigarette. He hastily put it out when they arrived, throwing the butt back behind some crates. Slipping his hat on, he jumped into the pilot's seat as they arranged Kaidan and Shepard in the back, spread out on the seats.

"Remember your instructions," Daniels said. "Just dump them and come back. We can't have them hijacking it and coming back before they've talked everything out."

"And I thought Shepard sounded like a pussy," Jack said, snorting. She plopped down beside Shepard, putting her boots up. "But don't worry. If he forgets, I'll remind him."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean I'm going with them. And before you say anything, I'll leave them to their thing. I don't give a shit about their problems."

"Then why are you going?"

"I have business on Pragia," Jack said, grinning savagely. "And it's going to be _explosive_."

* * *

The wind blew on the rooftop, her hair in her face. Through the strands, she could see the gift in her hand, the little box wrapped in red paper. The sky was purple, music playing in the distance, but all she could focus on was the box in her hands, the person standing in front of her, the form blurred. She was smiling.

_"For me?"_

Shepard woke to thunder rumbling across the sky. Her head was heavy and thick, weighing on her neck like a swollen planet. Her eyes didn't want to open, and her mouth was dry, so painfully dry.

There was a noise behind her, a grumble. Something touched her arm.

"Shepard…"

Something slid across her wrist, smooth and wet. She nestled down deeper into her burrow, the smell of rain making her dizzy behind closed eyes. Thunder rolled again, closer this time.

"Shepard, get up."

That voice. She knew that voice. But that voice was pain, that voice was misery. She didn't want to talk to that voice.

She tried to turn over, pulling away, but something closed around her wrist, tightening, squeezing. She gasped, eyes fluttering open in time to see Kaidan beside her, grabbing his pistol and aiming at her arm. She opened her mouth to scream, flinching away, when he fired twice, the sound shattering her dream world and anchoring her to reality. Whatever held her arm retreated, slithering back into the undergrowth.

Shepard scuttled away, afraid to even ask what it might have been. She sat up too quickly, and the blood rushed from her head, pounding throughout her body. She closed her eyes again, one hand to her temple, before she turned to the side and retched. She heard Kaidan clip his gun back at his hip, before standing, booted feet crunching on leaves.

She opened her eyes to a vast sea of green. Plants snaked and draped over every surface, tumbling over the ground in thick roots, vines hanging from branches, ferns and bushes sprouting up over and around each other, brightly colored flowers in hues of pink and yellow as big as her aquarium with spiny petals and thick pollen, wide trees standing tall, nearly blocking out the storm clouds overhead. Through it all was the clicking, whirring, buzzing sound of insects, the wail of a distant bird, and the humid air, practically choking her with the scent of a storm.

Kaidan was standing beside her, hands on his hips, face unreadable. Wiping her mouth on her sleeve, she shakily pulled herself up on a low-hanging branch, digging in her fingernails when her legs trembled too much to stand on her own. A bolt of lightning shot through her ankle and she clenched her teeth, swallowing back a scream.

"What the fuck is this?" she managed, looking around. "Where are we?"

"I have no clue. I just woke up. And my head…" Kaidan winced. "I don't know. Everything hurts."

"Yeah, I feel that. Are you all right? Implants fine?"

Kaidan nodded. "Yeah, just aches and pains. You?"

She tested her ankle for weight, emitting a strangled yelp when her vision blurred. "I think I have a sprain, maybe a fracture. I…I'm not really sure." Suddenly, she realized they were _talking_, having an actual conversation without yelling at each other. She wondered how long it would last. "What happened?"

Kaidan turned around, frowning. "I don't know, I just…" He stopped short when he saw her face. "There are stars on your face."

Shepard's brow furrowed. "Run that by me again?"

"Stars, drawn on your face, three of them." He pointed, tracing them in the air with his fingers.

She reached up, touching her temple. "There?"

He nodded. "Shepard, what the fuck? Why…why can't I remember what happened?" He squeezed his eyes shut tight, clutching the sides of his head. "What is happening?"

"Calm down, Kaidan. Let's just think this thing through. _How_ did we get here?" She scowled, thinking back as far and as hard as she could. She saw a golden light, a beam, felt the deep silence of space seep into her bones. Her eyes snapped shut. _No, not that far. Focus._

"What, you don't know?"

Shepard opened her eyes. "What are you talking about? Obviously I'm just as clueless as you are."

"Are you? Because this is the last thing I expected to happen to me, with the last person I expected it to happen with, and yet, both _actually happened_. And you're telling me you don't have a single clue as to how?" His voice was shaking, but not weakly, like her entire body was.

_So much for the talking_. "You're angry."

"Of course I'm angry!" Kaidan exploded, throwing his arms up. The sound startled some birds nearby, and they crashed up through the trees in fright. "We don't even know what planet we're on, much less what system we're in-"

Shepard glared at him. "Will you keep your voice down? As you said, we have no idea where we are, and whether or not this planet is friendly or hostile. Just…remain calm."

"Remain calm? Oh, that's great advice. Cerberus kidnaps me and dumps me on some God forsaken planet, and Commander Shepard's saintly advice is to _remain calm_."

"Kaidan, just take a deep breath. The objective here is to not panic. Now be quiet for a minute, and let me think." Shepard pressed against the tree, digging into her mind.

She had no idea what time it was, but if she had to guess by the lighting and the feel to the air, it was late afternoon. She'd woken that morning on the Normandy. She'd been hungover. She'd showered, dressed, talked to Joker…_talked to Joker_. She reached up for her earpiece, relieved she had thought to put it in before she left.

"This is Commander Shepard, come in _SSV Normandy_. Joker, do you read me?" There was only static. "I repeat, come in _SSV Normandy_. Is anybody there?"

Nothing. She punched the tree, wincing at the scrape of bark over her knuckles. Just mustering simple thoughts was an arduous effort, a cloud of mist thickening in her mind. She closed her eyes again, taking deep calming breaths, backtracking. That morning. She'd talked to Joker. They had talked about her drinking, and then - _Donnelly. _He had been talking a mile a minute, obviously nervous, when…

Shepard looked down at her knuckles, scraped raw by the tree, already bruised. The sparring. The _pills_. She suddenly remembered where she had seen them before; she gasped.

"What?"

She quickly filled him in, on Joker, on Donnelly, on everything. "I didn't remember it at the time, but those pills were heavy sleeping aids, I used to give them to Tali when she first joined us on the old _Normandy_ and she couldn't sleep." Shepard clapped her hands together, swearing. "Joker must have been in on it! He was the one telling us where to go. How else would they have known about your migraines?" When Kaidan was silent, she rolled her eyes. "It's not like I stay up late down in the sub-deck telling all my Cerberus cronies stories about you just to spite you. Joker - and Chakwas- know both of us. Damn it, I bet this was all a set-up!"

Kaidan stayed quiet for a very long time. The sky darkened even more, the humidity making it hard to breathe. Shepard couldn't believe her own crew would maroon her on an unidentifiable planet, and with _him_, no less. Not only that, but communications were down, they had no armor, and the only weapon each of them had was a standard-issue pistol with limited heat sinks. This was becoming a nightmare.

"Well?" she finally prompted. "Say something!"

"I'm thinking."

"Thinking what?"

"How convenient all of this is."

Shepard froze, fingers tightening around the branch. "What do you mean?"

"Well that _would_ be the logical conclusion, wouldn't it? It's very easy to say Joker was the one who orchestrated this whole thing. But why don't I remember anything? Why just you?"

"Maybe the pills messed with your implants."

"I don't think that's how it works."

"So what are you saying? That you think _I_ organized this entire thing?"

"Well, why would Joker jeopardize your mission?"

"Maybe because he's our friend, Kaidan, and he cares about us." Shepard glared at him over her shoulder. "Do you know how he spent the last two years? Do you even _care_?"

For the first time, she finally saw the real Kaidan, the one she had known several years ago, the one who still loved her, as his expression softened, his eyes holding guilt. "Of course I do, but that wasn't my fault! After what happened to you, the Alliance sealed off everything. I tried to find out where Jeff was, but it was damn near impossible. He just seemed to vanish."

"Yeah, the Alliance is good at making people do that."

Kaidan narrowed his eyes. "And what is _that_ supposed to mean?"

Shepard looked away, taking a deep breath. "All I'm saying is-"

"Yeah, you say a lot of things, Shepard. Some of them, I'm not sure if I believe."

She stopped, staring at him. Thunder crashed directly above them, the sky lit briefly in the glow of lightning. "So that's the alternative? I'm just lying about all of this?"

"Try and see it from my point of view. How can I trust you? You're working for-"

"Will you quit harping on about Cerberus?"

"No!"

Shepard turned, taking a couple of experimental limps forward. She still felt weak, but she could stand and move without falling or throwing up as long as she didn't put weight on her ankle, so she considered that a victory.

"Kaidan, what can I say to make you believe that I don't trust them? Because I don't. I'm just working alongside them to _save_ _people_. It's the only thing I know how to do, and the Alliance just doesn't fucking get it."

"But how do you _know_? They could be controlling you right now and you would never know!"

"They are not controlling me!" Shepard yelled, forgetting about being quiet, forgetting about everything but the anger, the fierce desire to hit him until he gave in, until he believed that she wasn't some Cerberus lackey. "I am still me, damn it!"

"I can't take that chance. It was fine when I thought you were going to leave me on the Citadel, but now…" Kaidan shook his head. "I can't do this, not anymore."

Shepard laughed without meaning to, the sound a panicked reaction, bubbling up her throat. "You're joking."

He pried his pistol off his hip, checking the trigger, and deliberately looking away from her.

"So what? You're just going to leave?" She hated the way her voice was breaking, hated the way he wouldn't even look her in the eyes. She tried to take a deep breath, but it halted, half-formed, cold in her chest. "Where are you going to go?"

Kaidan rounded on her, shouting, "Does it matter? What do you want me to do?"

"See reason! See that I'm not what you think I am!"

His jaw tightened.

She let her arms fall limply to her sides. "God, Kaidan, you are so fucking stupid sometimes, I swear. We don't know where we are. We need to stick together." _Don't leave._

"I wish I agreed with you."

"Kaidan—"

"Goodbye, Shepard." He turned.

"Fine, then," Shepard yelled, wiping under her eyes. "That's fine. Go, I don't care! Good fucking luck making it out there alone!"

He didn't say anything, didn't look back, just tromped off into the undergrowth, ducking under some fronds. She watched him disappear into the trees, enshrouded by the darkness beyond. She didn't know for how long, but she stood there, waiting for him to return, until her arms were numb and her legs were throbbing. He would come back; he had to. He always came back.

The thunder was closer.

Gingerly, she sat down among the leaves and roots, determined to wait for him to return, to declare that he just couldn't leave her, not again, not after everything, but the sky just grew darker, the minutes dragging on, until it finally hit her that he wasn't coming back, not this time.

She dropped her head against her knees, closing her eyes, inhaling the scent of rain thick into her nose. This wasn't the way things were supposed to go. When she was a kid, she had imagined falling in love over and over, but she had never imagined he would leave her – or that she would die before their relationship could culminate beyond a one night stand full of whispered oaths against her skin. She had never guessed her heart could be such a cruel weapon, unlike any of the ones she wielded in her hands.

And worst of all, she still loved him.

Shepard stood up shakily, leaning on her right ankle, wiping her nose on the back of one hand. Taking as steady a breath as she could manage, she eyed the direction he'd gone in. He couldn't be that much ahead of her, not in such dense foliage as the jungle surrounding them. She couldn't just leave him alone out there, regardless of what had happened between them and what he felt. Even if he wasn't coming back to her, she would find him.

She had only taken two steps when in the distance, there was a shout.

Shepard looked up, eyes wide, straining to hear. "Kaidan?"

Nothing.

She cupped her hands around her mouth. "Kaidan!"

The entire sky lit, alive with lightning. There was a monumental crash of thunder nearby that shook the ground beneath her feet, before a slight pause – like the atmosphere was heaving a giant breath, preparing for the plunge – when she heard it again, a strangled yelp filtering through the trees.

She started running at the same moment that the rain began to fall.


	10. Stars

**Sorry for the wait, with computer troubles and finals week, it's been a bit hectic. Thanks so much for all the follows and reviews, though!**

* * *

_And I've been saying that you_

_You're always holding onto stars_

_I think they're better than afar_

'c_ause no one is going to save us_

-Fun.

* * *

Joker couldn't remember the last time he'd had so many people in his cockpit, probably because he'd _never_ had that many people in his cockpit before, each one of them yelling, talking over each other, clamoring for his attention.

"EDI, five hostiles have entered my space, can we neutralize them?"

"As they are vital to the mission involving entering the Omega-4 relay and stopping the Collectors... no."

Joker sighed. He spun around in his chair, glaring at everybody there. Miranda was at the forefront of the angry mob, her hands on her hips; behind her stood Garrus, Mordin, Doctor Chakwas, and Jacob.

Naturally, Miranda spoke first. "Joker, what the hell is going on?"

"What do you mean?"

"Shepard's gone."

He made a skeptical face, waving a hand at her. "She is not. Where would she go? She's in her cabin, doing…Shepard things."

"No, she isn't. And you know, I would really appreciate less sarcasm from you right now."

_Fat chance of that happening._ "I'm telling you, Shepard is in her quarters. Or she was, at least, the last time I talked to her. Have you thought maybe-"

"EDI," Miranda snapped, looking at the blue sphere to Jeff's right.

"Despite Mr. Moreau's claims, I have scanned Shepard's cabin and found no signs of organic life present. Whatever has been speaking to you, affirming the impression that it is Shepard, is not human. It is-"

"A VI," Miranda finished, looking back at Joker almost smugly. "Tell me, didn't Engineer Kenneth Donnelly bring an illegal Shepard VI aboard?"

"How should I know? I hardly ever leave this room."

"Look, Joker," Garrus suddenly spoke up from behind her. "We know Shepard is gone. We just want to know where and why."

Joker spun his chair back and forth, eyes on the ground. It shouldn't matter if he told them. In fact, it _didn't _matter. What he, Donnelly, and Daniels had done was done, and there was no higher up - not even the Illusive Man - for him to be afraid of, not anymore. It was for everyone's sanity, for everyone's sake, and he was tired of being sorry.

He sighed, looking up. "Pragia. I remember Shepard mentioning she needed to go there, but not why. Damien dropped her and Kaidan off so the two of them could work out what was going on between them. And before you get all snotty on me," Joker said, pointing at Miranda, who looked on the verge of exploding, "I did it for the good of the mission."

"But of all the-"

Jacob reached out a hand, touching Miranda's shoulder. "Nobody on this ship can deny she's been emotionally compromised." When Miranda looked ready to burst again, he shook his head. "You didn't see her last night in the shuttle bay."

"Probably because I am the only one focused on this mission and doing my job," she replied, teeth clenched.

"Yeah, maybe you are," Joker spoke up, Garrus looking at him with surprise. "And that's why I did it. _Nobody_ is focusing, not on this mission or anything else vital to this fight we have ahead of us. Since you people brought her back-"

"Has it escaped your notice that you're Cerberus, too?" Miranda snapped.

"Oh, bite me. Ever since _you_ people brought her back, she doesn't know up from down, and every conversation ends up being about Shepard, about what she's feeling, how she's doing, when it's clear that she's barely hanging on by a finger. And then of course Kaidan shows up, and it's like just when she was starting to be okay again, he knocks her off course."

"Which is why he shouldn't have even been allowed onboard."

"Not your call, Miranda," Garrus said. "And I think Joker has a point here."

"What, Shepard's heartbroken so it was _right_ to dump her down on Pragia?"

Garrus shook his head. "It's not even about Kaidan, not really. Everything had just been building to this point, and I honestly think she would have broken down anyway, even without him around. Like Jacob said, you didn't see her last night. She's an animal. Yeah, you brought Shepard back, but you brought something back with her, something that wasn't there before. Yeah, she's always been a hell of a thing when it comes to fighting, but she's always been controlled about it; she's always had a _grace_. There was nothing graceful about her last night." He looked around at everyone, half-shrugging. "She's different, whether anyone wants to admit it or not."

"Structurally, Shepard is sound, Garrus. There is no malfunctioning, even of her biomechanics," EDI said.

"Yes, she's the picture of health," Chakwas said dryly. "Except for everywhere it counts."

"Actually, even scientifically speaking, different," Mordin piped up. "Biomechanics take toll on many patients. Not real issue, however. Real issue is Shepard's soul."

Miranda looked around at the salarian doctor in disbelief. "Excuse me?"

"Sense your skepticism, Miranda, and once might have agreed with it, but Doctor Chakwas and I have spoken. Have come to conclusion that wholeness is not simply physical but also mental, spiritual. Need all three." Mordin looked around at everyone, black eyes blinking slowly. "Damaged. Have had several patients code, come back after resuscitation, after several minutes. Different, like you said, Garrus. Not just physically, though yes, some changes. Cells die without oxygen, systems take strain, but all those repairable in time. Strain to soul, however, much more detrimental. Much harder to fix."

"What exactly are you saying?"

Joker scowled. "He's saying something is very wrong with her, and it started with what _you_ did!"

Miranda cocked an eyebrow. "Are you saying you'd rather we hadn't brought her back?"

"No, of course not! But what you did…" Joker shook his head, not even finishing the sentence.

Chakwas nodded. "It's against the laws of nature. Once something is dead, its brain and heart stop. Systems fail, and the soul vanishes; to where, none but the dead can tell. What makes a person who they are leaves them, and what is left is simply a body that no longer functions. The life has gone from it, in its entirety."

Joker looked at Miranda. "Sometimes what's dead was that way for a reason. Maybe some things in this universe should just stay dead."

"Even if I believed all of this - which I don't - then in what universe did it make sense for you to drop her off on some forsaken planet where she could get killed?"

Joker strongly resisted the urge to roll his eyes; so strongly, in fact, that he was starting to think he might have just burst a blood vessel in his brain. "That just shows me how well you _don't_ know Shepard. This is the woman who held off ten thousand batarian slavers almost single-handedly. She'll be fine. Besides, Kaidan is with her."

"And Jack," Garrus added.

Joker stopped spinning. "What?"

"Yeah, Jack's gone too. Her blood work came back and Mordin wanted to give her the results, but she wasn't responding. He asked for my help finding her. We looked everywhere." Garrus shrugged. "Unless she decided to take a nap in one of the air ducts, she's nowhere on this ship."

Joker frowned. "Did you ask Damien?"

Everyone was silent, staring at him. For a second, he was almost convinced he hadn't spoken aloud, or if he had, he'd done it in another language. He was about to repeat himself, wondering if it _was_ possible he'd spoken in another language and if so, he was curious as to which language it was, when they finally began to stir, shuffling their feet and exchanging looks. That seemed even worse than the sudden idea he might no longer speak a common language they could all understand.

"Damien hasn't come back yet," Jacob said, the unwilling volunteer of information. "The shuttle's still gone."

A chill crawled up Joker's spine. That wasn't what was supposed to happen. The plan was for Damien to drop them off and come back, so they couldn't return before their problems were sufficiently talked out. And if Jack had gone too… Suddenly, all of this seemed very, very bad. _And it's looking like it's my fault. Great. _

"Has anyone tried reaching the shuttle?"

"I will attempt it now." EDI's sphere hummed, before glowing a moment later. "The only response I receive is static. It appears the shuttle is offline."

"Meaning what?" Garrus took a step forward, standing beside Miranda. "It crashed?"

Jacob held his hands up. "Well, we shouldn't jump to conclusions-"

"That is the logical explanation."

A weighty silence followed EDI's news. Joker was about to try and contact the shuttle himself, even knowing it wouldn't do any good, just to do _something_, when it hit him.

"Her comm link. Try directly contacting Shepard."

"One moment."

"Let's hope she actually took it with her," Miranda muttered, folding her arms over her chest.

EDI pulsed brightly. "I have reached her, though the signal is very weak."

Garrus looked relieved, as Chakwas audibly sighed. Miranda, however, looked furious anew, like she couldn't wait to start yelling at Shepard to let her know precisely how much she didn't like the situation. Joker had a feeling that if it came to that, Miranda wouldn't be the only one yelling; Shepard had always been good at giving as well as she got.

Miranda stepped forward, towards EDI, leaning against the console to Joker's left. "Shepard, do you read me?"

There was static, but underneath it, some garbled words. Everyone leaned forward to hear.

"You're cutting out, Shepard. Do you copy?"

Suddenly, there was a crash, the sound of something enormous falling over, followed undeniably by a scream – and then static.

There was a split-second of pause, where what they had just heard seemed to sink in to everyone's mind, registering in their brain's as _bad bad bad_, before the cockpit was in a sudden uproar, everyone talking and yelling all at once, just like when they had arrived.

Garrus lunged forward. "EDI, get the signal back."

"Her comm link is not responding. I will run a diagnostic on our communications and see if there is anything I can do to repair it." Her sphere hummed.

Meanwhile, Garrus turned on Joker. "I backed you up, but if anything happens to her or Kaidan, I am going to choke you until—"

"Forget him," Miranda snapped, looking between the two of them. "What about the Illusive Man?"

"Nobody gives a rat's ass about the Illusive Man," Joker fired back.

"Oh, right, only about half the people on this ship." Miranda rolled her eyes. "What is it with you Alliance types? You're all so thick-headed."

"We get the job done," Jacob said, glaring.

"Do you? Or do you just maroon your commanding officers on a remote planet and _hope_ they make it out alive? Stupid!" Miranda slammed her fist down against the console. "You were stupid and reckless, Joker, and believe you me, the Illusive Man is going to hear all about this little stunt—"

"Who cares? The important thing is bringing Shepard back," Garrus said, looking agitated. "We need to send someone after her."

"I agree," said Miranda. "We need Shepard here; otherwise, this entire operation has been for nothing."

"Can't," Mordin piped up. "Shuttle gone. No other means of transportation."

A sudden silence descended over the cockpit. Everybody peered around at each other, their looks turning from anger to trepidation. Joker drummed his fingers against the arm of his chair, but on the inside, he was shaking; had he just done something colossally stupid under the impression that he was right? He had never imagined there might be danger. Trouble, sure, maybe an explosion or two, because that was what happened when Shepard was involved, but never outright, life-threatening danger. It was _Shepard_. She was practically a one-woman army. She had gone to hell and back, returning from the dead, just to complete her mission. But what if this time was for real?

"So Shepard is stuck there," Dr. Chakwas finally said. "She's stuck there with a possibly damaged shuttle and, unless Damien is safe and sound, no one to repair it."

More silence, until EDI pulsed. "Mr. Moreau, I am currently upgrading the communications drives. It will take time, but when it is finished, the range of the _Normandy_'s communications will be broader, and we should be able to reach Shepard, provided her comm link has not been damaged." She paused. "While we are waiting, would you like me to scan Pragia?"

Slowly, Joker nodded. "Yeah, EDI, that would be great. Look for any signs of settlements or buildings in particular, and maybe hone in on the shuttle's beacon, if you can."

"It will take me a few moments."

"Yeah. Uh… Thanks, EDI."

"Of course, Mr. Moreau."

Miranda leaned in close to Joker. "Let me know the _minute_ you know something." She stalked away, Jacob several seconds behind her. Mordin, too, mumbled something about research and scurried back off to the lab, leaving only the people who had known Shepard longest and best. Neither Garrus nor Doctor Chakwas said a word. They simply leaned or sat down and prepared to wait, a silent vigil at Joker's side for the commander that might not-

_No._

She had to be alive. She had to be.

* * *

Shepard felt like a lumbering fool, crashing through the undergrowth like some sort of beast. She had fully intended to run to Kaidan, but that was starting to seem impossible: She tripped over roots that threatened to injure her other ankle, and was smacked in the face repeatedly by leaves and branches, her hair tangling on rough bark and spiny surfaces like cobwebs. And through it all, the rain fell.

She hadn't felt rain since before she died, and once, she might have missed it, might have reveled in the chance to dance beneath it, to let it wash her clean. But this was something else. Normal planets had normal rain, thunderstorms with lightning and the rain coming down in a steady downpour. Whatever planet they were stuck on was not one of those planets. This was a _gale_, the winds picking up even as she thought about them, sending stinging nettles of cold drops lashing against her skin and into her eyes. She held up an arm to shield herself, but it didn't do much good. Soon enough, she'd be slogging through ankle-high mud, her visibility next to nothing. How was she supposed to find Kaidan in this?

She was just starting to regret going after him when she heard the shot from somewhere to her left, ahead of her. She didn't even consider that it might be anyone else; who else _would_ be there with them? She hobbled in that direction as best as she could, breaking through a line of trees into a thickly overgrown clearing. Through the veil of rain, she could just make out Kaidan. For a split second, she was relieved, before she realized he was trying to fight something off.

She reached for her pistol.

She had just started forward, gun raised, when her comm beeped and someone's voice filled her ear.

"Shepard – read me?"

Shepard pressed hard to the in-ear link. "_Normandy_! I, uh, don't have time to talk right now."

The voice buzzed in her ear again, the words nearly undistinguishable. She couldn't be sure, but it sounded like an accent, and that meant...

"Miranda? Look, the signal is shit. I can't hear you."

"—cutting out Shepard, do you copy?"

Suddenly, there was a shout. She turned in time to see a thick vine wrap around a nearby tree, the trunk large, the branches heavy with rain. The roots groaned as it was ripped from the ground with a great tearing crash. The thick vine swung it around twice, before throwing it in her direction. She screamed and jumped out of the way, rolling through the mud and the undergrowth, as the tree landed in an explosion of splinters that made the ground shake.

The comm in her ear played back only silence, before beeping off.

She pulled herself up on what was left of the trunk beside her, gritting her teeth at the splintering pain in her ankle. Her pistol had fallen beneath her; she reached for it, nearly falling again in the process. She pulled herself up and over the tree, landing on the other side in time to see Kaidan dive into a bush, dodging another wildly swinging vine. She fired two shots at it, and the vine retreated into the undergrowth, disappearing. She didn't give a second thought to where it might have gone, limping to Kaidan.

She nearly fell on top of him in her haste to reach him. "Are you all right? Kaidan?"

He rolled over, looking up at her. His eyes went wide. "Shepard, look out!"

There wasn't time. Something slammed into her, wrapping around her uninjured ankle and ripping her into the air. She almost dropped her pistol, but held on tight just as her fingers began to slip, shrieking instinctively as she was upended, her wet hair in her eyes and rain filling her nose and mouth. As best as she could with her free hand, she shoved her hair aside, squinting down into the clearing below her.

Suddenly, there was a great roar all around her, and a dozen vines stretched into the air from what felt like everywhere, whipping around through the rain, whistling dangerously. Below her, she could see it: an enormous Venus Fly Trap, its spiny teeth easily as long as her arm. Its mouth was red and wet, dripping some sort of viscous fluid, as it roared again, and began hauling her in like a freshly caught fish. Her mind numbed to bright white panic, blocking out all sensible thought. She screamed again.

There was a shot from below, then another. Shepard's mind eased up a bit, as she twisted around to look down. _Kaidan._ She scowled, however, when she realized he wasn't shooting it, but merely creating noise. He shot into the air again.

"Yeah, hey, over here!"

The plant stopped, its vines twining aloft in the air. Its mouth opened wide, hissing, almost like it was listening for Kaidan, trying to pinpoint his exact location.

_This is my chance. _She took a deep breath, trying to clear the dizziness from her head, though it was difficult to do upside down, but if he wasn't planning on shooting it, she would. Her gun was wet when she adjusted her grip, her fingers still slippery as she pointed it at the creature, sighting her target. She was starting to get dizzy, and there was still hair in her line of sight, but she had to do it, she had to move.

She took another deep breath, squeezing the trigger. A round shot off, piercing the back of the plant's mouth in a flash of bright red. It didn't die immediately, groaning and shrieking, fighting to hold onto Shepard, the vine slipping. Barely keeping aim as the vine started to lose its hold on her, she fired six more shots, until it was dead, and the vine went absolutely lax, letting go of her, sending her falling through the air.

She landed on something, or rather, _someone_. They both went down with simultaneous yelps, and while was she in a world of pain, shards of hot pain radiating up both her legs and throbbing intensely, she couldn't help but feel a kind of glee, a kind of justice, knowing that she had just fallen on Kaidan. _He deserves it._

She wanted to just lay there in the rain and the mud, until the pain fizzled down to a dull ache again instead of a roaring inferno, but suddenly Kaidan was climbing out from under her and standing, just as soaked and trembling as she was. He reached out a hand to help her up. "Come on," he said loudly over the thrashing rain. "We've got to get out of here."

She followed him numbly, not even caring what direction they went in, stumbling blindly, each step harder than the last as they put the clearing far behind them. The rain pounded down, her hair plastered to her skin, streams of water falling into her eyes. She was shivering so hard she thought she might break a bone, muscles tensed, lips turning purple. The longer they walked, directionless and alone, the more she began to panic. _What if nobody comes for us? What if we're stuck here forever? No, we won't be. But for now… _Her mind was whirling, occupied with her more immediate concerns - food, fire, shelter, water, civilization, a way off this moisture trap - when Kaidan spoke.

"Shepard, look."

They were standing in a groove of mud, a section of the jungle torn away, the plants scattered, roots upturned. Areas of the jungle were blackened, as though they had been on fire; if they had, the rain had made quite the effort to put them out. The area smelled acrid, like it had been gassed and torched. Pieces of metal, the paint seared off and dulled by the flames, were everywhere.

"What happened here?"

"Crash, looks like. Wait." Kaidan pointed ahead of them. "Isn't that…isn't that your shuttle?"

Shepard peered through the clumps of her sopping hair as they stopped just feet away. Sure enough, there was a hunk of metal rising from the jungle floor, buried deep into the ground, twisted onto its side. As Shepard edged closer to inspect it, she saw the barely discernible Cerberus logo on the side, half the paint scratched off. She swore, her teeth chattering.

"Come on," Kaidan said, stooping to offer her a leg up.

She stared at him. "Come on what?"

"It's pouring rain! We need to take shelter somewhere."

"_Here_?"

Kaidan's expression darkened. "You have somewhere better in mind?"

"Obviously not. I just think the crash may have attracted unwanted attention. It's not safe."

"Who knows how long ago that was? Look, it's just for right now. When the rain stops, we'll move on. Until then, we can get out of this downpour and maybe even find out how we got here – and why."

Shepard sighed. "Fine."

Stepping into the cradle of his hands, she pulled herself up onto the side of the shuttle. Mustering what little strength she had left, she forced the door open, wincing at the horrible screeching sound it made. Looking around quickly to make sure no other horrible creatures were about to come charging out of the undergrowth, she dropped inside.

It was strange to see her shuttle from the inside when it was on its side, but even more so when she saw the blood splashed across one wall. It still looked damp, some of it idly dripping into a small puddle on the floor. Stomach turning, she decided not to investigate the helm, instead heading for the footlockers kept at the back, the ones with the emergency supplies. She heard Kaidan drop inside a minute later, reaching up to pull the door shut, heard him moving around, his footsteps echoing hollowly.

She threw up lids and yanked open drawers, finding only one canister of medi-gel, one blanket, and several more rounds of ammo. When they got back, she was going to have a very stern talk with Damien about keeping the shuttle stocked for situations like these. A thought entered her mind, unbidden and chilling. _If you make it back. _She made herself keep moving, pocketing the ammo, before wrapping the blanket around herself and limping back out.

Kaidan was just returning from the helm when she arrived. She stopped, staring at him. "Was there-?"

He shook his head. "Nobody there. The, ah, nose is broken open, though, so he may have—"

"Been thrown. Yeah."

Kaidan looked uncomfortable. "I'm sorry."

She shook her head, her earlier thoughts of Damien already echoing hollowly. "Damien knew the Omega-4 relay was a risky mission. Everyone knows it. Maybe when the rain lets up, we can try to find him. I don't want to just leave him here in _this_."

He nodded. "I pulled some of the broken pieces of metal over in front of the opening so we should be okay."

She might have once relished in the fact that they were not only having a conversation, but working together, but now, after everything, it just didn't even seem to matter. Damien was dead and the situation was beginning to seem even more bleak than it had when they'd first woken up. Finding nothing worthwhile to say, she decided against replying, sitting down instead. She rolled her pant leg up, untying her boots, gingerly untying and pulling one off the injured foot. It was already swollen, the skin of her ankle tinged with purple and black. She loaded up the medi-gel into her omni-tool, before swiping it over her ankle. It tingled uncomfortably. Seized with a sudden idea, she tried to reach the _Normandy_ via her omi-tool, but it beeped at her in annoyance, informing her that recipient was out of range. She leaned back and closed her eyes, sighing through her nose.

"I'll take the first watch," Kaidan said, as if he'd been watching the entire thing. "You can go back and get some rest. Maybe take those clothes off and wring them out before you do."

If she had been the way she was before, she might have cocked an eyebrow, making some sort of joke or innuendo. The clinical quality with which he spoke, however, let her know that any sort of reaction would be completely unwarranted – and she didn't feel the urge to do so anyway, swamped only with the throbbing of her ankle and a deep tiredness that went all the way into her bones. There was no point, to this or anything. If there was some sort of battle she needed to win to get him back, to prove that she wasn't what he thought, she knew it then: She was losing.

"Shepard?"

She didn't open her eyes, just shook her head yes. Inside, however, she was screaming as loud as her voice would allow her.

_How did we get here? How did we come to this? _


	11. Untouchable

**More flashbacks. Enjoy :)**

* * *

_Untouchable, like a distant diamond sky_

_I'm reaching out and I just can't tell you why_

_I'm caught up in you_

-Taylor Swift

* * *

The Citadel glowed from the lights below them, spinning out across the horizon, glimmering like purple, blue, and gold stars. Shepard's eyes didn't know where to look first as she stood beside Ashley, mesmerized. The lights blinked and pulsed and twinkled and spun while, around them in the cool darkness of semi-night, traffic raced across the sky, a blur of color smearing along the back of her eyelids.

"Wow," was all she could say.

Ashley's gaze turned her way. "Ma'am?"

"I have been all over space, not just with my parents, but during ICT as well, but never in my life have I seen anything like this…" She shook her head. "This is what you think of, when people mention space travel. This is like something from a book."

"You and your books…" Ashley not-so-subtly mumbled. In her short time on the _Normandy_, she had already discovered Shepard's passion for reading – and had been more than a little surprised by it, especially with the modern advancements of datapads replacing classic bound paper, making it nearly impossible to find an actual book nowadays. Shepard couldn't say she blamed her, since she had been also been taken aback when Ashley quoted Tennyson at her word for word from memory. They had talked poetry for a while, before both of them agreed to keep it their secret. Too bad everyone on the _Normandy_ already knew the best place to find Shepard was near the bookshelves. She didn't really care if people knew her fondness for literature and poetry, but Ashley seemed to, worried that people wouldn't take her seriously, and it was nice to have a secret with a friend so Shepard didn't mind. It made her feel like a little girl again, making friends in the bowels of space stations, running wild through passageways unknown to adults and creating stories in her head.

"Hey, if it wasn't for those books, I don't think I would have half the perspective I do now." Shepard gestured grandly. "Look at it! It's amazing."

"Yeah, I'm lookin', and it sure is something. Kinda makes Jump Zero look like a porta-john, and it's the biggest space station the Alliance has."

Shepard nodded, as Kaidan said from Ashley's other side, "Yeah, Jump Zero is big, but this is a whole 'nother scale. Look at the ward arms! How do they keep all that mass from falling apart?"

Shepard squinted up at the giant finger-like structures that Kaidan was referring to. "Very carefully, I'd guess. You know, it's something you never think about, not really. The Council represents so many more races than I thought. It's no wonder they're so careful with newcomers."

Kaidan stood up straight, stretching idly. "They probably just want to keep everything running. It has to be hard keeping all these cultures working together."

Ashley made a face, leaning against the vista wall. "Or maybe they just don't like humans."

Shepard laughed. "Why shouldn't they? Sure, we can be pretty ridiculous sometimes—we have this pretty uncanny knack for starting needless wars—but we've got some good stuff, too."

Ashley looked over at her. "I'm almost surprised to hear you say that, ma'am."

"Oh yeah? How come?"

Ashley shrugged. "I just assumed you loved being a soldier."

"Oh, don't get me wrong, I do. I don't know if there was anything else I could have done in life, not with my parents raising me the way they did. But if you look back, you can't deny the pages of history are spattered with blood. It was something I always found kind of horrifying when I was growing up." When she saw the way Ashley was looking at her, she tilted her head. "However, I do recognize that sometimes, there can be no peace without war."

"So would that be one of these good things you mentioned?" Kaidan asked.

"Peace? Sure, yeah. Among other things."

"Like…?"

"Well, we've got oceans, those are pretty damn beautiful, if you're not, y'know, off the coast of British Columbia in the middle of January." Kaidan snorted at that one, but she went on. "We've got some pretty beautiful women, too, and even that little emotion called love. From what I've seen of the old vids, seems to me we've got everything they want. So why shouldn't they like us?"

"When you put it that way, there's no reason they wouldn't like you."

Shepard froze, heartbeat thumping in her ears. It seemed as though, just for that second, every light on the Citadel gleamed brighter, and the traffic began to slow. Her cheeks were unreasonably warm, as she refused to turn and look at Kaidan, just for the moment as her brain worked through what she had just heard. _Am I being...flirted with? Is that what's happening? _She couldn't even be sure, certain only that it had been many years, too many, since that had happened, and she had no idea how to respond now. _Obviously_, she thought, wishing she could hide the blush she was sure had darkened her cheeks.

In that moment that Shepard's world slowed to a crawl, Kaidan realized what he'd said. Ashley made a strange choking sound in the back of her throat that sounded like laughter and dying simultaneously, while he backtracked, eyes wide. "I mean us. Humans. Ma'am." He cleared his throat.

There was a pointed silence, before Ashley managed to compose herself, sliding a look at Kaidan. "You, uh, don't take much shore leave, do you LT?"

Some of the tension drained away from the moment, and Shepard managed a good-natured smile. Her cheeks still felt red. "All right, you had your fun, Chief." She turned to Kaidan. "And I really appreciate the thought, but we are on duty here, Alenko." _Nice_, she chided herself mentally. _Keep it together.__  
_

Kaidan's smile was nervous, apologetic, but there was something in his eyes that said he didn't regret it, and was actually quite pleased he had said it. "Aye, aye, ma'am." Shepard couldn't help a shiver, hoping neither of them noticed.

Ashley glanced between the two of them, before a very slow grin made its way across her face. Sniffing primly, she edged out from between them, sidling up behind Kaidan. "I'll walk drag, ma'am," was all she would say, as they turned to leave.

As Kaidan fell in step beside her, still grinning slightly, Shepard reminded herself to thank Ashley later.

* * *

Kaidan had just descended the steps on the _Normandy_ when he heard music. It was late, or at least he thought so, since time seemed so much different in space, but as they were on their way to the Knossos System to find Matriarch Benezia's daughter, he figured it was probably time for him to get sleep. However, here were some nights when sleep just wasn't in the cards, and this was one of them. So of course, he was instead roaming the halls of the ship, lost in thought.

Until he heard the music. It wasn't the usual pulsing kind they played in clubs, or the chiming type he heard in elevators on the Citadel. This was soaring, sweeping, escalating, diving…_music_.

And it was coming from Shepard's cabin.

He looked over towards the doors. The lock was lit a vibrant green, meaning she was awake and accepting visitors, but… They hadn't spent time alone like that since Anderson was captain and, while still the XO, she had just been another part of the crew, sleeping with the rest of them in the standard quarters. Now she was the captain, she had her own room, and he could already imagine the rumors that would fly if she was seen taking private visits with someone late at night, especially if that someone was him.

He had just turned away when there was a hissing sound behind him. He stopped, half-turning to see Shepard standing there in a black Alliance hoodie and sweatpants. She looked concerned, a book in one hand. "Lieutenant, are you all right?"

It reminded him so very much of their first meeting that his thoughts strayed instantly from whatever rumors the crew might come up with. He nodded, smiling. "Yeah, I, uh… I heard music."

"Oh, that's me. Did I wake you?"

"No, I was already awake. I…" He suddenly frowned, looking past her, at the doors that were still open with her standing between them. "What is that?"

"Want to come in?" She pointed over her shoulder with her empty hand. "I was just about to have a nightcap."

"I probably shouldn't."

"Kaidan, I insist."

He liked it very much when she called him by his first name. It was usually a rare occurrence, particularly when they were around others, but he found she was using it more and more, almost like some new book she had discovered, one she simply couldn't stop talking about, one she had to bring up at least once to feel it on her tongue again, to remind her of what it meant. It almost unnerved him, how much he liked it.

_Let the crew talk. Tonight, I don't give a damn. _

He followed her into her cabin, looking around, surprised. He'd only been inside once when Anderson was captain; he'd had a card night and invited everybody to get to know them. Kaidan was okay at poker; he'd never particularly excelled, but then again, it was just cards. It had been worth it to attend just to see Shepard smoke everyone in Skyllian Five. She was much better than she pretended to be.

Now, however, it looked vastly different. It was darker, the colors more muted in shades of black and blue. Her bed was nestled into a corner, her desk alongside it, her private terminal screen glowing blue. In the center of the room there was a small table with two chairs sitting at it. There were some papers scattered over the table, along with a bottle, an empty glass, and the music orb. In an ashtray, a long thin cigarette burned.

He pointed at it. "Never would've pegged you for a smoker."

She made an apologetic face. "Yeah, I get that a lot. Now you know my darkest secret."

Kaidan laughed. "If that's your darkest secret, I might have to suggest we go out and make some new ones."

Shepard smirked at him, tucking her hair behind her ear. "Only if you're up for it, Alenko." She walked to the table, setting her book down and taking a quick drag on the cigarette. "I picked the habit up from my dad, kept it up during basic with all the other recruits smoking the real toxic ones. I always stuck with the herbals, but as Chakwas keeps reminding me, there isn't much difference." She stamped it out in the ashtray, going to the wall where the room's basic atmosphere controls were. She turned on the air freshener, scrolling through the options while Kaidan looked around.

On the left wall were a number of shelves, and on them, a collection of books and knickknacks that gave Kaidan pause. He stepped up beside them, reaching up to touch a small bronze statue of a man riding a horse, a sword raised in his left hand. It seemed kind of an archaic thing, but with Shepard's love for books and the classical music playing, it didn't strike him as unusual, not in this room.

"Alexander the Great," Shepard said from behind him, tapping the music orb to turn it down several notches. She had settled on some sort of vanilla spice fragrance; it filled the room gradually as she watched him with a small smile. "My father gave that to me when I enlisted."

"Makes sense."

"Yeah, it's been kind of this running joke with the two of us." She crossed the room to a small cupboard, pulling out another glass as she spoke to him. "He's always been obsessed with ancient history, particularly Greece and Rome, so Alexander the Great was something of an idol to him. Funny enough, his name is Philip, just like Alexander's father, so he had this grand scheme to have a son and name him Alexander." She crossed back to the table, moving aside some of the papers and setting the glass down. The music was still flowing over them.

"I take it that didn't work out."

"Obviously not. My mom didn't want more children once she was pregnant with me. There were a lot of complications, and it would have just been too much with their careers. So he settled for the next best thing." She smiled briefly. "Growing up, to him, I was Lex; to my mother, Xandra." She snorted. "My mother always hated all my spacer friends; they used to call me Alex or Andy. She didn't think those names were feminine enough." She rolled her eyes.

"I like them. I think it's—" He stopped himself before he could say what he had been about to. _Cute. Wonderful. So very you. _"Nice. I think it's nice."

"Thanks," she said, her smile widening into something real. "I never cared what anyone called me. I just liked that my dad named me after someone he idolized, someone whose deeds he cared so much about and someone who is still immortalized in history to this day. That was why I enlisted. I wanted to do my dad—and the name he gave me—proud."

"Hey, captain of your own ship, first human Spectre, on an important mission to stop Saren? I'd say you're definitely on the right track." When she just smiled, he decided to keep going, certain that _he_ was on the right track as well. He wanted to know everything about her, every inch of the little things that made her Shepard. "So it sounds to me like you and your dad are close."

"Oh, yeah. For a long time, my dad was my best friend. Looking back, that seems like it might be pathetic, being best friends with one of your parents, but hey, he was a great man."

"He was. I think I've heard his name a couple of times. Pilot, right?"

Shepard nodded, twisting the cap off the bottle. "Yeah, used to be. Flew a fighter for the _SSV Einstein_." She suddenly laughed. "I swear that's the only reason Joker's friends with me."

Kaidan crossed the room to the table. "The _Einstein_... It assisted in the Mindoir rescue, didn't it?"

"Yeah! My parents were stationed there when it happened. I was sixteen. That was a nightmare." She shook her head. "He retired pretty early after that, though, after a bout with lung cancer. He's fine now, but for a while there…" She trailed off, pouring them each a glass of whiskey and shrugging. "Well, it's just lucky medicine is so advanced these days. I think that's one of the reasons they got divorced a few years later. She saw it almost as dereliction of duty, since he could still fly, he was still capable like so many others weren't lucky enough to be, but by then he was tired. He'd seen enough."

Kaidan nodded. "I get that. I'd say he deserved some rest, especially after something like that."

She smiled. "He'd like you. My mom, she wouldn't retire if they paid her millions of credits and kicked her ass to the curb. She's a lifer. She told me that once, actually, she said, 'They'll have to kill me to get me out of the Alliance.' I think she's hoping someday they just might. She'd consider it an honor."

"I've known higher-ups like her. They're fierce, good to serve under. They teach you not only about why we're fighting, but what we're fighting for."

Shepard's smile broadened. "She'd like you, too, I think." She handed him his glass, gesturing for him to take a seat. They both did, Shepard idly rubbing her fingers over the bottle of whiskey. He eyed it quickly, lips turning up.

"Northern Light, huh? Very nice."

She ran one finger over the golden Canadian leaf on the label, smiling. "Wouldn't drink anything else, especially not so far out here. It's like a little taste of home."

"I get that. Where are you from, originally? If you don't mind me asking."

"'Course not! We're friends." She didn't give him time to respond to that information, though it burned delightfully inside him like a star, as she leaned back in her chair. "I was born in Victoria. My mother's family had an estate there that she inherited. I don't remember it much, because as soon as my mom could get me up here, we were in space. I've only been back twice."

"Wow."

"Yeah. I think I'd like to go back when I retire, at least for a little while. I mean, yeah, I don't remember it much and I've hardly ever been there, but it's still home, you know?"

Kaidan nodded.

"So what about your family, Kaidan?"

He eyed her shrewdly over the rim of her glass. "You're telling me you haven't read my file?"

"I have. Didn't I tell you that once when we first met? I'm asking about what isn't on the file. About your family. About your life."

He shrugged. "There's not much to tell, really. Dad was Alliance, Mom a nurse. She did a lot of those 'without borders' projects, which is how she wound up downwind of a transport crash in Singapore. She didn't know she was pregnant with me at the time, but I guess we dodged a bullet there. My dad retired when I was away at Jump Zero, and now they got a place overlooking English Bay."

"You got any siblings?"

"No."

"Looks like we're in the same boat then."

He gestured around, feeling clever. "Aren't we?"

She wrinkled her nose at the bad joke. "Cute."

She finished off her whiskey first, pouring herself another. He watched her, watched her fingers tapping on the edge of the table to the sounds of the strings pouring out from the music orb. He drank the last of his whiskey as well, shaking his head when she gestured to the bottle. He wanted to remember this night, wanted to keep replaying it in his mind the next morning, and the morning after that, just in case this was the only moment he got to have with her, the last in their series together.

He pointed to the music orb. "So what's with this?"

Shepard laughed, setting her glass down. "It does come off kind of pretentious, doesn't it?"

He smiled. "I don't think I should answer that, Commander."

"Oh come on, we both know it does. But it's just… I don't know. My mom, I guess."

"Your mom?"

"Yeah. She's…well, you've never met, but I'm sure you've heard her speak before, right?"

He nodded. "She was in one of the vids at the enlistment joint."

"So you kind of get the sense of what she's like. Don't get me wrong, she's an incredible woman and a great mom, but she was just very…forceful with my education. It's that thing that most parents have: they didn't have a lot of opportunities as a kid, so they want to make sure you do. So I had a lot of extracurricular activities as a kid."

"Like what?"

"Lots of things. Aside from the tutors I had for school, my mom would tutor me in her downtime, what little of it there was. She recognized that English was my favorite subject, so she gave me classic literature to read and made me write papers on the books. She made me listen to classical music and learn piano. I can still play a little bit. I also took dancing classes, and I played hockey over the winter we actually spent on Earth when my grandmother was dying." She suddenly laughed. "I guess I am a bit of a snob, actually."

"Nah, you're only a snob if you act like one. You don't act like one."

"I'm glad someone thinks so." She reached for the music orb, scrolling over its surface. Its yellow glow lit up her face, making her eyes ever greener. "The thing is, I really _do_ like classical music. Maybe because I had to listen to it, but it just ended up growing on me. It's just so _big_, you know? I mean, music nowadays, sure, it's pretty good. Like that one asari pop star, she's got some great songs, but _real_ music, it's not just synthesizers and stuff that makes you dance, it's a bunch of different instruments that make you feel all these big, indescribable emotions, and I think that is…irreplaceable." She laughed again. "It's possible that I've had too much to drink."

"Should I cut you off?"

"Only if you want me to stop rambling like an idiot."

It was Kaidan's turn to smile. "You're not an idiot, Shepard. And I like it. I like that you like this music." _I like everything about you._

"This is actually one of my favorite composers, Mozart. He's got this opera, _Don Giovanni_. It's kind of my go-to music when I'm having a bad day."

"Is that what we're listening to now?"

"Nah, it's his _Concerto For Flute, Harp, and Orchestra In C Major._"

Kaidan laughed. "I have no idea what any of that means."

"Yeah, that's okay. Not a lot of people do anymore."

Kaidan watched her sip her second drink, running her finger over the rim of the glass. She really was very beautiful. Intelligent and therefore slightly intimidating, but beautiful, funny, charming when she wanted to be, and mean when she needed to be. He knew he wasn't supposed to notice as a soldier, but he did anyway, as a man, without being able to help himself. Some things—and people—were just so rare that you had to notice.

_She's your commanding officer, man._

_Yeah, but… Why did she have to be? How is that fair?_

He eyed her steadily, gaze unflinching, unwilling to succumb to that inner voice just yet. "You really dance?"

"Mostly ballroom, and a little bit of ballet."

"That explains so much."

"It does?"

"Yeah. When you fight, it's like nothing I've ever seen before." He shook his head, sure that he was crossing some line here, no thanks to the whiskey, but also sure he didn't want to stop, not when she was watching him with cool eyes, listening intently. "The way you move, it may as well be dancing. It's like everything slows down, and you just flow through it, and nothing can touch you, like you're smoke."

Shepard was silent for several seconds. "Wow," she finally said, blinking several times. "I had no idea."

He shrugged. "Seeing you in a firefight is a pretty amazing experience."

"Well. Thank you." She grabbed her glass, gulping down a lengthy swallow, before setting it back down. She suddenly stood up, ruffling her choppy hair and looking around the room. "Anyway, I think I've kept you long enough. But uh, we should do this again sometime."

Kaidan stood as well, recognizing a dismissal when he heard one, abrupt though it was. "Yeah, that'd be great." She walked him to the doors, but he stopped just before going through them. Even he knew when he had made a mistake. "Look Commander, I'm sorry if I overstepped any boundaries right now, it's just that—"

She grabbed his arm, fingers squeezing. "It's fine, Kaidan. Really, really fine. You have nothing to apologize for. I just realized how late it was, is all."

He got the feeling she was lying, but didn't pursue it. After all, she was his commanding officer. "All right. So we're good?"

"Always." There was that smile again, as she slowly let go of his arm. Just looking at her, he believed it, believed that it was fine, that they were fine. "I'll see you in the morning. Hopefully we'll have reached Therum by then."

"Right. Good night, Shepard."

Her voice was soft when she said, "Night." The doors shut behind him.

He thought he dreamed of her later, but when he woke up, disoriented, he couldn't remember at all.


	12. Don't Speak

_You and me_

_I can see us dying_

_Are we?_

-No Doubt

* * *

Looking back, Jack was starting to think leaving Shepard with her military boy-toy was the worst fucking thing she could have done.

She stopped, scrutinizing the foliage around her. Several of the trees seemed familiar, though when she thought about it, what fucking tree wasn't familiar? The whole damn planet was covered in them, mutations trying to take back what was theirs. She had been walking for hours, and hadn't stopped, even when the rain started lashing down. Now, however, she was hungry, tired, pissed off, and wishing she had kicked Shepard awake and forced her to come along.

Because Jack was lost. And that was just fucking embarrassing.

She looked up at the grim cloudy sky. If only Damien had lived. When they'd started to hit the atmosphere, the turbulence was insane, throwing Shepard and her unconscious boyfriend all over the place. Jack had managed to hang on, her teeth rattling around in her head, but then the nightmare happened: A piece of the shuttle _tore off_, dumping Shepard and Kaidan during the descent. Jack almost jumped out after them, but then she and Damien hit hard, crash-landing into the thick trees and growth. The shuttle had tumbled, sending Jack and the pilot rolling end over end, flying in different directions. When she had managed to pull herself out, it was to find Damien lying twenty feet away, dead. Shepard and Kaidan were nowhere to be found. After walking back in the direction they'd come from, she found them in a clearing. Shepard was laying on her back, one ankle bent at a strange angle; the Alliance lackey was out cold.

Jack knelt down beside Shepard, shaking her shoulder, but she was knocked out too and as much as Jack wanted to wake her, she just didn't know how. Panicking, Jack paced for a few minutes, holding onto her head, a number of voices calling, _screaming_ at her to do so many different things, pulling her in different directions until she thought her skin would split. It took several moments of dry-heaving and pacing in a tight circle to get her bearings straight.

Remembering what direction the base was in, she looked up. Figuring it out quickly, she resumed her place at Shepard's side, rummaging inside her own pockets. Pulling out a marker she'd shoved in there, she yanked the cap off with her teeth and drew three stars on Shepard's face. Initially she'd brought the marker to draw on Shepard while she was sleeping (maybe some new tats, since the one she had was for pussies), and now it seemed like she was going to do just that, coloring the stars in messily. They were for the constellation in the western sky, the one that looked like a crown. She hoped at least one of them, Shepard or the Alliance asshole, would figure out she was heading west, and that if they woke up before she got back, that's where they'd find her.

It wasn't until she brought the marker out she realized her hands were shaking. Squashing it down as a side-effect of Shepard's bullshit, she threw the marker into the undergrowth and went back to the shuttle, taking most of the supplies with her. When she had everything she could carry, she was ready.

Except somehow, after hours and hours of walking, she had gotten turned around, because the stupid fucking storm hid the stars from view. Throwing down the makeshift pack she had made out of a blanket tied around her, she took a breather and rubbed her neck. _Still,_ she thought, glowing brightly for a moment as she stretched, _at least I have a weapon._

More than anything, she wanted to sit down, but it wasn't safe, not with the rate of growth for the plants. Groaning and muttering to herself, she stooped to grab the blanket, kicking several roots out of it that had gone to feeling around already. Winding it back across her body and knotting it tightly, she took a deep breath, preparing herself to keep going, when suddenly there was a screeching from above.

She looked up, as light streaked across the sky through the crowds. She ducked beneath a plant just in time for a junky ship to chug overhead, metal scraping and jangling against pieces that began to fall off, raining down on the planet. Smoke billowed out of the turbines, nearly masking the other ships following along behind the first. Red paint was splattered all over their hulls, spike welded into the metal. _That's not red paint_ was all she could think as she ducked lower, watching the ships disappear over the treeline.

She bared her teeth in a silent snarl. _Mercenaries. But what are they doing here?_

* * *

Shepard kept watch while Kaidan slept. She had pulled her damp clothes back on and given him the blanket, sitting by herself in the overturned shuttle, thinking about everything he had said, about…everything.

When she had met Kaidan, she hadn't been looking for anything, not in somebody she served with. The moment she announced her intent to enlist, her mother had immediately lectured her on the regulations, teaching her everything she really needed to know, to make sure this decision was right for her. She had gone through with it, and she had kept her mother's lessons with her, even past the point when she met him and they became friends. At the time, that was all she'd been looking for.

Everything changed on her birthday.

And now Shepard could feel it dying right before her eyes. She couldn't see any reason Kaidan would ever trust her again, or ever believe her about Cerberus. There was no real way for her to prove it, and sometimes, when the silence stretched on, she found herself thinking, questioning…

She looked down at her bare hands, tracing the lines on her palms with shaking fingers. When she came back, she felt like she was the same person because everybody told her she was, but there was always that nagging in the back of her mind, that feeling that something was off, that she just wasn't quite right. She'd told Joker it was Death, that it was all over her now, and maybe that was it. But whatever it was, she was starting to wonder if maybe Kaidan was…right.

She knew, even though she didn't want to, that she wasn't the same person, as many times as she tried to claim it. It was almost as if she was wishing that the more she said it, the more it would be true, except the world didn't work that way and she was only just beginning to figure that out. What really worried her were the questions that kept resurfacing: Was her change irreparable? Would she ever learn to be the same again? If not, she didn't know what the future held, not for her, for both of them, or anyone. Everything seemed so uncertain; she didn't know where to begin.

She lowered her head into her hands. Never had she felt such a concussive doubt before. It was eating her alive, devouring what little of the old Shepard that remained.

When Kaidan finally woke and dressed in the clothes that had barely dried, she had no idea what time it was. All she knew was that she was still exhausted, her ankle still ached, and her stomach was rumbling with hunger. Kaidan looked even worse off, his face pale, his hands trembling when he shoved open the door to the shuttle. A cascade of rain water fell inside, and they jumped back out of the way.

He glanced over at her. "Ready?"

Shepard nodded tersely. He gave her a leg up once again, and she pulled herself out, immediately slipping into a defensive position, making sure the area was clear. The sky was still covered in clouds, the air thick with moisture, but it had stopped raining. Everything was covered in a silver sheen of droplets, every touch to a leaf sending a miniature shower dripping down.

She holstered her pistol, looking down at Kaidan in the shuttle. "Let's go."

They rounded the front of the shuttle, following the paths of destruction through the undergrowth. There, twenty or so feet away, lay Damien. His leg was broken, his eyes still open and glassy, staring up at the sky. Shepard knelt down next to him in the mud, reaching for his hand. It was ice cold.

She had always liked Damien. He was so intelligent, always telling her new things, like why the sky was dark at night and how barium compounds burned a green flame. She had loved talking to him, and had valued his skills as a pilot. Now, he was dead on some horrible, mysterious planet, far away from his friends and family. Shepard thought of them, wondering who they were, where they lived—never once had Damien told her. But then again, she'd never asked.

She reached up to close his eyes. "We should take care of him."

"You want to bury him?"

"No. I intend to take him home." She leaned over him, reaching for his dog tags. She pulled them off, wearing them around her neck instead. She stood, moving around to grab him beneath the armpits. "Come on, you get his legs. We'll wrap him up in the blanket and leave him in the shuttle so nothing happens to him. We'll come back."

Kaidan hesitated for a moment, one hand reaching up to feel his chest, to touch his own dog tags beneath the damp fabric, before he nodded solemnly. They didn't say a word as they maneuvered him into the shuttle and laid him down, wrapping him in the blanket with his hands crossed over his chest.

Kaidan turned to go, but Shepard stayed. Touching Damien's hand, she began reciting a poem she had learned once long ago:

"_Lord, guard and guide all them who fly_

_And those who in deep space do ply;_

_Be with our troops and fallen ones_

_With all the daughters, all the sons:_

_Be with these guardians day and night_

_Do keep them ever in thy sight."_

She could feel Kaidan's eyes on her when she stood up, and clambered back out of the shuttle without his help. He followed, and she was the one to shut the door. When she turned around, wiping her hands on her stained pants, he asked.

"What was that?"

"_Eternal Father, Strong to Save_.' It's a very old military hymn that my father used to tell me. It's mostly only used in funerals." She didn't wait for him to say anything else, not sure she wanted him to say anything else. "Come on, we need to get out of here."

As they left the shuttle behind and she got used to the feeling of dog tags chiming against her collarbone again, Shepard started to consider their predicament. They were essentially stranded on an unknown planet. With the climate, it seemed highly likely that it would rain again, and they needed a plan, needed to think about where they would find and take shelter, and what they might be able to eat and drink. Before they got too far, she stopped short. Kaidan almost bumped into her, but quickly careened away, like he was afraid of touching her.

She glared. "Look, we need to take a minute to figure out what to do next."

"What do you mean?"

"What do you mean, what do I mean?" She began ticking things off on her fingers. "We need to consider shelter, food, water, maybe even where to and how to start a fire. This is where survival skills come into play."

"Well, you seem to have it all figured out."

Shepard paused, letting her hand drop. "Do I even dare asking you what your problem is? Because I'm trying to put aside our bullshit and be rational right now."

"Right, of course, Rational Shepard always prevails. You know, I'm not even supposed to be here right now!"

"Yeah? Neither am I!"

Kaidan sighed laboriously. "I don't mean on this planet, I mean here."

"With me?"

He shrugged noncommittally, looking away.

"No, of course that's what you mean. But you know what? I didn't have to save you from that stupid plant thing. I could have just left you there. Which, by the way, you're welcome."

"Why did you save me, if I'm such a burden on you?"

"I never said you were a burden! And I saved you because—" She stopped short, holding that last breath in her chest, knowing already what words it would lead to. _Because I love you, idiot. _He wouldn't believe her, even if she said it, so instead she let that breath out, using it to remain calm and resist slamming his head into the nearest tree.

Kaidan just stared at her evenly, before shaking his head. "It doesn't matter. None of it matters. I just want to get out of here."

"So do I, but you know this will go much easier if we just _work together_." When he didn't answer, she went on. "We worked together for a year, Kaidan. Don't you think you could stand a few more days?"

He seemed to wrestle with it for a moment, before finally nodding slowly. "Fine. But don't think this changes anything."

"Believe me, it doesn't."

They started walking again in sync without another word said. Shepard kept her eyes open, looking around for some sort of animal life, but the only thing she could really see were birds and insects. A part of her thought Kaidan was right, that there was no point to all of the survival shit, but they were hungry and unsafe, and it gave her something to do, something to distract herself from what was happening. But if she did die again, wouldn't this be the place to do it?

She tried to distance herself from thoughts like that, looking up, trying to see through the trees. There had to be mountains _somewhere_, but through the clouds, she just couldn't tell.

Hours passed, the two of them trudging through the wildlife, hardly speaking. If they did speak, it was only to do so to themselves, to say "ow" or "fuck" as they stumbled and tripped over everything in their path. It was horrible. In places, the mud was so wet, the very ground itself was eroding, turning entire areas into sinkholes. Shepard nearly went pitching face first into one, the mud squelching up all the way to one ankle, but Kaidan stopped her at the last moment, yanking her roughly back by the collar of her shirt, accidentally (at least, she thought it was accidentally) grabbing the dog tags as well. While she knew she should have been grateful, she was not happy about the sore throat that remained afterward, and the mud that squished in between her toes every time she took a step.

The sinkholes and pits were the least of their problems, though. After an hour of walking, they were pouring sweat in the humidity, their clothes soaked once again and both of them smelling rank. That, of course, brought the bugs: Clouds of tiny flying insects buzzed around, landing on them and biting every inch of available of skin. Shepard was almost sure she ate some while yawning and sucked some up her nose just trying to breathe. After the first hour, Kaidan and Shepard stopped trying to keep them away by smacking them out of the air, and just let it happen, too weary to fight any longer.

Just when Shepard though the little biting bugs were bad, they climbed over what seemed like an ordinary log. When Shepard slipped and stepped on it, however, the rotted wood fell all the way through, exposing an entire ecosystem of slithering centipedes that glowed a vivid purple and oozed some toxic-looking green liquid. Shepard could kill a man with her bare hands and had, several times, but things with little crawling legs froze her in her tracks; she let out a shriek, and nearly broke Kaidan's neck trying to jump over him and away from the log. When she found one of the centipedes in her pant leg moments later, trying to writhe into her boot, it took a tackle to get her to stop flailing so he could grab it, and when he accidentally smashed it against her leg, its green goo dripping into her mud-free boot, she stopped acknowledging him entirely, certain he had done it on purpose.

When the day started to grow darker, Shepard began to worry. They'd seen nothing but trees, and with the likelihood of the thunderstorm returning, she had no desire to take shelter beneath their canopy. It had just started to rain again, the tiny droplets splattering her bruised, battered skin, when up ahead she noticed the trees slanting upward, the ground beneath their feet becoming more resistant, her leg muscles burning in protest.

Luckily, Kaidan said it for her. "Looks like this a mountain. You think there's a cave somewhere?"

"We can find out," Shepard replied grudgingly, still mad at him for the centipede debacle.

Within the hour, they had their answer. The trees had begun to recede, rocky outcroppings becoming more the scenery as they steadily climbed. The rain was falling consistently now, but it was nothing like the tempest before, and they could easily see through it. Up ahead in the face of the mountain, there was an opening, a dark maw waiting for them to explore it. A rock hanging overhead provided cover. Shepard had no idea what they might find inside, but she was willing to risk it if it meant finding somewhere dry to sleep.

They approached the cave, and suddenly it was like old times again. All she had to do was look at Kaidan, gesturing for him to move around to the left side of the cave, and he nodded. They flanked the entrance, both of them pulling their weapons and crouching through the steady darkness. When they were close enough, it was easy to tell that there was something there; the sound of breathing echoed in the cave's opening, along with the crunching and cracking of something. Shepard's stomach turned queasily, as she immediately pictured bones. Judging by the smell and the sounds the creature was making, she was willing to bet they'd stumbled upon a varren den. She only hoped there wasn't an entire nest waiting to ambush them and eat them alive.

Shepard charged first, rising to a standing position, shooting her pistol blindly just to see in the split second of fire from the chamber where the varren were. There were two of them directly in front of her, chewing on the corpse of some small many-legged animal that did not look native to any civilized planet. One screeched when the round shot off, and Shepard aimed lower, in front of her feet, certain that it would charge in the next second. She was right; when she fired again, there was a squealing sound; Kaidan fired a split-second after her and shot the second one. Silence fell. She felt Kaidan move in behind her, heard him breathe, felt him tense as they both waited to see if more varren would appear.

After five minutes, they lowered their weapons, relaxing. Shepard knelt down in the dark, feeling the nearest varren. Its body was still warm, and her fingers skated through some blood. She wiped her hands off on her pant leg, turning to where she thought Kaidan was in the darkness.

"We need a fire. I want to skin at least one of these, but there's no point if we can't see anything."

"Yeah, I…" She heard him rustling around. "I'm trying to find something to use. I've got my knife here, so I may be able to get something going using the wall. But we'll need a tinder nest."

"I'll see what I can find."

Back outside, the rain was still falling. Shepard went to the nearest, largest tree and knelt beneath it, poking around at the ground around the trunk. With the larger trees, sometimes the rain couldn't break through, and there was a chance of some dry undergrowth. Even if it was only a handful of leaves or bark, it would work. Grabbing as much as she could, even knowing some of it was damp, she took it and ran back into the cave. Nudging aside the varren with her knee, she built a small pile as near to one of the walls as she could get it without it being right up against it.

"You good?" she asked, about to stand.

"Where is it?"

"Over here."

"Where the hell is over here?"

"Um, you know, follow my voice."

"We're in a cave, Shepard. It echoes."

She sighed. "Here." She stuck her arms out, reaching through the darkness. The moment she touched him, he flinched. "Kaidan, where's your hand?"

His fingertips brushed hers, almost hesitantly. "Here."

She ran her fingers up his palm, to the back of his hand. She had always loved his hands, loved the way they were bigger than hers, the way they were rough and calloused and _used_, that they had done things, working hard every day, the way they had bled and fought and felt. She loved the way they fit in hers, the way they had once skimmed over her spine in the middle of the night, the way he had cupped her face and held her gaze just before he kissed her. The memories were almost too much, the grief from what was and might never be again choking her to the point where she was stuck, still running her fingers over the skin and veins and bones that once made her body sing.

"Shepard," he said, his voice rough.

"I—I'm sorry. Over here." She wrapped her hand around his wrist, gently guiding him to the tinder nest. She placed his palm down against it. When she was sure he knew where it was, she was gone, tearing herself away from him and out into the rain.

"Where are you going?" he called after her, his voice ringing, so it seemed as if five Kaidan's were asking her the same question. She wished she knew the answer.

"We need firewood," was her official reply, though really she just wanted to stand outside in the rain and cry.

She didn't, though she tried, desperately. The lump in her throat was choking her. She heaved out a few dry sobs but they did nothing but make the shaking worse. She wanted to sit down, head on her knees, comforted by the pelting rain, glad at least that the atmosphere could still cry. Instead, she forced her body to move, dragging her legs to the bottoms of trees, stooping to find any kind of dry branch to feed the flames.

She returned just in time. Kaidan was trying to keep the embers from going out; he breathed on them every few seconds to keep them alive, the glow lighting up his face.

"Here." She began adding small twigs and branches, waiting for them to catch before adding more.

When they had a healthy blaze, Shepard reached into her right boot for her knife. She began dragging one of the varren outside.

Kaidan stood slowly, watching her. "Shepard, maybe I—"

"I've got it," she snapped, stopping at the entrance of the cave. She picked up the varren, throwing it over one shoulder and rejoining the storm.

Using a combination of her belt and the laces from her boots, she managed to string the varren up from a low-hanging branch. With the rain still falling, she began making cuts along the inside of the hind legs, dragging her knife's blade in circles around the joints, before she started skinning in earnest. Her arms moved of their own accord, the blood splattering her hands, as she peeled the skin down over the muscle with a clinical eye. She tuned out while she skinned it, separating herself from the act, only coming back to herself when she was finished.

When she was done, the pile of skin folded neatly on the ground beside the innards, she took a deep breath. She wanted to feel something, but she couldn't, wanted to cry, wanted to scream, wanted to stab the varren over and over again with her knife until there was nothing left to kill. She looked down at her hands, at the blood smeared on her skin. _What's wrong with me? What did Cerberus do?_

She reached up, ignoring her bloodied hands, touching her temple with trembling fingers. There was no scar that she could feel, but what if…what if there was more than just the biomechanics? What if they had added _more_?

It was only when she began chopping up the meat with her knife into manageable pieces that she began to feel afraid.

* * *

Garrus stood beside Joker, arms folded over his chest. Besides the engineers working the graveyard shift and Miranda, who was still lurking annoyingly close by, they were the only ones still left awake, maintaining their vigil for their momentarily MIA commanding officer. With a couple of adrenaline stims, they were good to go, but it didn't make the waiting any easier, especially when the jitters set in.

Finally, EDI had completed her scans, giving them both good news and bad news. The good news was she had almost upgraded their communication drives fully, meaning they'd be able to talk to Shepard soon. The bad news was that EDI's scan of Pragia had turned up a number of results, most of them unsavory. Besides their downed shuttle, there were several other ships that had landed, and a large facility that Miranda had identified as a defunct Cerberus research base. Despite the fact that it was no longer in operation, it's thermal signatures were off the charts, explaining their lack of communication. It didn't take long for Garrus and Joker to add it all up.

"So that's why Jack went along," Garrus said, leaning over Joker's console. "That Cerberus base is there. That one she wants to blow up."

"Great. Hopefully she does that _after_ we sort all of this out."

"Right," Miranda said briskly. "Well, I think it's high-time we get some sleep. EDI can alert us when she establishes communication. Garrus, I think—"

"With all due respect, Miranda," Joker drawled. "I'm pretty sure Garrus here is in charge. You might be part of Cerberus, but Garrus has always been Shepard's second."

He could feel her scowl on his back. "I was only going to say that I thought Garrus might want some rest, since he'll need to be back on his feet tomorrow to resume his duties. Standing here and worrying can only do so much."

Joker opened his mouth, but Garrus swiftly intervened. "No, she's right, Joker. I am tired, and Shepard deserves our full attention, which she might not get if we just keep zapping ourselves with stims. We need to be prepared."

"Exactly."

"All right," Joker conceded. "Night, Garrus."

"Let me know if anything happens."

"Will do."

The turian shuffled away, his footsteps echoing in the quiet ship. Miranda stayed; Joker could feel her presence, the awkward silence growing between them, as he shifted around in his chair and fiddled with controls. Even EDI was silent, the moment becoming a nightmare.

Finally he couldn't take it any longer; he sighed. "Was there something else you wanted, Miranda?"

"Why did you do it, Joker? That's all I want to know."

"You want to know why? All right." He spun around. "We're on a suicide mission, right? We're pretty much all going to die. And we know that, and it's okay, because it's for the good of the galaxy and all that."

Miranda nodded. "So?"

"So we all know we're going to die, and maybe we all have some unfinished business that wants to be taken care of. Isn't there something you feel like you need to do before you die?" She didn't say anything, looking away. "Exactly. And if everyone else has one of those, why shouldn't Shepard? So what if she died before? This is her second chance to be able to make things right, since she didn't get a chance to before."

Miranda sighed. "Fine. That's great. But I still think it was a stupid idea."

"Great. Glad to know."

Her lips quirked slightly. "You don't like me very much, do you?"

"Oh no, I'm harboring a secret love for you. Thinking of proposing any day now."

She narrowed her dark eyes. "You and your jokes." She shook her head, smirking. "Look, I know how you see me. I'm just this bitch from Cerberus who's on a power trip. Right?"

"Something like that, yeah."

"And of course, nothing I say will make you believe that I'm not."

"Actions speak louder than words, Miranda."

"True. Which is why I have yet to inform the Illusive Man of this little escapade." She paused, before turning towards the hallway. "Just thought you should know."

Joker watched her go, before spinning slowly back around. He yawned, before fiddling once more with his controls. After a moment, EDI brightened.

"She was not lying, Mr. Moreau." When he didn't answer, she went on. "Communication drives are at sixty-five percent."

"That's great."

"Is there anything else I can do for you?"

"No thanks, EDI. Let me know as soon as they're done so we can get ahold of her…make sure she's still alive."

"Though Pragia is a highly dangerous planet, Commander Shepard is a very skilled and capable woman. I have calculated the odds for her survival, if you would like for me to—"

"No, EDI. We pilots have a saying amongst us. It's something along the lines of 'never tell me the odds.'"

"Then I will comply." Her sphere hummed for just a moment. "Good night, Joker."

He waited a little while, before looking over at the console beside him. "You too, EDI."

It was going to be a long night.

* * *

**_"Eternal Father, Strong to Save" _****is real and there are dozens of versions of it, but I changed this one up from the ****_Naval Aviation version_**** to suit the needs of the story. Also inspired by Robert A. Heinlein and his work.**


	13. Savior

**Thank you all so very much for every review, favorite, and follow! It means a lot :)**

* * *

_So tell me now, if this ain't love, then how do we get out?_

'C_ause I don't know_

-Rise Against

* * *

Shepard had never eaten varren before, and she wasn't sure what she was expecting, but it wasn't that. Neither she nor Kaidan said anything while they tore into the meat, the juice dripping over their chins and fingers. Normally she might never have gone for it, but since she was practically starving, in a "I have a crazy wild metabolism that must be fed every few hours" way, she would have eaten anything in that moment just to feel full again.

When they had both eaten their fill (or as much as they could without getting sick) the two of them sat back on their respective sides of the fire, leaning against the cave walls. With a full stomach of only slightly-charred varren and the fire burning eagerly, Shepard felt safer and more comfortable than she had in days. Still, she knew it wouldn't last; now she and Kaidan were alone again, and she didn't know where that left them or what anything meant.

She didn't know what possessed her to do it, but in that moment, warm and full, she was willing to try. "You remember when we went to Earth for those couple of weeks? It was before everyone left, before the Council started denouncing me."

Kaidan didn't reply.

"Yeah, I know, you're not talking to me. But I still remember it. We went camping in Puget Sound with Garrus and that friend of yours, um, Reese? Tali was supposed to come with us, but she couldn't, and I…I can't remember why now." She frowned, trying to recall, before continuing. "We went camping, kind of like this, except with less rain and less varren, and it was really nice. Except for that part when, you know, Garrus fell into the water and nearly drowned. At least we got him out, you know, after he stopped flailing." Shepard trailed off, picking at some of the dirt beneath her fingernails. "We fished and hiked and drank a few too many beers around the campfire, and it was probably one of the best weeks of my life because we could finally relax and I wasn't thinking about the future and I wasn't thinking about the past, I was just thinking about how great those moments were with you, and with our friends. It all felt normal, and it was great." She shrugged. "And I don't think I ever really told you that, so I just thought you should know…now."

Kaidan didn't say anything, just stared into the fire, the flames reflected in his eyes. Finally, he shifted his weight, before looking up at her. "Was there a point to that anecdote, Shepard?"

She swallowed hard. "I…I still remember everything."

"You still remember everything."

"Yeah. I still remember everything. Why would I do that, if I was being indoctrinated?"

Kaidan shook his head. "So? Memories are just memories, Shepard. They could have put them there. They don't prove that you're you."

"But I…" She folded her arms, digging her nails into the skin of her forearms, as the ghosts of the past moved over her, through her, sending a chill down her spine despite the heat from the fire. "I can still _feel _everything."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, attached to every memory, there are these emotions, smells, tastes, sounds… I can still go through them all, reliving all of it in my head." She closed her eyes, a red box paramount in her mind's eye, the sound of him whispering her name in the dark.

"That still doesn't change anything, Shepard. I'm sorry, but it just doesn't."

Shepard leaned her head back against the wall, closing her eyes. "Then how exactly does this theory of yours work?"

Kaidan sighed. "Do we have to talk about this right now?"

"Yes, we do. What else are we going to talk about?"

"Fine. I think they've got a chip in your brain. Or you've been indoctrinated. Maybe all of Cerberus has been. You have to admit it's possible."

Shepard thought about telling him she didn't have to admit to anything, but it sounded childish, even in her head. _Not that either of us is being particularly mature right now._ "Have I ever given you reason to believe that I have a chip in my head or that I'm indoctrinated? Besides working for Cerberus?"

"Do I need any other reason than that?" He shook his head. "The Shepard I knew would never have worked with them."

"So maybe I'm not the Shepard you know, Kaidan. People change. It happens. You couldn't honestly expect me to stay the same, especially after coming back from something like that."

Kaidan shook his head. "I don't know what I expected, but it wasn't to see you like that. I just don't understand. Why did they do it? Why you?"

"You'd think you'd be happy about it."

Kaidan's face clouded with anger. "Why would I be happy about that? Everyone was just finally starting to get over you, and now you're back and you're with _them_ and it all just fucking hurts all over again!"

Shepard opened her eyes, looking over at him. She was somewhat surprised by his anger; though, when she thought about it, maybe it made sense. She thought of what he'd said back on the _Normandy_, about wishing she was still dead. She could kind of understand it, almost. They were all finally starting to move on. It had been two years, and they had accepted it as a normal fact of life that she wasn't coming back, that it was never going to happen, and they had just begun to progress with their lives. Garrus was fighting crime on Omega, trying to make a real difference. Tali had completed her pilgrimage and was back with her people, like Joker had said. She didn't know about anyone else, but she was sure they were working hard, living for the future, the way she knew they would. And Kaidan...

Well, he'd gotten promoted. Maybe there was even somebody else. She'd never even thought to ask if there was somebody else, had never even stopped to wonder, too wrapped up in her own head to even consider that possibility. She wanted to ask now, but she knew how it would seem, how he would look at her with those narrowed eyes and the curled lip, his every fiber saying, "Don't go there, you do not get to go there, not anymore." Because she was with _them_, and she'd lost the right.

"Look, I know my death was hard, and me being here is even worse," she said softly. "But how do you think _I_ felt?" When he made a noise of disbelief, she shook her head. "No, listen. I know, you thought I was dead, and I'm not saying don't move on because if it had been anyone else, I would've told you to, but… I woke up in a science facility, the sort of place where we would have once gone to save biotics or kill geth, and then I realized, in the middle of fire, with people I didn't even know, that I was utterly, completely _alone_." She met his gaze. "Do you even know how that feels?"

"To figure out you're totally alone?" he asked, his voice bitter. "Yeah."

She scowled. His _poor-me_ attitude was really beginning to grind on her nerves. "No you don't, okay? Because you had everyone else. You had the others. You had Anderson, you had Liara and Garrus and Tali and Wrex, and you had Joker and my family. You had one concrete thing in common with all of them, so don't you dare try telling me you were alone. I woke up to find out that I was under attack and alone, a science project come to life. That kind of fear, the fear of all that's unknown, that's what kills you."

The fire popped loudly, interrupting their conversation for the moment. Shepard stared into the flames, losing herself there in the winding dance as they licked up into the air, twisting and hypnotizing her. She wished they would, wished they would just make her forget everything she had come to remember, because the memories—good and bad—were becoming almost too much for her to bear.

She took a deep breath, looking up at Kaidan. He was frowning, still working something through in his mind. When he realized she was watching him, he shook his head. "I just can't understand why…" He trailed off.

"Why what?"

"Why couldn't they just leave you alone?"

She suddenly got an image in her head of a statue of the Virgin Mary, perfect and polished with a smile frozen in stone, locked in time. Her sight blurred. "What, so I could stay this perfect person in your perfect little memories?" Rage nearly choked her as she forced herself to stare him down. "That isn't how it works, Kaidan. I was far from perfect, and it's high time you get me down from whatever fucking pedestal you had me on."

"Excuse me for wanting to remember you as you were."

"But I _wasn't_. I was never perfect, Kaidan. I made mistakes constantly. Look at Eden Prime." Water. She felt water around her ankles, cool and inviting, as she stood on a sandy shore and looked into the brown eyes of her friend for the last time. Shepard closed her eyes against the memory, wanting to wash it away, but it wouldn't leave her, no matter how hard she tried. "Look at Virmire," she said, trying to sound as though it was just another casualty, but her voice broke.

"Virmire—" Kaidan suddenly stopped short, measuring his words. "Virmire wasn't your fault," he finally said, looking away. "Ash and I both knew the risks going in, and—"

"Virmire," Shepard interrupted, "was a reaction."

He narrowed his eyes. "What are you saying?"

She exhaled a breath, alarmed to discover she was shaking. "I'm saying that I am not that person. I can't be that person."

"Trust me, I get it. You're different." When she opened her mouth to respond, he just shook his head, shrugging simply. "No, you are. Whether they're controlling you or not, there is a huge part of you that is not the same, and we both know it."

"I know you're angry, and I guess you have a right to be. But none of this has been easy for me." She looked into the fire again, letting the flames take her, letting them pull the words from her mouth. "I wake up and I'm back in the middle of things, just like I always was. And now... It's always Shepard, always me. There's always these people, tearing into me, taking little pieces. A settlement needs help here, someone's gone missing over here, and that's _good_, that's _right_, but sometimes I need help, and you…" She met his gaze. "You were the one who always understood that, the only one who never asked, never demanded anything from me. You were the one _I _could ask for help. That was what mattered, more than… more than anything."

Kaidan didn't say anything, just stared at her. It seemed like he didn't know what to say; he had finally run out of words. The silence grew between them, until Shepard was forced to realize how stupid she must have sounded to him, how desperate and pathetic it was to try and regain his affections. _I just want everything to be okay again._

Shepard just shook her head, wondering if she would ever cease making a fool out of herself. "I'm just very tired," she said quietly, her voice almost lost in the crackling of the flames.

"Then sleep," Kaidan finally said, his voice hoarse. His eyes were so dark, they seemed black. He nodded at her. "Sleep. I'll take the first watch."

Nothing had sounded better in that moment. For the first time since she had come back, she decided to take his advice, curling up into a ball on her side of the cave, letting the sound of the fire burn into her dreams like melting the edge of a photograph, faces distorting, until there was nothing left.

* * *

It was a blur, all red lights and guns firing, but soon it was over, Shepard caked in a haze of dust and debris, Saren dead - _really_ dead - on the ground below her. It was over.

She shot him twice more in the head for good measure. "Stupid - son of a bitch -" she panted, shaking her hair out of her face. "So much for upgrades, you - bastard -" She fired three more times.

Tali inched forward. "Commander, I think that's..."

Shepard fired once more, emptying what was left of the clip.

"...enough," Tali mumbled, putting her own weapons away.

The Tower was a mess, fires crackling, chunks of walls spread out across the ground, and glass everywhere. The fountains Kaidan had once admired were broken, water leaking futilely. And in the middle of it all was Commander Shepard, unofficial savior of humanity.

Kaidan couldn't believe they'd made it as far as they had, couldn't believe they'd seen so many things. The Reapers were real: Sovereign had confirmed that back on Virmire, and so had Vigil on Ilos. The most dangerous threat in the galaxy had been realized, was coming to fruition, and although they may not have stopped it entirely, they had just bought some valuable time.

He stared at Shepard, his commanding officer, his friend. She'd led them into hell and back, and even now, she was sure, strong, unwavering. There was no one else he'd rather share the experience with, no other soldier he'd rather serve under, no other woman he'd rather love.

She slid her pistol back into its holster at her hip, standing up straight and taking a deep breath. "Okay. Is everyone alive?"

"Yep," Tali said happily.

Shepard nodded. Wearily, she gestured for them to follow her back to the Council's chamber. Through the massive window behind the dais, Kaidan could see the fight still going on with Sovereign - the Reaper fired one of its lasers, and a ship exploded, one of their own, raining debris on the Presidium. The ground shook beneath their feet, embers floating through the sky. He wondered how many men and women had just lost their lives, the thought chilling him.

"Holy shit," Shepard said, as the ground shook again. She staggered slightly, reaching for her stomach with one hand. He saw the wince on her face, and the chill in him spread.

"Hey, what about you?" Kaidan asked, taking a step forward, reaching for her. "Are you okay?"

She waved him away. "It's fine, I'm…" She trailed off, cocking her head to listen. She was still tapped in to all the Citadel's channels, including communications; she had access to everything. She frowned, listening intently.

"Commander?"

She held up a hand, silencing him. Her omni-tool blazed to life, brow furrowed as she focused in on whatever she was listening to. Suddenly, her head snapped up; her green eyes reflected the sky outside as she stared up and out the window. Tali and Kaidan both followed her gaze, just seconds before a massive eruption burst in the sky, lighting up all of their faces, the sound reaching them colossal. From behind them, something crashed to the floor; Tali stumbled and fell.

In a cloud of red electricity, Sovereign was falling, breaking apart, raining down. Kaidan tore his eyes away, looking over at Shepard: She was helping Tali back to her feet, pushing her away, towards the stairs leading down. He frowned. What was she-

Her gaze met his, face white with panic. _"__Go!" _she screamed.

Kaidan had just the briefest second to look out the window, to see the enormous piece of the Reaper falling straight towards the Tower, straight towards them, before his instincts kicked into gear, and he was running, Tali at his side, the two of them racing away down the steps, leaping over rocks and broken walls, desperate to get out of the line of fire, to avoid being crushed, to make it down the stairs where they'd be safe, Shepard right behind them, Shepard _right_ behind them-

There was a blast, glass exploding, falling everywhere, and a thundering crash and screech as the part of the Reaper fell into the Tower, destroying the Council's chambers. The impact rocked Kaidan from heels to hips, and his knees buckled. Tali fell, too, both of them flying forwards.

When Kaidan woke, it was to Anderson lightly slapping his face. Everything hurt and he was disoriented, wondering why Anderson was in his bedroom and hitting him. When the captain helped him sit up, however, he got a good look around and he remembered everything in a flash, pain radiating through him in a wave of heat. He held a hand to his head, groaning.

Beside him was Tali. There was a puncture in her suit, and she must have already been feeling ill, judging by her weak protestations as she waved away the hands of the soldiers trying to help her.

"Tali, what's going on?" Kaidan asked.

"Kaidan! Oh, finally, you're awake. They're trying to take me but – no, get your hands off me, you bosh'tet – you have to find Shepard!"

An ice cube slid down his spine. "Shepard?"

"They can't find her, Kaidan, she—she might have been caught in the blast, I—" She didn't finish; they had injected her with something and she went limp in their arms.

Kaidan looked over at Anderson. "Where is she?"

Anderson looked away. "We…we don't know, Lieutenant. If we had a team to excavate, we might be able to look, but as of right now, the Commander is missing and…presumed dead."

"No," Kaidan mumbled, shaking his head. "No, no, _no_, that's not right, that can't be. She was right behind us, Captain, _right _behind us!"

Anderson placed his hand on Kaidan's shoulder. "Alenko, I am so sorry."

Kaidan shook the hand off, struggling to his feet. One of the soldiers went to grab him, to support him, but he held a hand out to keep them away. "Shepard!" he shouted hoarsely, his throat raw. He stepped away from everyone else, limping towards the debris. Before him was the piece of Reaper, wires spilling all over the floor, hissing and crackling with electricity. Glass was everywhere, crunching underfoot, coating the ruined floor in a glittering haze. He stepped gingerly through it like it was a minefield, coughing every now and again, straining to see.

"Kaidan, she—"

"Shepard!" There was no answer. Kaidan kept going, tripping over some stones and nearly falling. "Alex! Alex, can you hear me?"

"Give it up, Alenko," one of the other soldiers said. "She's gone. Now come on, we need to get you and the quarian out of here."

Kaidan stood still, hands clenched at his sides. She couldn't be because she had been right behind them. The universe didn't work like that, it didn't hand him the things - the people - that he loved, and then just tear them away from him when they might have had a chance; it just couldn't work like that. He couldn't believe she was gone, because that would be too cruel to them, not enough time—

_But who said the universe was good?_

His shoulders slumped, a dull ache moving from his chest and outward. He had just turned to go when he heard it. He froze.

"Lieutenant, I don't see—"

"Shut up, I heard something!" Kaidan took a step towards a piece of the Tower, listening intently. "Alex?"

And there it was again, shining gold in his ears, sending relief spinning through him: a tiny cough. He broke out into a grin. "Alex? Shepard, where are you?"

Another cough, before a whispered, "Here…"

"Captain, I found her, she's over here!"

Deciding against jumping around like a joyful idiot (since it would hurt too much if he did anyway), he hobbled over to where he could hear her hacking coughs from the other side of the rubble. Her right leg was trapped under a piece of metal, one of her arms bent at a funny angle. A single line of blood ran from her temple to her chin. She was gritting her teeth in pain when he neared her, but when she saw his face, she smiled.

"I have never been happier to see you in all my life, Kaidan."

He knelt down next to her, even as his own body seethed in protest, but he didn't care, because she was alive and she was going to be just fine. He leaned down close. "You scared the hell out of me," he whispered.

"Good. Keeps you on your toes." She leaned up, planting a fierce kiss on his lips.

He was the first one to break away at the sound of footsteps. She grinned at him knowingly, holding onto his arm, even as Anderson hurried over and the two of them made jokes, like they were in the most normal of situations. She kept her hand on Kaidan the entire time, even when she was screaming as they moved the metal off of her, even as they set her arm and even as he volunteered to carry her away.

He watched her as he did, following Anderson and the others out, into the blazing Citadel covered in the remains of a Reaper. She looked up at him, smiling in a loopy way. The soldiers with Anderson had administered some medication to help dull her pain while they got her to the hospital, and it seemed to be taking effect already.

"What?" Kaidan asked, unable to help himself.

"I kind of love you," she said, just before passing out.

* * *

He knew he could have picked any time to have the discussion, but it had to be then, all because of what she said.

It was mid-morning, and they had decided to go for a hike. Reese was napping in the hammock they'd strung up between two trees, a beer tipping slightly in his loose grasp, his hat covering his face. Shepard had suggested somewhere down by the water, saying something about natural wildlife and the way it looked when the sun hit it, so they decided to follow her plan. They were always following her plans. They walked for half an hour, Garrus talking the entire time about how strange Earth was, and how all of the water unnerved him, but Shepard just laughed off his concern, saying he would be fine as long as he didn't get too close. He looked leery regardless of her attempt at comforting words.

When they broke through the treeline at a curve of the inlet, it was to the bright sunshine of a summer day. The sun was indeed sparkling off the water in flecks so bright that Kaidan had to look away. The trees surrounding them were a deep, dark green, and the sky was a pale blue, reflected across the surface of the water. The shore was pebbly and gray, old branches piled high in places, the remnants of trees long gone, and a number of rocks rose up out of the water near them, the largest flat as a plateau and stretching far out away from them.

Shepard let out a gasp of delight. "It's gorgeous," she said softly, tucking some wayward strands of her hair behind her ear. She had let it grow out a little during her time off, and it was just long enough for a small ponytail. Kaidan thought she looked cute, and he wanted to kiss her smiling mouth, but didn't want to do it in front of Garrus.

Ever since Ilos and afterwards, at the Battle of the Citadel, Kaidan couldn't get Shepard out of his head. He'd been running on adrenaline and senseless need the night before he thought they were both going to die, and had said a lot of things in the heat of the moment that he couldn't remember later, though he often tried. But after Saren, after Sovereign, he'd been the one to find Shepard, and even though he couldn't quite remember the oaths and pledges he'd spun her in the middle of the night, he certainly remembered what she had said to him when he found her. In all the rush of the two of them going to the hospital and the Citadel struggling to rebuild, they hadn't had a chance to talk about it, and had barely gotten to see each other at all except for the few times he had visited her in the hospital.

But now they had a blissful week all to themselves, and with the vacation nearly over, Kaidan knew it was now or never to talk about what had happened between them – and what he still wanted to happen between them.

As if he sensed Kaidan's desire to talk alone, Garrus suddenly veered off towards the shore. "Look at that rock," he said, pointing. "Look how far out it goes into the water!" He headed straight for it.

Shepard followed his gaze, her smile widening. "Ooh, we could have lunch up there! Look how flat it is." She took two steps forward, before Kaidan grabbed her arm.

"Shepard, wait."

She peered at him curiously. "Hm?"

"I wanted to talk to you."

Her brow furrowed slightly. "About what?"

"About… Well, about us."

Shepard looked over her shoulder, back at Garrus, before turning to him. "You want to talk _now_?"

"When should we talk? Ever since what happened on the Citadel, you and I have barely gotten a minute alone, and after this we'll go straight back to work, like we always do."

Shepard sighed. "Yeah, I know, and I wish we had more time, but I just…" She suddenly shook her head. "No, you're right. I have a meeting with the Council in a week and a half after I go visit my dad, most likely for our next assignment, so okay." She met his gaze. "Let's talk, then."

He hadn't expected it to go that easy, and was momentarily lost for words. He quickly assembled the questions at the forefront of his mind. "What are we—I mean, what is this? Me and you."

Garrus was climbing the rock behind her, and Kaidan focused on him for all of one second before staring intently at her face, waiting for her reaction. She looked uneasy, almost uncomfortable, rolling her shoulders.

Her words were not what he was looking for. "We're friends, Kaidan. You're my best friend."

"Yeah, but…come on, Shepard, we aren't _just_ friends." He said it as firmly as he could, because he felt it every day when he looked at her, but it still came out sounding like a question, because he was asking, daring to hope that he might be right. _Tell me I'm right._

Her cheeks suddenly reddened, and he could tell she was thinking of the night before Ilos, just like he was, remembering the way it felt to be dying just for one night. She took a step towards him, lowering her voice. "Look, I… I don't know what to say here, other than you mean the world to me, more than anybody else, and I don't want to lose you."

"So? Shepard, that's—"

"—exactly what will happen if anybody finds out about us." She looked up at him. "Listen, what happened before Ilos… We thought we were going to die. We thought we were out of time."

The words came out before he could think them through."So you're saying it wouldn't have happened," he said flatly, expression blank.

"No, no, no! I'm saying that we thought we had no more time left, no more life for the two of us to spend together. So we jumped ahead a few steps, and did something that, strictly speaking, we probably shouldn't have." Her voice grew even softer, as she smiled slightly. "And you said all those things, those wonderful, amazing things, and it was perfect. But I never thought that would happen, not now. I mean, yes, later in our lives. But not then. Not now."

"You told me you loved me."

"So did you." When she looked at him, her eyes were troubled. "But I'm your superior officer, Kaidan. If anyone found out, we'd both be fucked, and I don't want that on my conscience."

"Nobody would have to find out." He was almost surprised to hear the words come out of his mouth, but completely unsurprised at the joy ravaging his system, turning his thoughts to babbling nonsense. _She felt the same!_ He wanted to run and scream and shout and splash through the water, because she loved him, and he loved her, and they just might have a future together… if she would quit breaking his heart.

Shepard shook her head. "Kaidan, are you even hearing yourself? Do you even know who I am? People are always talking about me, always watching me. And my mother—don't even get me started on her. She has spies everywhere."

"Oh, come on," Kaidan said, laughing. He knew Shepard's mother was protective and stern, but spies?

"It's not funny. We'd never be able to hide it, not on the _Normandy_, not anywhere. Joker already knows; think of how quickly everybody else would find out." She shuddered. "No, we can't."

"We managed to hide it before," Kaidan pointed out, both annoyed and ashamed of how desperate she was making him feel. For the first time in a long time, he'd found something good, something worth living for, and he'd already almost lost her more than once. He wanted to hold onto her, wanted to keep her and cherish her for the rest of her days, but it seemed the universe was determined to stand in his way.

"What, Ilos? That was one night."

"I don't mean Ilos, I mean before."

Shepard sighed. "Kaidan, look, I'm sorry, but—"

He suddenly grabbed her by the arms and crushed his lips against hers, swallowing whatever she'd been about to say. He forgot about Garrus, forgot about Reese, forgot about the lives they had waiting for them away from Earth, forgot about everything but the way she tensed for half a second before relaxing perfectly in his arms, the press of her lips the only thing he wanted to think about. She parted her lips for him and her arms wound around him, her fingers playing over the hair at the base of his neck when—

There was a yelp and a splash from beyond them.

Shepard pushed him away roughly, her lips kiss-reddened and her cheeks blazing. Strands of her hair had fallen into her eyes again, as she spun towards the shore. "Garrus?"

The only answer was more vigorous splashing, and the gargling sounds of choking. Kaidan couldn't see the turian anywhere. She ran.

Kaidan was right behind her, but he wasn't as fast as her, and she got to the shore before him, leaping into the water. Garrus was further out; he seemed to have fallen from the top of the rock where he'd been climbing. Shepard swam hard to reach him, ducking under several times so Kaidan couldn't see her. He stooped down, unlacing his boots.

By the time he was in the water as well, Shepard had already reached Garrus and was struggling to keep them both afloat. It didn't help that Garrus was in full-on panic mode, thrashing around like a fish, his instincts kicking into gear. "Garrus!" Shepard was shouting, but every now and again he would accidentally dunk her under, and she would swallow a mouthful of water and whatever else she had been about to say, coming back up to choke and cough out water, before being shoved back down again by the turian trying to climb on her like an island. Kaidan swam out to them as fast as he could. The first thing he did was smack Garrus upside the back of his head.

"Garrus, you need to calm down. You're drowning Shepard."

Garrus reached out an arm, almost desperately throwing himself at Kaidan. His eyes were wide. "I…We…don't do this. Turians."

"Yeah, I know. Come on." Kaidan arranged one of Garrus' arms around his shoulders, the other around Shepard's. "We'll swim you back to shore, but you _can't panic_. Okay?"

Garrus was still looking at the water with trepidation, kicking his legs spasmodically.

Shepard lightly touched his neck with her wet hand. "Garrus."

He stopped, looking over at Shepard. "Yeah?"

"We've got you. Hang on."

It wasn't easy, and it took a couple of stops and starts, but they eventually got Garrus moving, the three of them paddling for the shore. As soon as their feet touched the sandy bottom, relief spread throughout Kaidan's body and he allowed himself to relax, as they both let go of Garrus and dragged themselves over the pebbles and gray sand to solid ground.

They laid there for a long time, just breathing, waiting for their clothes to lose that damp sticky feeling, and for the beads of water to soak into their skin.

Shepard was the first to speak. "Maybe we should just have lunch back at camp."

Kaidan and Garrus murmured their assent.

There was another brief pause, before she spoke again. "Also, since it seems more and more likely every day that my crew will kill me before any Reapers do, I feel the need to live dangerously. So Garrus, I have something to tell you. Before you or someone else actually kills me next time, and it never sees the light of day."

Garrus sat up, leaning on his elbows. "Uh, should I be nervous?"

"Only if you suddenly decide to rat us out to our superiors." She took a deep breath. "I'm in love with Kaidan. And I'm pretty sure he's in love with me too."

When Garrus looked at him, Kaidan nodded. He knew he should have felt scared, but instead, he just felt a giddy exhilaration, like he had just gone for a ride on a motorcycle, the wind in his hair like, he had when he was younger. There was nothing else like this feeling, nothing else it could even compare to. _I'm in love with Shepard._

Garrus laid back down, arms folded beneath his head. Kaidan couldn't be sure, but he thought the turian was smirking. "Yeah," he said smugly after a moment. "I know."

Shepard looked over at him, surprised. "You know?"

"Yeah. I know. And do _you_ know what's best about all this?"

"What?"

"Joker owes me fifty credits."

There was a brief beat of silence, before they all began laughing. It seemed as if they might stop, before they would look at each other and start all over again. Their lives were weird, their lives were dangerous, and chances were they always would be, but it was nice to know that some things would never change. When Kaidan looked over at Shepard, her brilliant green eyes met his, and she reached over, entwining her fingers with his.


	14. When Anger Shows

**Thanks so much for all the great reviews and all the new follows! You are all wonderful :)**

* * *

_These thoughts I must not think of,_

_dreams I can't make sense of_

_I need you to tell me it's okay_

-Editors

* * *

A hand cupped the back of her neck, raising her up from the mattress to kiss her deeply, to swallow her breathless gasps, a tongue playing over her bottom lip. She wrapped her legs around a muscular waist, one hand gripping a smooth forearm, the other clenching the sheets so tightly, her fingers ached, but she didn't even feel the pain; all she felt was him.

She knew it was a dream, knew in the back of her mind that this couldn't be real, but that didn't stop her from wanting it, didn't stop her from wanting to give in.

Shepard rolled over, already pulling away from the dream, her mind and body separating. She woke slowly to the feel of a hand on her arm. When she opened her eyes, it was to the sight of Kaidan leaning over her. It was dark in the cave, the fire burned down to barely-there embers, making shadows dance across his face. She couldn't help the way her breath hitched when she looked at him. The dream was still there, still fresh in her mind, the things she'd felt still clinging around her edges.

"Kaidan." She hadn't meant to, but her voice was breathless. She cleared her throat, sitting up slightly. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing's _wrong_, I…" He paused, looking away almost helplessly before he quietly cleared his throat and started again. "The scrubbers."

She frowned, still sleepy, still confused. "What?"

"The CO2 scrubbers. In Tali's suit. Something was wrong with them; they weren't working properly because she had been tweaking her suit. By the time she got them fixed up, we had already come back and she needed to go home."

She almost asked him what the hell he was talking about, before she remembered the camping trip, and what she had told him earlier. "Right, yeah, of course." She suddenly looked at him, really _looked_. He looked tired, and she didn't blame him; he'd been sitting up awake, left to stew while she slept. But maybe that was good. Maybe that was why she could see some sort of reconciliation in his eyes. "You remember."

He barely nodded. "I remember."

She didn't know what it meant, if it meant anything. Maybe it wasn't even a peace offering, just an acknowledgment of old times, the times that had made them so good together. Maybe it was nothing at all. Still, there was that dream, those memories, and she couldn't help herself in that moment; she didn't even want to.

Slowly, so slowly that it felt like someone else moving instead of her, she propped herself up on her elbows, bringing her face to within an inch of his. Kaidan didn't back away. Instead, his eyes dropped to her lips, and she suddenly had a memory, something that she'd almost forgotten, a time just like this.

* * *

There was nothing like being grounded to remind Shepard why she hated politics.

"God dammit," Shepard muttered, kneeling in front of her locker to punch in the code. She was so angry, her hands were shaking. "One of these days, I swear, I am going to fucking—"

"Commander?"

She punched in the wrong number, and the locker beeped at her. She punched the locker, in the exact same place she had after Eden Prime. If it was even possible, it dented further in the shape of her fist. She spun around, leaning her back against it and sliding all the way to the floor. Kaidan was standing there, looking slightly apprehensive.

"You all right?"

She gave a noncommittal shrug.

"Look, I'm sure there's a way to appeal. We're under Alliance authority, after all, not the Council."

She leaned her head back, closing her eyes. She took a deep breath, trying to muster a feeling of calm, though she felt far from it. "Official channels are closed. They were quite fucking clear about that."

"Closed. And we're supposed to accept that?" Kaidan scoffed. "So what do you think the best view will be when the Reapers roll through? If we have to sit it out, we may as well get a good seat."

"Hm, cynicism, from you? I would never have guessed. Sounds to me like you've been hanging around Joker too much." She cracked an eye open at him. "But I know how you feel. I just don't understand where they get off. It's always the same bullshit, over and over again."

"What do you think your mom would say?"

She shot him a sharp look. "My mom? Shit. She'd say…" She bit her lip, thinking. "We're out of the game for now, but we need to keep our cool and try to find a way around this, figure out our options. We can't give up yet." She looked up at him, wondering if she could follow that advice. "I need you to be there while I figure things out."

"There?"

"Here," she corrected. "Right here."

Kaidan nodded. "You know you can count on me, or any of the crew, Commander."

"Yeah, but I'm not asking the rest of the crew." She looked him directly in the eyes. "I'm asking you."

Kaidan looked at her, narrowing his eyes. "What _are_ you asking me, Shepard?"

What _was_ she asking him? They'd been together the last few months on that ship, the two of them working together, building up an easy friendship that she took solace in. Over time, she had realized just how easy it was to talk to him, and how she could tell him just about anything. Over time, though, something had changed, some new development shifting them into some other territory, starting with the night they'd gone out for her birthday, and continuing on the ship. It wasn't something spoken so much as it was the little things: A touch here, a glance there, an inside joke that only they were a part of. With all of that, she wasn't really sure what they were - or if she was even right about the new feelings between them.

"Look, I can get a salute from anyone on this ship. That's not what I want from you. You're my friend, Kaidan, and sometimes I need a shoulder. So I'm asking you," she said slowly, "to tell me everything will work out, that it'll be okay. And I don't even care if you're lying, I just need to hear it." She paused. "Please."

Kaidan nodded. "All right. Everything's gonna be fine, Shepard. You'll figure it out, like you always do, and we're gonna be okay. Like we always are."

She breathed a little easier. With Kaidan around, a part of her just knew that she would be able to do it, that she could work it through and figure out what to do. He had faith in her, unshakable, unwavering faith. It was about time she had some, too.

"Thanks."

Kaidan reached out a hand to help her up. She took it, clutching his hand tightly. He yanked her up, but it was too fast, catching her off balance, and she stumbled on her feet. Kaidan caught her, an arm sliding around her waist. She suddenly realized the precarious position they were both in, with his hand warm at the small of her back, and the other gripping her hand confidently. It reminded her all too much of her birthday, of the evening Kaidan had planned out for her so many months past. Her heart sped up, and she forced herself to look in his eyes. Her stomach flip-flopped. That one look was enough to give her the answers she wanted.

_Oh man, this is happening, isn't it?_

Kaidan looked like he wanted to pull away, but so far, he wasn't moving. His voice, when he spoke, was soft. "Shepard—"

She shushed him, placing her free hand flat against his chest. _Nothing is going to stop me from kissing you, not this time._ She leaned in at the same time he did, their lips about to touch, the feelings that she had finally about to be something real when—

"Sorry to uh, interrupt, Commander," Joker suddenly said overhead. "Got a message from Captain Anderson."

Kaidan still held her for a blissful second while their eyes met. Whatever moment had been there was gone now, and they both knew it. Slowly, every part of them loathing to do it, they pulled apart. Kaidan rubbed the back of his neck, looking away, while she glared up at the ceiling.

"You spying on us, Joker?"

"Me? Spying? I would never! I'm insulted you would even ask. I'm merely reporting a crucial piece of information from one military official to another. Ma'am."

"Well, what exactly _did_ he say that was so important?"

"He wants you to meet him at Flux. You know, the club down in the Wards?"

"Yes, I know. Thank you."

"Yeah." Joker's voice vanished, and the two of them were suddenly alone again, but it wasn't the same and it made Shepard unbelievably angry. It seemed like everything made her angry.

Still, she looked at Kaidan. "I'm sorry."

He just nodded. "You'd better go, I guess."

"Kaidan—"

"You don't want to keep Anderson waiting." He was already turning away.

_To hell with Anderson. _"Hey," she said loudly, crossing the distance between them. He turned back around to face her, and she pointed her finger in his face. "I am _done_ not doing things in my life and regretting it later. Remember that whole Reaper threat? We could _die_. So I'm going to do everything I can to make sure all of this bullshit is worth it. So you know what?" She grabbed a fistful of his shirt, yanking him down to her, crushing their lips together. His hands cupped the sides of her head, nearly bending her backwards in an effort to pull her closer. She touched his tongue with hers, wanting to forget everything and let go, wanting just to stay there with him, to touch him and taste him and feel every part of him.

Her fingernails pricked the skin of his chest through his shirt, but he didn't pull away, not until she did. She backed away, looking at him with a darkness in her green eyes. Her bottom lip was swollen, her cheeks flushed. Neither of them said anything, just stood there breathing, watching one another, like animals on either side of a cage. She reached up to rub her thumb along her bottom lip, before she turned on one heel and was gone.

_To hell with dying. _

* * *

Shepard reached up to touch his face, but froze in mid-air. She wanted nothing more than to touch him, but it wasn't right anymore, was it? Again, just like they had two years ago, the feelings stretching between them had changed. Slowly, one by one, she curled her fingers back against her palm, lowering her arm.

"I'll take over for you," she said. "Get some sleep."

Kaidan watched her for a long moment, before nodding. He retreated further back into the cave, while she sat up, ruffling her hair. Her heartbeat echoed in her ears, reminding her all over again of what they'd lost, and just how close she'd come to total insanity.

She ate some of the varren, though the meat had lost some of its taste and dried out. Wrapping her arms around herself, she sat at the mouth of the cave, listening to the rain stop and start and peter off and shower down. She had never realized before just how many different sounds and textures rain had, and it seemed there, on that horrible jungle planet, she found them all. Maybe it wasn't so bad after all.

Or, so she thought for the first hour or so. After that, it was all downhill. She almost regretted letting Kaidan sleep, wishing she could have milked it for longer, because now she was left alone with just her thoughts, and that was the worst place for her to be. It was like the night before they'd been stranded back on the _Normandy, _the night that not even liquor could change. Her mind was too full, dozens of voices clamoring to be heard, voices of people she knew, people she'd seen die, people she'd never met before. Some whispered, some screamed, and everything was noise, everything was a mess. She closed her eyes, holding her hands over her ears and rocking back and forth but it didn't help.

She was still tired but she didn't fall back to sleep. She made up games in her head, trying to guess what voice belonged to who, mapping out conversations she might have with her parents when they found out she was alive, pretending she was someone else. Her legs cramped after a while and she went outside, pacing in front of the opening, gathering more fire wood, stretching, doing exercises to keep herself alert, but it only made her feel worse. Was that all she was nowadays, a soldier, a robot who could no longer stand to be with anyone, much less by herself? Even more so than she had before, she felt like she was merely going through the motions, performing what was on the script, doing everything as she was supposed to.

_And maybe that's what Cerberus wanted all along._

The thought horrified her so much that she gathered up her firewood and went back in to the cave, building the fire back up. She spent the rest of the watch sitting with her back to it, leaning her head against the cave wall, the fire so warm even from a distance that she felt like she was burning.

Kaidan woke up when the sky lightened to a dismal grey. It had stopped raining sometime before that, but Shepard had long since stopped paying attention, though by now, she could recognize the weather outside and how bad it might be by the mere sound of the raindrops. He ate in silence, the two of them facing opposite ends of the cave. It felt so surreal that Shepard wondered if the night before had even happened.

Finally, Kaidan spoke. "So now what?"

She didn't turn around. "What do you mean?"

"Okay, so we found this cave. But this varren is eventually going to rot, probably before we can eat it all, and then what?"

"Well hopefully by then we'll be rescued."

"_Hopefully_, sure. But what if we aren't?"

Shepard turned around, looking at him with a heavy sigh. "I really don't know, okay? Did you ever think that it might be possible that _the great_ fucking Commander Shepard doesn't know something every now and again? I'm just as lost as you."

Kaidan didn't respond; he just looked at her, his gaze searching her face. Finally, his eyes stopped somewhere to the left of her forehead. "The stars are gone."

Shepard frowned. "Excuse me?"

"The stars. On your face. They're gone."

"Well, yeah, it was raining."

They both fell silent again. A small part of her felt bad for what she'd said. He was just trying to consider all of their options, and she'd bitten his head off. True, they hadn't exactly been the most civil of people since Horizon, but she herself had said they needed to work together, and it wasn't just going to magically happen if only one of them was willing to put forth the effort.

"Look, Kaidan, I—"

Her comm link beeped in her ear, filling up with white noise. "_SSV Normandy_ to Commander Shepard. Come in, Commander Shepard."

She suddenly leaped to her feet, fingers flying to her earpiece to reply. "It's me, Joker, holy shit! You nearly gave me a heart attack."

Kaidan looked up at her from his seat on the floor. "Comms working again?"

She nodded, listening as Joker replied. "Oh man, am I glad to hear from you. We were all so worried that you might have been dead, again, while EDI got communications up to speed. How are things? You all right?"

Suddenly, she remember clearly who had put them in that situation in the first place. A tidal wave of feelings rose from her stomach to her chest, and she suddenly glared, her hands trembling again. "Are we all right? Is that what you're asking, Joker, _are we all right_?"

"Well, yeah—"

"We'd be perfectly _fine_ if we were back on the fucking _Normandy_!"

"Commander—"

"You did this, didn't you? You and those fucking engineers?"

Joker sighed in her ear. "Yeah, I got them to help me. But look, it was for—"

"If your next sentence has the word 'good' in it, I'm going to break both of your legs when we get back. Maybe your arms too."

"Come on, Shepard, I was trying to help you!"

"Well guess what? Now you can help us by getting us the hell off this goddamn planet!"

"Ask him where we are," Kaidan piped up, getting to his feet. When she shot him a glare, he shrugged. "I want to know."

"Where are we, anyway?"

"You're on Pragia."

"Pragia? What…" _Why does that sound familiar?_ "Well, it doesn't matter. Come get us."

"Can't."

Shepard paused. When she spoke again, her voice was surprisingly eerily calm. A sort of mist had descended over her, and all she felt was cold, so cold. "What?"

"We can't, Commander. We don't really know what happened, but we do know that Damien never came back with the shuttle like I told him to, and the communications were down. That's it."

Damien. The shuttle. Of course. The entire reason the _Normandy_ adopted a shuttle was because the new SR-2 couldn't handle entering many planetary atmospheres, not with its upgraded mass. And if it was down there with them, crashed…

"Damien's dead," she said flatly. "We crashed."

Joker was quiet for a minute, before swearing. "I had a feeling, but I'd hoped—Well, that doesn't matter now. Are you three all right, at least?"

Shepard frowned. "Three? Joker, I just told you, Damien's dead."

"Not Damien. Jack."

Shepard looked over at Kaidan. He just shook his head, questioning. "Joker, Jack's not here," she said slowly, but some little light flickered in the back of her mind. _Pragia. Jack wanted to go to Pragia..._

"She isn't?"

"What exactly is going on?"

"She went with you once she found out we were heading to Pragia. I guess she figured she could blow up that old Cerberus base where she was kept when she was a kid. Donnelly and Daniels were too scared of her to tell her no, and they confirmed that she left with you. But she's not with you now?"

"No, we haven't seen her. But she…" Shepard was about to say Jack should have said something, should have made her presence known. _But she had_. "Oh my god, the stars."

"What now?"

"I woke up with stars drawn on my face. Three stars."

"Stars? But..." Joker trailed off for just a moment before he returned, sounding determined. "What did they look like?"

"Uh. The middle one was bigger than the two on either side."

"That…that sounds like Elizabeth II."

Shepard wrinkled her nose. "The queen?"

"Not in the flesh or anything, no, considering she's probably dust. So you obviously know your history - she was some famous Queen of England like two hundred years ago, blah blah blah. This star cluster was found around seventy years ago, discovered by British scientists, and it looked like a crown so they named it Elizabeth II. Hang on." He was silent for a few minutes before returning. "Okay, according to EDI it's usually located in the western sky around this time of year."

"So what, Jack was trying to tell me which way she'd be going?" Shepard didn't bother saying that if Jack had really wanted to tell her anything, she would have stuck around instead of running off without them.

"Looks like it, since that Cerberus base is about fifteen clicks northwest of you. Surprising, since the shuttle was closer to it. What are you guys doing out there?"

Shepard thought of how they'd woken away from the shuttle, and how they'd wandered in the storm. "Long story. But this is great, really, just fucking wonderful." She ran a hand through her hair. "Look, how are we going to get out of here?"

"Well, that's another thing. EDI completed some scans and—" Joker's voice cut through with static. "We think—found—ships—you could—"

"Hey, you're cutting out. Repeat, _Normandy_."

When Joker spoke again, his voice was all garbled static, and she couldn't understand a single word. A high whining sound had filled her ear; she winced.

_"Normandy_, your signal is breaking up." She thought of some of the times she'd been dropped on planets, left to fend for herself with nothing but four equally inexperienced soldiers to help and protect her. _We can do this._ "Okay, we're heading to the Ceberus base, and we'll try to contact you from there. I repeat, we are leaving and will try to contact you there. Shepard out."

The earpiece had long since stopped broadcasting, but she had to hope he'd heard at least some of what she'd said, and that he knew what she was planning to do.

"So what exactly is going on?" Kaidan asked, standing up.

Shepard relayed the information to him as quickly as possible, though she was feeling unstable. She felt as if she was standing on a knife's edge, about to tip, and either way, she'd fall into something terrible. This wasn't the way she had wanted things to be at all, but now it was how they were, and she had to accept them and adapt. If only doing so was as easy as thinking about it.

"So we need to make our way over to the Cerberus base to find Jack. The hope is that she's got all the supplies from the shuttle and that there's at least some definite shelter and possibly even better communications over there. Any questions?"

"Yeah. Did Joker admit to being the one behind this?"

Shepard reminded herself to save her ammo for when she really needed it, not to waste it on stupid questions. "Yes. But I could be lying, couldn't I?" When Kaidan didn't answer, she shook her head, disgusted. "I'm going to carve up some more of this varren, and we'll take as much as we can carry. Is everything clear to you?"

He just nodded.

"Great. Let's go."

* * *

"EDI, what's going on?" Joker asked, trying to keep the panic out of his voice, but feeling like he was failing, at that and at all of this. _Why did I think we could do this, again?_

"What the hell happened?" Garrus asked, striding into the cockpit. "I thought I told you to let me know when anything happened."

"I _did_, but it was over so fast, I just—"

"_What happened_?" Garrus repeated, turning on EDI's sphere with a severe look. "Talk to us, EDI."

"There is nothing wrong with the _Normandy_'s communications. The interference came from Shepard's end."

"Wait." Garrus frowned. "Something on Pragia?"

"Yes. It seems that someone has erected a signal jammer."

Joker hit the arm of his chair with one closed fist. "The other ships! They have to have had something to do with this. I tried telling Shepard about them, but she cut out."

"What? What about them?" Garrus asked. "What do you know?"

"EDI scanned the planet and found a lot of downed ships, nearly a dozen. Most of them are defunct, but a couple of others, they were still up and running. And if the rumors about Pragia are true, then—"

"What rumors?"

"It's out of the way and dangerous, so hardly any officials are ever around. A lot of pirates and mercs go to ground there and hole up, divvying their loot or whatever it is people like that do. Some of those other ships were probably shot down by the mercs, and now they use them for spare parts or something." Joker readjusted the hat on his head, feeling more frustrated and annoyed than ever. "Dammit! I wanted to warn Shepard that they may run into trouble, and now—"

"Where are they? Do you know?"

Joker hesitated.

"Joker, if you know where they are—"

"I tried to tell her, okay? But I wasn't fast enough. How was I supposed to know they'd have a signal jammer?"

"Where are the ships?"

Joker sighed. "In between Shepard's position and the Cerberus base."

Garrus swore loudly and colorfully, resuming his pacing. He turned towards the bridge, almost like he was going to walk out, but he swiftly pivoted on one foot and came back into the cockpit, looking angrier than Joker had ever seen him. "You realize this means she'll be running blind into a firefight trying to get to that base." He threw his arms up. "Congratulations, Jeff, you've just killed Commander Shepard!"

"Hey!" Joker shouted, spinning in his chair, jabbing a finger at Garrus. "You're not the only one who cares about her, you know. So quit acting like you have the monopoly on being scared shitless, and go find something to do that might actually help her."

Garrus opened his mouth as if to reply, before closing it again, falling silent the only sound the blipping of EDI behind them and the quiet conversations going on beyond in the CIC. Several people had turned to look towards the cockpit, but pretended to at least act like they were working, even if they would turn to glance at them every now and again. Joker could hear Kelly Chambers dictating orders out there; he focused on her voice, using the humming of the ship to steady himself while he took a deep breath.

Finally, Garrus lowered his arms and clenched his fingers into fists. "You're right," he said tersely, looking away. "I'll contact Liara. Maybe we can assemble a care package. You think if she sends it to us, you could get it close enough to drop into atmosphere?"

Joker nodded. "As long as it's not gift-wrapped."

Garrus nodded too. He was almost gone when Joker said his name. He stopped, looking back.

"We'll get her back."

Garrus mulled that over for a moment, before nodding again. "Yeah. Keep me posted."

"Will do."

Joker watched him leave, wondering just who else was going to end up losing something on this crazy gamble of his. He didn't want to dwell on it. Instead, he turned back to his terminal, to do what he knew best, while he waited patiently for the news that his commander, one of his best friends, was still alive and still fighting for the chance to come back to her ship, and the people on it who loved her.


	15. This Love (Will Be Your Downfall)

_Who are we to be emotional?_

_Who are we to play with hearts and throw away it all?_

_Who are we to turn each other's heads?_

-Ellie Goulding

* * *

They walked and sometimes it rained, sometimes it didn't, but mostly they walked, over hills and through labyrinths of trees and overwhelming plants trying to grab them, trying to drag them down, and they didn't talk because mostly they walked and walked and walked, and walked some more.

Several times, Shepard started to talk, but always stopped herself before any sound could leave her lips. Besides, what was there to talk about, anyway? The different types of rain that kept falling? The numerous classifications of foliage surrounding them? Which birds were likely to swoop down and pick at the remaining flesh on their bones after they died? Shepard almost snorted at that one, before remembering it wasn't funny, not really.

She kept thinking about the Cerberus base that Jack wanted to blow up, thinking how they would have been there already, if she wasn't who she was at the moment and they weren't caught in a bout of stupidity that neither of them seemed able to shake. The thoughts kept flashing through her mind as they trudged through winding vines and large leaves, through mud and sinkholes, through the wild. Had she been in better shape, _we would be there already_. Had this been an op and she was prepared in her armor, with her full arsenal of personal weapons, _we would be there already_. Had Kaidan been on her side and not just ignoring her, _we would be there already_. But instead, it was just the two of them, afraid to talk to each other in case it would start another fight, both of them dressed in muddy, torn clothes, wielding only standard-issue pistols, and with her ankle still aching, despite the medi-gel.

Every step made her more angry. If they weren't there in the mud and jungle of Pragia, if he would just cooperate, if it wasn't fucking raining, if if if. All that anger had to fade eventually, though. With nothing to do but walk, no other outlet for it, there was nowhere else for it to go; the energy took to burning away at her, converting inwards on itself, becoming a black hole. And in that black hole, there was only a blinding, heavy exhaustion that weighed her down even more with every passing minute, each step she took forward.

The voices returned.

_What if he's right?_

_What if you're not you?_

_What if this is all a plan...what if you belong to them, you're theirs, they're yours, you're not your own, you're nothing, nothing. _

She wanted to scream, but her voice was gone, hiding from the truth like the rest of her.

* * *

Ever since she had been in the hospital, along with dozens of others injured during the Battle of the Citadel, Kaidan had visited her nearly every day. Most days he spent helping out with the relief effort, whether it was helping rebuild homes in the Wards and the Presidium that had been damaged by debris and Sovereign's attacks, or distributing food and blankets to those who had suddenly found themselves without homes, he was there. Whenever he got a free moment away, though, he was in the hospital, sitting at Shepard's bedside, even though the last thing she needed was another visitor.

The first few days, they had to post two guards and a barrier to stop all of the grateful people wanting to pop in and thank the hero themselves. That wasn't even the worst of it. Dozens upon dozens of flower arrangements had arrived, much to the nurses' annoyance; flowers, as they repeated a multitude of times, were not allowed in the rooms due to the possibility of spreading infection or other problems to the patients. Shepard ended up giving them to the hospital staff or donating them to damaged parts of the Presidium, so when they were renewed, they would be just as lovely as before.

By the end of the first week, Shepard was a nightmare to be around. They had cut back her dosage of pain meds, so she was almost always awake, and as she liked to constantly tell Kaidan, bored, restless, and pissed off about these things. She had even yelled at him several times when he failed to entertain her; he took the dismissals easily, especially knowing that she didn't mean it, and that she did, in fact, love him.

The thought of those words still thrilled him and sent him whirling about in semi-disbelief. Some moments, he wondered if this had all been a dream, and if he was still stuck in that tower, dying of some head injury he had actually sustained. After all, his life had always been kind of a mess. Being born how he was, his parents had always tried their best, but they could only do so much, and being called a freak for his entire life...well, it didn't exactly bring about life-long friendships. He got in fights, more than he wanted to admit, and when they shipped him off to Jump Zero, he felt even worse about himself, abandoned and alone. With that place evolving into yet another shitstorm, he learned to accept that there just might not be a place for him, in this galaxy or the next.

So he dropped off the map. Spent some time running with the wrong people, burning up his insides with whatever drugs were popular at the time, doing whatever he needed to survive. He learned how to fight, learned how to use his powers the wrong way, and most importantly, learned how to forget, how to pretend that guilt and that hurt away until there was nothing left. The thing about pretending, though, was that someday you always had to wake up, and when Kaidan's eyes opened, they did it none too gently, showing him precisely the wreck he'd become. So he did the only thing he could do: he went home. Got clean. Decided to make something of his life. He wanted to make his parents proud, to use his powers for better things, so he enlisted.

All he'd ever wanted to find was something to devote himself to, something to give him the discipline it took to survive, something to fight for. Shepard was the same in her own way, following in the gilded footsteps left behind by her parents. Until he met her, he always kept his personal life, what little of it there was, separate from his working life. After all, he was a career man; he didn't really have time for that, not anymore, not after what happened the last time he had tried. So he stopped looking, stopped thinking it would ever happen.

But then he looked into a pair of vivid green eyes, and everything stopped, just for a moment. When it started up again, it was all brand-new and full of possibilities, despite the limitations set between them by who they were. That wasn't even what mattered to him, not in the end. What mattered was that she looked at him—really _looked_, seeing him unlike anyone else—and had seen a man. Not a marine, not a biotic, but a man. Through everything, that was what he held on to, savoring the most.

So for him to have her now, it was everything. To have the next month off, where he could just be Kaidan and she could be Alex, was perfect.

He knew that he had to take it slow, though. She had to get out of the hospital first.

On the last day of her week-long stay, Kaidan went to see her at lunchtime. He'd brought some of her favorite noodles from an asari joint in the Wards, knowing that would put her in a better mood, as if the idea of being released wouldn't do the trick already. He had just wanted it to be perfect.

As soon as he stepped into the hallway outside her room, however, he knew it was the wrong time. Voices were carrying from her room through the open door, and nurses scurried past, looking unsure and awkward. When he got near enough to hear clearly, he stopped, waiting outside, not wanting to listen but finding himself doing so anyway, too curious to leave and come back. It sounded like Shepard was having a discussion—not quite an argument, but not a casual conversation, either—with someone else, someone whose voice was plaintively female, and from what he could tell, altogether displeased.

"—and as I told you already, this was the one day I could come. I'm sorry that I can't be like everyone else's mother, or that I can't be like your father, but as you well know, _I_ have a career to maintain."

"Yeah, so do I. A career that nearly killed me."

"Oh, you aren't seriously complaining about _that_ again? You knew the risks when you enlisted, darling, I think you would have accepted them by now."

"I _have_, Mother. You would just think that, as your only child is in the hospital, you might come sooner."

Well, Kaidan thought, that explained the tension in the room.

There was a heavy sigh. "There's just no getting anywhere with you, is there?" There was a brief pause, before Shepard's mother went on. "Fine, since you're so intent on pouting, how are you feeling?"

"Good. Much better, actually. I'm getting out of here as soon as this stupid IV is finished."

"And you've already finished your release forms and whatnot?" Kaidan assumed Shepard nodded, because she didn't verbally reply. "And do you have a ride back to your apartment? You know you can't drive, not after just getting out of the hospital."

"Yes, I know. A friend is coming to pick me up. He should be here any minute."

There was a very pointed pause, one where even Kaidan felt his heart rate kick up and heat rush to his face. _God forbid I ever have to meet the lovely former Mrs. Shepard_.

"A friend? This wouldn't be that man you mentioned in your last message to me, would it? The one before you went to Ilos?" When Shepard made a somewhat shocked sound, her mother emitted a deep throaty chuckle. "Yes, at the time it was all quite confidential, wasn't it? Now, however, I've been filled in on all the details, and I must say, I'm quite surprised at you. I never would have pegged you for an insubordinate renegade."

"I'm not. I did what I had to do. Or would you rather I have just not gone to Ilos, and not found out about Sovereign, and not—"

"Oh, dispense with the melodrama, dear. Everyone is obviously very grateful for your little escapade, as am I. And don't change the subject. Who is this friend of yours, and what exactly is the nature of your relationship?"

"His name is Kaidan Alenko, and he serves on my ship. In my crew."

"He's a marine?"

"Yeah. Staff Lieutenant. Biotic, too." Shepard said it almost smugly; Kaidan could just picture her waiting for the reaction on her mother's face.

"And you're just friends?"

There was another silence, this one even longer than the last. Though he knew it probably wasn't the best time, his stomach did that flipping thing again, and he couldn't help but smile. She hadn't said no, but Shepard sure as hell hadn't said yes, either.

Something made a scraping sound, like a chair being pushed back. Footsteps filled the room, as someone began to pace. "Whether he was born with or without mental powers does not concern me, Alexandra. What concerns me is that you seem entirely too indifferent about the effect this could have on your career."

Shepard laughed. "Mom, I think _you're_ the one being a little melodramatic now."

"Why? Because I am the only one worried that you're about to make the biggest cock-up of your life? Alexandra, look at me! Are the two of you in a relationship?"

"No."

"But?"

"But..." She trailed off, and that was enough for Shepard's mother.

"Are you out of your mind? You're courting stupidity here! Do you want to be stripped of rank and dishonorably discharged? Is that what you want? Because it seems to me that you don't even care if someone finds you out or not. In fact, as an Alliance officer and your superior, I could report you myself!"

"You wouldn't." Though she hadn't phrased it as a question, Shepard didn't sound entirely sure.

"No, I wouldn't, but only because I couldn't bear the shame of having _you_ thrown out on your ass, after everything you've worked for—"

"Yes," Shepard said sarcastically, her voice raising. "And as we all know, it's always about you, Mother! God, for once in your life, can't you just let me make a decision for myself? I am twenty-nine years old, and you're still treating me like some unruly child you can't control! Well, maybe it's escaped your notice, but you can't control me. That isn't a parent's job."

"What would you know about being a parent? I sacrificed my livelihood for you, making sure you had everything you ever wanted, making sure you had the education I never had, and making sure that you don't screw up your life on one stupid mistake."

"Kaidan is _not_ a mistake! I love him."

Shepard's mother laughed loudly, the sound derisive. "_Love_? What do you know about love?"

"More than you, I'm willing to bet. Or did you forget that you're divorced?" There was a poignant silence. When Shepard spoke again, her voice was bitter. "God, you're so arrogant, thinking because you've been all over the galaxy that you know everything, that you've seen everything. Well, you haven't, and you don't know Kaidan. He's saved my life more times than I can count."

"Oh, and you think he loves you because of that? That he wasn't just doing his duty?"

"No, I know he does. He loves me for me, Mother. Why is that so awful?"

"Because he is going to single-handedly ruin your life. Yes, Captain Anderson and the Council have been graceful enough to give you and your crew time to recuperate, but what happens when it's back to the grind? What happens when you're his commanding officer again?"

"We remain professional."

"And what if you don't? Heads are more often ruled by emotion than logic, Xandra, you know this. You _cannot_ continue this—"

"Mother, we have far surpassed the day and age when you could tell me what I can and cannot do, and you just don't know—"

"Yes I do! I raised you!"

"So? That doesn't mean you know me. You don't know me, not anymore, and you certainly don't know Kaidan. You have no right—"

"I know that he's not worth throwing away your life!" Shepard's mother shouted. "Nobody is."

Shepard didn't say anything for a long time, for so long that Kaidan's knees were numb and his back hurt from standing there. People passing by were looking at him strangely, still holding the paper bag filled with lukewarm food, but he couldn't move, not until he was sure it was safe, that it was over.

Finally, after many long moments, Shepard spoke. Her voice was quiet. "Why did you even come here today?"

"Because you're my daughter."

"Am I? You'd never know." Another brief pause. "I'd like you to go."

No more was said. Clipped footsteps neared the door; Kaidan barely had time to leap away from the door to stand against the opposite wall, making it seem as though he was waiting for whomever was in the room across the hall. He got barely a passing glance at Shepard's renowned mother; her eyes fell on him for a fraction of a moment, before she was striding down the hallway in her officer's uniform, the elevator doors shutting behind her.

Kaidan decided to give Shepard a five minute grace period, just in case she needed to compose herself. He walked back down the hall as quietly as possible, pushing the button for the elevator, so she would hear the doors beep open and know it was him who had come out of them, even if it wasn't expressly true. He walked back down the hallway, before taking a deep breath and knocking on her doorframe. She was sitting on the bed already dressed in her civvies, knees drawn up to her chest, staring out the window. Soft music was playing, the music orb on her bedside table glowing, familiar enough to bother him when he couldn't place it. The IV continued dripping into her arm, though the bag was nearly empty.

She turned to see who was there, smiling brightly when she saw him. "Hey!"

It pained him, how hard she was trying, but he wasn't supposed to know. It suddenly hit him, the music she was listening to: Mozart. _Don Giovanni_. Never a good sign. "Hey. How are you feeling?"

"Ready to get the hell out of here." Crossing her legs, she scooted back against the pillows to make room for him, gesturing for him to sit down on the bed in front of her. "And you brought me lunch, too?"

Kaidan nodded, setting the food down on the bed, bending down to untie his boots. "From that asari place you like. What's it called?"

"Noodle Gardens. They have some of the best food ever." She reached into the bag, rummaging around for the takeout boxes and a utensil. Kaidan kicked off his boots and gently jumped up onto the bed, sitting in front of her, reaching into the bag for his own food.

They ate in silence for a few minutes, the music washing over them, before Shepard looked at him. She no longer looked as chipper as she had when she'd arrived; her expression was more serious, her eyes solemn. "Music, off."

He didn't ask, just waited.

"Kaidan."

"Hm?" He made sure he didn't have any noodles on his face before looking up.

"You overheard that fight between my mom and I just now, didn't you?"

"I—What? _No_, that's crazy! I just got here."

She smiled ruefully. "You're a terrible liar."

"How do you know?"

"Because if you were genuinely surprised, you would've asked, 'You had a fight with your mom? What about?' at which point I would know you were either a good liar, or you really didn't know."

"All right, fine." Kaidan set his fork down, nodding. "I heard it."

"And I'm sorry."

"You're sorry? Shouldn't I be apologizing for eavesdropping?"

"No, you couldn't help that. Besides, in a way, I'm glad you did. Almost." She twirled some noodles around on her fork. "I'm just sorry you had to hear _that_. The things she said were entirely unfair to you."

"But Shepard—"

"No, I don't care. She might have brought up some valid points, but you know what? I do not care. She was way out of line, and I just really don't want to think or talk about her anymore. Is that okay? Can we do that?

Kaidan nodded. It wasn't exactly what he wanted to say—he wanted to discuss it—but he thought she had been through enough for the past couple of weeks, and months even. So he shut his mouth and smiled, and let her finish her meal in peace. There would always be time for them to talk, when they were ready and when there wasn't food to be eaten.

"So," Kaidan said, once they were both full and finished. He got up, gathering the garbage up so he could throw it all away. "How did you know I'd heard it? The fight, I mean."

"Oh." She shrugged. "My noodles were cold."

Kaidan smiled, shaking his head. "You and your noodles."

Her IV was finally empty at that point, and they waited for a nurse to come in and remove the needle. After signing a couple more forms and gathering up the last of her things, they were free to go. It was weird for the two of them to walk down the hallway, both of them in civvies, Shepard entwining her arm with his outside the elevator. It made Kaidan feel like they weren't themselves, that for just one moment, they could pretend to be an actual couple, a couple who wouldn't be dishonorably exonerated from their careers for their love. The feeling made him giddy; it was the best thing to happen to him all day. It gave him hope for the future. It made him believe.

"You know what?" Shepard said, once they were in the elevator. He didn't think she even realized she was doing it, but she was lightly stroking the skin of his wrist with her fingers, as if proving to herself that he was real and solid beside her.

"Hm?"

"We should go camping."

He couldn't help but smile and just shake his head. It was good to have Shepard back. It was good to have Shepard.


	16. Bring Me To Life

**So sorry for the delay, guys! I've had a lot to do for school this semester and I had to push writing to the backburner for a while. Updates may be slower from now on, but I promise I am still working on it when I have time. On that note, thanks so much to all the follows, faves, and reviews!**

* * *

_Now that I know what I'm without, you can't just leave me_

_Breathe into me and make me real, bring me to life_

-Evanescence

* * *

When they finally did start talking, it evolved into one argument after the next, just like Shepard thought it would be.

"You know, we could cover more ground if we go faster."

"You're right," Shepard replied, a scowl on her face. "Let me just ask my Reaper overlords for permission."

They were into their second day of travel towards the Cerberus base. They'd walked about five kilometers on the first day, before stopping when it got dark. They couldn't find another cave, so they'd ended up sleeping in a tree that was high enough to protect them from any so-called predators. At first, Shepard hadn't wanted to, remembering all too well how she had woken up, as well as the Venus Fly Trap _thing_, but what Kaidan proposed made sense, even if they did have to wake each other up every couple of hours to make sure no branches were trying to strangle them.

Early in the morning they both woke and climbed down, eating some more of their dried varren meat and drinking what rainwater they could find caught in the strange upside down bell-shaped plants they found in vivid blue clusters every few feet. At first Shepard had taken to licking leaves, but after licking several orange ones, she experienced vertigo and mania that resulted in Kaidan forcing her to sit down for an hour while she encountered minor hallucinations and giggled hysterically. Kaidan hadn't found it quite as amusing.

With what little water they could procure from the blue bell plants, they managed to set off again, but Shepard immediately noticed something was up with Kaidan. Whether he'd gotten some rancid rainwater or he'd slept awkwardly, whatever it was, he was in a foul mood, and had apparently decided that taking it out on her was the right way to go. The complaints started within the first hour of them walking. First, it was the fact that he was even there in the first place, which led to it being Joker's fault, which of course, wouldn't have even happened if_ she_ hadn't arrived on Horizon in the first place. Everything was just downhill from there.

Shepard, meanwhile, was trying to focus on their surroundings. Physically, she felt slightly better, and she was trying her hardest to ensure they were going in the right direction, and that they would be prepared for whatever they might find. The mumbled insults and criticisms, however, were beginning to get to her, setting her teeth on edge.

So finally, she snapped back.

Kaidan looked at her with mild surprise, before his face reverted back to its usual scowl. "That's not funny."

"You're right, it's not. After all, insulting my superiors will surely only mean that I'll become a husk. It's a shame, not being able to fulfill my assigned purpose in life." She sighed dramatically. "It's just too bad. Now I'll never be a part of the invasion, which I've always dreamed about—"

Kaidan stopped, whirling around to grab her by the arms and shake her. "Shut up! This isn't a joke!"

She dropped the act, shoving him away from her. He stumbled back a few steps, but righted himself almost instantly. "You're right," she said seriously. "It's _not_ funny, and it's not a fucking joke. So maybe now you'll realize how ridiculous you sound!"

"Can't you see things from my point of view? This is a real threat all over the galaxy. Look at what happened to Saren. He—"

Shepard lunged, shoving him again. "_Don't_. Don't you dare compare me to him. What he did—I would never—How could you even say that?"

"But this is what I'm saying: If you were in your right mind, you would see things from all perspectives. If you were still with _us_ and this was someone else, you would accept the idea that maybe all this shit with Cerberus, maybe it's too good to be true, maybe they really are the Collectors' puppets. You would want to consider every possible theory and—"

"What do you mean, with _us_? I am still on your side. Just because I'm not in an Alliance uniform—"

"That's what I mean. I understood it when we needed to disobey, for the good of the mission, for needing to stop the Reapers. But this... This is something else entirely."

"No, it isn't. It's for the good of humanity, and right now, that's more important than the miles of bureaucratic red tape I'd have to fight through if the Alliance were even bothering to help. Doesn't it bother you even a little bit that they have you doing whatever bullshit research missions you're on, while people are disappearing? I mean, really, Kaidan, _what_ are they doing that is so great for the galaxy right now?"

"They're doing _lots_ of things that are helpful for the galaxy, but—"

"But what? Haven't you ever suspected that something is wrong here? With them?"

His eyes were fiercely guarded. "Why would I?"

"Why not? Didn't you ever wonder _why_ they sealed off everyone's records, why you couldn't find Joker? Because the Alliance made him vanish, just like they made me."

Kaidan frowned. "What do you mean?"

"I wonder sometimes if it wasn't entirely a coincidence that the Council sent me out to geth space, and I died. I'm sure they would have loved to get rid of me before, so why not then when I was becoming bothersome again, scaring their precious people by ranting about Reapers—"

His eyes widened. "You can't really think that."

"Would it surprise _anyone_ who's ever seen me in session with them? I saved their lives, and for what?" Shepard kicked at a nearby plant viciously; it made a high whistling sound in alarm, before its leaves suddenly vanished, sucked back into holes in the stem. "To get spaced."

"And you think they had something to do with it?"

"Maybe not, but come on. Yeah, maybe they didn't count on it actually happening or set it all up themselves, but I can't see them being too sad when it happened and they found out. After all, I was becoming a nuisance."

"So you know who did do it?"

"It was the Collectors. It was their ship that came after ours, the same ship we saw on Horizon."

"You can't be sure of that."

"Why not?"

When he looked at her, he almost seemed sad. "Shepard, what if none of this is right? What if everything you're saying—"

"What are _you_ saying? Are you saying I'm making this all up? That I'm just imagining the people disappearing?"

"No, but... You have to admit, it's all really weird. Who even are these Collectors that you keep talking about? What do you know about them?"

"I know they're working with the Reapers. That's all I need to know."

Kaidan sighed. "That's what I'm saying. You don't even know the full story; for all you know, it could be Cerberus abducting people and these Collectors could be some—some fabrication _they_ created, that they put in your head to use you—"

Shepard shook her head silently, momentarily stunned. "So you think all of this is just in my head? That I'm crazy?"

"I didn't say that—"

"No, but have you had to?" Shepard suddenly squeezed her eyes shut tight, snarling in frustration. She reached up, grabbing fistfuls of her hair and tightening her fingers, the strands pulling, making her eyes water. That tiny bout of pain egged her on, clearing her head. She opened her eyes, dropping her hands back down again. "Ever since I came back, all you've done is made me feel crazy! How do I know any of this is real? How do I know you are?"

Kaidan sighed. "Shepard..."

"No, you don't get to 'Shepard' me, not anymore. You brought it up, so sure, let's think about this. Let me just _process_ this here. You think I'm crazy, that this is all just, what, some sort of complicated program, some sort of situation? Something that Cerberus implanted in my brain?" She threw her arms up. "Great. Hey, who even knows if _I'm_real? Maybe I'm just some fancy VI that is going through the motions, fulfilling its programming to a T." Shepard glared at Kaidan, reaching out to push him. "Is that what you think?"

"Shepard, god dammit, will you listen to yourself? You sound—"

"Crazy? Yeah. Haven't you heard? That's the general consensus. Just go ask your Alliance friends!"

"Shepard, enough. The Alliance is not the problem here."

"Except that it is!" She shook her head again. Derisive laughter bubbled up, pouring out of her mouth like bile. "God, you never change, do you? You and your precious willingness to follow orders. Haven't you ever questioned authority once in your life? Wondered if what you were doing was the right thing?"

Kaidan shook his head. "No."

"You know what? I actually believe you. Because why would you, Kaidan Alenko, ever want to step outside that little niche you've buried yourself in to ever do something frightening like that?"

His eyes turned cold. "What are you talking about?"

"I'm talking about _you_! You're always so careful, so fucking perfectly cautious inside your own little world, afraid to do anything too risky, to break the rules, because you're scared that it might lead you back that same road you were on before, that you might become that person again."

"Be quiet."

"And that's the thing about you, Kaidan. You hit rock bottom once with the drugs and the fighting, but you did what a lot of people couldn't do and came back from it. You know what, though? I think you liked it down there."

His voice was almost a snarl. "Shepard, stop it."

"No, I won't. See, I think you _liked_ it down there, and that's why everything scares you so fucking much. You're afraid that, given the chance, you'll go back. Sure, you climbed back up the rabbit hole, but are you _really_ all the way out? Are you really back in the sun? Or do you know that if you let go, you might start slipping again, back to the dark where you know yourself best?" She shook her head. "You've been redeemed, and you're so afraid of fucking it all up that you never do anything that is _worth_ that redemption."

He didn't say anything, just glared at her. She took that as a yes, raising her chin defiantly.

"I know I'm right. Because I know what it's like to live in the dark. Maybe not in the same way, but darkness is everywhere, Kaidan; it's in us, and it's in everyone around us, and it's about time you stop being such a coward and—"

"Shut _up!_" he shouted. His right arm moved down, and she knew instinctively, in the way that she always did when someone was about to draw on her, that she had crossed a line.

But her reflexes had always been better. She raised her gun at the same moment he did. Lightning flashed around them, thunder filling the sky. Neither of them said a word, eyeing each other levelly down the sights of their guns.

They stood that way for a long time, thunder the only sound. Kaidan looked angrier than she had ever seen, breathing hard, color high in his cheeks. It was a situation she had never been in before, pointing a gun at someone she loved. She thought it might feel differently, sadder, but all she felt was a white-hot anger. Everything had been boiling towards this moment. Right now, he was not her former lover and best friend, he was someone pointing a gun at her, and that made everything different. She wondered if he actually had the guts to try and kill her. She wondered if she had the guts to try to stop him. _Isn't this what I wanted?_

The storm crept closer, building in the edges of her peripheral vision.

When she spoke, her voice was quiet, hoarse, barely loud enough to be heard over theirs surroundings. "You gonna shoot me, Kaidan?"

He readjusted his grip but didn't say anything. His eyes were burning.

"Here. I'll make it easier on you." Slowly, she began to lower her gun.

"Don't," he said.

She froze, but only for a moment. She had a feeling he wasn't going to do anything, not as she was trying to put her pistol back where it belonged. She continued, sliding it into the holster, but she didn't secure it, just in case. She raised her hands back up, fingers splayed wide, a gesture of submission.

"There. You're in control here. And you get to make the next decision."

"What—?" Kaidan started to ask, but he fell silent, watching her instead.

She took a step froward, her entire body poised and ready to spring, but slow-moving and methodical, the way she had trained it to be. When he didn't react, she took another, until they were only two steps away from each other. He started to edge backwards, but she shot a sharp look at him. "Don't fucking move."

He stopped.

"This is it, Kaidan. The moment you've been waiting for, wondering this entire time if it would come to this. Right? I could see it in your face the moment we woke up and saw each other. Would things escalate?" She leaned forward, voice lowered. "_Am I going to have to kill Commander Shepard_? So, I'm making it simple for you." She took a deep breath. "Do it."

Kaidan's face registered every single emotion passing through him, from shock and disbelief to horror. "_What_?"

"Do it. Shoot me. The Alliance should find you soon, and they'll probably thank you for it. Kill me and you get to go back to your life, the way you wanted, the way it would have been if I wasn't back here anyway."

He shook his head swiftly. "That's not—"

"Oh, come on. Why not? After all, I may not even be real. I could just be one of them. I could just be..." She trailed off, thinking of the lingering doubts, the questions, the voices clamoring inside her head. She closed her eyes. "And who knows? You don't know, I don't know. You could be right. I could be controlled, chipped, indoctrinated. This could very well be the end."

The thunder was closer now, the lightning brightening the world behind her closed eyes. She could see shapes in all the light and darkness, shapes of people she used to know, people she had loved and lost. They were calling her name. She hadn't thought about it, per se, not in such explicit terms, but there was that nagging wonder, that question:_What would happen if I went back?_ Now, more than ever, she wondered, and she wanted, wanted to go home, wanted to feel complete again, instead of the way she did now with her spirit all fractured to dust. It just didn't feel right. Nothing had, not since she came back.

_Maybe we all know where I really belong._

A drop of rain fell, splattering on her cheek. It dripped down her skin, down to her chin where it wavered, before falling to the ground below. Others joined the first, the sound of their steady pattering on leaves mingling with the thunder and the harshness of her own breathing.

When he didn't do anything, she opened her eyes again, scowling at him. "Come on, what are you waiting for?" She took her last step forward, surprised—and curious—to find his arm didn't pull back, even when her forehead was just millimeters away from the barrel of his gun. "If you're so sure that all your theories are true, end it right now. Kill me."

"Shepard, _no_."

She reached up, grabbing his wrist, holding his arm hand in place. "Not even for me?"

"Especially not for you. Not anymore."

"Fine. If you want something done, I guess you have to..." She laid her free hand over his, her thumb pressed lightly to his trigger finger. All she had to do was twitch and she'd be back in the warm place. They'd both be free. She closed her eyes, feeling his skin slick with rain beneath hers right where she'd always wanted it, before she began to press forward with her thumb. All she had to do was wait for the click and then—

_BOOM._

The ground shook beneath their feet, sending them both staggering away from each other, her hand losing its grip. Kaidan dropped his pistol, and it vanished into the undergrowth. She reached out instinctively, grabbing onto a low-hanging vine, holding tight until the world stopped shaking and she could see straight again. Kaidan was digging through the plants, looking for his gun, as she looked up into the sky. Through the curtain of rain, further west of them, there was a large plume of ugly black smoke filling the air.

"Holy shit."

"Shepard!" Kaidan was looking up at her, the expression on his face a mixture of horror and fear. She knew it had nothing to do with the explosion.

"We don't have time, Kaidan."

He just looked at her, that expression still on his face. His comprehension skills seemed to have fled, the look on his face echoing the heartbreak she couldn't seem to spare him. Another explosion filled the air, smaller than the first, but no less frightening. Over the rain, Shepard could hear screaming. She frowned. People. On Pragia? In the west... _That's where we need to be._ Shepard suddenly thought of Jack and her initial purpose there and her stomach clenched.

"Look, what's happening now is more important than me, all right? People are dying, something is _wrong_." She strode towards him, kneeling down in front of him. She felt around by her foot, helping him look, waiting for the familiar feel of a weapon. "I need you to get it together, so we can go over there and see what's going on and try to help, whatever the situation may be. We can't just keep playing this by ear, not now."

"Shepard—"

"Our problems are not the issue right now, do you understand me?" Her fingers skated over something hard; she grabbed it, placing his pistol back in his hand. "We need to work together."

"I..." The rain fell into his face, strands of his hair sticking to his forehead. He was staring at the gun in his hand. Finally, he swallowed hard and nodded. "Yeah, okay."

When he was on his feet, she reached for her own gun, hoping her hands would stop shaking soon. What had just happened—what had _almost_ just happened—between the two of them was something she didn't even want to think about, something she didn't even want to imagine she would consider, and all she felt now was a sick fascination with herself, with how different she was. Maybe Kaidan was right, after all; maybe she didn't know herself as well as she thought, not anymore.

But it was time she took her own advice, and forgot about their problems for now. She checked the thermal clip, before pointing towards the sky. Kaidan followed her gaze, looking towards the smoke.

"What the hell was that?"

"I don't know," Shepard said, directing her fury inwards, pushing it down, as she turned her eyes to the west. "But I'm going to guess that's where we need to be."

"Running _towards_ the explosion?" Kaidan shook his head. "Why am I not surprised?"

At least some things never changed.

* * *

Joker was falling asleep in his chair in the middle of a game of Solitaire on his terminal when EDI brightened.

"Mr. Moreau, the Illusive Man would like to speak with you."

Joker sat straight up in his chair, stretching gingerly. "He wants to what?"

"He would like to speak with you. He's waiting in the Briefing/Comms room."

Joker stood, straightening his shirt and readjusting his hat. "Uh, yeah, thanks." _If I return. _Something told him that it had to do with Shepard, and immediately he gritted his teeth, thinking of Miranda.

His trip was slow, but it did feel good to get up and stretch his legs. With the constant threat of breaking a bone, it often wasn't all that safe for him to go on long excursions, which was part of the reason he'd joined up with Cerberus in the first place—when you were stuck in a chair all the time, leather seats went a long way. Still, it was nice to see everyone still so hard at work, even though their commanding officer was gone. He wondered how many of them even knew. _Hopefully not the Illusive Man_.

And yet, when he arrived to face the infamous hologram, he knew almost immediately that there were no secrets among their crew.

It went pretty much the way he had expected it to go: the Illusive Man feigned concern and interest in his life, before segueing into an angry lecture about how Joker had almost single-handedly jeopardized the entire mission. He'd gone on to remind Joker just how vital their mission was, and that despite it being near-suicide, he could not simply go off and do what he pleased. The Illusive Man recognized Joker's skills, but when it came down to it, he all but said it was lucky they weren't the Alliance, warning him not to screw up again—and to get Shepard back.

Joker knew he should have headed for the cockpit to resume his duties and be a good little boy, especially in the wake of such a verbal ass-kicking, but he had a score to settle. He took the elevator down to Miranda's office, not even bothering to announce himself before bursting in.

"You lied to me," he said, jabbing a finger in her direction. "Thanks so fucking much."

She was sitting at her desk, typing at her terminal, as usual. At first she had looked at him with surprise, but now she looked annoyed and confused. "What the hell are you talking about?"

"The Illusive Man! He knows. He just summoned me to his fucking chamber of darkness and reamed me for doing what I thought was right. There was nobody else who could have told him, nobody else who _would_ have but you!"

She stood up, her chair sliding back. "What I told you last night was the truth, Joker, I did not tell him! I swear."

"How can I trust you? You're his evil henchman!"

Miranda suddenly laughed. "Evil henchman? This isn't like those action vids you see on the extranet all the time, this is reality." He opened his mouth to angrily reply, but she cut him off, shaking her head. "And you know, maybe you can't trust me. But we're on this ship, working together, whether we like it or not so maybe you should just...take it on faith."

"_Faith_?"

"For Shepard's sake."

Joker thought that over for a moment before he let himself relax, leaning against Miranda's desk for support. "Fine," he said, folding his arms over his chest. "For Shepard. But if you betray me or anyone else, I swear, I'll—"

"You'll what? Glare menacingly at me?" Miranda snorted. "You'll have to do better than that. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have work to do." Slowly, she sat back down, returning to whatever she had been doing at her terminal. She began typing again, acting as if he wasn't even there.

When he got back to the cockpit, Garrus was waiting for him. "I managed to get in contact with Liara. She's sending a dropship with the care package now. It should be there soon. Hopefully she can track Shepard's coordinates, but with how they're moving, I just don't know..."

"I'm sure Liara will come through. With what she's up to nowadays—"

"Exactly. I'm just glad she agreed to help. I know she's up to her eyes in shady business deals and mercs. It's too bad she can't join us."

"Yeah, she'd be a real help." Joker sat back in his seat, letting his body adjust to the familiar settings once more. Garrus settled in, taking one of the empty seats across the room, putting his feet up and scrolling through a datapad. Joker went back to his game of Solitaire, pulling it up only to find words scrolling quickly across the screen.

_Omni-tool_.

He frowned. His omni-tool flared brightly to life, pinging quietly to let him know he'd received a message. He tapped the hologram's screen, opening the message. There was only one sentence on it, something so small that still managed to send a shiver down his spine:

_He has cameras everywhere. -M_

Suddenly, Joker wondered if joining Cerberus had been the right decision after all—and if flying a bugged, contaminated ship—had been worth it.


	17. Prepare Your Weapon

_I built these fences, I hold myself in darkness_

_Prepare the weapon, this battle ends when I give in_

-Escape the Fate

* * *

Gone was the person Shepard had been moments before. Now, the predator inside her had come to life, her eyes flashing as they crested over a ridge, eyeing the valley beyond through the rain. Down below them was a scene familiar to them both: Spread out in a half-circle were three merc ships, painted messily with the symbols of their gangs, mercs firing at the ship facing them, one larger than all three of them combined and still smoking from where it had been hit. Kaidan heard Shepard growl at the same time he noticed it. The ship they were firing at was a colonization vessel.

"Let's go."

They ran as fast as their legs would carry them. Soggy branches and leaves heavy with rain smacked into them, slapping at their arms and legs, but it was just like being back in the thick of things and Kaidan didn't think about what was going on around them, focusing only on the fact that there were people down there who needed help, and other people who needed to die. As soon as they broke through the trees, it was just like their old missions together, just like the way things had been on the_ Normandy_. She took point, ducking into cover behind a tree, while he sank down behind a bush several feet behind her. She inched out around the tree she was flush against, taking a headcount, before swinging back and meeting his gaze across the distance between them.

She gestured to the left. She held up four fingers, before clenching her fingers into a fist. Shepard then held up five fingers and the fist once more. He nodded, stomach clenching. _Forty or fifty to the left. _But she wasn't done. Curling her fingers into a circle, she held it up to her left eye. She then held up three fingers, her thumb touching her ring finger. She held her hand horizontally, after that, fingers lying flat. Kaidan swore under his breath. _Seven snipers at the least._ She must not have been able to see the others.

Gesturing to the right, she made a C with her fingers, before raising her arm, index finger held up, twirling it in a circle. He nodded again, looking down to check his pistol and make sure he was good to go. So they'd somehow manage to get out there, despite the mercs and their snipers, before rallying with the civilians.

Before Kaidan could ask just how the fuck they were going to do that, she told him. She gestured in a wide arc, sweeping her arm out. _Go around_. Using two fingers, she mimed walking slowly. _Sneak_. He nodded, watching as she stooped, grabbing a handful of mud and slathering it over her face. For their stealth purposes, he followed suit. The mud was cold, tingling over his skin, as she nodded at him and they began, darting through the undergrowth to the right of their position.

As they crept closer, practically on their stomachs at some points, the gunfire got louder, as did the screaming. Kaidan tried to block it out, but it wouldn't work, so instead he focused on it, his anger the focal point of his motivation. Everything that had happened with Shepard faded to the background, locked away until such a moment when it could be the center of attention again; until then, everything was about the colonists. He remembered Horizon all too well and how he had failed to help them. He was determined not to make the same mistake twice.

The two of them finally managed to get around to the back of the colonization vessel, but it was not as they had originally guessed. A blue shield had been erected around the entire ship while they'd been sneaking around, preventing them from getting too close. Kaidan stared in awe, as Shepard reached out a hand to trace over the force-field.

"That's biotic," he said, shaking his head. "That's...that's unlike anything I've ever seen."

"What do you mean?"

"Keeping up shields for a long period of time is draining enough, but a shield of this size, protecting this many people...You need to have immense stamina, or be incredibly powerful. I don't know anyone who could do this."

Suddenly, Shepard smiled, but there was a delightful viciousness to it. "I do." She reached for the barrier.

"Don't!" Kaidan lunged to grab her, but it was too late. She pressed her hand to the barrier. It held there for all of two seconds, the area around her hand glowing a brighter blue, before there was a shock that sent her reeling backwards.

Kaidan caught her just before she fell, supporting her while she regained her footing. The skin of her palm was a bright red, like she'd been burned; with the force of that barrier, he wouldn't be surprised if she had. The look on her face was dazed, but pleased.

"Are you all right?"

"'Course. That's just Jack's way of saying hello."

"Jack? Wait a minute—the one who came down here with us?"

Shepard nodded. "Looks like she got held up here on her way to the Cerberus base. And now she knows it was me, so hopefully—" Shepard broke off, nodding at the barrier. "She knows I'm here."

Kaidan looked around. There was now a sizable opening in the barrier, pulsing slightly as if it was inviting them to come through. Cautiously, Kaidan followed her, keeping his eyes up, primed and ready for any sort of attack that might come their way. When they had both passed through the barrier, it closed off behind them. Just walking around inside it made him feel strange, a sort of static passing through him with each breath he took, almost like he was walking around in a web of power, each strand touching him, running over his skin and charging his own abilities. He wondered if there would be any noticeable effect.

They walked along the underside of the ship towards the sound of gunfire, affording Kaidan the chance to see what had been done to it. A large hole was gaping in one side, but it had been messily boarded up with pieces of scrap metal. The black smoke still poured from its core, fires put out in places, but the metal and surrounding ground still scorched.

Kaidan could already feel the tension in Shepard beside him, the coiled muscles just waiting to spring. He could tell being without her faithful weapons was killing her. If she'd had her sniper rifle, she could have taken care of the snipers and some of the mercs already.

It was only when they came around one side of the ship that Kaidan heard the dark, throaty laughter. Though he hadn't known her for long (or at all, really, when he thought about it), he knew immediately that there was only one person it could belong to.

Before they could find out much else, there was a shout from behind them. "Hey!"

They both froze. Shepard had her gun out, trained on the guy in front of him, but Kaidan could see what she couldn't in her battle-frenzy. He was young, barely old enough to be out of school, much less holding a pistol and aiming it at Shepard.

Immediately Kaidan held up his hands, pointing his gun towards the sky. "We don't want trouble. We're here to help."

His eyes flicked between Kaidan and Shepard nervously. "Who are you?"

"I'm Commander Shepard, Alliance military," Shepard said, straightening and lowering her gun slightly. Kaidan didn't bother to correct her. "This is Commander Alenko. We heard the noise and wanted to offer assistance."

"Where are the rest of you?"

Shepard flicked a glance towards Kaidan, before looking back at the kid. She didn't answer that question, but instead asked another. "What's your name?"

"Corvus. We—we were on our way to Asteria. We were going to settle there. We're just...just farmers." His face paled, and his grip on his gun wavered. Shepard leaped forward, catching him as he suddenly sagged.

"Corvus, are you injured?"

"It's not so bad..." he said quietly, his eyelashes fluttering. Shepard moved his arm aside, pulling up his shirt. There was a barely-held together gash in his side, sloppily stapled.

"God," Shepard breathed, horrified. She handed his gun to Kaidan, before picking Corvus up as gently as she could. The rain forced her hair into her eyes, some of the mud streaking off her face, but when she looked at Kaidan, he felt it. "We need to get inside. Cover me."

Kaidan did as she said, keeping a sharp eye out as she carried the boy around the side of the ship. They were met with the resistance there, a scattered handful of about twenty men and women, none of whom seemed to notice them. They were using supply crates and what looked like farming equipment as cover, while they used simple pistols—not even military grade, but personal protection—holding off the mercs as best as they could. Kaidan's heart fell; they didn't know that the mercs weren't even really attacking, not yet. If they decided to rush the colonists in full force, they'd be screwed. _And just the two of us are supposed to help?_

A woman reloading her gun was the first to notice them. She screamed shrilly, startled so badly that she dropped both her thermal clip and her gun. "Marcus!"

A tall red-headed man with a beard kneeling down behind cover whipped his head around. He had a scar on his chin and dark eyes that glittered. For whatever reason, he seemed familiar to Kaidan. "Cease fire!" he cried, before ducking away from the battle and towards them, rising to his feet, pointing his gun at them. Three of the others followed his lead.

"Who the hell are you?" he asked, his eyes dropping to the boy in Shepard's arms. He pointed his gun directly at her. "And what the hell have you done to my son? Answer me!"

"Wait!" Someone suddenly pushed through the small crowd, her body glowing blue. It was Jack, the former convict that he'd heard laughing before, the one that traveled with Shepard. There was a cut on one of her cheeks and mud splattered all over her legs, but other than that, she seemed fine. She still held one arm up, holding the barrier, but she stood in between Shepard and the resistance, glaring at them. "I know these two, they came down with me."

The red-headed man, Marcus, didn't look wholly convinced. His eyes were still locked on the boy. When he spoke, his words were slow, his voice shaking. "What happened to my son?"

"He collapsed. He was...patrolling?" When Marcus nodded, Shepard went on. "We heard the explosion. We're Alliance officers." Again, Kaidan didn't correct her; if it garnered trust with the colonist's faster, he had no qualms with her lies, not this time, not when there were innocent people's lives at stake. "We want to help you."

"We don't need your help," one of the others, a woman with a pinched face and dark hair, spat. "Marcus, tell them to leave."

"We're not fucking leaving," Jack snarled. "We don't have anywhere to go."

"You don't need our help?" Shepard asked, looking around at them. She gestured to the barrier. "So I suppose you wouldn't mind if Jack just...let go?"

Jack caught Shepard's cue. The barrier flickered for just a moment, and the mercs fired. Shots pinged off the side of the ship, sparks raining down. The woman who'd spoken against them shrieked, covering her head with her hands, along with some of the others. Marcus looked at them as if they were insane, while Jack resumed the barrier.

Shepard shifted her grip on Corvus. "Look, we genuinely want to help. We're both experienced in combat situations. We can handle weapons, help with fortifications. Kaidan's a biotic, just like Jack, so he can help with the barrier and I can dress wounds." She shrugged slightly. "For the most part."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"That, while I'm no medic, I've stitched myself up better than what's been done to your son when I've had worse wounds than him."

Marcus seemed to think it through, before nodding. Looking at the people behind him, he said, "Stand down. Man the barricades while I talk with these people." The three behind him did as they were told, going back to the barely-holding cover, while Kaidan handed Corvus' gun to his father. He checked the thermal clip before handing it off to someone at the barricade, clapping them on the shoulder.

"All right, we need to get him inside." Before leading them away, he stopped beside Jack. "Jack, is it? Thank you."

Jack looked surprised, before nodding tersely. As they walked past, she met Shepard's gaze. "Come talk to me when you come back out. We have a lot of shit to discuss."

"Yeah, no shit," Shepard replied. Jack smirked.

"This way," Marcus said, leading them around to the airlock of the ship. Punching in a code to the flickering pad, the doors stickily opened.

They stepped inside, and it was like being in an oven. Hot, thick air slapped Kaidan in the face, stinging his eyes. The lights inside kept flickering on and off. The air inside smelled of sweat and fear, the metallic scent of blood cloying thick in his nose as they immediately came upon what looked like a makeshift infirmary in what used to be the bridge. People were laying on cots and blankets on the floor, and the sounds of groaning and crying rose in a tidal wave around them. Men and women bustled around, tending to the wounded, but Kaidan couldn't see anyone who looked like an actual doctor. _Maybe they're just busy_, he told himself, but he had a sick feeling in the pit of his stomach that there wasn't a doctor.

Marcus led them to a free cot in the back corner of the room. Wire hung down from the ceiling above them, crackling and popping every few moments, showering sparks. Once Shepard had laid Corvus down on the cot, she reached up, yanking the wires down, throwing them aside. When Marcus just stared at her, she shrugged. "Sorry."

He narrowed his eyes. "I'm afraid I didn't catch your names."

"I'm Commander Shepard, and this is Commander Alenko."

Marcus' eyes widened for all of one second before he nodded. "Right. Come with me, please." Leading them through another door that looked as though it had been forced open, they followed him up into the cockpit—or what was left of it. An entire wall had been torn open in the crash like a tin can, the metal easily peeled back, and the jungle had already begun to creep in, vines reaching in around the edges of the hole. Shepard and Kaidan were still looking around at it when Marcus pulled his gun on them, out of sight from the makeshift infirmary.

To Kaidan's surprise, Shepard didn't do the same; instead, she held her hands up, willingly submitting.

Marcus was glaring at them both suspiciously. "Now, why don't you tell me who you _really_ are?"

Oh. They probably should have expected that, what with her being dead for the past two years and everything. Slowly, Kaidan held up his own hands, not even sure if the man cared who he was or not.

Shepard nodded. "Yeah, okay, I can see where you're coming from on this, but I _am_ Commander Shepard."

"You can't be. She's dead."

"Yeah, I know I was, but..." She shook her head. "It's all really hard to explain. I died, and a—company paid to have me brought back. Using the best technology that medicine and science has to offer, they...rebuilt me."

"You expect me to believe that?"

"I know it sounds crazy. Hell, it _is_ crazy! But it's really me."

"Prove it."

Shepard frowned. "And you want me to do that how?"

"I was one of the marines on the Citadel when you destroyed Sovereign. I was part of the team Anderson had to find you in the Tower."

Suddenly, Kaidan knew that was where he had seen him before. He'd been one of the burly guys moving aside rubble, one of the ones that had helped him carry Shepard. "I remember you," Kaidan said. "I was there, too."

Marcus nodded. "Right. You handed her over to me so we could get her to the hospital." His eyes flicked over to Shepard. "You told me something when I was carrying you. What was it?"

Kaidan looked over at Shepard as well. This was quite the interesting test, one that raised questions for him. She had already proved she remembered some things, but if there was a chip in her head or she was indoctrinated, would she be able to answer? Even on the Citadel, she had been injured; maybe it had all been too traumatic for her to remember. Kaidan found himself wanting her to be able to answer, silently cheering her on, wanting her to prove him wrong about everything as well.

The corners of her lips twitched. "I looked up at you and said 'Well, isn't this my lucky day.'"

Kaidan almost snorted. She _would_ say something like that. He was glad she had been able to answer, but there were some things he still couldn't let go of, things he couldn't forget, not just yet. Still, he managed to push them back, glad that for now, she had earned the trust of the man leading the people they wanted to help.

Marcus finally nodded, lowering his weapon. His smile was hesitant. "In that case, whatever the hell the story is and how it was possible, welcome back, ma'am."

"Thank you..."

He saluted. "Lieutenant Marcus Hill, at your service."

She held out a hand for him to shake and again, Kaidan was reminded of the old times, when she could step into a room, meet everyone, remember their names, and make them feel as if they would live forever.

"Escorting the settlers or joining them?"

"Escorting, then joining. Somebody's gotta protect them out there. I specifically requested the chance to do something like this." He slapped his chest. "Got kind of a weak ticker, so they went along with it and let me."

"Well, it's good to see you again, Lieutenant. I wish we could meet under better circumstances, but for now, let's take care of your boy. Then you can give us a full situation report. Good?" When Marcus nodded, the three of them went back onto the bridge.

Corvus was awake, blinking slowly. "Dad?"

Marcus knelt down beside his son, grabbing his hand. "I'm right here, buddy."

"Dad, the Alliance...they saved me."

"Not just yet, son." He looked up at Shepard. "You can field dress a wound?"

"Yes, sir." She began rolling up her sleeves.

Marcus pointed to a girl across the room tending to another wounded person. "She'll get you set up with what supplies she can. Tell her I sent you."

Shepard nodded, dashing off.

Kaidan, meanwhile, holstered his pistol, glancing down at Marcus. "What happened here?"

"Isn't it obvious? Mercs shot us down. We were on our way to the relay to jump to the Hades Nexus, to settle on Asteria. Some idiot gave us the wrong coordinates and we ended up here."

"Who?"

"Some batarian involved with the Chamber of Agrarian Commerce."

"A _batarian_?" Shepard's voice floated towards them from behind Kaidan. He turned to see her return, arms full of bandages and what looked like canisters of medi-gel. She had managed to wash most of the mud off her face but some of it still remained, clinging to her jaw and hairline. "Involved with the Chamber of Agrarian Commerce?" She snorted, setting the supplies down on a rack beside the cot, wheeling it up beside them. "You've been duped, Marcus. Batarians are involved in a lot of things, but I doubt agriculture is one of them."

Kaidan nodded. "Sounds like a trap to me. They wanted you to end up here. From what I can tell, this is a dumping grounds, where trash gets left behind." Shepard glanced at him sharply, but he went on."Of course, that means mercs are drawn to it like moths to the flame."

"Pretty creative ruse, even for mercs. Almost have to give them credit." Shepard dumped her supplies on a flat surface nearby. Snapping on a couple of rubber gloves, she held up a metal instrument that looked like a large pair of tweezers. "All right, your doctor tells me that you have a limited supply of anesthetics and that those are being reserved for the severely wounded in need of surgery right now, so—"

Marcus shook his head grimly. "She's not our doctor."

"Excuse me?"

Kaidan's stomach twisted. He knew it, knew in the way the people looked at each other in complete fear that there wasn't a doctor. _What the hell are we going to do?_

"Our doctor was killed when we crashed, along with three nurses. That's a med student."

Shepard swore succinctly, before looking around the room, at all the bodies stretched out and lined up, at the dozens of people who might very well die without the help of a trained professional. She nodded, before looking back down at Corvus. "Right. Kaidan, c'mere."

He did as she said, walking around the edge of the cot. She bent her head close to his and he had to struggle to remind himself that despite how it felt, this was _not_ like old times, and it was not okay for him to drink in the scent of her.

She handed him a moist cloth. "Here, wash off your face. The last thing we need is mud somehow dripping into this kid's wound and getting infected." When he did as he was told, swiping the cloth over his face and letting her inspect it to her approval, she lowered her voice. "This is going to hurt like hell," she murmured. "So I'm going need you to hold him down. Keep him from thrashing around. You think you can do that for me, Commander?"

It amazed him the way the military was so much a part of her that she could change in an instant. He nodded, throwing the cloth down and shoving up his sleeves.

"Good. Marcus, hold your boy's hand and hold it tight." She held Corvus' shirt up to inspect the wound. There were six staples in all, and she was going to have to rip out every one of them. "All right, Corvus. I'm going to count to three and start pulling out these staples. I won't lie to you, it's going to hurt. Make sure you hold your dad's hand and remember, nobody will look down on you for screaming or crying. God knows we've all been in the same position at some time or another, too."

She leaned over to look the boy in the eyes. "You ready?"

Corvus nodded tersely, sweat beading at his brow.

"All right. Here we go. One, two, three." She ripped out the first staple as quickly and cleanly as she could. Corvus yelped, squeezing his father's hand; Kaidan held the boy's body down while Shepard pressed a bandage to the wound.

After taking a quick break and mopping up what blood she could, she did the second one. And the third. With every staple, Corvus' cries grew louder and more pained, Marcus' face contorting with how strongly his son was clenching his hand. The boy's torso—and Kaidan's hands with them—were soon stained with blood.

By the time they reached the sixth staple, Corvus was quietly crying, pleading with them not to do it. Marcus held his son's hand in both of his, leaning over so he could talk to him. He was crying as well. "It's all right, Corvus," he said. "Just one more and you're done. You've already done five, this one should be easy!" After a few minutes of this, he looked at Shepard and nodded.

She removed the last staple.

She wiped his skin clean and applied medi-gel to his wound, watching the skin slowly knit itself back together. The antibiotics in the gel and the ordeal made him tired, so he quickly passed out when she was finished. Marcus wiped the tears from his face with the corner of one sleeve, watching the exhausted rise and fall of his son's chest.

After making sure that he was okay, Shepard quickly wiped her hands off, before she pulled Marcus away to talk privately. Kaidan, however, found it difficult to move. Even knowing that there was a flurry of activity around him where he would be more useful, he couldn't stop staring at the blood on his hands, the blood that had always been on his hands, wondering if there was ever truly a way to wipe them clean.

* * *

Shepard gestured for Marcus to follow her into the cockpit, looking over her shoulder at Corvus where he slept fitfully, Kaidan standing at the end of his cot. There was still blood caked beneath her fingernails, but she didn't have time to dwell, not when things were so dire. From what she could see, they weren't doing so well, and they weren't going to last much longer without help.

"All right, Corvus should be fine as long as his bandages are changed and he gets another dose of medi-gel in about six hours."

"Thank you."

"However, that's not why I asked you over here. I need a sitrep, Lieutenant. Tell me how many people you got, how many are wounded, and what supplies you have."

It wasn't pretty. There were two hundred of them, and almost half of them were injured. There were women and kids, and their doctor and three nurses had been killed. Two nurses and a handful of med students were all that remained. "We were just the first bunch," Marcus said, wiping his forehead with his sleeve. "Once we got settled, the rest were coming."

"How many?"

"Over three thousand."

Where supplies were concerned, things were even worse. As farmers, they had very few weapons and most of their farming equipment had been damaged. Salvage teams were already working on what they could, but it wasn't necessary to their survival, not at that moment. Their food and water would hold, but it was the weapons and medical supplies that Shepard worried about. She had never known mercs to be patient, not in any instance, so there was no actual chance of them starving the settlers out. They would come, and when they did, it wasn't going to be pretty. Looking back at the already crowded makeshift infirmary, at all the people who had already been hurt, she could hardly imagine how the ranks of the injured and dying would swell when the mercenaries were actually _trying_.

"All right, the first thing we need to do is get Jack some food. If she's going to hold that barrier, she's got to keep up her calorie-intake. Get her something with lots of protein, some carbs, and some water. After that, we'll need to reinforce that barricade you got out there, just in case."

"And then?"

Shepard was already halfway out the door, returning to the infirmary. She looked back. "Then we dig up as much ammo as we can find, and pray your farmers are quick learners when it comes to killing."


	18. My Blood

_And God knows I'm not dying but I breathe now_

_And God knows it's the only way to heal now_

_With all the blood I lost with you_

_It drowns the love I thought I knew_

-Ellie Goulding

* * *

"Shepard, we need to talk."

She didn't turn around, didn't face her comrade standing behind her. Instead, she stayed where she was, arms folded over her chest, ankle deep in water, staring down at the sand below her feet. She watched as the tide rolled in, sucking at the sand, pulling handfuls of it back out. In, out, like the air she was breathing, like the way she kept curling her fingers into fists, trying to find the wise, strong words she needed for what came next.

It was warm on Virmire, so much so that she was sweating in her armor. The breeze, however, cooled the skin of her face, and the smell of the ocean so nearby was refreshing. With its lush foliage and tropical conditions, it was the perfect planet, the kind she had imagined herself vacationing on when she finally got the chance. It would have been even better if it didn't house Saren's base of operations and the research lab where he was building an army of krogan—and trying to cure the genophage. Knowing that Saren was there, right there, on the very same planet she was standing on was almost too much. _I'm going to kill the bastard_, she thought. _Whether it's here or somewhere else, he's going to die, and it'll be my bullet that finishes him._

"Commander."

Was it too much to ask for five minutes of silence, five minutes of peace? She raised her head, looking to her left down the long stretch of sand to the krogan angrily pacing and gesturing to himself. "Is this about Wrex? Because I'm going to go talk to him. Just give me a minute."

"No, it's about you."

That time, she turned. Gunnery Chief Ashley Williams was standing behind her, her dark brown bangs blown into her eyes by the breeze. Her armor, once white and polished, was now chipped and scuffed in places. It had been a hell of a journey they'd found themselves on, and Shepard had found a friend in Ash without meaning to. While they occasionally clashed and bumped heads, she was a good soldier and a better person, and Shepard was grateful for the times when she had encouraged her to cut loose and take a breather. She almost wished now was one of those times, but she was sure even Ashley would agree that now was not the moment, not when they had a homicidal krogan on their hands and a desperate need for a new plan to thwart Saren.

"What about me?"

Ashley still wore that same jaunty half-smirk that she always did, even if her eyes gave away how truly uncomfortable she was surrounded by so many strangers. "Oh, come on, Shep. Don't play dumb with me. You've been acting weird for a while now. Is this about Saren? Because—"

She clenched her hands into fists. "Not...entirely." She had been feeling off for a while and at first, she had been confused, not sure what it could possibly be, but after taking the time to think about it, it'd hit her, clear as day. She was just having a hard time admitting it, was all.

"All right, well what is it, then? Because it's pretty obvious that something's up. I'm just the only one who's decided to ask you about it, because I think you could use someone to talk to." Ashley took a step forward. She was still smiling, still content, but there was a hint of worry in her dark brown eyes. "How are you holding up?"

"I'm fine."

"Right. So if I go ask the LT over there if everything is _fine_, he'll say—"

"All right, all right. Just hang on for a second." Shepard ran a hand through her hair, the strands falling back into place slowly. "Okay. So...you remember my birthday?"

Ashley's smile widened. "How could I forget? You lost the bet."

"Right. That's exactly it. We went out the night before - you remember that - and then Kaidan and I went out the next day, on my actual birthday. And I..." She still couldn't even admit it to herself, much less out loud, the words sticking in her throat because it was just _too_ insane, _too_ impossible that in her life, that in the middle of all _this_, she would find...him. "Well, I lost the bet," she finished lamely.

Ashley's entire expression changed from one of confusion to perfect understanding, clarity dawning on her with a lewd grin. "_So_. You and the LT, huh?"

Shepard looked around, though there was nobody within a fifteen-foot radius of them. "Keep your voice down, Williams, before I shut you up permanently."

Ashley laughed. "Simmer down, Commander, I'm just messing with you. But seriously. Does he know?"

Shepard shrugged half-heartedly.

"So you haven't told him?"

"Why would I? I'm—and he's—and we're—" Shepard gesticulated around at herself, Ashley, and the current predicament they were in, on Virmire in the middle of the wildest chase that she had ever been a part of. With Saren still up to his machinations and the two of them being Alliance personnel, with her as his superior officer, no less, there was no part of her that could find the moment to drop that bomb, that yeah, just maybe, a large part of her...loved him.

Ashley just smiled knowingly. "With respect, ma'am, that's a bunch of bullshit."

Shepard sighed, dropping her hands. "Williams?"

"Yes, ma'am?"

"Go away."

Ashley did as she was told, still smiling.

If Shepard had known that would be one of the last times she would have spoken to Ashley without fear, she might have said something nicer, something better, something that let Ashley know just how much she meant to her.

* * *

Saren had been there, _right_ there, and he'd gotten away from her again, but none of that mattered because there was still the geth and there was still the bomb and a dread so pronounced that she was beginning to feel physically sick as a geth dropship soared overhead.

Ashley's voice filled the comm in Shepard's ear. "Heads up, LT. We just spotted a drop ship headed to your location."

"It's already here," Kaidan replied, breathing hard, in obvious strain. "There's geth pouring out all over the bomb site."

Shepard joined the fray, pressing two fingers to the indicator outside her helmet. "Can you hold them off?"

"There's too many. I don't think we can survive until you get here."

Shepard's stomach felt as if it was dropping, like she had just jumped from a high building. She was just about to ask something else when he spoke again.

"I'm activating the bomb."

Everything froze. Her lungs were made of ice, her heart a dull stone. She couldn't breathe, couldn't move, couldn't make a sound. She didn't understand what Kaidan was saying, needed him to clarify, and now. "Alenko, what the hell are you doing?"

"I'm just making sure this bomb goes off, no matter what." There was a pause filled with static and feedback, before Kaidan returned. "It's done, Commander. Go get Williams and get the hell out of here."

"No!" Ashley suddenly shouted into her comm. "No, no way. We can handle ourselves over here, Commander, do _not_ come back for us. Go get the LT."

Shepard understood it on a molecular level, understood what was being said; Ashley was telling her to leave her there and let her die in the blast, but Shepard didn't hear, _couldn't_ hear, because it sounded to her as if Ashley was suggesting she leave her best friend to die, and that was just something that she could not do, that she would not do. The professional in her was screaming at her, dragging its nails across the inside of her brain, trying to get her to move, but the personal side, the one who had heard the words said, was stuck.

_How? How can I choose between my best friend and the man I love?_

"I won't do it."

"Commander—"

"We could get you both, I know Joker could—"

"Too hot, Commander," Kaidan said, as Ashley's overlapped his, screaming evident in the background.

"There's no way out of this for me, all right? Just go grab the lieutenant and get out of here while you can."

Kaidan's voice rejoined the fray, a painful reminder of what was at stake. "No, Shepard, you can still save Ashley. Leave me behind."

_How how how how how how I can't not me this can't be happening_

"Not gonna happen, Alenko. You know it's not." Ashley breathed out on the other end of the comm. "It's me. It's always been me."

"Ashley—"

"Look," she said loudly, her voice breaking, "there isn't time! You need to get out of here. We'll hold them off."

Shepard closed her eyes. She knew. Like Ashley said, it had always been her. Maybe in a way, Shepard had always known this day would come, that she would have to choose in such a way that things would shift forever. That was why she was in charge, why the hard calls were hers to make, but no one had ever said they would be _this_ hard, that they would be the sort of thing that would rip her apart in ways most people could only imagine. When she had enlisted, her mother spinning her tales of honor and glory, this was not what she had expected. This was a reaction, she knew, a reaction to the idea of living without Kaidan, but she couldn't see another choice, especially not one that would hurt less. Down this road lay only pain, and she suddenly wanted out more than anything, if only to spare her soul the misery of what was in store for her.

_I'm so sorry I have to choose..._

Her throat constricted painfully, her voice coming out hoarse. "Alenko, radio Joker, tell him to meet us at the bomb site."

_...and that it isn't you._

There was a beat of silence before she heard Kaidan breathe out slowly into his comm. "Yes, Commander. I..."

"You know it's the right choice, LT." Ashley suddenly laughed a little on the other end, almost incredulously, but the sound was wet, thick. Shepard's heart fractured, the pieces drifting.

"Ashley. You are the most amazing woman I've ever met."

"Right back atcha, Shep. I'm taking fire, but you need to—tell my family, okay? Tell them I love them. And—" There was more gunfire from her end, more screams, this time from her. "Ah shit, I've been hit!"

Shepard didn't care that Tali and Garrus were standing behind her, listening to her side of the conversation; she cried out instinctively, a reflex. "No!"

"Not yet, Shepard, not yet. Tell them what I said, and make sure you tell _him_. Okay? Promise me that."

"I promise."

Ashley made a sound like a sigh. "Great. Too bad I never—" The comm went dead with a crackle, whatever Ashley had been about to say stolen from them.

Shepard screamed. "Ashley!"

There was nothing but static. Shepard couldn't believe it, refused to believe that she was gone, that there was no way to tell her how sorry she was, how much she had loved her for making her laugh, for making her realize just how she much she cared for Kaidan, for bringing out a better side of her that she didn't even know had been there. She remembered her birthday just three days before Ashley's, the night Ashley had convinced her to go out, and the bet they'd made before that.

"Alenko's in love with you," Ashley had said, dozens of times, Shepard never truly believing it.

"He is not," was her usual response, complete with an eye-roll.

"He is. And I bet that he's going to ask you out one of these days."

"Yeah, right. But you're on, Williams."

Shepard had lost the bet, and the consequence was for her to get a tattoo, anything that Ashley wanted. When she'd told her what it was, Shepard had been pleasantly surprised. For her to include Shepard in something that was obviously so important to her and her family was something she had never expected, but she was grateful nonetheless and agreed. She had then made another agreement with Ashley, that if she got the tattoo, Ashley had to get one in the same place. When she chose her ribs, Ashley only laughed.

Shepard reached down, touching her hand to the place below her left breast where she'd gotten the words inked into her skin. Even though she was wearing woven layers to protect herself, that simple touch seemed to reignite it with the pain of the needle as it pressed the words to her, taking her breath away. It was only when she realized that the pain was emotional, not physical, did she drop her hand.

"Shepard?" It was Tali, standing behind her. She sounded hesitant, almost afraid.

"Yeah," Shepard said, voice cracking. "Let's go."

* * *

There was no body that could be buried, no dog tags that Shepard could have hoped to save. There was just a book, the one she had bought Ashley as an early birthday present when they'd gone to the Citadel, something for her to hang on to, a little reminder to keep the faith.

And now she was giving it away.

It wasn't even supposed to be her - it was Anderson's job - but she had insisted. She had wanted to do it properly, to find her mother, to give it to her and explain why she had let her oldest daughter die, but the Council wouldn't let her, not when there was still Saren and the Reapers to take care of. So she met with who she could while they docked at the Citadel, wishing more than anything that she didn't have to do what she was about to.

She had never met the girl standing before her, but looking at her now, Shepard could see the resemblance between her and her older sister, mostly in the dark hair spilling down her back. Ashley had spoken of her younger sisters several times in their chats together, and about Abby she had said she was always "a little weird", a fan of romanticized tales of knights in shining armor. Even now, she was dressed like she was waiting to be rescued from a tower, but the long skirt sweeping the floor and the tightly tied corset emphasizing her waist were a midnight black, the color of mourning.

She was still looking down at the book in her hands, at the barely broken-in spine. Ashley could have only looked through it several times. A bookmark poked out of it, just a slip of paper; she ran her fingers over it almost reverently.

"And you said she..." Abby swallowed hard, before continuing. "It was to stop the geth?"

Shepard nodded. "Not just the geth, but a rogue Spectre named Saren Arterius, and a force of what we think are Reapers." She hesitated a moment, before adding, "It hasn't happened yet, but I've heard from some military officials that Ashley is going to be posthumously awarded the Silver Dagger and Nova Cluster."

Abby frowned, finally looking up at Shepard. "But those are—"

"From the salarian and turian governments, yes. She will be the first human to ever be decorated with them."

Abby frowned. "Why?"

"Because she died holding off an attack that saved dozens of lives, and not just humans. Ashley is—" Shepard caught herself, clearing her throat, "—_was_ a shining example of humanity's best. The salarians and turians agree, and want to show their gratitude to both her and your family."

She looked back down at the book. "So my sister is...gone, and they're sending us a couple of shiny metals. There seems something wrong about t-that..." Several tears dribbled down Abby's cheeks.

"I..." This was the part where she was supposed to hand over the folded flag of the Systems Alliance, the one emblazoned with their symbol and the Orion constellation, the part where she was supposed to say, _On behalf of the Systems Alliance, Earth, and the people of a grateful galaxy, please accept this flag as a symbol of our appreciation of your loved one's honorable and faithful service._

But she couldn't. The words stuck in her throat, as she stood there and watched Abby cry, shoulders shaking as she realized that she was now the oldest of the Williams girls, that she was the one who would be bearing the news home, carrying the proverbial coffin on her shoulders, the weight of it already threatening to pull her down. _And __I gave that to her._

Instead of doing what was formal and appropriate, Shepard threw protocol out the window and stepped forward, pulling Abby into a hug. The flag and the book—_The Collected Works of Alfred, Lord Tennyson—_were crushed between them, as Abby wormed an arm out and around Shepard as she held her close, closing her eyes and leaning her head against the younger woman. Slowly, the two of them sank down to the carpet beneath them, clinging to each other desperately.

"I'm sorry," she whispered. "Ashley was my best friend, and I—I am so sorry." She knew it wouldn't make anything better, but what else was there to say?

Somehow, in the murmured apologies, she was crying too, crying with Abby, tears streaming down her face because she was finally in a place she had never wanted to be, finally seeing the military and her life for what it truly was, finally hating her career for the first time in her life. It was then that she understood why her father had kept asking her before she enlisted if she was sure, if she was _absolutely_ _sure_ this was something she had wanted to do. She had vehemently defended her decision back then, but now, now she was starting to realize what he had been trying to warn her away from, and how much she should have listened.

When Abby was breathing normally again, she and Shepard parted. They were sitting in Shepard's apartment, the one she used every now and again when she was on the Citadel. When they were both standing once more, Shepard instructed one of the military police with her to fetch Abby a glass of water. While he did that, she calmly wiped her own face on the back of her sleeves, ignoring the fact she was wearing her formal blues. Abby managed a few sips of the glass of water, before setting it down on the coffee table. She looked around, seeing her surroundings but not really taking them in.

It was only when one of the military police behind Shepard cleared his throat that she nodded, holding up the flag. "Abby, this is for you. I know it won't help, but I know Ashley would have wanted you to have it."

Abby ran her fingers over it, touching each of the stars in Orion. She nodded, her throat working as she fought hard for control. "She would have been proud. For her to be honored the way you said... She'd always been obsessed with making up for our grandfather, for trying to bring respect to our name again. And I think that maybe—maybe she did it."

"She was a hell of a woman. I'm honored to have had the chance to serve along side her."

"Thank you, Commander. That means a lot. Like you said, it...it won't help, but it meant something to her, and it means something to our family." She clutched the flag to her chest, before looking down at the book where she had dropped it to the floor. She picked it up, letting it fall open to where the bookmark lay. With a hitched breath, she began to read.

_"Though much is taken, much abides; and though  
__We are not now that strength which in old days  
__Moved earth and heaven, that which we are, we are—  
__One equal temper of heroic hearts,  
__Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will  
__To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield."_

By the time she had finished reading, more tears had sprung to her eyes, but when she looked at Shepard this time, she seemed calmer, resolute. This wasn't the first time her family had seen death, and it wouldn't be the last. Perhaps she was stronger than anyone, even Ashley, had ever known. Slowly, she let the book fall shut. "Thank you, Commander," she said again, clearing her throat. "For coming to see me, and for the flag. I'll make sure our family knows."

"And I'll make sure everyone else does." When Abby looked confused, Shepard said, "Ashley Williams was a hero. I will personally make sure this galaxy never forgets that."

Abby's eyes shone. "Ashley Williams still _is_ a hero. My hero."

Shepard smiled as gently as she could, though her own face didn't seem to want to obey, wanting instead to collapse into more tears or nothingness, to let the hurt take over. "Mine, too."

"That's why I think she would want you to have this." Abby handed the book back to Shepard. "You obviously knew the significance it had to her, to our family. But now I believe it has significance to you." When Shepard tried to protest, Abby shook her head. "You were her best friend, and you...you gave her everything she needed to make her dream a reality. Take this at least to remember her by."

Silently, Shepard nodded. She accepted the book, holding it tightly in her hands. Abby looked ready to go, no longer willing to be in the presence of the people who had given her the news of her older sister's death. Shepard understood. She hugged Abby once more quickly, before walking her to the door. Abby had just turned to leave, when suddenly she turned back. Looking at Shepard, a fierce gleam to her bloodshot eyes, she raised her hand in a salute. Unconventional as it must have seemed to the military police with her, Shepard hesitated, but then saluted back. With that, Abby was gone, and the only remaining link Shepard had to Ashley was the book in her hands and the memories locked firmly away in her head.

The three of them left as well, Shepard locking up behind them. The two military police were eager to return to their HQ on the Citadel, and she was ready to return to the _Normandy_. And yet...

She stopped outside the apartment, opening the book to the front cover, where her own handwriting stared back at her. "_To Ash_," it read, "_With love, Alex._"

Beneath it, however, there was something else, something written with a different hand. "_Come, my friends,_" it said. "_'Tis not too late to seek a newer world._" Above it the date had been written. It was three days before Ashley had died.

There was a tap on her shoulder, interrupting the sudden volley of emotions threatening to spill out of her in a torrent. "Commander, you dropped this." One of the MPs handed her the bookmark, the slip of paper that had fallen out. She was about to crumple it up and toss it, when she noticed the handwriting on it as well, the swoops and curls of letters that were so familiar to her that she thought she was hallucinating. She turned it over, recognizing it immediately, the same handwriting as the other quote from "Ulysses."

_I am a part of all that I have met_

Ashley had written it on Shepard's birthday. It was her handwriting that had served as the tattoo on Shepard's ribcage, that line the one Ashley had chosen for her to have permanently inked upon her skin. And how right it was, for just as Abby had said Shepard had given Ashley everything, so had Ashley given Shepard everything in a friend she never would have imagined she'd have. Even with Ashley gone, she would still carry on the memories of the time they had spent together. A piece of her still existed in Shepard, like Shepard was a dreamcatcher, collecting all the dreams left behind of everyone she had ever known.

Smoothing out the piece of paper, she tucked it carefully back into the book. Leaving the apartments, they caught a cab off the apartment building's landing, Shepard climbing in first. "Take us down to the shops, will you?"

The MP closest to her glanced over. "Is there something you need, ma'am?"

Shepard nodded, looking out the window. "A picture frame."

_I am a part of all that I have met. One equal temper of heroic hearts, made weak by time and fate, but strong in will to strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield._

* * *

**Obviously credit for the lines from "Ulysses" go to Alfred, Lord Tennyson.**


	19. Are You With Me Now

**Thank you time! If you actually take the time, not only to read, but to fave, follow, and/or review as well, then you are my favorite people :)**

* * *

_Are you with me now?_

_Come back from the dead_

_You've been inside your head for too long_

-Sixx:A.M.

* * *

Shepard wasn't taking over, per se, preferring to work with Lieutenant Hill than to directly reroute control, but it was quite obvious that word of who she was had begun to spread through the ranks of the settlers; she could feel it in the eyes and whispers that followed her as she went outside to talk to Jack.

She was standing where Shepard had left her, arms more slightly relaxed than they had been. The rain had begun to pelt the planet harder, but the barrier that Jack still held kept it away from them. Shepard only hoped it would serve to deter the mercs, if nothing else.

Shepard stopped beside the shorter woman, standing next to her, gazing out at the dreary planet through the shimmering blue waves of the barrier.

Jack didn't look over at her, merely greeting her with a grunted "Shepard."

Shepard let out a breath. "They feed you?"

Jack nodded. "Just some protein bars and some bits of dried fruit, but that should tide me over. Got some water, too."

"Good."

There was a brief pause before Jack baldly said, "Shepard, what the fuck?"

Shepard looked at Jack, at the mud splattered over her and the dried blood on her face. "I was about to ask you the same thing. What happened?"

"Same as you. The shuttle went down, I started walking in the direction of the base when a ship flew over, puking smoke. It was obvious it had been shot down. Then a few merc ships followed, and I knew the story." She shrugged, looking nonchalant as she flicked a heavy-lidded glance towards Shepard. "I didn't mean to get mixed up in this shit, but they were between me and the base."

"Yeah, Joker was trying to tell me that, I think. Too bad our comms are down."

"You got to talk to him?" Jack actually turned to look at Shepard now, her eyes bright. "Did he tell you everything?"

Shepard shrugged. "More or less."

"Are you pissed off?"

"I was. Now I just want to get the fuck out of here."

Jack grinned. "Now you're speaking my language." The grin faded quickly though, as she continued to look at Shepard, eyes roving over her face as if she was searching for something. "You remember what I asked you?"

"Yeah. Do you remember what I told you?"

Jack nodded. "So we're still going to do this."

"Yeah, we are. I told you I would help you, and I don't shit on my promises." Shepard suddenly thought of Kaidan and her stomach clenched. That wasn't her fault though. Was it? It wasn't like she had run off and died on purpose. When she finally did come back, _he_ was the one who started all of it, not her. _So I didn't break any promise. Not that we made any, really._ Shepard's face heated and she shifted, turning slightly so Jack wouldn't see her flushed cheeks. _No promises with words, anyway._

Jack was lost in her own thoughts, too busy to notice Shepard's discomfort. Her eyes were far away. "Cerberus," she muttered with the same hatred dripping poison that reserved for the Illusive Man. "They just don't know when to fucking quit."

"Speaking of Cerberus," Shepard said. "Why did you leave?"

"What do you mean?"

"Why did you leave me and Kaidan?"

Jack narrowed her eyes. "What did you want me to do, carry you?" she asked gruffly.

"Well that's what I'm saying. Why did you go at all?"

"Why? You miss me?"

Shepard snorted. "Hardly. It would have saved us a lot of trouble, that's all."

"Next time I'll plan to make it more fucking _convenient_ for you," Jack sneered.

"Look, I'm not criticizing you. I just want to know. It doesn't matter because we're here now, so I don't care about then."

"Then why are you asking?"

"Because I want to know why you thought you could just go over there alone, with no bomb, no anything."

"I didn't think I could _do_ anything," Jack said hotly, scowling now. "I just—"

"What?"

"None of your fucking business, okay?" Jack rolled her shoulders, straightening her back. "Just drop it."

Shepard thought it was wise to do as she said, but she would get the truth eventually, whether Jack liked it or not. "All right, forget it. So what else can you tell me about this shitstorm?"

Jack lowered one hand to rub her fingers over the stubble of her shaved head, the power of her barrier transferring to her right arm. Shepard could see the glow flicker for the briefest second, before her right arm lowered by half an inch, trembling visibly. Shepard had no idea the power it was taking for her to maintain it, but Jack didn't even seem to notice, raising her left hand back up a moment later.

She shrugged. "I've only been here for about a day more than you. I kept going towards the base, and then I found this. One of the snipers nearly got me but I managed a shield and knocked a few of them on their pathetic asses. I wasn't even going to stop but—" She stopped short.

"But?"

She scowled, looking down at the ground. A red haze rose to her cheeks. "Some of them got kids with them. Real little ones, like babies. So I dunno, I just ran down here and threw up the barrier and that was it. They didn't question me and I didn't ask them much, either."

Shepard nodded. "Anything else?"

"Not really. I just know the mercs got a jamming tower, and that's why you can't get to Joker."

"Yeah, I already knew that. I think we're going to have to take it down so the Alliance can get these people out of here."

"Will they?" Jack asked evenly. Shepard held her gaze for a long minute, before Jack just shook her head. "Anyway, you'd better hope they do, because I'll be able to hold this maybe through the night before I'm done. You brought your boy-toy with you, right? He can take over for me."

"He's not nearly as strong as you are. I mean, yeah, Kaidan's strong, but you're—"

"_Subject Zero_," Jack said nastily, nodding. "I know. But unless you got some stims with you, I'm not going to last so someone is going to have to take over. Either you find someone else, or your boyfriend does it. Anymore biotics around here?"

Shepard shook her head mutely. She didn't know.

"Exactly. So he does it or we all die. Got it?"

"You don't need to explain a battle to me, Jack. I'm willing to bet I've seen more than you." Jack snarled at her, but she ignored it, wondering how the hell she was going to bring this up with Kaidan. Finally, she just dropped her hands and nodded. "All right, thanks for the heads up. I'm going to go help out. You yell if you need anything."

"Trust me, you'll be the first to know."

"Oh, and Jack?"

"What?"

"Kaidan's not my boyfriend."

Jack just smirked. Shaking her head, Shepard left the other woman behind, disappearing back into the blackened husk of the ship.

* * *

Shepard didn't get time to see Kaidan very much in the next few hours, and she was glad of the reprieve. For once, she wasn't thinking of him, of herself, or of their ridiculous situation, turning her attentions whole-heartedly to that of the settlers. Outside, she helped them build up and fortify the barricades they'd erected around the ship with crates of non-essential cargo and pieces of the hull, stopping every now and again to feed Jack and keep her updated, hoping to keep Jack's spirits high enough to keep her in this, worried that, if the moment came, Jack would forget about the little kids and tire of her role. She didn't need to be worried, however. The biotic seemed to be mildly entertained at least by the jungle surrounding them; every now and again, vines would begin to slither up the rounded sides of her barrier, and with barely contained glee, Jack would fry them with little bursts of power that popped and glowed like blue fireworks.

It seemed that at every given moment there was something else to be done. Lieutenant Hill had started coming to her with updates, and it was becoming more and more evident to her that the only one who didn't consider her in charge of the situation was herself. Well, Jack probably didn't either, but that went without saying. Just when she thought she had a moment to breathe, there was something else, some other disaster. After rationing their supplies, she had Hill round up the most promising settlers and spent the last hours of afternoon showing them how to use the few weapons they carried with them, setting up a target range for them to practice on. She wasn't particularly impressed, but she wasn't certain they'd die without a fight, either. At least it was something.

After choking down some non-perishables that had been in the ship's cargo hold for who-knew how long, she was in the makeshift infirmary, helping suture and bandage and console as the smell of blood rose around them like a wave. When the darkness around them began to thicken into an impenetrable blackness, Shepard knew she couldn't avoid it any longer and went looking for Kaidan.

She found him tending to some of the wounded, talking to a girl who looked about fifteen or sixteen. There were a number of empty, shriveled blood bags around her, but she still looked pale and weak. Her eyes, Shepard saw as she neared, were a brilliant green. _Like mine._

"Commander."

At the address of rank, Kaidan's spine seemed to straighten of its own accord, and he promptly turned away from the girl and towards Shepard. He did it stiffly, however, like he wanted to do anything else. She didn't care, couldn't care, not now. "Shepard."

"Can I talk to you for a sec?"

He nodded, looking back at the girl. "I'll be back."

Shepard led him into the damaged cockpit, nudging aside a vine with strange white tubers wiggling along its length so she could sit on a chair that had been knocked over and burned. Kaidan didn't sit, folding his arms over his chest instead and looking at her as patiently as he could, which she was grateful for, even if a small part of her did remember the time when he didn't _need_ to be patient with her. Swallowing it down, she pointed back towards the infirmary.

"Who was that?"

Kaidan cocked an eyebrow. "Is that really what you wanted to talk to me about?"

Shepard shrugged. "No, I was just wondering."

He must have felt guilty for his remarks, because he relaxed slightly, sighing. "Her name's Shanna. She's fifteen. She's biotic." He looked away. "She just lost her father."

Shepard lowered her head. "That's awful."

"Yeah. Shanna and her mother were just looking for a new start, and this is what happens to them." He shook his head. "Anyway, what did you want?"

"Jack needs a bathroom break. Do you think you could cover the barrier for a little while?"

Kaidan looked at her for a long moment, before he nodded. "Yeah, okay."

"Look, I know how you feel about your power, and—"

"No, you don't. You know how I _felt_, back when—" He just shook his head, too many words fitting into that space, all of it too much to say now. "Back then. Not now."

Shepard looked up at him. "What do you mean?"

"It's been two years, Shepard. And even back when we were a crew together, even then I was starting to let go. Because after everything I saw and did with you, after Eden Prime, after Virmire, after—well, after all of it, there just wasn't a time or place for me to hold back anymore." He let his arms fall, turning away. "So thanks for the thought, but—"

Shepard quickly stood, her temper sharpening. "So is that it?"

"Yeah. That's it."

"I was just trying to be considerate, all right? How was I supposed to know that you don't care about using your powers now?"

He spun back around. "I care. Every single time I use them, I care."

"All right, fine, you care! I'm just saying I thought it would be hard for you, and I was trying—"

"Well, it's not Shepard, not anymore." His eyes turned steely. "There are a lot of things I've gotten over in the last few years."

She had been thinking of something scalding, something intended to hurt, something to find out why he was snapping and snarling at her so suddenly, when he did it for her. She turned towards him, just staring at him for a moment, at the way his fingers kept clenching almost imperceptibly and the jumping in his jaw that told her just how hard he was biting down to keep a lid on his temper. She had always been the angrier one, the one more consumed by that fire, but something had set him off.

It didn't take her long to guess what.

"This is about earlier."

"Of course it is!" The words exploded out of him, like he had been waiting for her to bring it up all along.

"Kaidan, don't get me wrong, I would love to fight with you—it seems like that's all I've got to look forward to—but there really isn't time. Not now."

"So we're just not going to talk about it? We're just not going to mention how you and I were pointing guns at each other, how you asked me to _kill_ you?" She opened her mouth to respond, but he overrode her reply. "And what about you almost killing yourself?"

"I wouldn't have done it," Shepard said quietly, though she heard a voice in her head say, _You were pulling the trigger. __You were using him, but you were pulling the trigger._

The way Kaidan looked at her made her feel as if he could hear the lies sounding off in her head. "You wouldn't have?"

Too late she realized that those were not the words he was looking for. "Couldn't have. I didn't _mean_ it, Kaidan, it's just that I..." She ran a hand through her hair again, strands snagging on her broken, muddy fingernails. "I got low, all right? It happens to everyone. Happened to my dad, happened to—"

"Your mom?"

Shepard shook her head, taken aback. _No_, her mind whispered. _No, it never happened to her, not once, never ever._ _Just me and dad, the weak ones._ She shook her head more fervently, holding up a hand. "That doesn't matter, all right? None of this fucking matters!"

"How can it not matter? _You—_"

"Commander, listen to me." Her voice sharpened, so practiced so perfectly, that he immediately fell silent. "There are about one hundred and fifty people here. Are you listening to me? One hundred and fifty. There were two hundred when they set out. That means that _one fourth_ one of them are already dead or went missing in the crash and are presumed dead. Unfortunately we can't send out scouts to look for them. The other people here who are still alive and still fighting understand that. Do you?"

Kaidan nodded, a mere jerk of the head that she considered sufficient.

"What we need to do now is ensure that those other hundred and fifty people survive. Some of them are women and children, Commander. Some of them are hurt, some of them are already dying. We _cannot_ help them if this is what we're focusing on. Are you following me?"

Kaidan hesitated. He didn't nod.

She eased off on the military official part of her, taking a step forward. "Kaidan, I understand where you're coming from. What happened... It escalated to a place I never wanted to go, and I'm sorry for that. We both said and did some things in the heat of the moment, and now you have questions. But right now, I can't give you any answers. Someday, you'll have all the answers—and even then, you still won't, not from the rest of the world. But you'll have all the answers from me that I can give. Until then, we need to work together to help these people get out of here."

_Even if we don't make it out of here._ She left the words unspoken, certain that he already knew what was at stake. If he didn't, he wouldn't be there with her, the way he always was—or used to be.

Finally, he nodded. "All right. I'll drop it. But I need to know something, Shepard."

She knew before he even asked, but she needed to ask, to delay, to hold onto the railing of what was left and steady herself before that strong wind came to rip out the ground from beneath her. "What?"

"Can I trust you with a gun in your hands?"

Shepard suddenly smiled, just a little bit. "You trusted me with a gun in my hands when you thought I might be indoctrinated and harmful to others, but you don't trust me with a gun in my hands when I'm a danger to myself?"

He looked away quickly, but it dawned on her the moment the words left her mouth, and she didn't need to see it in his eyes. Despite it all, he was worried about her. Despite everything he had said, every thing they had done and all of his misgivings, he was afraid not of what she would do to him or anyone else around them, but what she would do to herself.

She took a halting step forward without meaning to, the implications of his concern weighing on her while simultaneously making her heart beat faster. "Kaidan?"

"I don't trust you, Shepard," he said gruffly, his voice thick. "With a weapon or at all. But you're a soldier; what would you be without one?"

She shrugged, hopes diminishing. "Nothing, I guess." That wasn't true—she was still Alex at the end of the day—but she didn't care enough to dispute him, not anymore. "And the answer is yes."

"Yes?"

"Yes, you can trust me with a gun in my hands. I'll be a little busy fighting the mercs when it comes down to it."

Kaidan seemed satisfied by that answer as he nodded. "Good. So—"

"But now I have a question for you."

He eyed her warily. "What?"

"Can I rely on you to fight with me, not against me?" When he didn't immediately answer, she went on. "I know I'm not the ideal. But you know neither of us can do this alone."

Finally, he nodded, looking down. "Yeah," he said, his voice quiet. "Yeah, you can rely on me."

"Okay. That's all I need to know."

His head snapped back up, his face changing, hiding his emotions right before her eyes. "So. You wanted me to take over for Jack?"

Shepard nodded. "Not for long. She said she can probably last the night, as long as she eats and stays hydrated, but she may need you in the morning."

"She?"

"You know. We. For the barrier."

"Of course." He pointed towards the entryway. "Can I go, then?"

"I never said you couldn't," she said softly, as he strode away without waiting for her answer. _I never said you couldn't._

She wandered back into the ship, her body feeling slow and jerky, like it might shudder to a stop and refuse to move soon. She tried to remember the last time she had slept, the last time she ate, and they seemed so long ago that it made her head spin. For the sake of her body's maintenance, she quickly stooped, filling a rare empty chair, just for a moment to get her breath back. She couldn't help but feel that Kaidan had something to do with it, as always.

He had a point. She probably couldn't be trusted with a gun, not after that display. She didn't know what had come over her, but something about his eyes had always made her want to be honest, and in that moment, she had, her true feelings coming through. The bottom line was that she was alive, but she didn't know herself anymore. She knew her body, knew all the familiar strings to pull, the buttons to push, but she didn't know _Shepard_ anymore. And it was Shepard that was damaged the most.

And maybe she did want to go back. Was that so bad? Her father had once told her of his belief that all people had an allotted time in life and when that hourglass was empty, they died, simple as that. He'd had lung cancer and had survived, telling her afterward that "it must not be my time yet." She had been the one to die, years later. So what if that had been her time? What if she was _meant_ to die at that moment, in that way?

It reminded her of a vid she'd seen once, of a man who could see how many years a person had to live on their foreheads. Nobody else could see it, just this man. Some people had many years left, some people had only few. The only person whose number he couldn't see was his own. What if it had been that way for her? What if she had been born with an invisible twenty-nine on her forehead, warning those who could see it that when it came, that would be her last year to live? What if her entire life had been a countdown, building towards that inevitable moment?

She had never bothered to ask her father what happened to those whose time ran out and they lived for more days anyway, squeezing the hourglass for grains of sand it didn't have. Wasn't it a matter of time before the hourglass shattered? Wasn't it a matter of time before something that volatile gave in and broke from the strain? _I'm living on borrowed time, time that isn't mine_. Maybe this was the way it was supposed to be. Maybe Fate was just taking back what it was owed.

It was no wonder she thought often of returning to the warm place. If it wasn't such a lowly death, being killed by a filthy, honorless _merc—_and probably a batarian to boot—she might have considered just going out there beyond the barricade and standing beneath their firing squad, letting them pepper her with rounds. If it was to help the settlers escape, she would do it. But for any other reason, Shepard—unfortunately—had higher standards than that.

After all, that was the one thing that she thought she got from both her parents: She wanted to be killed by a worthy adversary. Back then, before being confronted with her mortality, she—like everyone else—hadn't wanted to die. She hadn't wanted to be killed. But after coming back, she had begun to think about it, think about her mother's love for fighting and her fanaticism, her father's tales of Ancient Greece and Rome and of Alexander the Great, who stopped at nothing to build the greatest empire Earth had ever seen, and suddenly, her thoughts had changed. Her feelings had changed. When it came down to it, she wanted to die, and she wanted it to be at the hands of a deserving opponent.

Which made her wonder: What would it have been like to be killed by someone she respected, to have that final below delivered with mercy, with love? What would it be like to be killed by Kaidan? She had to imagine it was infinitely better than being murdered by someone who wanted her dead. After all, it would kill him to do so, and then in a sick sort of way, they would both be dead, together. If that wasn't eternal love, she didn't know what was. Not that she believed in that sort of shit. And not that she would ever want him to do that, _because_ it would kill him, and she couldn't imagine the ruin his life would be if she asked that of him. _Selfish_, she told herself. _Utterly selfish_.

Still. She wondered.

With night falling, Lieutenant Hill tracked her down and the two of them helped hand out rations of food, hygiene products, and blankets. Kaidan eventually returned to the infirmary, and he ate his meal with Shanna and who Shepard assumed was the girl's mother. She ate alone, barely tasting the food, not that there was much taste to be had. She watched them talk from her seat across the room beside Corvus, who had woken only to swallow down some water and have fresh medi-gel applied before he was sleeping again. When she was done eating, she held his hand, just for a little while.

She was shaken awake sometime later, her head snapping up on her neck, a sharp knife of pain shooting into her as she did. She had fallen asleep slumped in the chair, still clasping Corvus' hand. His father was standing there looking down at her, a bemused smile on his face.

"Sorry," Shepard said, quickly taking her hand from Corvus and wiping her face. "How long was I out?"

"A few hours. Not long. We've got patrols set up and a system of guards that changes every four hours so people can get some sleep in. You're on a shift, if that's all right."

"Yeah, no, of course. I expected that." She looked around, at the dimness of the infirmary, of the two or three emergency lights still on, at the sleeping forms, before lowering her voice. "Where's Commander Alenko?"

"Holding the barrier. He wanted to give Jack some time to rest. She said if she can get in a few hours, she can take it again in the morning because I wanted you and Commander Alenko to do something for me."

Shepard sat up straight in the chair, her back screaming in pain. She tried her hardest to ignore it. "Of course. What is it?"

"You two are the most experienced officers here. I think if you take one or two of the others with you, you might just be able to take out that jamming tower." His brow creased, his face a mask of worry. "We _need_ to contact our other ships and tell them what's happened here so they don't come along and fall into our trap. The mercs are waiting for us, yeah, but once they know those other ships are coming, I'm sure they'll go for them, too."

Shepard nodded. "They will, and they might just win, too."

"Exactly. We need to reach the Alliance and organize some sort of rescue. The problem is that we don't have anything to transmit."

Shepard pointed to her ear. "I do. Luckily, it's still functioning. Or, it was, before the signal interrupted it. If we get that signal down, I can reach my pilot on the other end. He can radio Alliance personnel, and let them know he's picked up a distress call." She looked at Marcus. "I wish our ship could carry all of you, but—"

Marcus made a face, waving his hand. "Not necessary, Commander. The Alliance will come for us. They haven't let us down yet."

_Well, that makes one of us. _Shepard nodded, bringing her attention back to Marcus. "So I take it you have a plan, Lieutenant?"

He stared at her for a moment as if he thought she was mocking him. When she just raised her eyebrows, waiting, he nodded enthusiastically. "Yes, Commander."

"I'd love to hear it."

He pulled up a chair to sit beside her and his son, and the work began.


	20. Eyes Open

**Hey everyone, sorry for the long wait. I had so much to do at the end of the semester, but now that school's done for the summer, I'm back to writing :) Thanks for being so patient. Check my profile for updates!**

* * *

_So here you are, two steps ahead and staying on guard_

_Every lesson forms a new scar_

-Taylor Swift

* * *

Shepard drifted in and out of sleep, waking before dawn, if she could call it that. She stood outside in the humid, damp air, looking up at the weak light filtering in through the gray clouds, making a face. She couldn't wait to be off Pragia, to take a shower and change into clothes that weren't stained with sweat and mud and the ever-falling rain. In that moment, she thought she might want those things more than fixing her relationship with Kaidan. That could come later, if it happened at all. Right then in that moment, it was the little things that Shepard thought of to stay focused. _Soon_, she told herself. _Soon._

Jack was once again manning the barrier, and Shepard brought her breakfast. The two ate out there, not speaking much as they chewed protein cubes and drank what little tepid water they had. When Shepard was finished, she crumpled up the protein wrapper in her hands, feeling the paper crush beneath her fingers, holding so tightly that her knuckles ached.

"So we're leaving," she said, not looking at Jack.

"Leaving?" Jack asked sharply. "What do you mean, leaving?"

"We have to take down that jamming tower."

Jack seemed to relax, if barely. "Right," she said, nodding briskly. "Yeah. Well, good luck or whatever."

Shepard took a deep breath. "That's the thing. I don't..." She broke off, reaching up to scratch her eyebrow, to run a hand through her limp hair, to do any little thing for the moment to try to distract herself from what she was about to say. "We don't really have the right supplies, or any supplies for combat, for that matter. But this is a thing that _needs_ to happen, so we need to do it anyway. Do you see what I'm saying?"

Jack looked over at her. "Is this a suicide mission, Shepard?"

"It may be looking that way, yeah."

"Don't dance around answers with me," Jack snarled, pointing a finger at her. The barrier shifted as all her focus switched her to right arm. "I'm not your fucking Alliance boyfriend, it's a yes or it's a no. Which is it?"

Shepard met Jack's gaze as boldly as possible, wanting to be honest, especially if her second death was coming. _Atonement, for all that I've done—and not done._ "Yes."

Jack looked away. "You promised me we would blow up the Cerberus base," she muttered darkly.

"I promised a lot of people things."

Suddenly, surprising Shepard, Jack laughed loudly. "Can you imagine how pissed the Illusive Man is going to be when he finds out you're dead?" She laughed again. "I want to be there. I want to see the look on his fucking face when he finds out precious Commander Shepard is dead." She must have realized how vicious that last part sounded, because she looked at Shepard out of the corner of her eye. "No offense or whatever."

"None taken. I'd like to be there myself." She smirked, shaking her head. "He'll probably just try to rebuild me again."

Jack scoffed. "It sure as shit hasn't stopped him in the past." She glanced at Shepard, her face somewhat sobered as she eyed the soldier. "So you seem weirdly okay with it. Not that I give a shit or anything. Do whatever you want."

"Thanks...I guess." Shepard shrugged. "It's been a long time coming."

Jack frowned. "What are you talking about? You were just dead. How long has it been since you've been back?"

"A few months."

"So how is that a long time?"

"It's not, but..." Shepard looked down at the wrapper in her hands. She had held it so tightly that it was coiled into a different shape, the lines in it making it nearly unrecognizable. "What if I wasn't supposed to come back? What if I was supposed to stay dead? I'm not saying I believe in anything like that, but when you go playing God like that... It just seems wrong."

"Playing God. That's what Cerberus has been doing for a long time, before you even came along. Are they supposed to do any of the things they do? Fuck no. But they do them anyway, because they can. God and mystical shit doesn't have anything to do with it." Jack looked at her, eyes serious. "I probably shouldn't be alive, you know. Not after...well, after all the shit I've done in my life. But I'm still here. Sometimes we're right where we're supposed to be." She grinned. "Or some shit like that, I don't know. I don't want to play therapist with you, Shepard."

"No, it's okay."

"For you, maybe. It's making me wanna fucking die _with_ you." Jack's smile faded somewhat. "So I guess you should probably go."

"Yeah."

"Shepard?"

She turned back to look at Jack. "Hm?"

Jack looked as if she was going to say something serious, but instead, she just grinned wickedly. "If it happens, don't die like a pussy."

Shepard nodded, mouth twisting into a half-smile. "I'll try to remember that." She started walking away, when all of a sudden she stopped, her entire body still.

Jack glanced at her over her shoulder. "Shepard?"

Shepard held up a hand, quieting Jack. Slowly, her boots making no noise in the tracks of mud beneath her feet, she turned, gazing out at the sky. Jack opened her mouth to ask what was going on, when Shepard shushed her loudly, squinting against the barely brightening sky.

After a minute, she asked, "Do you hear that?"

"Hear what?"

Shepard's eyes flicked towards Jack, the green hard and annoyed. "_Listen_."

If it was anyone else, she might have told them to go fuck themselves, but because it was Shepard—Shepard who had picked her ass up and taken her away from Purgatory, Shepard who had promised to help her even though it didn't directly benefit her in some way despite it violating what could be a dozen rules laid down by her temporary superior, Shepard who was possibly about to die—Jack did as she was told.

She looked out beyond the barrier towards the sky, closing her eyes, trying to block out the noise of the settlers starting to wake: giving orders if they were in charge, groaning in renewed pain if they were injured, or hushing the children who were crying for breakfast. She frowned, but finally, she heard it, just beyond the edge of everything else: A high whistling sound, like something moving through the air very fast.

She turned her head towards Shepard so quickly that she saw spots. "A ship."

Shepard nodded. "A ship."

The droning whine grew louder, coming towards them. Kaidan heard it next, coming out of the ship freshly dressed in the clothes that he had washed the night before, the shirt wrinkled. There were shadows under his eyes, stubble across his jaw, and his hair was more unkempt than usual, but he looked much better, if not confused by what the sound was.

"What's going on?" he asked, not looking at either of them, but out, towards the source of the noise.

"Ship."

"We think," Shepard added.

"Fuck that, it's a ship. You know it is."

Shepard shrugged. It was true enough that she had been on plenty in her lifetime, but when you spent most of that time on ships in _space_, there was no sound to them cutting through the dead air, it was just eerie silence. This kind of sound took Shepard back to her N7 training, to Eden Prime, to Virmire. This was some sort of drop ship. _But dropping what?, _she wondered._ More mercs? If there's any kind of god out there, here's where I'd start praying._

The sound became even louder, drawing Marcus and a handful of the settlers from inside the ship, all of them looking to the sky, wondering what was about to happen. Shepard held a hand up to shield her eyes, just as a shadow moved into her sight over the treeline, breaking through the low clouds, roaring through the air.

Some of the settlers cried out behind her, but she didn't, struggling to see what it was, _who_ it was. She took note of the heavily armored hull as it flew nearer, her heart suddenly stirring. Was it—? But it _couldn't_ be... The mercs had taken notice of it, and shot at it almost lazily, the rounds pinging off the armor. Suddenly the back opened, and something came careening out: An enormous crate, and attached to it, a parachute that sprang to life as it began to fall. The ship continued on straight overhead, giving Shepard a perfect view of the make and model, but there were no insignias, no blood paint, nothing. Shepard frowned, watching as the crate floated northeast of their position, before the parachute snagged in some trees and went down.

One of the settlers behind her exclaimed, "It's a bomb! The mercs sent a bomb!"

Jack rolled her eyes. "Why would they shoot at their own ship while it was carrying a bomb? Use your fuckin' head, lady."

"Maybe they did that just to throw us off!"

"No," Shepard said, turning to face Marcus. "No, they wouldn't. It was a dropship."

"Alliance?" he asked.

Shepard shook her head. "There would have been an insignia on the side. It was just a stock Kodiak."

"And you don't have any idea who it could be?"

"What about you?" Kaidan said, looking at Shepard. "Your crew, I mean."

The distinction was so tiny and so insignificant but in that moment, it hurt all the same. _Her_ crew now. Not theirs. Not his. "The _Normandy_? I guess they could have sent something." She looked over at Marcus. "To find out, we need to go and get it."

"Do you think that's a good idea?" Kaidan asked. "Those mercs know it's here. They'll go after it, too."

"Well we need to know what it is. And what if it helps us?" Shepard sent a glare at him, mentally willing him to comply. _Don't fight me on this, not now. _

"I agree with you both," Marcus said sagely, nodding. "We need to get that crate, but there's no sense in taking needless risks. We should send a small team."

The woman who had exclaimed grabbed Marcus' arm. "You can't be serious."

"What if it's food? Arms? Medical supplies? We need any help we can get right now, and if it was meant for the mercs, even better. It has to be done."

Shepard nodded in agreement, clapping her hands. "So all right, new plan: Commander Alenko and I will go get it." Kaidan shot her a look, but remained silent. "We'll bring it back here."

Immediately, Marcus stepped forward, shaking his head. "The two of you can't go alone."

"Yeah," Jack threw in, scowling. "You're no use to me dead. I know what I said just now, but I need you alive to destroy that base."

Shepard rolled her eyes. "I'm so glad you care, Jack."

"No, she's right," Marcus said, hands on his hips. "Look, you two have the most combat experience out of anyone here, so I get it. But you're our best hope to hang on to until the Alliance get here, and it's just too dangerous to send the two of you out alone."

Shepard exchanged a look with Kaidan, problems once again forgotten. He gave a little shrug and nodded, before she turned back to Marcus. "All right, Lieutenant, we'll take someone else. But we're not taking you."

He looked stunned, before his bushy red eyebrows collapsed into a frown. "And why the hell not, _Commander_?"

"Because your people need you here. With us gone, _you_ are their best hope to survive until you're rescued, and they need someone familiar, someone steady that they can rely on. You should know how important morale is to the battlefield."

Slowly, Marcus nodded, his frown easing up with reluctance. "Yeah, I know. All right, I'll stay behind. But who will you take with you?"

Shepard thought of the few soldiers that had come with Marcus, the ones she had heard about from him and the names that had gone floating back and forth across the infirmary. "Ryzak and Collins. The others can stay with you."

Marcus didn't look happy about it, but he nodded anyway. "I'll let 'em know."

The other settlers looked fearful as they hurried back into the ship, the news already spreading like wildfire among the people. Marcus headed inside as well, most likely to hunt down Ryzak and Collins to let them know what they needed of them, leaving Jack, Kaidan, and Shepard outside.

The barrier above them hummed slightly, as Jack pointedly kept her back to them. Shepard felt more awkward than she had in a long time, strongly resisting the urge to scuff her boots against the ground like she used to as a spotty-faced preteen growing up on dreadnoughts and carriers.

Finally, she looked over at Kaidan, biting her lip. "Sorry about that."

"About what? Arguing with me in front of these people, or volunteering me?"

"I'd hardly call that arguing, especially after the last couple of days. And you said you were going to work with me. So maybe you should."

Kaidan's jaw was clenched again in that way that Shepard had realized was him being stubborn. "And that includes taking orders?"

"No, I'm not in charge, it's just... You don't have to fight me on everything, you know. Just because of all _this_." She gestured around at their situation.

"I'll keep that in mind, Commander." He said it almost mockingly.

Shepard stared at him, taken aback. "Good."

"Okay."

She scowled. "_Fine._"

He turned on one heel and walked back to the ship. Shepard watched him go, hands on her hips. From behind her, there was a snicker.

"Well, you really handled yourself on that one."

"Shut up, Jack."

* * *

The bridge of the downed ship became their command central, and the four of them "suited up" as best as they could under Lieutenant Hill's watchful gaze. Each of them got a weapon and a sidearm. That was the best that they could manage under the circumstances, but for Shepard, it was almost enough.

She glanced at the two younger marines beside them, wondering if _they_ would be enough. It had taken all of Hill's willpower to explain to them—and make them believe him—that yes, she was Commander Shepard, and that they needed to treat this like any other mission, regardless of the legend standing before them. She could understand their hesitance; if Anderson had asked her to follow a ghost into combat in her younger days, she would have voiced her doubts immediately. But none of them could deny the importance of the mission that lay before them. To shut down the jamming tower, protect them from the mercs, and help keep the settlers alive, they needed the supplies in that care package. She was glad they could fall in line for that reason alone, hoping that when it came down to it, they would respond as well to following her orders as she knew Alliance marines could.

"Uh, Commander Shepard?" Service Chief Corinne Ryzak blinked up at her with enormous dark eyes framed by black lashes. "No disrespect, ma'am, but how are we doing this?"

"Yeah," Corporal Adam Collins chimed in. His voice was wavering, though he tried hard to control it. "What's the plan, ma'am?"

"The plan," Shepard said, shoving several thermal clips into the many pockets adorning her pants, "is for us to find that care package as quickly and quietly as possible. We need to know what's inside, and if it's useful to us, we need to take it." She looked over at them, at the barely-disguised fear she could see in both of their eyes. "I won't lie to you, it won't be easy. Yeah, the care package is nearby, but I'd be willing to bet all my ammo right now that a small team of mercs are on their way to try and grab it before we do. So it's our job to beat them to it—or stop them from taking it. By any means necessary."

Shepard paused, glancing at Kaidan. He had his arms folded over his chest, looking at the ground as he leaned against one of the fried terminals, the screen burnt out and blackened. "I'll take point. Commander Alenko, you'll cover the rear. Understood?"

Kaidan nodded, rubbing his thumb over his bottom lip idly.

"Good. Are we ready?" The other three nodded, and Shepard turned to look at Hill. "All right, Lieutenant. We'll go out through this opening here, but you might be able to give us a distraction."

Marcus nodded. "Tell me what you need, Commander."

"The people at the barricade. Have them fire on the mercs. They don't even need to hit them, just have them fire and make a lot of noise and commotion. It may draw their attention to their own defenses for a while and take their mind off our target."

Marcus nodded. "Yes, ma'am." He offered his hand, and the two of them clasped forearms. "Good luck, Commander."

"You, too."

With a gesture, Shepard signaled for the four of them to leave through the gash in the hull. They climbed over the vines spilling inside, to the brightening day outside, where Jack's barrier was waiting for them. Shepard laid her hand against it like she had when she and Kaidan had first arrived. Rather than shocking her this time, an opening promptly appeared, and the four of them marched through it, out into the wild. Shepard thought about looking back, but she didn't know what purpose that would serve, other than reminding her of what was at stake. For once, that reminder wasn't necessary.

The rain had momentarily stopped, but the air was just as heavy as it had been when Shepard had first woken to it. The hair at the back of her neck clung to her skin with sweat, and her shirt stuck to her, damp from the moisture. Needless to say, it was an uncomfortable trek, especially with them keeping a jogging pace, and with the two marines in between her and Kaidan finding it incredibly difficult to keep their footing. Shepard imagined that they hadn't been outside much since the crash landing, not like she and Kaidan had been; they had learned to maneuver through the low plants and the mud that tried to drag them down, treading lightly over roots and fallen logs. Ryzak and Collins, however, were constantly tripping and cursing. Shepard grimaced, remembering that feeling earlier in their stay. The arguing hadn't made it any easier, especially now.

_Stop it,_ she told herself fiercely. _Focus on the mission. _She did her hardest to obey her own advice, thinking instead of the dropship and its mysterious sender.

"Commander," Ryzak whispered about fifteen minutes into their journey. "May I ask you a question?"

"You typically question your superiors whilst on missions, Chief?"

She shook her head. "No, ma'am, but I... was curious about the rumors about you."

Collins smacked Ryzak on her shoulder. "Ry, you can't just _ask_ her about that. It's disrespectful."

"But there _are_ rumors surrounding her, Collins, aren't you curious—"

"It's all right," Shepard said, eyes up, looking at the trees. They still had a ways to go, but she wanted to make sure there wasn't some ambush out there waiting for them. "Asking me to my face is brave. Stupid, but pretty brave." Ryzak's caramel skin flushed with pleasure as Shepard went on. "Right now, however, it's best that we don't discuss them. But I promise if things go according to plan, you'll hear it all straight from me."

As if on cue, Kaidan asked, "Will she?"

Ryzak and Collins looked between the two of them before exchanging a look of their own. Shepard gritted her teeth. Any other time, she would have taken it, but not when they were on a mission, and not in front of two marines that she was responsible for.

"Yes," Shepard said firmly. "Yes, she will."

They didn't speak for the rest of the twenty minutes it took to reach the clearing. Shepard kept her eyes open, alert, listening for any sounds that might be unusual. It wasn't easy; with all of the unseen wildlife creaking, chirping, hissing, and buzzing, there could have been a number of things a regular person might have missed. But then again, she wasn't a regular person.

She saw the parachute before the clearing itself, through a small gap in the canopy. It was up ahead, snagged into a dozen branches, torn almost to shreds. Shepard halted them with her hand, pointing up through the trees so they could see.

"It's just up ahead," she whispered. "Everyone be ready."

Slowly and more quietly, they crouched through the leaves and tendrils stretching before them. With a variety of hand signals and her gun at the ready, they crept ahead, until they right at the edge of the clearing, if it could even be called that. Grass and plants still overwhelmed each other up to the knee, but there were no trees in that small circular area, save for the ones surrounding it. Vivid yellow and orange flowers with thorny stems grew in patches, bobbing calmly in the air. In the distance, the familiar sound of thunder struck.

Across the clearing from them was the care package. Some of the wires holding it to the parachute had snapped, and it lay just beneath the tree on its side. It was scratched and scuffed, but otherwise unharmed. With her hands circling her eyes as makeshift binoculars, she still couldn't make out any insignia or notification as to who had sent it.

"Now what?" Kaidan asked, his voice low.

"Collins and I will circle around. You and Ryzak stay here and cover us."

"Are you sure?"

Shepard turned, looking at him over her shoulder. She couldn't tell if he was more worried about her or about Collins. She would bet on the latter. Either way, it probably wasn't good; he perceived her as a threat, and not in a good way. She was starting to think he wasn't wrong.

She nodded sternly. "We'll be fine." Jerking her chin towards the direction they would be taking, she set off, Collins at her heels.

The two of them crouched and crawled, nearly on their stomachs at some points due to the low-growing plants that they needed to hide behind. They were soaked with day-old rain and rancid mud that had turned green, but Shepard was no longer worrying about her comfort. Finally, they stopped, halting behind the tree holding the parachute. Collins was breathing hard, but Shepard had a feeling it had more to do with fear than any real physical exertion on his part.

She leaned out to see around the trunk, but the clearing was just the same as it had been, empty save for the care package, and as quiet as it could be. She swung back around, checking her gun and glancing over at Collins.

"All right, I'm making a run for it. Are you prepared to cover me?"

His eyes went wide. "Commander?"

"You heard me. We need this thing, and we're not just going to magically get it by sitting here and doing nothing. So I'm going to make a run for it. You need to cover me and make sure I don't get shot in case there _is_ an ambush. Do you understand?"

Collins nodded, swallowing hard. "Yes, ma'am."

Shepard nodded as well, before taking a deep breath. Letting it out, she knelt down, creeping around the edge of the tree. Her eyes moved constantly, roving, taking note of every rain drop falling from a leaf, of every flower moving slightly, of every bug flitting through the air, keeping track of the movement, of the flow. Anything out of order, and she would know it the very second it happened.

When nothing threatening appeared, she walked forward in a crouch, taking one step. Again, nothing happened. When she took a second step, she caught a flash of movement across the clearing, but it turned out to be Kaidan, his dark eyes finding hers across the distance. _What are you doing?_ She could practically hear him say it, as if he was right next to her. She simply nodded at him and kept going.

Three steps and she was beside the care package. She ran her free hand over it, searching for explosive devices or anything else that might cause alarm. Again, nothing. Securing her fingers around one of the handles, she tipped it so that it was lying horizontally. It landed with a heavy, wet thump. She held her breath, body tense, as she looked around. Still nothing.

She narrowed her eyes. How could there still be nothing? _This is almost too—_

She heard the whistling before she finished the thought. Body kicking into action, Shepard stood and dived out of the way, plunging into the undergrowth beside the tree. The grenade hit the ground beside the care package, exploding on impact. The care package went flying across the clearing, while plants and mud shot into the air, careening in all directions. The yellow and orange flowers similarly burst into clouds of light, fluffy seeds that took to the air.

Shepard sat up, before ducking back down as shots blazed overhead. If it hadn't been an ambush before, it was now. Everything around the clearing was moving, and she could hear Kaidan shouting to _Get down!_ She did as he said, staying where she was, lying beneath several ferns. She didn't know how many there were, only that there were more than them. Mercs suddenly burst out of the jungle feet from her, and she heard Collins' sharp intake of breath. Without thinking, Shepard sat up, aiming. There was a batarian and a ragged-looking human, someone who looked too much like her own ragtag group. Shepard let out a breath and fired twice, the rounds hitting the human square in the chest. His eyes opened wide, his lips parting, before he slumped to the ground. The batarian grunted, swinging around with his assault rifle, aiming at her. Her arm was still in motion, and she was watching it, realizing all at once that she was too slow, unable to—

Two more shots. The batarian, like his companion, bowed backwards and fell, swallowed up the environment. Shepard looked to her right, where Collins was still sitting with his back against the tree. He met her gaze, looking shell-shocked.

"Nice work, soldier," she said, pulling herself to her feet. He nodded shakily, before accepting the hand that she offered, supporting himself against the tree.

Stooping into a bush, Shepard pulled out the assault rifle the merc had been wielding, slinging it onto her back. It fell right into place and she felt a measure of relief as she slid her pistol back into the holster at her side.

Meanwhile, shots were being fired across the clearing. Shepard peeked out from behind the tree, gauging the situation. The care package now lay in the center of the clearing, and there were five mercs: Two closing in on them and three hanging back from cover.

"Collins," Shepard said. The corporal beside her jumped, still visibly trembling. "The three mercenaries at three o'clock, I'd like you to handle them. Switch places with me." He did as she said, stumbling around her to the right side of tree, before he hastily leaned out. She didn't have time to watch him, she needed to take down the other two. Though she wanted nothing more to protect him, it was that time where Shepard needed to have faith, something she had learned a long time ago.

Shepard dropped down to one knee, rolling to her left. Coming up, she yanked the assault rifle into position, bringing her eye to the scope. She laid her finger on the trigger, the burst of ammo hitting one merc square in the back. The other spun around to face her, but there was a shot and the merc fell, her hair swinging as she went down. Shepard couldn't say if it was Ryzak or Kaidan, but either way, they had done well.

Collins, meanwhile, had shot one of the remaining mercs but only in the arm. It was a vorcha, clutching itself and rasping angrily as it tried to jam in another thermal clip. The other mercs, a salarian and a batarian, were firing at Collins wildly, forcing him to take cover behind the quickly diminishing tree. Bark and leaves were flying around, and through it all, the strange seeds from the flowers were still floating around them. Rolling back to Collins' side, Shepard stood up and took several shots at the mercs, hardly doing any damage in the midst of a barrage. Collins cried out beside her; he had gotten clipped, his arm burned and bleeding. Shepard grabbed him by the neck and threw him out of the way behind her, yelling at him to stay down while she leaned out and fired. Several rounds zoomed past her face, dangerously close, but she took down the salarian. The vorcha and the batarian were still hanging on.

Shepard swung back around the tree, nearly out of ammo for the assault rifle. _How am I going to get out of this one?_

She was calculating how big of a window she would have available to switch from assault rifle to pistol during shots, when she heard a strange mechanical whirring. She peeked around the tree to see Ryzak laying low beside the care package. She had gotten it open. Quickly, Shepard stepped out from behind the tree, firing at the mercs to draw their attention. It worked; they concentrated their force on her, forcing her to run and duck across the clearing, as Ryzak threw a grenade to her. She dropped the assault rifle, catching the grenade, pulling the pin and throwing it, all in one motion. There was no way for the mercs to move in time, and as Shepard knelt down behind the care package beside Ryzak, the grenade blasted. After the mud and leaves settled, there was silence once more.

Shepard glanced over at Ryzak. She had a cut on her face, no doubt from flying debris, but she was otherwise fine. "Are you all right, Commander?"

Shepard nodded. "Yeah, this was nothing. Good work though, Ryzak, that was quick thinking." Shepard nodded at her before standing up, looking around. The wreckage was astounding but otherwise not unheard of for one of her exploits. Kicking the assault rifle out of the way, she jogged back across the clearing to fetch Collins.

After binding his arm with a strip off her shirt, she helped him up and led him back to the care package, where Kaidan was standing with Ryzak. With everyone whole and accounted for, Shepard looked down into the open care package, examining the contents.

It was everything she could have ever asked for: Rows upon rows of boxed thermal clips, scant pieces of armor, medi-gel, dried packets of food, water, bandages, blankets, guns, and lots of explosives. It was like Christmas on a jungle planet.

"What's this?" Ryzak asked, reaching for a piece of paper lying on top of it all. She looked down at it, before handing it to Shepard. "It's for you."

"Me?"

"Both of you."

Shepard glanced between all of them, frowning as she took it. Indeed, her name was neatly printed on one side beside Kaidan's. She flipped it over, reading the message there.

_Courtesy of Liara T'Soni. Be safe. _

Shepard looked up, catching Kaidan's eye. She handed the note to him and he took it, reading it as well. "So?"

He looked back at her, before he nodded. Carefully folding up the note, he slid it into his shirt pocket.

* * *

"What do you mean, they left?" Marcus Hill growled.

Ryzak and Collins exchanged a look. They had dragged the care package back to the ship, and already everyone who could walk had come out to ogle it, fawning over the food and medical supplies. He was supposed to be organizing things, making sure nobody took more than they needed and appropriately rationing by level of need, but he was distracted by the two Marines in front of him—and the absence of the others that had accompanied them.

"They took some armor, weapons, ammo, and explosives," Ryzak said, counting off on her fingers. "They said they were heading for the jamming tower, now that they have supplies, and that they'd be back soon."

It was a struggle to keep his voice under control, but based on the circumstances, Marcus thought he did a pretty good job. "Did they take any medi-gel with them?"

Ryzak shook her head. "They said..."

"What did they say?"

"That they wanted to save it for everyone here. They said...they didn't need it."

_So if they both die—if Shepard leaves this world again, after just having returned —it will be on my head. _"Idiots," he muttered. "I don't care who they are, they're both reckless idiots."

"It's okay, sir," Collins piped up. "They've got a bomb with them!"

Marcus Hill took a deep breath and closed his eyes. Slowly, he began to count to ten.

* * *

"So what do you think?" Shepard asked, peering through a shiny new pair of binoculars that zoomed in when she tapped the sides with her finger.

"Oh, you're asking me my opinion now?" Kaidan didn't wait for an answer. He zoomed his own binoculars, mouth hanging open slightly as he focused in on the camp where the jamming tower was located. "I'm counting seven, at least. That's not even the ones on patrol or the ones camped out in that little way station there."

Shepard snorted. "_Patrol_? These are mercs we're talking about here and batarians to boot. I doubt they've organized a patrol."

"Yeah, well, you'd probably doubt their ability to lure settlers out here, but that worked pretty well for them, didn't it?" Shepard held her tongue, and he went on. "Anyway, it just isn't safe or smart for us to go in, not like this."

"What if..." Shepard turned to the right, eyeing the way station. "Up the back, to the roof, plant the bomb there? Like—"

"Like Aratoht?"

Shepard turned so quickly her neck muscles twinged in protest. Her optics, still zoomed in, showed her an incredibly close view of the stubble of Kaidan's cheek. She zoomed out with a couple of taps, before sliding the head-piece up entirely to look at him with her own eyes.

"How do you know about Aratoht?"

Kaidan didn't look over. Instead, he continued to survey the jamming tower area, coolly impervious and focused on the mission. It annoyed her, that he could say something so indicative of her past with the same detachment he'd afforded her at every other opportunity. But was he _really_ that detached? How could he be? Yeah, he'd always been the calmer of the two of them, the one who pulled her back from the edge of her life, but he'd always been more emotional, more willing to show himself in times of vulnerability than she was. For him to completely lock down like this... It spoke volumes to her of not only how much he really was feeling, but also his amazing grasp of control.

"Didn't you tell me once?" He sounded so bored, so completely disinterested, that it made her even angrier.

"No, I think I would remember if I had."

"Would you? Is your memory even still the same, or is it—"

"My memory," she said swiftly, "is fine."

"Then I probably read your file at some point when Anderson asked me to come in and help him organize them after..." Kaidan cleared his throat, adjusting his binoculars. "You know, after."

"He... He did that himself? With you?"

Kaidan nodded. "He asked to do it, and he asked me if I would help him. I did. So that must have been where I saw it. Or he told me, I don't remember."

"Then—"

"So Aratoht," Kaidan said, cutting her off, "that was one of your N6 missions, right?"

She wanted to ask him if he knew it so well, why didn't he tell her? But she didn't, holding it in as hard as she could. _Don't react_, she told herself fiercely. _Just think of the mission at hand. _It was a struggle, and it made her want to hit him even more, that he could stay the same, his mind so centered. That might have been her once, but now, she was scattered.

"Yeah," she finally said, turning away. "We came in from the back and managed to take down that eco-terrorist with an explosive thrown down from overhead. But I was hanging out of a Kodiak for that. There was time for us to get clear of the blast. But this—"

"Is there a timer on this one?"

Shepard turned, picking up the explosive that Liara had sent them. It wasn't the biggest in the care package, but it would do the job. There was, however, no timer. Shepard shook her head.

"Well, maybe we could..."

Shepard looked down at her hands, ignoring whatever it was that Kaidan was saying as she thought of Ryzak at the clearing. Slowly, she reached back to her belt, to the three grenades clipped there. "Kaidan," she said, interrupting him. "I have an idea."

She couldn't really tell because of his binoculars, but when she finished telling him her plan, she thought he was frowning. "That's pretty risky, Shepard, are you sure that—"

"I can do it. I know I can."

Kaidan didn't say anything for a long moment, thinking it over. Finally, he nodded. "All right. If you think you can do it. But before we go in there, we need a Plan B and an exit strategy."

Shepard reached for the assault rifle on her left shoulder, pulling it over and checking the clip. "_This_ is Plan B. And as far as exit strategies go, I don't think we need to worry."

"Why's that?"

"Because when we're done here, those mercs are going to be pretty distracted."


	21. Little Talks

_And some days I can't even trust myself_

_It's killing me to see you this way_

_'Cause though the truth may vary_

_This ship will carry our bodies safe to shore_

-Of Monsters and Men

* * *

Not for the first time, Shepard was wrong about the patrol—there were two mercs who lazily wandered around the perimeter of the camp, spending most of their time standing around and talking, weapons hanging loosely at their sides. Still, she had no doubt that if they got even a glimpse of her and Kaidan, their whole operation would be ruined. So, ignoring the "I-told-you-so" looks that Kaidan kept sending her, the two of them crept through the wildlife, guerrilla-style, freezing any time the mercs moved or glanced their way.

When the batarians had finally moved on to the other side of the camp, Shepard and Kaidan raised up into crouches, hurrying around to the overgrown waystation. They stood with their backs to it, looking around to make sure the area was clear. Already knowing it was coming, Shepard counted down in her head from ten, reaching one just as—

"Batarians," Kaidain said through gritted teeth, checking the clip on his sidearm, "can be just as organized as anyone else."

"So maybe you're right," Shepard growled back, an enormous amount of effort keeping her from punching him.

She didn't follow that up with anything and Kaidan narrowed his eyes, clearly trying to guess what she was trying to do by half-admitting she had made a mistake. She wanted to laugh and scream at the same time, wanted to grab him and shake him and make him understand that it wasn't some _ploy_ to get in his good graces again, it was the genuine emotion behind her recognition that yes, a part of her would always hate batarians, along with an ever-present respect for Kaidan and the way he had always thought of every angle so they could do their jobs efficiently, even if it was that same quality that was breaking a chasm between them now.

That was perhaps the saddest part of it all, Shepard realized. No matter what happened between them, she would always respect him, always love him. _Maybe it's not the saddest, _she thought. _But definitely the cruelest._

"Come on," was all she would say, standing up. "Give me a leg up."

He did so, if begrudgingly, and she helped pull him up onto the waystation. Immediately, the two of them ducked back down, lying flat on the mossy surface and crawling towards the vent in the center of it. Shepard hovered over it, breathing as quietly as she could, looking down inside.

There were several batarians and salarians, each of them looking bored, a few of them playing what looked like a complicated game of cards on a crate. None of them were actually holding their weapons, leaving them scattered, leaning against walls or sitting on other crates.

Pushing herself back, Shepard eased up into a crouch. She could see the tip of the jamming tower just over the far edge of the waystation's roof, down in the center of their camp. The light at the top was blinking, letting her know that it was still working. A savage grin curled her lips up, and she reached for one of the grenades at the back of her belt. _Not long, now. _

"Ready?" she whispered.

Kaidan reached forward, tapping her leg with two fingers in assent. She pulled a grenade from her belt, tearing off the pin in the process, and threw it away, back towards the trees to the left of the camp, in the direction they'd come from. Immediately, she and Kaidan both flattened themselves against the roof of the waystation, waiting.

The grenade exploded on impact in the trees, and the ground shook. The blast scattered branches and leaves, a group of birds shrieking into terrified flight, as the mercs similarly burst into action, jumping to their feet and scrambling for weapons. Shepard listened, ear pressed to the roof of the waystation, hearing their footsteps in a muffled march, as if she was underwater. Harsh batarian voices called back and forth to each other, growing distant, as they ran off to investigate. Shepard sat up, checking experimentally, quickly, before ducking back down.

"There's two left," she whispered, looking over at Kaidan. "They're back at the edge of camp, left to guard."

He nodded, and she reached for the vent, prying it up with a scraping sound. The metal dug into the skin beneath her nails, but she managed. Setting it aside, she dropped her assault rifle down inside, before lowering herself in as well. She fell to the floor, the sound echoing loudly against the metal floor. She looked around quickly, before stooping and reaching for her rifle, placing it on her back. She looked up, meeting Kaidan's gaze through the vent.

"Okay."

He disappeared for a minute, before returning, arms first, holding the bomb out to her. She kicked a crate over, standing on top of it and taking the bomb from him, as gently as she could. She jumped back down, setting it on the ground before she knocked the top off the crate, looking down inside. Thermal clips. Shepard almost laughed, cramming the bomb inside, sliding the lid back over it.

"Ready?"

"Yeah."

Shepard leaped back up onto the crate, reaching for Kaidan. She locked her fingers around his wrists and he did the same to her, pulling her up with little difficulty. As soon as she was back on the roof of the waystation, Kaidan set to work, leaning over the opening in the ceiling.

"You sure you'll be okay?" she asked, unable to help herself.

He cut her a glance. "Yeah. Just go."

She pulled another grenade off her belt and handed it to him. She decided to do the crazy thing—why not, since he thought she was already—and grabbed his hand, holding it between both of hers when he reached for it. He looked at her with surprise, with uncertainty.

"Good luck," she said, before releasing him and turning on her heel.

She climbed over the edge of the roof, straddling it, before lowering herself down with her hands. She looked down, past her feet to the ground waiting for her many feet below. This was going to hurt, and she took a deep breath, bracing herself as her arms trembled from her weight. Before she could drop, she felt hands around her wrists again, and her head snapped back up. Kaidan had a hold of her, and there was a determination to his eyes that she recognized.

"Gimme a sec," he said, and she nodded. Blue flickered around him and his body glowed like Jack's, rippling with dark energy, and Shepard stared, even as her wrists began to prickle with the feeling of a limb falling asleep.

Kaidan mostly used his biotics during firefights in their past together, when she had been too busy throwing grenades and laying her finger on the trigger, when she hadn't had time to watch him. The power came to him more easily than she had imagined. She had always wanted to know what it felt like to be touched while he was like this, as it was something she had never experienced before. She had asked him just the once two years prior; his response had been hesitant and plain: He was not yet willing for that to be a part of their relationship, much less their sex life. She had accepted it, but she had always wondered.

Now, it seemed, she was finally about to understand. It wasn't painful, but it wasn't comfortable, either, feeling like something sliding over her skin and crackling with a low heat. She was glad he was holding her wrists, because in the shock of it all, she might have let go.

"Ready?"

She nodded again, and then she was glowing too, or at least seeing him through a blue haze. He had put a shield around her, and the prickling feeling intensified, making every single one of her hairs stand on end, her spine rigid and seeming to vibrate. Before she could ask what the hell was going on, he suddenly let go of her, and she dropped to the ground with a small noise of surprise. When she landed, the barrier took the force and she felt only a small thud, like she had jumped out of bed, before it dissipated.

She steadied herself and looked back up at him with a glare. "A little warning might be nice next time," she said.

"I asked if you were ready," he replied, before disappearing, moving back towards the vent. "I'm in position," he called, his voice slightly louder.

She checked over her shoulder to make sure none of the remaining mercs were about. She didn't have a lot of time, certain that they would return soon once they discovered there was no one out there. Casting one more look back at the waystation, Shepard readjusted the rifle on her back and set off for the trees. She had to make sure she was clear of the blast radius when it all went down, and she had to trust Kaidan to be as careful with his own life as she had been careless with hers.

She ran as fast as her tired legs could, the journey back easier than all the others. She wondered if the jungle was making it easier for her, or if she was starting to acclimate. That was a frightening thought, and she did her best to push it away, leaping over logs and roots that reached up for her, scattering clusters of butterflies and kicking aside fallen leaves and branches that were black and wet with rot. She was just starting to think about slowing and walking, when she heard voices ahead of her. She reached for the rifle, swinging it around as she ducked behind a wide tree, keeping her back pressed to it. She listened hard; the voices were rough, harsh—batarians. Part of the group that had left the waystation, no doubt. Shepard couldn't make out what they were saying, but one of them did laugh. She was considering leaning out from the tree to look, to see where they were, when she heard a snapping sound ahead of her.

She looked to her right, and before she could move, a batarian came crashing through the foliage, looking directly at her with all four eyes. She tried not to recoil, remembering all too well the events of the Skyllian Blitz that had led to her initial fame. She had only been twenty-two.

The batarian, a burly guy with war paint slathered across his face, immediately pointed his rifle at Shepard. "Hey!"

Shepard slowly lowered her gun, holding up one hand. "Look, don't shoot, I—"

"Who are you? What are you doing here?"

She thought up a story, her mind racing almost as quickly as her heart. "I—I'm a settler. Came in on that downed ship, but I... I'm not willing to die out here for them. So I took some of their weapons and I thought maybe I could make my way on my own."

"_Here_? On Pragia?" The batarian laughed. "You must be dumber than you look, human. Did you throw that grenade right now?"

She nodded. "There was this giant plant _thing_. It would have killed me." Not exactly a lie, considering how she and Kaidan had spent their first day planetside.

"So you abandoned your people and you tried to take down the wildlife with a grenade. You've got stones, I'll give you that." The batarian seemed to relax slightly. "You ever think about being a merc?"

"You think I could be?"

Before the merc could answer, there was a colossal explosion ahead of her in the direction that she had come from, making her and the merc buckle and flinch. The sound seemed to implode in her ears, and afterward, they rang shrilly, loudly, like the time a grenade had gone off beside her during the Blitz. Through the trees, Shepard could see the plume of flame and the smoke rising even higher, darkening the sky. Animals that looked like deer with several additional legs came galloping through the trees past her, fleeing in terror as birds flapped their wings and screamed overhead.

Shepard glanced towards the batarian. He looked stunned for all of one second, before he was up and turning, facing her with his rifle. Unfortunately for him, she was faster; she let loose a burst of fire that caught him in the chest. His body convulsed before he dropped his rifle and fell backwards, lost in the undergrowth.

The voices behind her grew louder into shouts that she could just barely hear over her ringing ears. She popped the heat sink from her rifle, shoving in another one from her pocket, before taking a deep breath. She leaned out, looking behind the trees. There were three batarians, and they were all coming towards her. One saw her and yelled, pointing; their guns fired a second later as Shepard swung back around, feeling the impact of the rounds into the tree at her back. She waited for the inevitable pause, the signal of reloading, before she growled in the back of her throat and ran out from behind the tree.

She fired in controlled bursts, moving from one merc to the next quickly and efficiently, all the training kicking into gear, becoming hard, determined instinct. She shot the second one as the first one was still in the middle of crumpling to the ground, but the third one got a shot off with a pistol and it connected; she felt it, that familiar old feeling she had experienced twice before, like a baseball bat to the thigh. She cried out, reaching for her leg. He missed the second time, giving her the chance to move her arm to the right, holding the rifle with one hand and aiming unsteadily. Her finger was squeezing the trigger, her teeth gritted hard against what felt like fire eating the skin of her leg, when there were three shots from behind her, _pop pop pop_, and the third batarian went down, falling flat on his face.

Shepard looked around through chunks of hair stuck to her sweaty face, still clutching her leg, blood pulsing from between her fingers. Kaidan was standing there, slowly lowering his arm. There was a scratch on his neck, but other than that, he seemed fine.

"The jamming tower?" she asked, her voice strained.

"In pieces. So is the waystation, coincidentally. Remind me to do a stronger barrier the next time you get a genius idea to have me blow up a bomb via grenade. I feel like I just got run over."

"Yeah, well, looks like we're both idiots." She let out a ragged breath, looking down at her leg. The wound seemed to ignite the moment she laid eyes on it, and she let out a gasp. She threw her rifle around to her back, before she reached for the bottom of her shirt with shaking, bloodied hands. Without even realizing he'd moved, Kaidan was at her side, helping her tear off a strip of cloth. He tied it around her leg, and she let out a strangled scream. With every beat of her heart, it throbbed.

"Can you walk?" Kaidan asked.

Shepard nodded tersely. From their left, she could hear more shouting and crashing through the undergrowth, and she knew they didn't have long. She began limping away, every single step feeling like a blow to the wound, like someone was punching it over and over again. She had been shot twice before, but this was the worst time, every single nerve burning like a chemical fire. Her only hope was that it hadn't clipped an artery, because there were still so many things she needed to. _And getting killed by a batarian isn't one of them. _

As fast as they could, they made their way back to the colonists, each agonizing step leaving a trail of bloody footprints behind them, reminding Shepard of everything they stood to lose.

* * *

When they finally returned to the downed ship, Shepard could barely walk, and had to be supported by Kaidan, much to their shared pique. In the moment, though, it was almost like everything had been forgotten: Horizon, Cerberus, even their last moments alone together out in the jungle, when they had been aiming weapons at each other, prepared to destroy. Now, it was all about Shepard and the people they had promised to help. Finally, they were _really_, completely working together. _Too bad it took me getting shot for it to happen._

They passed through the barrier at the side of the ship, and when Jack caught sight of them, she swore. Luckily, Lieutenant Hill was waiting outside the ship, and he caught Shepard just as she fell, taking her from Kaidan, history repeating itself, as he had done the same thing two years prior after Sovereign's defeat. Hill carried her inside, and managed to find a makeshift cot for her on a table laid with torn blankets. The med students remained where they were, tending to their own patients, but the two nurses came flocking over at Hill's command. Kaidan had followed them inside, but he hesitated at the end of the table near her feet. There was a smear of blood on his forehead, but whether it was hers or his, she didn't know.

One of the nurses untied the strip of Shepard's shirt, and blood came leaking out, staining her pants even more and the blanket beneath her. Shepard sucked in a breath, watching as the nurse stuck her fingers into the ragged hole of Shepard's pants and ripped, tearing her pants up to her hip and down to the knee to give them room to work.

"We need to stop that bleeding," she muttered, looking at the other nurse. "Indira, get a tourniquet. Lieutenant, if you would kindly apply direct pressure." She handed Hill some gauze, and he did, Shepard wincing. "You, you there—" She pointed at Kaidan. "Grab a chair, I need you to do something for me."

Kaidan looked shocked for a minute, before he nodded, doing as she said. Grabbing the chair Shepard had fallen asleep in the night before, he dragged it over, the legs scraping the floor. When it was beside her table, the nurse instructed him to stand on it and grab some of the wires hanging from an open panel in the ceiling. He did what she said, throwing down some of the thickest ones, before she threw them back, making a loop that he secured back into the panel. The nurse put Shepard's ankle into the loop, holding onto her leg before letting it go, testing to see if the wires would hold. They pulled slightly, but it worked, Shepard's leg elevated over her head.

Indira returned with a tourniquet, a length of rubber tube that Shepard felt sure had not come in any med kit. "Wait," the other nurse said, gesturing for Kaidan once more. "Just in case we've nicked an artery, we'll need to utilize her pressure points. For a thigh wound, it's the groin, so come over here and apply pressure right...here."

Kaidan didn't look at her, just did as she instructed, and Shepard leaned her head back, wondering just how they had gotten into this situation and why it was the two of them that had to be thrust together under such circumstances. _When I get back to the Normandy, I'm going to have a very serious sit-down with Joker._ That was, if she even made it back to the _Normandy. _If the bullet really had nicked an artery, there was a chance that she might be headed for one place only, and that was somewhere she had already been once. Perhaps for the first time since she had returned from that place, she found she _didn't_ want to go back. _Not like this. _

With Kaidan's hands on her groin, Hill could move away, but he left the gauze in place regardless. Indira strapped the rubber tube around her thigh and Shepard growled through clenched teeth. When they were finally finished, she reached up for her earpiece, wanting this to speed along as quickly as possible.

"_Normandy, _this is Shepard." She took a deep breath, pain still searing her nerves. "Come in, _Normandy_."

* * *

Joker sat up straight in his chair, laughing out loud. Over the loudspeaker, he paged Garrus, switching over to Shepard's frequency in the next heartbeat.

"Shepard! Damn, you have no idea how happy I am to hear from you."

When she spoke, she sounded tense. "Trust me, I have some idea."

"What happened? We couldn't get through to you; it was like everything just went black." There was a scrambling sound from behind Joker; he spun in his seat to see Garrus come speeding into the cockpit, breathing hard.

"What's going on? Is it Shepard? Is she okay?"

Answering Garrus' for Joker, Shepard spoke, her voice surrounding them. "Mercs had a signal jammer. Kaidan and I took it down, and now we need to get a distress call to the Alliance—fast."

"Mercs not happy you broke their toy?"

"I'm going to guess no, considering one shot me." There was a muffled groan, and Joker felt his insides turn to ice water.

Garrus spoke first, worrying bleeding into his voice. "Shepard, are you shitting me?"

"Any other day, I might be, but unfortunately no. Got me in the leg. It's looking okay right now, if these _nurses _would quit _poking at me—_" There was a scuffling sound and some murmured dissent in the background. "Oh, yeah? Well, next time we'll throw _you_ out in the jungle with a gun and see how well _you_ do. How would you like that, Nurse _Joy_?"

Joker opened his mouth, but a yelp cut across, and Shepard swore loudly. "All right, _all right!_ Just do the damn thing," Shepard muttered, before sighing. "Look, everything's peachy, all right? Don't worry about me. I'm fine, Kaidan's fine, we're all fine. But we need an evac, preferably before those damn mercs decide that they're in the mood to wipe us out."

"Us? Who's us? And what's with the nurses?"

"Oh, right, we got cut off before that all happened, didn't we? Story is, mercs shot down a colonization vessel. It's bad, Joker. Families, farmers, a couple of medics and Alliance, but not much else. Jack is here, too; she's got a barrier up around the place, but there's no telling how long we'll hang on for. Luckily, we got a care package from Liara—I'm assuming you told her about our predicament—otherwise, we would have been dead in the water already."

"Glad to hear it helped. We thought if anyone could get you guys something, it would be an information broker with her, ah...reputation."

Shepard was silent for a moment. "I see you're not the only of my crew, current and former, that I'm going to need to have a talk with. Anyway, we're doing okay, for now. But there's injured here, and who knows when the mercs will hit? So if you could send a distress call—"

"Wilco, Commander. Let me take care of this, all right? You just—"

"Settle down and let them yank that damn slug out of you, will you?" Garrus asked roughly. "There's no point in having your best friend die _again_."

"See, if _you_ were here to boss me around, maybe this wouldn't be so bad."

"Shepard," Garrus said, more quietly this time. "I'm serious."

"Yeah," Shepard said after a pause. "Yeah, okay, you're right. I'll work with these nurses if you get us the hell out of here."

"On it."

"Work your magic, Joker. Let me know when everything's up and running, all right?"

"Will do. _Normandy_ out."

There was a beat where Joker and Garrus both worked through their own thoughts, processing what they had just learned. Not only was there now a large group of people, _families_, to save, but their friend and commanding officer had been shot. So much for him being the hero of the moment and helping Shepard and Kaidan work out their differences. Although, as the crew had seen firsthand, there was nothing quite so soothing as violence, especially in a world like Shepard's. So maybe this would all work out. Maybe bloodshed and a life-threatening situation was exactly what they needed to mend their fences, so to speak, and get their heads back where they belonged.

At least, Joker hoped that was the case. Otherwise, he was going to look like a pretty big idiot when this was all over, and that was something he wanted to avoid at all costs, especially with their lives—and the lives of the colonists—riding on the line.

"So how are we going to do this?" Garrus asked, pulling Joker away from his thoughts. "That ship is Alliance, yeah, but we're Cerberus. Will they even listen to a distress call from us?"

Huh. Joker hadn't thought about that, but the turian raised an interesting point. The Alliance had every reason to ignore the _Normandy_, as they were a Cerberus ship with a Cerberus crew, fronted by a newly-minted Cerberus operative, all paid for by the Illusive Man. His fingerprints were all over everything and everyone that was a part of their lives, so how could they possibly appeal to the Alliance? Much like the Council, Joker had a feeling they were likely to refuse them out of spite, regardless of all the settlers who might die. If only Anderson—

Joker sat up straighter in his chair. "I've got an idea," he said, flashing Garrus a quick smile.

"Oh yeah?"

"Yep."

Joker spun around, tapping a button on his console; a holographic keyboard appeared. He began typing feverishly, as EDI fluctuated from beside him.

"What are you doing?" Garrus asked, when Joker's idea wasn't immediately clear.

"Calling in a favor."

* * *

Shepard finished talking to Joker at the same time the nurses, Indira and Anais, finished examining her wound with their omni-tools. They both looked confused, talking quietly to each other and frowning. A moment later, Hill joined them, and after they spoke to him, he began shaking his head, just as perplexed as they were.

"What's going on?" Shepard asked loudly, narrowing her eyes at them. "What's wrong?"

"I don't think anything's wrong, Shepard," Kaidan said quietly from his place at her hip. "I think they're just trying to—"

"They wouldn't look like that if something wasn't wrong. _What's going on_?" she asked again, her voice softer, yet even more dangerous this time. She said each word slowly, daring them to lie to her, eyes blazing.

Anais was the one who stepped forward, staring unflinchingly at Shepard. "We're just a little confused."

"About what?"

"The bullet missed the femoral artery, so that's good news. There _will_ be some nerve damage, but with that, there's also good news: It's neuropraxic."

When Shepard just looked at her blankly, Indira edged forward. "Neuropraxia is the least severe form of nerve damage, and you'll most likely recover from it in a few months."

"Okay, then what the hell is so confusing about all of this?"

Indira looked apologetic. "It's just that—"

Anais' words overrode her companion, and Shepard turned her attention on her. "The force of a bullet, especially from a gun like that, should have broken your femur. That's why we're confused. For whatever reason, it didn't, and besides the nerve damage, you're going to be completely fine."

"So you're confused because I wasn't hurt _more_?" Shepard scoffed. "These sound like your kind of people, Kaidan." He opened his mouth to say something, but she shook her head, holding up a hand. "No, don't, save it for the end. That's when you'll _really_ want to say something, since I'm going to break it down for them." Shepard turned back to the nurses. "I have implants."

Anais cocked an eyebrow. "Excuse me?"

"Biomechanical implants. They should have shown up on your omni-tool."

Indira suddenly nodded, eyes lighting up. "That explains the strange reading, Anais. And you thought your omni-tool was picking up interference because of the biotic." Kaidan glanced at her and she flushed. "Uh, the woman—the one outside."

Anais frowned, hardly listening. She held her omni-tool over Shepard's leg again, sweeping it down lower, towards her knee. Her eyes widened. "I see. Are all your joints—?"

Shepard pointedly avoided Kaidan's gaze, feeling it on the skin of her cheeks as he eyed the implants of her cheekbones that were visible to the naked eye through the scars. "To my knowledge, yeah. I don't really know the full scope of it, but that was the general gist that I got."

"Well. That explains a lot. Thank you, Commander, for clearing that up." Her omni-tool vanished. "Indira, medi-gel."

Indira nodded and headed away, winding through the rows of makeshift beds where the other injured lay, some suffering, some recuperating. Shepard watched her go, before sliding a look at Anais.

"Medi-gel? Why?"

Anais looked at her as if the answer was obvious. "Because we're closing this wound. Or do you not feel like walking anymore?"

"But there's a _bullet_ in there!"

"It's not causing any immediate damage. Rather than risk infection by cutting you open and digging it out, for now, we're going to leave it. When we get off this sinkhole—_if_ we get off this sinkhole—you can take it up with a surgeon who will have the proper facilities and the means to prevent bacteria from entering the wound. Until then, we'll leave it. You'll be fine, I promise. I've seen this happen dozens of times before."

"But you—"

"Shepard," Kaidan said, his voice low. "Just...let them do their jobs."

She thought of Garrus and what he had said to her. Finally, Shepard turned, looking at Kaidan. His face was inches from hers, and that close, she got a good look at the fatigue darkening his face and the stubble she so rarely got to see when she knew him in the years before, when there were strict regulations about shaving. This, she felt, was a side of him she might have seen if they were other people, and if the universe had given them a fair chance. In another life, maybe, on another world, this Kaidan—minus the exhaustion and the strain—would be hers. _If only. _

It wasn't just seeing this other side of him, however. It was the frank _pleading_ in his eyes to stop, just _stop_, just for a few minutes, to just sit back and watch it unfold. She was surprised to see that in his eyes, surprised and caught off-guard; with the way they had been going at each other's throats, in for the kill, this was a new turn of events. But perhaps, like her, he was simply so tired of it all that he could no longer keep up the anger. After all, it was _exhausting_ to be so angry all the time, and they needed to let go, or they would run the risk of being devoured. _And what would become of us monsters then?_ She didn't want to think about it.

"Okay," she said, nodding slowly. "All right. Just give me the medi-gel."

Indira had come back by then, and she stepped forward. She applied medi-gel to the wound, and Shepard hissed between her teeth, grabbing a handful of the blankets beneath her, squeezing hard. Realizing what she was doing, Hill sidled up beside her and offered her a hand. She flashed him a grateful glance, and instead squeezed his hand until she felt his bones shifting. There would be time to feel guilty about that later, after the medi-gel was done knitting her skin back together and cleansing the wound of any bacteria that might have infiltrated her system. She tried to look away, tried to forget that there was a bullet _inside_ her leg, but it was hard when the very thought of it turned her stomach. She could kill a man in so many ways that she couldn't even begin to count, but the idea of having a bullet in her leg was enough to have her heaving. Such was the song of Shepard.

The pain-killers in the medi-gel allowed her to relax, easing her grip on Hill's hand as she leaned back against the pillows they had made for her out of stacked blankets and coats. He escaped while he could, mentioning something about finding a new pair of pants for her. No longer bleeding, Indira removed the tourniquet and Anais released her leg from its elevation, both of them checking on the status of her wound before moving off to check other patients who needed their attention. Kaidan, however, didn't move, though his pressure on her groin lessened slightly.

"Are you all right?" he asked, his voice quiet. She tried to gauge what emotions lay in it, but failed, her mind made fuzzy by the meds.

She nodded, looking at him through half-lidded eyes. "Sound as a pound. You?"

"Scrapes and bruises. Nothing to worry about." For just the briefest, smallest of moments, she thought she saw the hint of a smile, but for all she knew, it was the influence of the meds. "I... You scared the shit out of me back there, you know?"

"There?" She laughed, not even sure what was funny about that. Her head was light and floaty. "That was nothing. What about you? You detonated a bomb with a grenade while you were standing _on_ the building you were detonating! You're crazy."

"It was your idea, Shepard. And I wasn't _on_ the building, I was already off and running by the time the grenade went off. I still felt it, though," he said, wincing as he shifted, rolling his shoulders and arching his back.

"You should get checked out. I'm probably just saying that, though. You'll be all right," she said, her words slurring. "You've always been all right."

Kaidan's eyes moved over her face, and he shook his head. "No," he said softly. "Not always."

There was something about those words, about his tone that she felt she should have known, but she couldn't fully work it through in her mind, only certain of one thing. "I'm sorry..." she said, her voice hardly more than a whisper, her eyes fluttering closed of their own accord. _Stop it,_ she tried to say, trying to will them back open. _Stop it, you're missing it! _Her body, however, wouldn't listen. Once her eyes were shut, they refused to open again.

"Sorry?"

"About earlier." She raised one hand limply, making the shape of a gun. "For scaring...you..." _  
_

She knew she was officially on drugs when, just before she dropped off to sleep, she felt a faint touch, fingertips skating across the skin of her cheek, as an errant strand of hair was tucked gently behind her ear. _I'm dreaming_, she told herself fuzzily, before she sank down, deeper into the clutches of exhaustion.

The last thought that floated through her head, wobbly and shifting, made her heart ache as she descended into warmth and a darkness that, for once, didn't frighten her.

_I miss these little talks. _


End file.
